Hi Everyone....I first must say that it is good to see that MB has remained committed commitment towards helping people through such tumultuous times in their lives....

So, where to begin. I am unfortunately one of those statistics where the affair has survived...literally approaching its 11 year anniversary (how wild is that). Yet, I did manage to employ some of the MB Principles and have emerged as a stronger, more confident woman. Deep down inside, the anger went away, the pain subsided and I moved on. Not in another relationship, but with my life. Ten years is a very long time and I held on believing that some day, I would recover my marriage. I know that people may read this and say, dope or fool, but I truly believed that he would come around. However, I did not wait around...if that makes sense. I travelled to Europe, made new friends, finished my degree and lost an incredible amount of weight. Then, the changes started.

The estranged became interested again. He started to call me more (which I was very cordial and maintained my boundaries). He started paying attention. He actually was likeable. I was very hesitant to give in to this, as I knew his track record. He is the biggest cake eater and bs'er imaginable. My children (while always babies to me) would become conduits for Dad's compliments..."Dad called looking for you, Dad wants to know what you are up to...Dad, Dad, Dad..." And yet, I remained true to myself and my beliefs. I wanted action and not lip action. Then he started to come around even more....and people were commenting that he was doing everything a man "wanting to come home" should be doing and that I needed to give him the indication that I was openned to his behaviors. Oh My God...what a mistake...lol. I allowed him back in, based on what others said and not what I felt. Can you say kicking oneself over and over!!

The first "big mistake" was that I second guessed myself. I let him back in, not physically, but into my very protected and happy world. He was cake eating again. Oh yes, our little family day, once a week, was turning me into the mistress. The kids are grown, the wife looks good, no responsibilities, etc., etc. And yes, that was what he expected me to be. So, without getting into too much detail...I cut him off literally. It didn't hurt, it didn't even phase me...it did not bother me at all. I must admit, I was angry at myself, but I wasn't as I was on my first go round. Of course, he never grew up and employed the same pathetic tactics of calling everyone he knows asking what to do? Really...you are 44 years old, had an affair and you need to know what to do. I should think it would be plain by now. And to me, it was very clear...in all this time, I never heard him once take any responsibility. All my fault..100% and I am now paying...10 years later.

So, he calls me and asks me to dinner because we need to really discuss our lives where we are going. I explained I would go, but it would not be during his visit with our kids..he books this "date" for three weeks, as work is busy. LOL, okay, yes, I can see how this is going to play out. So, I wait....for the perfect opportunity which came yesterday. I said to him, "you are taking me out to discuss how we can fix our marriage right...how you are planning on committing to us, correct." I stated that unless this is the case, there is no use wasting any or our times or hot air, because I am not interest. Of course, he employed the, "She just lost her son and I cannot leave her." I may sound callous to many, but honestly, that is her problem...not my problem. She cared very little when my two (8 and 3) lost their father...so...he echoed my words that I will pass on dinner if the conversation is anything but what I mentioned above and thanked me for my honesty. I said, "Have a great night, please do not communicate with me..our children are old enough and I pay enough for their phones for them not to use them...so call the kids" and hung up. I told my kids that Dad is not coming home, nor ever intended and that my life is officially separated from him. As a Catholic, I still struggle with the idea of divorce, so I will pursue when ready. As for relationships...I have my two kids, myself and a Master's Degree to pursue...I'll wait until it's right.

I guess I am posting because I want...no, I need, some positive reinforcement. I know I will be okay, as a matter of fact, I have a weight off my chest already...but I just need advice on the best way to proceed from now on.

Thanks for your help x

Thank you so much for your story, so phillygal. I hope I can be that strong down the road.
Sounds like you made an awesome life for yourself and your children. And what did he make? 10 years of his own regrets.

You're an inspiration to me and I honestly don't think you need my advice. You seem to be doing better than fine on your own with God as your pilot.

Thanks RocketQueen...I think it speaks to the true value of an excellent Plan B. As long as I kept away, I kept it "moving". It was the moment that I let him back in. I shall return back to the dark place (for him that is...lol). It is a place of peace for me, as I remove myself from all the negativity that surrounds his cake-eating. I never followed the principles correctly and if I did, I most likely would be in a different place..but I am a hard-headed Italian-American girl, so it made it a bit difficult to swallow...lol. You will do fine and I hope that every one can at least learn from my stupid mistkes. A WS often mistakes kindness/compassion and a real desire to work on their marriage as stupidity. It will be an even darker day when they realize the foolish misconception....

SPG, welcome to MB(or welcome back?).

Did you post here before?

Did you enter a Plan B 10 years ago? I see that you said that you didn't really use MB techniques before, are you going to use them now?

Are you going to enter a proper Plan B this time?

Is your WH still with OW?

Hi Scotland...way back when, yes, I finally, after a very long time initiated a Plan B. I was very good at it as well. In the interim, he never filed (I attempted twice and he did not want)and we went our separate ways. Then he started to come around (as per above) and I swear (on my life) everyone and I mean everyone said that "he wants to come home!". I was very skeptical, but I thought maybe time had me not the most cooperative. So, I sat on it and thought about it. I still wanted my marriage. Time passed, the anger died away and I was back to me...before he even left...way before he left. In reality...he was still cake-eating. I should have not have been so friendly or accessible (in spite of my own agenda of living for me and liking my life). I never really reached back into the recesses of my mind...but when I did, I realized..."Hey wait, he never really every told me he was sorry, took responsibility...etc, etc." I let him, without even realizing it, get away with it all...

