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I discovered my wife's affair nine months ago. The bombs just kept dropping. She was in nursing school, pregnant, with our third child. I was working nightshift as a nurse and taking care of our other two children 4yr, and 2yr old. It was hell, but I felt good knowing she'd be graduated and it would all be over soon. It was hard on her having a baby and going right back to school to say the least. Her last month of school she withdrew from me and at first I didn't notice because I was exhausted from nightshift,kids,and taking care of the household-EVERYTHING. Then I drove 6 hrs away with the kids to buy her an SUV she's always wanted, and I drove 6 hrs back that day with three kids (one a baby). That's when she did it in my beloved truck, one I've worked hard for my whole life. She stayed that night with her girlfriend from school, I thought nothing of it,trusted her. The next day I saw her and something was wrong. Out of the blue she told me she wanted a divorce. I crumpled bawling with devastation. I asked if she had cheated she said no. I spent the next month living with a stranger who kept leaving all night long. Words cannot describe the excrutiating turmoil I was enduring. She wouldn't tell me anything. I was losing my mind. Finally, one night I came home from work early and she wasn't home. I met her coming home. She was really drunk, and I confronted her...she acted like she hated me. When she passed out, I checked her phone and found the proof. I was leaving her that day to pick up the kids, and she got up and finally admitted it. I left. It never ocurred to me we would stay together...you cheat and it's over is all I ever knew. Her grandparents brought up the possibility of reconcilliation, she came over there that day and begged forgiveness. I said okay. God, this post is lame...I just can't convey what really happened! The guy she had an affair with was a patient she met at the VA! He was a criminal and a murderer! He got away with murder! He got locked up for dealing in stolen property the day I found out about the affair, and she told me the other day if he hadn't have been locked up she didn't think she would have been able to leave him! But now I have undying love from her...There is so much to this I can't say it all on one post...He was in my bed, they were in my SUV I bought her with my kids in there!, in my truck!, he knew where I worked, he was in my house! He saw all my pictures of me and my family on my walls! He showered in my bathroom! He wrote his name in my wife's period blood on her naked body and said she was his now! There's so much I'm freaking out! I can't stop crying! God I need help!!! Please someone help me!!! I'm so alone!! I have no friends no familiy no one i can count on...oh my god...the marriage counselor discharged us said WE WERE FINE, our other therapist WAS NOT HELPING...she said her husband cheated on her and she laid in bed for seven years. She seemed biased against my wife, and she kept making weird assumptions about me so we stopped seeing her...she was seeing us both. Oh, man, I just can't write anymore right now.
BH 34
FWW 24
Daughters 4, 2, 1 yo
D-Day 5-29-11
NC 5-29-11
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Hi Jason, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry for the reasons that brought you here. Most marriages do not ever recover from affairs because they do not take the steps suggested by Dr Harley. Your marriage can recover if you take some very specific steps.
The first of which would be to affair proof your marriage. Start by changing the environment that led to the affair. In your case, it would mean making sure you never work opposite shifts again and perhaps changing her career so she is not alone with male patients. She has shown she cannot be professional in such a setting so perhaps she should switch her job to a nurse in a doctors office, where she can be more closely supervised.
I would also strongly suggest you sell your SUV and your house since that will be a trigger to you. It will be harder for you to recover living there and being reminded daily of what she did in your own home.
Everyone should know about the affair. Your family, her family, children over age 4, close friends. This will provide much needed support for your marriage and most especially, it will help remove her fog and motivate her to take the steps to undo the damage she did.
I would get the book, Surviving an Affair and read all the articles here on infidelity. I will post Dr Harley's requirements for recovery in the next post.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance. Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place. Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details. Best wishes, Willard F. Harley, Jr.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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...I just can't convey what really happened! The guy she had an affair with was a patient she met at the VA! Can't she lose her job for having an adulterous affair with a patient? She needs to change her job so she is more closely supervised. Her behavior is extremely unprofessional.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Sorry you are here but welcome. Glad to see Mel is helping you. There's so much I'm freaking out! I can't stop crying! God I need help!!! Please someone help me!!! I'm so alone!! I have no friends no familiy no one i can count on...oh my god...the marriage counselor discharged us said WE WERE FINE, our other therapist WAS NOT HELPING...she said her husband cheated on her and she laid in bed for seven years. This is an extremely stressful overwhelming time for a BS. Dr Harley does recommend antidepressants if necessary. Have you considered that? Good job in dumping the marriage/individual counseling. Most counselors don't understand the dynamics of affairs and often do more damage than good. Are you certain that all contact has ended? Is your W being transparent, accounting for all of her time and allowing you access to her phone, etc? Hang in there...
