In that case do I lock him up or let him go?

I can't tell if he has tightened his boundaries or not until these incidents happen.

He does not have Facebook anymore (his choice), he has no contact with females at work and he diesels not go out alone socialising without me. How can I ensure he has good boundaries as opposed to just living in a highly protected environment?

I have worked on me and improved myself for the marriage, I'm no longer depressed and thanks to some link you posted on another thread about weight loss ( a book called why do we get fat and what can we do about it) I am dropping the weight fast. I can only control how I behave he has to clean up his side of things or am I wrong on this?

It is so difficult to post here without LBing him.

It is not an LB to point out, and require the cessation of, anti-marriage and infidelity-encouraging behaviours. On the contrary, properly done it is an LB$ deposit, as it demonstrates concern for, and protection of, the asset of the SHARED marriage.

NG I mean the personality traits that are shall we say unmanly.

Since he is a serial cheater, he should want to protect himself by staying in a highly protected environment. Apparently he can't even handle being out with you in PUBS. So maybe stick to non drinking environments and go out to dinner as much as you can.

The "unmanly" traits you are so solicitous of are merely stratagems to distract you from his wayward behavior with your (mistakenly directed) maternal concern for your "misunderstood little boy".

There, I said what had to be said. "Weepy Willie" has no claim to my not issuing LB statements. Just show him my post!

It's not a case of being pretty its a case that I didn't expect a dog to act like a giraffe.
Because she was plain I expected her to be quiet and reserved not jumping on strangers laps like a stripper her actions caught me off guard.

I get what you are saying and you are right. At the time however I didn't really care much for her actions as much as I cared about his. When things have been going so great I didn't expect him to let me down so stupidly.

And just for the record he does only have A with fugly girls, his reason for that is that they make him feel better about himself as they are more on his level than I am ( go figure the dumbness of that statement)

I get this I really do and I will adhere by it however I am irritated that our already limited social life has to suffer due to his defects. Last time I was in a pub/ club or anywhere that was not going out for a meal was 4 years ago so I mean it when I say it was a rare outing. We will have to get creative .

Could well be. How can I tell the difference. In 12 years together he has only ever cried 3 times now it's a regular occurrence.

I don't have a maternal instinct I am just trying to meet his ENs by being more caring. Damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I unfortunately wear the may pants around this home and would LOVE for him to take them back soon or even share them.

I think you acted as dignified as any woman possibly could, and after reading your simp of a husband's thread earlier, I just had to find you and say - bless your heart.

That dingleberry of a man does not appreciate you. And he should.

NB - All I see is a lovebusting wife trying to get her serial cheating husband under control. You cannot DJ him enough ... he doesn't want to protect his boundaries.

You cannot man him up ... you cannot change him ... you cannot do anything except take your four boys and make a life for yourself until your very wayward husband gets his big boy pants on and adheres to some serious boundaries.

I feel like I am reading Chris1972 and Schlag when it comes to your WH's posts. Yikes my eyes even hurt.

You are in danger ... he doesn't care for you and will not protect you ... you are in danger

are going off all over this situation.

I recommend Plan B until he gets serious ... there is no more to discuss. He has failed the EP test for 3 years ... you have been on this board and know better.

If I recall ... didn't you storm off these boards several months ago because you defended your very wayward husband? He has never not been wayward.

He is throwing you crumbs and you think you are getting a loaf ... nope just some soggy crumbs.

Pray
I stormed off because of my own stupidity I don't believe this had anything to do with him that time.

As far as plan B please help me understand. What will I be aiming for??. I know plan B well as have been reading everyday what I don't get is what am I hoping to achieve with it in my situation??

He has agreed to all the conditions I set out for him in December and has adhered to all of them bar this incident. When people go into plan b they give the WH a list of requirements that they need to meet to be able to come home. What will mine include that I haven't already included??

He will no doubt agree to everything I ask but when it's time to prove his EPs are in place he may let me down or not. I won't know until an incident arises or I set him up.

I am taking responsibility for my own actions here, he is dealing with his own ones I can't and don't want to change him he has to do that for himself not on command. I am working on me and my side of the road.

I will happily plan B if that's going to get me anywhere but I just don't get the point of it when he isn't uncooperative with any of my demands.

In that case do I lock him up or let him go?...What will mine include that I haven't already included??

Is there a cognition problem here? All together now, class: What should NB include in her new expectations of WH's future behaviour that she hadn't included last time?

SANCTIONS AND CONSEQUENCES THAT WILL HURT WH LIKE HELL IF HE CHOOSES TO VIOLATE HER CONDITIONS. Very good, class!

Start writing now, it seems like you'll need a long list. Someone mentioned NO ALCOHOL! Good one! And NO VISITING BARS/CLUBS WITH SINGLE FRIENDS! Another!

Violation of these conditions should lead to contracted, legally enforceable remedies (Basically a behavioural post-nup) like him having to leave your home, him signing over registrations to all vehicles, etc, etc.

...I just don't get the point of it when he isn't uncooperative with any of my demands.

If letting a skank-presumptive give him a lap-dance was not "uncooperative with any of (your) demands", then you need to re-establish a much broader range of "demands", all with "death-sentence" penalties!!!

NG

As much as I like you your now just being mean for fun and that's not so nice.

I published a full list of EPs on here and they do include no alcohol with anyone when I'm not there outside the home., also include no socialising in pubs clubs without me.

