i do not mean to pile on undo, but i was just peeking at your post above and this stood out to me...



so you mean to say that you're happy OM is healthy and engaged? you basically threw away your marriage, broke up your family for some OM and rather than own it you are happy for the OM? i hope your BH can find closure. and insofar, your "feelings of love for him, pride..." the word that stands out is pride. THAT is the heart of it. it was your pride which lead you to throw away your marriage and it was your pride which lead you to divorce. you jumped into another marriage w/ someone who we now know is a sex addict and deviant but again your pride is getting in the way of doing what is right. and perfect for each other? always seemed so in love with each other? wow. i would've hoped you had felt like that for your BH.

true i do not know the details of your marriage to your BH, but what i do know is that you committed adultery, lied, cheated and now you are facing your 2nd divorce in all likelihood. i know the others may or may not say it, but it is hard to sympathize with you. if you had come here to say how you eff'd up, you realized or wish u realized where you went wrong, how the OM who broke up your marriage was wrong (instead you are "glad" for him), how your race to the next marrriage was wrong, that you made a lot of bad choices and regretted a good part of it than maybe you would be deserving of some sympathy or consolation somehow. maybe. instead i will close with the same word i used before: karma. you should go to the Recovery forum and look up WPG or wulf pack girl. talk about assuming full responsible for one's choices. as a FWW, she is nothing short of inspiring.

and please do not use the excuse of abuse as a child. i am willing to give you a measure of sympathy for that just as i have my WW who i did nothing but support 100% throughout our M bc she was also abused sexually by her father as a child but you cannot blame something like that for the choices you (or she for that matter) have made. the abuse she experienced did not force her into several adulterous relationships and now threatens to break up the only family our 5 children have ever known. all for OM? at some point you have to own it.

Great post savemymarr. Undo, you have wrecked your life with poor judgement for years and here you are doing it again. Being married to a criminal sexual deviant because you "love" him? Are you kidding me? Your "love" does not make this man an appropriate match. Will you still "love" him when he is in prison for his criminal sexual activities?

I rarely recommend counseling, but it is clear to me you need counseling or life coaching just to learn to skills of discernment and maturity.

I came bere for support not bashing... You think I havent told myself all this? My second marriage to hopeful was no walk in the park before my affiar, matter of fact my theapist said the only reason we lasted as long as we did ( pre-affair) was because of my ability to change and not his. He isolated me from my kids, my family, I had no friends and had total controll over me. One of the reasons why I had an affair (and there are many) was my inability to communicate,i did not know how to say im unhappy and I hurt. I hated and was scared of confrontation, which he loved. I was acting out in a subconcsuios level I did not understand. If I knew how to help myself then with knowleldge I have now, I dont think we have been together a year, probably not even a year if that. Im not bashing him, hes a good man but I dont think he was the man for me. Unfortunately because of my actions of not knowing what to do about it, many people were hurt, and I relive it everyday.

I dont think ill be back here as im here for help and all I get is bashing about my past mistakes which ive learned from. Thanks for nothing, other than making me feel worse about myself. And being rediculed and laughed at, I can get that from my mirror.

I did not know my now husband was engaged in any of these activites until a cop showed up at my door in july of 2011, we met in 2007.

This is why your past DOES matter.

You got married without setting up proper boundaries in terms of prospective marriage material. You didn't investigate this. You see, a man who had boundaries himself would be extremely cautious about marrying a woman who was so recently divorced (were you divorced when you met?) after her affair.

You see, it's a downward spiral.

Now, you are saying you don't even have the energy to deal with it. Well, you understand that this again implies that you have not learned boundaries.

You remarried far too soon, before you had healed and grown from your experience as a wayward, and subsequently ignored major red flags. Why would you not notice the money going to massage parlors, hookers? The time? Transparency in marriage would have made this evident.

Do you understand what I mean by this?

Yes boundaries is something my theapist has been trying get me to understand...

Yes boundaries is something my theapist has been trying get me to understand...

I had stopped seeing my therapist before I met my now husband and when I told her I remarried she was very worried for my well being. An answer to your question regarding transparency, he's a very good liar and used stashed cash. I knew he had issues but nothing like this.

No. She doesn't in all likelihood. When a wayward starts spouting mumbo jumbo about "subconscious" that's a euphemism for "no excuse/guilty as charged." I'm not some religious nut but owning it = repentance and remorse. All I'm hearing is "woe is me" and "I didn't know." you engage in immorality than it is visited back upon you because of your lack of judgement AND demonstrated inability to learn from your mistake.