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I have read just about this whole site, so I understand her mindset a lot better. She was a student nurse when the affair happened, now she works at a nursing home.She has been 99% transparent with all details except times when she said he's been on her mind and she didn't want to tell me to hurt me. I told her tell me anyway...radical honesty. However, there are things I wish I never knew because they keep coming back to stab me. I already sold the SUV and we moved, but we still have the damn truck because we need reliable transportation until my land sells (whenthehelleverthatis) and I can buy something else. So like I said I sold the SUV and yesterday I go to the post office and BLAM there it is! The very same SUV in the parking lot with some lady sitting in it doing paperwork. My job found out about the affair through a supervisor I told in confidence, and then she told EVERYONE. I was ganged up on like I did something wrong, and all of my supervisors were riding me. My wife told me to quit. She said she would go to work, and I needed time off to get better. She has changed a lot since the affair, but she said she still felt vulnerable to another affair because I've been distant and she feels like I don't want her. I have been working my [censored] off to save us, and I have told her I just don't see the same effort from her. I keep telling her what my emotional needs are and she keeps forgetting to meet them. I try to meet her emotional needs, but she won't express them to me so I can meet them. I've really learned to trust my instincts in the last 9 months, and they are telling me if we continue like this--our marriage will die. I keep telling her this. I tell her I need to see her as fired up about us as I am-- to show it-- let me know she's in it to win it, and she just can't muster any intensity unless it's do or die...like if I mention divorce. I feel like I'm cracking up. I took ownership of myself and worked my [censored] off to get myself better, and also put 100% into my marriage, but it seems like stuff just keeps popping up and popping up to stab me over and over. I feel like she's not doing enough to keep me reassured so I can heal. She keeps saying, "I thought I was doing good." I keep telling her what I need the same thing over and over and she doesn't do it. I'm not so insecure that I'm a bottomless pit she couldn't ever possibly fill either...that would be totally against what I want-- a healthy marriage with a healthy us in it.
BH 34
FWW 24
Daughters 4, 2, 1 yo
D-Day 5-29-11
NC 5-29-11
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...I just can't convey what really happened! The guy she had an affair with was a patient she met at the VA! Can't she lose her job for having an adulterous affair with a patient? She needs to change her job so she is more closely supervised. Her behavior is extremely unprofessional. Job? Developing a "relationship" with a patient, or the family of a patient, can result in the loss of your license. State licensing boards take that stuff very seriously, and it is a serious violation of professional boundaries. It's a pretty serious violation of nursing ethics.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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All contact ended when he went to jail for dealing stolen property, and then was sentenced to prison for one year for that. I had the pleasure of answering his collect call to my wife from jail. He was surprised it was me, and I let him have it, told him to enjoy his boyfriends in the big house. She's been transparent with everything except when she thinks her feelings are going to hurt me or set the recovery or marriage back. For instance, when it was really raw for me, she held back telling me she had slept with a second guy because she thought I would leave her. She was right I would have. This guy doesn't seem to bother me so much anymore. It's prison-boy that gets me...she had a relationship with him, told him she loved him, all sorts of gruesome details she told me that I hate knowing about.
BH 34
FWW 24
Daughters 4, 2, 1 yo
D-Day 5-29-11
NC 5-29-11
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It was when she was a nursing student, before she had her license. She had severe post partum depression after birth of our third child at the time.
BH 34
FWW 24
Daughters 4, 2, 1 yo
D-Day 5-29-11
NC 5-29-11
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I've had some good times in the last 9 months but it keeps coming back and coming back and biting me, sticking me, stabbing me. We don't have a lot of money for therapy...I just don't know what to do...I tried writing a long letter to Dr. Harley in hopes maybe he could understand what happened to me and help me, but as I was writing it...I was reliving all of it...I erased the three pages I had typed...I can't do it. I need direction, help, something...I feel hopelesss, lost, and have nowhere to turn. I'm going on a year of all of this pain. This has been the worst year of my life...and it just doesn't let up. I'm trying so hard to get better.