So, with his last attempt at being a cake-eater by inviting me to dinner and still living with the OW (the same he left for), I just told him...enough! No anger just resignation that he has run his course and he is now blacklisted from my life
Everyone has been given the instructions on how to handle his calls (especially my kids), and anyone who is in his address book. I truly feel for the loss for the 27yo son of the OW who took his life, but as for her...I cannot find the decency to care. I know it is wrong, but I am a bit hardened. So now, I will go through this, but I need advice. I know my WS, I know his motis operande....keeping dark is easy...the hard part is knowing when to open up to enterain should he every see the light...

In your Plan B letter did you give him the "map" to find his way home to you?

Did you give him your conditions with your EP's?

I personally am going to stay in a dark Plan B as long as my WH is still in contact with OW. That should be your NUMBER ONE condition to even communicate directly with him ever again.

I'm glad that you won't have a hard time staying dark, that is usually a very difficult time for BSs in Plan B.

Have you been reading on MB in these past 10 years? There are some really good threads about conditions, EPs, etc.

Now, an important question, have you "dated" at all in these past 10 years?

Thanks for your responses...I so appreciate them. I will have to brush up on my reading, as I have found my voice yet again to enforce this. Have I dated? Reluctantly, I have put myself out there, but in all honesty, I hate it and try not to. I just do not have the heart to get out there. I remained committed to raising my children and not fix me through dating and/or the bar/club scene. Whenever I had this idea that maybe a date here and there would work...oh my god, it was a disaster. So, I basically just stay away. I am really, just not interested. I hope that something is not wrong with me...lol. I have just been focussing on me...and there are still things that I want to accomplish. Even when he, the wanderer, didn't express any interest, I didn't have the desire to date. I just saved all the time for me to work on me...of course, this was in between taking care of kids, working full time and going to school to get my degrees.

My question is this....as I get mixed responses....is it appropriate to block his phone number from my cell. Both kids have phones and I have a home phone...I just want to set my boundaries. Everyone is on board to help protect me and I am very committed when I set myself to something. My last words to him was no communication whatsoever. Until you tell me that you are planning to discuss working on our marriage and restore our family, then I really do not want to have any discussions...I just am not interested. By the tone of his voice before I hung up...I can tell the man once again feels like I am the bad guy, but really...ten years and he still does not get it. I take responsibility for this fiasco, but can he be that thick???

Hi SoPhillyGal, Dr Harley advises that if the WS has not reconciled in 2 years that he is unlikely to ever come back.

Thanks MelodyLane..in all honesty, do you think this is worth even entertaining anymore or should I just really accept that he is lost for good? For years, I had never entertained the idea of reconciling and then, with these behaviors, he made everyone (children included) believe that he was working on coming back. I sometimes wonder what makes one tick. However, I tried...I truly did. I am the unfortunate statistic, but I will not cry nor lose sleep over it. I just believed...it is kind of embarrassing to admit this, but I always believed in happy endings.

SPG, when I asked about "dating" it is because you are still married. You shouldn't be dating. If you feel like you need to date, then you should definitely get a divorce FIRST.

Of course you should block his number from your cell. Actually, a better idea would be to change your number all together.

Is there anything that the two of you need to discuss? Does he pay CS?

You should read the How to Plan B correctly thread, and you should do it.

Do you plan on staying married to him forever? Even if that means that you would never date again?

He is long gone, my friend. There is nothing to entertain.


I have seen SO MANY happy endings when people got divorced and met someone new. If you would get divorced, your future would be very bright! And you can take the learnings from this program to make a great selection and create an awesome marriage. You really can. I have seen some amazing 2nd marriages. But as long as you stay in this long dead marriage, you miss that opportunity! You sound like a bright, intelligent, warm individual. I bet many suitable men would love to marry you.

Scotland...I totally agree about the dating and noooo, I shall not wait forever. For the past year is when the spouse has been making all of this inroads back into my life (and detrimental inroads they have turned out to be), so I haven't so much entertained dating. Prior to that, I spent two years losing a significant amount of weight and prior to that, finishing my degrees. He pays child support faithfully and sees the kids on the weekend, either a Saturday or Sunday. My daughter is nearly 19 and her time with him is dwindling due to school work and friends. My 13yo gets most of his attention during his 6 hr visit. So, in reality, there is absolutely no reason for us to even cross paths. I have kept in the back my mind divorce for a while, but I am steadily saving up to pay for a lawyer, in between paying for college and catholic school tuition. He is aware that divorce is the next step and I believe that he used this latest tactic to keep me from filing. Why? I haven't a clue...he is supposedly happy there...otherwise, he would have left, right?

SPG, he is just keeping you around as an option. The fantasy of most waywards is to remain "friends" with the betrayed spouse so he doesn't have to deal with any guilt. He has the best of both worlds. You are better off no matter what if you file for divorce. That way, you have a chance to find a fulfilling relationship for yourself.

My suggestion would be to file for divorce and go into a dark Plan B. Do BOTH.

Melody...thanks again

I appreciate your feedback! I know now that I can move on without any regrets. I do look forward to, when I find the time...lol, engage in a healthy relationship with a decent person.

Again, my thanks.

I 100% agree with Mel.

You should wait for him no more. He had his chance.
But if he was using you as his mistress, I would think about exposing to the OW.

Feelings follow actions. Until you divorce you haven't moved on, which is why dating is a disaster.

Plus good men aren't interested in a still-married woman, only losers are. (I'm in Plan B, ask me how I know this! Even with high boundaries I get the occasional vulture looking for vulnerabilty meat)

Your experiences will be much more rewarding after a divorce. There's a dating after divorce forum on this site for support, too.