I've always wondered how karma and the wayward works. How does a WS get paid back for their poor choices? It's simple. Ive just had a eureka moment. Really. Thank you undo. Thats genuine.

1. A wayward eff'd up what they had (adultery/infidelity with the necessary lying, secrets, hurting someone else for which you blame shift to save yourself, selfishly destroying the lives of others like "he/she didn't fulfill my needs" wah!)
2. They lack insight to see just how they did that (from basking in their PEA-saturated moment of glory bc they're in "love"... hey where's the vomit emoticon when u need it to the total lack of remorse and repentance)
3. The wayward misses the learning moment (which a betrayed spouse usually does not fail to do bc you literally wrack your brain trying to identify where you eff'd up in all this asking yourself repeatedly what could I have done differently to keep my wayward spouse from straying and implementing changes for the future) and skips on down the road to the next person with their lousy baggage and preconceptions/wayward mindset trailing behind them. They lack the ability to discern the lies and duplicity in others bc they FAILED to do it for themselves.

You just can't see where you eff'd up. And thus history is doomed to repeat itself or the wayward gets their karma hand delivered to them on a silver platter. Anyone you meet in your flawed state is bound to be a kindred wayward spirit or someone really clueless who cannot see just how screwed up you are until it's too late. And when they do start to realize just WHAT you really are, wayward spirit rooting around for "love" and acceptance? They turn around and head for "them thar hills." Can u blame them either? Why accept an unrepentant, selfish wayward unless it is just to shag them (and even then it's probably not worth the trouble even if theyre smoking hot with a great body bc the wayward woman is generally unable to clam up). THAT is why there is a dearth of good divorced men in their 40s. Why would I settle for an xWW who left her H and broke up her family? Not even for a chance to rut like a pig, no thanks. Bc when u rut in the mud amongst the pigs you become one yourself. The good women come along and snap them up, right Mel?

THAT is why they say "once a cheater always a cheater" unless they really learned their lesson. And examples of people like that off the top of my head? Glove Oil, WPG, Mrs. V and numerous others. A wayward will always be the "victim" bc they just don't have the stuff it takes to own it. So my dear undo, you will repeat all of this ad infinitum (or ad nauseam) bc u didn't learn the 1st time. And I gleaned all of that from how "glad" u were for your affair partner who you used to break up your marriage to helpful4you.

Pride is your downfall as is your lack of humility, remorse, repentance, inability for self-introspection and overall lack of judgement which you'll never rectify unless you are ready to face the truth. I'm not bashing you to hurt you. I don't know you but know your type. You are just like all the excuse makers who abuse drugs, alcohol etc. Stop blaming someone else and own it! No more "I didn't see it" or "it's not my fault." It IS your fault bc YOU made all the choices here. No one put a gun to your head and forced you to cheat on your H or to marry this sexual deviant. So now the chickens have come home to roost. My WW will get hers in the end as well. Wow. I feel a weight lifting off my shoulders somehow. Really.

What is Sexual Addiction Part 1

What is Sexual Addiction Part 2

Have you read these?

Ok whatever you say. I'm done here. See ya, point your anger at somone else savmymarr. I know I have a lot of work to do myself and dont need your advice and/or judgement.

Thanks again brainhurts

From the sounds of it he did not have enough control. Your judgement has led to extremely poor decisions for a large part of your life. Your poor judgment led to an affair in your marriage and it has led you to a marriage with a criminal sexual deviant.


And this is more evidence of tragically poor judgment on your part. The reason you had an affair is because you have poor boundaries around men. You can't blame your failure to tell your husband that you were unhappy on him. That is all your fault, not his.

I am not saying this to be mean, but it sounds to me like you have surrounded yourself with yes men who never point out how your poor judgemnt. It is just plain poor judgement to pursue a marriage with a man who is a sexual deviant and is very likely to go to prison. He has probably engaged in much more activity that you are aware of and he is clearly not safe. Everyone but you seems to understand this.

You need a good friend with some common sense who point out the flaws in your judgment, Madam. We can be that friend if you will listen and stop getting defensive.

What crimes is your husband being investigated for? And why don't you live together?

Radio Clip on Sexual addiction

Radio clip on Sexual addiction Part 2

Take a listen. The radio show is an excellent tool.

If your H has the issue I think he does, then yes, he will be an exhibionist again. I very strongly believe your H has an illness that MB will not be able to address. I believe your H needs psychiatric intervention.

Sorry, Undo.