I posted this in the General Discussion forum, but I did not receive much advice. I am hoping to get advice here.

This is my first post on the forum. I am not sure if this is the right section to post this, but I trust the moderators will place it in the right section.

We have been married for 12 years and have 1 child. For years our physical intimacy has been lacking alot. Even while we were dating, there was no physical aspect to our relationship. We were best friends. The first time we ever kissed was when I put the ring on her finger when I proposed.

I have really struggled with this, and it has been an issue of contention for us. During one of our discussions, my wife admitted to me that she has never really been very attracted to me. That she loves me, that I am her best friend, that she fell in love with my heart, but there has never been that "chemistry" of her toward me. And I had sensed that for so long. I mean you know when someone is just going through the motions. She said she has had it before, with other guys, but never with me. In particular, there was her high school/college boyfriend that she had it the most with.

I knew she had been sexually active with the other men, and I pressed as to what was so different. She said she didn't know exactly, it was just chemistry. She confessed that she enjoyed the physical intimacy with them alot more, that she was more expressive. Of course, that hurt so bad. She said she longs for that again, not with them, per se, but just those old feelings.

I know this is probably unethical, but I have read her journals where she writes to God. She has prayed for a desire for me, for those feelings she described she had with others. So I know she is seeking the right thing. But she also wrote that she cringes at the thought of my touch, and that she is intimate with me out of obedience more than desire.

I am not sure where to go, what to do. I mean, this has really hit me hard, I feel so inadequate as a man. We are committed, divorce is not in our vocabulary, but at the same time, I don't know how to proceed forward. I feel like it's a form of emotional infidelity. At least it hurts like being betrayed. I would greatly appreciate any advice or counsel you might offer.

BTW - I am not overweight or out of shape. I work out 4 times a week, am very active, and have good hygiene.

Thanks for your help.

Sorry you seem to be getting stranded here. Welcome to MB. Unfortunately I can't relate so I don't have personal experience to share with you but suggest you try to get in with Dr. Harley and his wife on their radio show to ask your question.

My first thought...since you're posting on the infidelity portion of this website was speculating whether your wife WAS in contact with any of these ex-boyfriend/lovers. Even facebook contact as often wives get mixed up in emotional affairs...and all of the sudden they reveal they NEVER had sexual attraction towards you. It may not hurt you to do a double check that she's not doing something behind your back because a point of comparison (feelings for another man) often precede the revelation of all sorts of historical rewrites. Divorce wasn't in my wife's vocabulary either so unless you've got video evidence 24/7 on her that she's not cheatin'...you don't know for sure.


That being said...I don't think you showed up here on the infidelity portion of the website intentionally or subconsciously and her journals you read, I presume, go back years with this type of talk. That's why you may want to talk to Dr. Harley. He may get a sense of something going on which underlines the problem. Her "aversion" to you, he could determine, may have nothing to do with you. None of us here have the expertise or experience to ascertain that. Of course, reading the basic concepts and working TOGETHER with your wife to implement the MB plans to your marriage can certainly help. But this isn't recovery from infidelity that most of us here would know what to tell you.


Random suggestions: Talk to her about her aversions and then try to scientifically work through things that may make it better and/or worse. Her journaling the problem doesn't do anyone any good and absent knowing her complaints you were unknowingly contributing to the problem and the likely resultant resentment as she gave and gave and gave. Perhaps you could try many different soaps, shampoos, tanning, new clothes, new detergent, new colognes (get samples at the mall to try), try shaving (manscaping) or laser hair removal (or implants if you are lacking hair). You could study up on techniques and other things to help her enjoy the experience more. Point is...getting her to work on the problem with you...without embarrassment or shame might lead you out of this dilemma or at least bring you to the next set of questions.

I hope you can find and implement the answers you seek.

Mr. Wondering

Thanks for the advice about trying to get into Dr. Harley's radio show. I understand that the folks on here don't have the professional experience to maybe address the underlying root issue, I was just hoping that other people may have faced this before, and had a testimony of how they dealt with it and moved on.

Also, I have thought about the possibility of her being in contact with some of these other men. She does not do facebook, and her email is an open book. I don't sense any impropriety on her part, just a lack of desire for me.

I would be highly suspicious. I think it is time for you to snoop to discover the truth. This kind of talk is the kind that comes after contact with old flames and is fairly typical. You need to look for secret email accounts, secret FB pages, secret phones, etc.

I really recommend you start looking hard.

I have done some snooping, but maybe not to the level you describe above. I mean, I can always see where she has been online, she never erases her history. Also, I can't get past the fact that in her journals, she prays and asks for God to give her a desire for me, like she had for others.

But, in light of your advice, what are some suggestions for further snooping?

Have you checked out the operation investigate forum? There are some excellent ideas.

A keylogger would be good on her computer.

I would start with a keylogger and an examination of your cell phone records.

Look for any patters to one specific number.

You may not need a keylogger if you can guess her passwords. Give that a shot and see what she's been writing others. She may have hidden accounts.

Her talk is very much in line with a woman who is fighting temptation because there is someone she's flirting with or is already having an affair with.