She needs to see you are firm about her quitting her job and that nothing will happen without her meeting that requirement.

If she wants to be alone and miserable, she is free to choose that destiny.

Tell her you need her and you to counsel with the Harleys.

That she must write a NC letter. Let you approve it then mail it.

That she must leave that job because can not have NC if she still works there.

This is needed to start recovery.

I would tell/write her the above, prefaced with "For me to stay married to you,"

Good job, but expect her to pull back next as she tries to recover the relationship with OM.

rt. Tell your WW that you want to have a loving and happy marriage. You have a plan for how she can EARN back your trust and for how the two of you can rebuild the romantic love and have a stronger marriage than ever before.

But for you to stay in the marriage she must do the following.

1. Commit to the marriage
2. Quit job with OM
3. Commit to NC for LIFE with OM including a NC letter in which she addresses the pain and disrespect she caused her family. You mail after approving.

4. Move back home

5. Complete transparency of her life
6. No opposite sex friendships
7. Commitment to MB recovery plan

This is what it will take to keep you in the marriage. Be ready to pursue the legal action to get the kids if she hesitates. ETA: This will show her that you are serious about your conditions.

Once again you did a fabulous job!! I would set up an appointment with Steve Harley for yourself and familiarize him with the situation. Then reach out to her and see if she will talk to him on her own. See, she does not believe there is any hope for your marriage or that she can ever be happy again. She realizes she can't find another man like you who will accept her children but she is not in love. She does not know how to turn that around and does not believe she can be in love with you. This is where Steve can make an amazing difference. He can show her a PLAN where she can be in love with you but the advantage of being in love with you is that it is a SUSTAINABLE RELATIONSHIP.

Please get an appointment with Steve. It is much cheaper than a divorce. Her affair has crumbled and now is the time to present her with a great option..

GREAT JOB WITH YOUR KIDS!!!

Steve can give you talking points on how to interest her in speaking to him. He will have you say something like: "my counselor would like to hear your perspective on the situation." That is not the same as pressuring her into counseling, it is simply asking her to give her perspective.

Dude, on a scale of 1 to 10 you hit about a "9" if not higher!

I would contact her today, and follow up on the breakthrough you had. Nothing huge - a lunchdate this week, something to give you the opportunity to make your case to her.

Be consistent with your message - the marriage is repairable; her efforts and commitment are required; your family stands to gain (or lose) a great deal depending on her decision (this part she knows, as evidenced by her visit).

Well done, amigo!

Melody, I did talk with steve a month or so ago, long before even the exposure. At that point I didnt know for sure what was going on. Anyway we talked about options. The option of talking with her was brought up. I am going to approach her either via phone or email and tell her what would make me happy is yes we go to counseling like you offered and I would like it to be the Harleys. I think we should start seperataly and see how it goes from there. I'll ask her to agree and if she does I will set it up with MB so that I am paying for the services. Steve told me when I talked to him that he finds this to be the best option Seperate and then together. I dont want to push at this to much because she seems to be coming along on her own. I want her to feel that feeling of loved and wanted but under conditions, especially since that is what she said led to this. She said she didnt know if I loved her and she felt not important and I didnt make time for her so she found someone who would after being frustrated for a year or two. So obviously I didnt meet those emotional needs and I have to show her that I can meet those needs. That would help her know she can fall back in love, I think.

I am encouraged by the progress in the last few days.
I still think she is in withdrawal but I think that is to be expected.

She told me he wont talk with her, She already told him she was sorry for all the lies and crud but apparently he wants nothing with her and will not talk to her.
Yes I agree she needs to quit her job. If she is able to get through this for a while and feel she can fall in love. I dont think she would have a issue with that. she has always wanted to quit other work or work with my business.
I agree with all the rules of MB

Step by step, I dont want to get to far ahead of this but I feel my best option is get counseling if she will go.

Thank you all for the help and keep it coming,
Thak God for the strength and Wisdom.

NG
Thanks man,
I felt pretty good about this all and I'm glad some of you all see it good to. Keeps me going!
She is mulling things over I'm sure.

rts, I agree you need to take a very cautious approach and that is why I am suggesting calling Steve and getting his advice on how best to approach her and get her on the phone with him. My greatest concern is that she will want a local counselor and then you are screwed. You have ONE SHOT to get her into counseling, if even that. And if it is squandered on your typical totally USELESS counselor, you are done. You won't have another chance. If she gets into your typical MC, who has no understanding of the wayward mindset, it is very common for the MC to validate fogbabble. And then you are screwed.

