Does anyone else suffer from very vivid dreams regarding the affair situation you're dealing with?

Last night I dreamed about my POSOM. It was so VIVID!!! I could hear him, see him, even feel his touch. The dream was all about me trying to break my EP's. It was awful because it brought back that feeling of keeping secrets.

I feel like vomiting right now. I just can't shake it. I think I am bothered because POS's birthday is tomorrow.

I needed to vent here because I really have no one else I can mention this to. Obviously my BH isn't going to want to hear about me dreaming about breaking my EP's (which I have no intention of doing!).

Thank you!

Does anyone else suffer from very vivid dreams regarding the affair situation you're dealing with?

CT, the mind pursues what it thinks it needs. On occasion it seems (especially to recovering BSs) that the mind needs the owner to suffer terribly. No BS thinks he needs to see the "mind-movies" that can go on for months. But in a larger sense, there is a certain amount of "acknowledgement" that a BS must undergo in order to let go of the resentment ("First possess it, THEN release it!") that learning of a spouse's infidelity creates. The "mind-movies" drive this process, evidently.

I wouldn't worry about the fact that such a dream would occur. You are probably correct in thinking your mind is "reminding" you of the calendar. It may be of value to consider what it is that you need to do, which your mind is stimulating you for.

CT, does your BH know that OM's birthday is coming up? Do you two have anyway to tell each other that you are being triggered?

This is something we struggle with........triggers.

He does know that POSOM's bday is tomorrow but we have not discussed it.

Should I approach the subject or just be on my best behavior tomorrow?

This stinks!

CT, if your BH doesn't bring it up, then don't you bring it up, either. Follow his lead.

And reassociate your recollections of the day. Take every thought captive. Plan something fun for you & H to do together. If you have time to think about the calendar, that means you're not making yourself busy enough. If you plan it wall-to-wall & you still have a lull, consider that Wikipedia has a list of more than 200 famous or merely modestly consequential people who were born on March 3, and your OM ain't anywhere on it. In short, no one gives a rat's @ss that it's his birthday tomorrow, and neither should you!

Thanks, GO! You're the best!
CT

CT,

I had those dreams for a number of years, they would stay with me all day, most of the dreams did not include OM. In those dreams I would be with my WW and looking at how beautiful she is and feeling a great pain that I had to accept what she had done and keep quiet.

God Bless
Gamma

More information for BH's.

Keep in mind your WW's are high on the following chemicals:
oxytocin: Acts like heroine does.. a long bonding high.
Dopamine: Acts like cocaine does...a quick intense high
testosterone: Acts like ecstasy...need I say more?

Here are some emotional withdrawl symptoms she might experience:
�Anxiety
�Restlessness
�Irritability
�Insomnia
�Headaches
�Poor concentration
�Depression
�Social isolation

Last night BH admitted to me (after 11 months) that OM never called him. Apparently, he received an anonymous message from someone on FB and it couldn't have been OM because I was with him during the time of discovery.

I don't know what to make of it now. I feel like my recovery has been manipulated by my BH. I know he has that right but I just feel very disoriented now.

I had spent so much energy and time angry with OM thinking he was trying to blow up my world when, in fact, he was telling the truth the entire time.

Listen, I'm not saying that makes what I did right. Not at all. I'm also not saying that I wouldn't have made the same decision and written OM the same NC letter.

I just feel so strange. My husband has never lied and he kept this lie hidden for months. I feel as if it is my fault that he has become a liar.

I guess I should just be thankful that he didn't have a revenge affair.

My mind is all over the place. Thoughts please.

Count your blessings and move on.
You are one of the very few lucky ones to be in recovery.
I sense you suddenly have an excuse to restart contact.

You appear to be very foggy still.

If you�ll check out my sig, you�ll see I�m passionate about the truth. I think the truth is what matters in all close relationships. It is what makes people, close, united, open, safe and in love.

However. There is another link in my sig called the Art of War. If you check it out, you�ll see that The Art of War is also referred to as the Art of Deception. It advises BSs how to bust up active affairs.

How can I have two such conflicting concepts in one signature? That�s because only our loved ones, worthy of trust must be given the truth in order for a relationship to thrive. But for the period of time that an alien enemy has invaded our formerly trusted spouse, and changed them into a wayward, we BSs cannot trust them with the truth.

I would not have advised your H to tell an outright lie if he had asked my advice on these boards. I think that usually damages a BSs war campaign too much, as they need to set an example. It is often used against them if they are overtly deceptive. However, I would have told him that he did not owe you radical honesty while you were wayward. I would have told him to snoop, and to keep that information from you. I would have told him to expose, while hiding his plan to do so from you.

The fact is CT, while you are worthy of the truth now, you didn�t deserve it then. As long as your H is radically honest with you today as part of your recovery, I would class this piece of dishonesty simply as part of the war tactics he employed to free you from your alien invader.