We were out together and drinking together, should the EP be for when we are together as well?? As stated to ML I am willing to ditch our social life for the M but not enthusiastically because it's a rare night out and I'm sick of meals out since I had the gastric band fitted I can't eat much so the fun has gone out of it but I'm still willing to get creative and figure out other activities we can do when socialising, I have already arranged a visit to the theme park next weekend as an alternative. I won't let resentment hold me back from being creative and still having a boundary to avoid harm coming to our marriage.

As far as cognition wise I GET it I know that I now need to put in place list of consequences to braking EPs but understand that we dont have much so there isn't much financial assets wise I can take from him.

We rent a council home the Brits on MB can help me confirm this is a rented property for families on low income. I can ask him to leave it but I can't get him to sign it over to me because we don't own it,

As far as assets go we have 2 cars one is in my name and one is a company car he has from work and is not his so again can't sign it over to me.

I am here asking for suggestions as to consequences for broken EPs because I get the fact that I totally didn't prepare for that. I was so concerned with him having a repeat A that I didn't plan for the other EP's being broken. My bad and trying to put it right with your help.

Help me figure out a good 'death sentence' should he brake EPs at any time.

As far as cooperation goes he has not once fought against any of my requests I say jump he says how high. The broken EP has happened I want to learn from it and ensure it will never happen again and he is cooperating with that.

I do have a confession to make to MB that might shed some light as to why he has done a 180 turn from WH to RH.

In December before he agreed to the conditions of recovery I was in a dire state of yet again fighting for our marriage on my own, he was still not meeting my ENs and I was getting depressed.

He invited a male friend work collage to our house to meet his family as he was quite close to this guy, I had never met him before and was looking forward to meeting him because H was very close to him and they got on well.

The friend turned up and I was totally shocked at how attracted I was to him. I was like a stupid school girl just totally felt drawn to him. I still read MB and knew what I had to do. I told h that we could not have this friend over again because I was seriously attracted to him, I was open and honest straight away.

But I still went mentally wayward and occasionally stalked this mans FB page, I never spoke to him and he was totally unaware of how I felt but I still had daydreams about him constantly to escape the cesspit my marriage had become,

Again I was open and honest with my H about all of this.

H has closed down his FB (Hs FB was the only way for me to see this mans fb page). I never had him as my FB friend.

This incident is what got H onto recovery for real, he felt he had lost me ( and in many ways he had).

I'm pointing this out to explain why he went fro super WH to getting on with recovery.

It wasn't done on purpose on my part and my EPs protected me from being a WW myself.

To reiterate to the busy people who like to skim read.

I have NO contact with the OM

It was a one way crush

I was O&H with H at all times

Did you read Pray's post at the bottom of the last page?

No matter what consequences you design for him, he knows that you actually separating and leaving will never be one of them.

So, I'm not sure why you think NG is being mean. I think, it comes down to the fact that you aren't ever going to go as far as separating and divorce in order to stand up for yourself, your dignity, and your boundaries. He knows this, we know this, so I'm not sure what kind of consequences you can truly implement.

NB28,

At what point would you separate from your H? Is Alis statement true? Never? If so, I think it is unlikely your H will ever change his behavior/attitudes. Your H still uses his "poor self-esteem" as an excuse for his behavior. He is getting some 2X4s for it, but bristles from them. That's what a wayward does - looks for excuses and carries on with the same behavior.

If you are operating from a place of fear, things will never get better. If you haven't done so in a while, take a look at the false recovery thread.

AM

NB28, if it is a rare night out, then it shouldn't be squandered spending the time with other people. It should be devoted to undivided attention time. Socializing is fine..........AFTER you have spent 15+ hours of UA time. And if this was a rare night out, then it sounds like you are not getting that. Why squander your own time with other people when getting time out is so difficult? I would focus on doing things ALONE with each other and staying out of pubs.

And I agree with alis and armymama. It is very alarming to see a grown man who CRIES when he gets busted being thoughtless. That is a manipulation tactic that one usually expects to see from a teenage girl. Blaming his "self esteem" or "self confidence" for poor behavior is disturbing. As long as won't take accountability for his behavior this will continue to happen. And here you are 3 years out.

[quote=NB28I don't think he has the renter mentality infact he has completely gone the opposite way hence why he is so insecure right now, before he couldn't care less how I looked and what I did now he is soo soo scared he's not good enough for me it's quite draining having to reassure him all the time but I do it because I want him to feel safe the same way I want to feel safe, I don't want him to be with me and feel inferior, that's not a nice feeling for anyone to have.

[/quote]

You realize this is what renters do. They give more "RENT" if they think it is worth it untill the fear of losing goes away then the "RENT" decreases again.

I'm living this, I know how it feels.

You know that Chris1972 is my STBX, right, NB?

He agreed with all of my conditions as well. And every time an incident came up that showed he was NOT exercising good boundaries/following the MB plan, he would blow smoke up my a$$ the way your WH is now.

Pep mentioned something about Chris1972/serial cheaters in reference to her locus of control post...I checked it out and it was spot on...basically an expansion of Dr Harley's comments about STBX having no self control and basically that I would need to take ALL opportunity for an affair away from him. Please read it: Locus of control - Self-control

What I guess I am trying to say is as long as your WH keep evading personal responsbility for his actions and blaming things like "lack of confidence", I DO NOT believe he will really follow EPs. He has basically already told you that with his "I cannot handle confrontation, no exceptions" statement. You will need to watch him like a hawk. Does he have the power to change? Of course. He's not there yet. He's not even close.