BH 34
FWW 24
Daughters 4, 2, 1 yo
D-Day 5-29-11
NC 5-29-11
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I have been working my [censored] off to save us, and I have told her I just don't see the same effort from her. I keep telling her what my emotional needs are and she keeps forgetting to meet them. You are going about this the wrong way because you have no plan. Feelings follow ACTIONS, not the other way around. If you want your wife to fall in love with you, then you have to take certain ACTIONS to make sure that happens. It won't happen by accident. You must have a plan.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I've had some good times in the last 9 months but it keeps coming back and coming back and biting me, sticking me, stabbing me. We don't have a lot of money for therapy...I just don't know what to do...I tried writing a long letter to Dr. Harley in hopes maybe he could understand what happened to me and help me, but as I was writing it...I was reliving all of it...I erased the three pages I had typed...I can't do it. I need direction, help, something...I feel hopelesss, lost, and have nowhere to turn. I'm going on a year of all of this pain. This has been the worst year of my life...and it just doesn't let up. I'm trying so hard to get better. You don't need therapy, you need a PLAN. Get the book Survivng an Affair and the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love and follow the program in there. I agree with Susie that you need anti-depressants so you can get some relief.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It was when she was a nursing student, before she had her license. She had severe post partum depression after birth of our third child at the time. She is very unprofessional. Does she understand she can lose her license for this? What is being done to prevent her from doing it again? It looks like absolutely NOTHING since she threatened to have another affair. I am not sure what her PPD has to do with her adultery. That has nothing to do with her poor boundaries around other men. Until her poor boundaries are addressed, repeat affairs are probably in your future.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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...I just can't convey what really happened! The guy she had an affair with was a patient she met at the VA! Can't she lose her job for having an adulterous affair with a patient? She needs to change her job so she is more closely supervised. Her behavior is extremely unprofessional. Job? Developing a "relationship" with a patient, or the family of a patient, can result in the loss of your license. State licensing boards take that stuff very seriously, and it is a serious violation of professional boundaries. It's a pretty serious violation of nursing ethics. Thats what I thought! Thanks for weighing in. you have been missed!! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Maybe I posted in the wrong forum...I thought I was in recovery, I guess I'm still surviving. It seemed even our therapist didn't want to touch aspects of what happened. I would bring up stuff the therapist would completely ignore, and my wife stated the same thing. I'm thinking the same goes for here. If I read what I posted (and it was from someone else not me) I'd be like whoa! What the heck could I possibly say to this guy? "Chin up, champ! It'll be better in two years!" I probably would behave like my former therapist...not touching that one. I've just got to bite the bullet and realize I'm all on my own. No one is going to help me out of this, because no one can. I'm hoping for a miracle again. I remember the last time I felt that way, I went to church soon after finding out (im not a church-goer) and I approached the pastor to ask for help and got the proverbial headpat and "that's nice son" then ignore. I've most of the time had a problem asking for help, now I've been asking all over the place...man, I'm just typing for lack of anything better to do than cry. I'm a grown man. A grown man that has been crying for a year...my wife has to love me to stick with that. I'm lost and just crazy typing to some forum hoping someone gives a [censored] and I'm getting more and more disgusted with myself. I wish I had a clear direction. No one wants to touch this, got to suck it up, anyway thanks to those who replied already...
BH 34
FWW 24
Daughters 4, 2, 1 yo
D-Day 5-29-11
NC 5-29-11
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Wow im so screwed up I didn't even see people replying to me...im so sorry
BH 34
FWW 24
Daughters 4, 2, 1 yo
D-Day 5-29-11
NC 5-29-11
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im in a pity party here...im just really upset...i can't think sraight thank you all for replying...i just need to calm down
BH 34
FWW 24
Daughters 4, 2, 1 yo
D-Day 5-29-11
NC 5-29-11
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JJ-
Take a deep breath, my brother.
It may not sound like it but you have a few things going for you. You are interested in saving this marriage and your wife appears to want that too. And, most importantly you came here for help.
First, please write using multiple paragraphs. Long paragraphs are not easy to read.
Next, the images go away over time (so they tell me).
Did he really write his name on your wife in period blood? Holy cow thats nasty. Pretty rough to stop thinking about that, for sure.
You are all over the place and not focusing on a plan. So get with the info on this site and buy the books and create your plan.
Next change your home number so this deviant cannot call collect or otherwise.
You inserted in one of your posts about second affair your wife had? What is going on over there man?
More than anything else you need to slow down and focus. You manic mood swings are not helping and I know all about mood swings.
Hang in there.
Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
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Jason, we are giving you clear direction out of this mess, you just have to follow it. You have to put aside your feelings and change your ACTIONS. Your feelings will follow your actions. The actions you take to make you feel better are:
1. affair proof your marriage. Your wife should become transparent and clean up her poor boundaries around men. Your lifestyles should change to ensure she CAN'T have another affair.
2. create a romantic, interpendent marriage. Creating a great marriage will wipe out your bad memories.
If you want to recover from this, this is the path you need to take.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Okay, I'll check out the books and start to form a plan. The
second guy she was with him the night before I discovered the affair with prison boy.
She was with him one time, then he went to jail for the same thing as the other guy because they are friends. Lovely.
We changed phone numbers a while ago. I feel like she needs to be as firey as I at trying to recover. I guess I'm supposed to
inspire that in her, instead of her realizing...I need to light
a fire inside myself for this guy.
Anyway, I'll get the books get my action going, and see what happens. I'm probably wrong, but I feel as the betrayed one she
should be bending over backwards to do whatever she can on her end to save us.
Instead of the other way around.
BH 34
FWW 24
Daughters 4, 2, 1 yo
D-Day 5-29-11
NC 5-29-11
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