He fought for you, using whatever tactics he could lay his hands on. That is loving. He did not lie to you, he lied to the alien wayward who had taken your body.

I would see his revelation of the truth to you now, as a sign he is trusting you more and more.

Let me make sure I have the facts straight.

Your BH was grasping at straws to end your affair because the unbelieveable pain of knowing that you where having SF with the OM.

It doesn't bother you that your alibi, banging the OM at the time is the proof that your BH was lying.

Do I have the facts straight?


Edit to add: Your BH does not know who told him. So your BH can not say it was the OM or say that it was not the OM.

Many a OM will tell the BH that their WW is having an affair so the BH will dump the WW and the OM can have the WW to them selves.

So the anonymous tip could of come from OM. We will never know.
We know that your OM was the first to lie. OM lied and cheated against your BH with your assistance.

I see you as nothing more then a conman complaining that your victum after learning about the scam that you committed against him used your own medicine back against you and he used a counter scam.

How dare he sink down to your own level.

And the level of the OM. For as mentioned it could of been the OM all along behind the anonymous dday.

That is if you believe the OM to be 100% honest and of the highest morals.

Indie,
Thank you for responding. BH and I discussed last night. He said he used his "James Bond" tactics to keep our family together. He also said that if he had found MB that he would have fully exposed and not made up the lie. He was panicked in how to get me to tell the truth and destroy the affair.

I agree with you in that what he did was an act of love. I am going to read the stuff on your siggie.

I just feel strange. I have to work through these feelings. I will NOT make contact with OM. I know that NC is the only way to save my marriage. Besides, the NC letter was written in the same manner that I would write it today. I used an MB example.

Keep the advice coming........anyone have a similar experience?
CT

I agree with Indie,

He did what he had to do to save his marriage and you CT......It was an act of love for you.......you were not thinking like his wife or a contributing partner in the marriage, he had to carry the weight of both of you in that moment and made a decision that he thought would work to save you........
When you are fighting for your life in the middle of something so cruel and dishonest you do what you have to, you changed the rules and he fought fire with fire.........that is fair........
Now you are both being honest and have an understanding it was all part of fighting for your marriage with whatever it took to do that, it was for a good reason and a worthwhile one, YOU............
You want to get to this honesty and get it all out and put this mess behind the two of you, you have made great strides keep it up and keep the understanding where it should be..........
Even though you don't see the OM at fault, he was, he did destroy your world and he did lie to you and he did harm you and your husband and your family........
You are a lucky woman you are free of that hurtful man and have your arms around a man that truly loves you for who you are faults and all........Don't blow it this time.

JT,
Thank you for your perspective. I know you have been following my story and have praised my hard work in the past.

I will continue to follow the MB program and protect BH.

One good thing is that I can now let go of all the revenge fantasies I had towards OM. I am no longer expending energy on my hatred towards him.

I can now be happy for him that he has a girlfriend and has moved on. Before, I was so angry when I thought he was trying to blow up my world that I wanted to get him back.
CT

This has triggered you. Deal just as you would with any other trigger of that sad addictive time.

It would be preferable not to think of him at all. Work on neutrality. After all, what business was it of yours that he could have lied to you? What business of yours is it that he has a girlfriend?

You had no business with him, full stop. And he is not your business now. So you shouldnt be happy for him now, as though he is some sort of old friend. How would you even know about his life in NC any way?

Use techniques to get past the trigger instead.

Let's get the latest set of facts straight (and I hope you noticed I added a large section to my previous post to you).

You needed to revenge against the OM because he told your BH that he was banging you.

That you hated the OM only for that. So the damage that the OM did to you your BH and your marriage carry no weight with you.

How odd you are painting yourself as a victim. These posts leave out how your BH was victimized. Victimized far worse.

I make these statements only based on the way you tell your story to us.

Did the OM force you to drop, lift, remove whatever clothes you were wearing ever time you and the OM met to go at it?

So where does all this OM hate come from?

A BH will place all anger at the OM after the affair because it's hard to forgive and recover if they are going blame their WW.

It seems that you still need to blame others for the choices you made. So now it's time for you to blame the BH.

Road,
I see what you're saying and you're right. The fact is is that I wouldn't change anything, so why should I even think about him?

Indie is right. I am triggered and I need to deal with it like I deal with all the other triggers.

I have not had any contact with him direct or indirect. The last time I found out he has a girlfriend it was August. So, honestly, I have no idea if she's still around or what he's doing.

The point is: It doesn't matter because I intend to stay and work on my marriage.

Basically, I'm venting and asking for ways to deal with my feelings. I have learned, for sure, that (as Dr. Harley notes)that I cannot make decisions based on feelings.

I am very thankful that BH told me the truth. Now there is total O and H. We have no more secrets between us and that can only make us stronger.

I am also triggered because the one year anniversary of D-Day is upon us......