Well, I just got home from a 5 day trip. I had been visiting our (mine and wife) good friends with my daughter. My wife was out there two weeks ago. The lady is her Best friend and they are godparents to our child. The BF and her husband have also been great friends to me thru this all. Hard to believe but BF has been mostly on my side, but we had many interesting discussions this weekend. So here it goes..<P>I think I am realizing that my wife's continued affair is about either the need for sexual fulfillment or continued behavior of a sexual dysfunction in relationships. The BF has been with W thru the last 11 years and 3-5 relationships. She believes my wife has major issues in her life, sexual relationship problems, and otherwise needs to deal with healing her emotions and heart from past scars and behaviors. The BF is an LCSW and very understanding about these type of situations, so I can't just blow off her thoughts. Her husband, a youth pastor, also has the some feelings. They think that based on w's behavior, quick change in life, and continued affair she is not emotionally healthy. Based on this realization, ( I have thought of it in the past), I am considering changing my plan B approach.<BR> <BR>Dr. Harley states plan A and plan B can be applied in most situations. I think mine is different (do you guys agree?). If you read my previous posts, you know my W has told me that our marriage was good (except for sex), is not sure what needs the OM has met for her, and the more I hear about her relationship the more I think it's about sexual fulfillment (since ours sucked). The BF told me what she could. BF said wife is still not sure about divorce, still not sure about OM, BF thinks they will crash eventually, wife is already irritated about a couple of habits of OM, and child is starting to cause conflict for W. <P>But now, I am wanting to move on, get a life, stop losing respect for wife, and really tell her what I think about OM spending nights and being around in general when child is there. Dr. Chalmers said to give it 2 more months. I dont think I need anymore plan A love deposits. Wife knows how I feel and anymore attempts at deposits are going nowhere (which is to be xpected). So now I want to do plan B for me. Tell her no more me, money, and child is out of your life half the time (no more calls/updates). Yes, plan B is a risk, especially at 4 months into the affair. She is obviously still addicted to the OM even if it is mostly sexual. Now, I know there has to be some emotional attachment/so called love, or else sex would not have gotten them this far, but based on my observations and BF discussions with her we both feel it's about SEX!!! (Ironic usually it's men doing it for the sex) My plan B , may never get her back to me, but I will help me move on, since I pretty much have to accept that she does not want to work on our marriage.<P>Besides, BF, feels W's best option is to be alone and deal with all her issues to straighten out her relationship/sexual problems. If that ever happens, she may still decide to be on her own, and I can accept that. For now though, I can't be her friend (it hurts too much, on my trip I left msge last night at her apt, she called later "no did not get msge" by 10:15, obvsly at OM apt). I am losing love and respect for her when I talk to her like this and realize the reality of her behavior.<P>Well.. what do you guys think... I really value all your feedback and similar to Eric32, I am seeking to heal myself and I am comfortable with moving on without my dream, there will be other dreams. My new motto: The best revenge is having a great life.

Hey Izzy,<P>Pal, Your situation is not that much different than most of ours. It is a very selfish time for "them". It helps me to envision that Val has gone temporarily insane. This is NOT the woman I married 5 years ago. The S is not in their right mind. For what ever reason they choose to venture outside the marriage for fulfilment of an emotional or physical need that we apparently weren't able to fill. Or at least that's their story.<P>If your are truly loosing respect and love for your W it is past time for you to be in strict Plan B. This is for YOU. To protect the love you still have for her. To show her what life will be without you. To show you what life will be without her. To make you go out and get a LIFE. I know easier done than said. HUH. <P>I'm going thru the exact same thing, Bud. Told her when she is ready to work on marriage give ME a call. Haven't heard from her for the last 5 days. That's OK. it's ashame I used to think about us 24/7. Now it's very little. I'm going out tonight with an old GF. Just as "friends". It's my time now.<P>Wishing us all the Best<P>Medic.

izzy, <P>It sounds like you are getting on with your life. You seem to have resolved a lot of issues. You are seeing your wife in a new light. And you are also seeing that you can survive this. <P>I think you should go to Plan B. It sounds like it may work for you. It is a risk, but you sound like your ready to proceed with or without her. That has to be your feelings to make it through Plan B. You will make the OM have to meet all her needs. He may not be willing to do that and your wife may not want him to. It looks like she is seeing this guy for who it is. The passion does fade. True characters are revealed. <P>Izzy, you sound like you are healing your self. You have grown tremendously through this. You are a good man izzy. <P>SHA

Izzy,<P>I diito everything Sir Hurts Alot says. Best of luck to you.....<P>Roll Me Away

Plan B is for us, and if you feel you are ready to embark on Plan B, then you probably are. It is a very personal thing, and the answer is probably different for everyone.<P>Plan B didn't work very well for me as my H always found a way to maintain a presence in my life. I felt like he wasn't sure he wanted me, but he didn't want anyone else to have me either. I just did not have the stamina or willpower to tell him to stay totally out of my life. Plus, I feel that he is mentally unstable, so that was a constant worry, too. <P>I was in Plan B long enough to realize that I can have a happy, & fulfilling life without H. It forced me to establish close friendships which I haven't had since marrying H 21 years ago. It showed me that I can make good friends. We have always been best friends, and that coupled with all the time spent at work, & maintaining a home left no time for other friendships. Probably not a good thing.<P>Anyway, Plan B can be a very good thing. In the beginning, I actually felt liberated (from the stress, the pain, the hurt, etc.) It was the first time in months that I started to feel tiny bits of hope creeping back into my life.<P>But, it doesn't take long before lonliness starts to invade. Especially, since the world mostly is built for couples. So, you have to prepare for this.<P>I just love your motto:<BR>"The best revenge is having a great life."<P>Good luck to you and keep us posted on your progress.