The problem is you got it the wrong way around.

You understand she can't feel love for you before NC? She won't be in withdrawal until NC. Right now she's actively wayward.

It would be like expecting a drunk to be sober before quitting the booze.

She's never going to be OK with quitting her addiction, so its good your exposure has messed with OM and her job

That's why EPs can't be negotiated and agreed upon.Its non negotiable.

Its got to be a take it or leave it sort of deal.

I sent wife email last night after she had come over day before.
I told her I wanted to have a better marriage than before in fact a great marriage and yes I would like to see counselor as you offered.

She replied back your only do things to benefit you.
I gave you everything you wanted in the prenup agreement (which in fact she did more than 50% of this so that I would feel safe getting married because I had been burned once financially before by ex wife who left with other guy because he was funner to party with while I worked, she did not work, she ended up getting beat by him physically, put in the hospital and then wanted to fix things up with me after I was already dating my now wife. I said sorry) my offer is to help you accept that our marriage is ending and to make me happy again and learn to focus on the things I can control. She says Her offer is was also if I stopped talking to her friends (she has none right now so AKA boyfriend) her work (have only contacted them once and that was exposur) her family (they are still great friends and support me and what I'm doing to try to work on our marriage but she would like that to end so she can lie to them, my feelings anyway). When she asked if I would say I would do that I said no way and I wont say I was sorry for the exposure like she asked me to also.
She goes onto say you say you have changed to be a better husband/person but everything you do shows me the opposite. You do not conduct yourself with respect for me (aka I wont just leave her alone and agree to let her have her fling with out me exposing it or telling the kids or anyone who should or wants to know) my words mean nothing just my actions.
She says I'm scrambling to get my way to make her love me again but I push her away (aka I wont let her have her fling quitely)

She says what I did is a horrible thing. she is not going to lie anymore.
She regrets that I wont see she wasnt happy in our marriage and now I will blame him for everything instead of working on myself.(Wait I have said I know you were not happy and you felt neglected as well as a few other things and I am going to work on that and would like to make those needs met for you so you can be happy and in love but the affair had to stop)
She says I'm working on my issues to make herself stronger and more confident, her choice to have relations with OM was bad choice as well as other things in the last 10 years that led to the breakdown of our marriage.
She thinks she created a problem by choosing to let me have my way and not deal with any problems so she could keep peace easily. Now she says I cant understand how I cant have my way. (I feel this is totally irrelevent but I can see how she thinks this, truth is she's upset I have just not given in and walked away because she thinks things would be so much easier, again my feelings.)

So there is my contact, I was pretty disappointed in this reply to be honest but maybe I should have expected it. It seems as her mind flows all over the place day to day.
I know she is still stuck on posom. And she is hopeful she might win him back or something. From what I know for now its off and I think I should keep the heat on that. ??

Today I have not known what to think to be honest. I'm getting frustrated with being put or shut down.
I have mixed emotions, do I ask her to talk to coach for myself. Coach did say he would like to talk to her if she would. Then I started to think maybe she wins I just walk away (its not about winning to me its about having a good marriage). Then I talked to some of my divorced friends as of within the last 5 years.
One his wife was having a affair with a friend for 2 years found out they agreed to stop and they would work on marriage and they didnt he found out and ruined the guys front of the house. WW kept seeing other guy until they got divorced and then it was no more. It was a very bad divorce! After a few years now, they are great friends and dating I found out today, I was like huh never would of guessed that.
Another friend wife had affair with guy from highschool. Friend wanted to work on it she said no I love this other guy. He was crushed they got divorced for the past 2-3 yrs and now they are great friends and not dating but flirting with each other and who knows if more.
Another buddy who had bad divorce and said would never marry again blah blah, 5+ yrs ago said if he was as mature as he is now he would have never gotten divorced.
So my now I am seeing that all these people are some how workig back together or wish they did it different. Obviously the affair or divorce doesnt solve the issues. I get that very much. So my dilema is what do I do.
I know for a fact, we had a good relationship but didnt work on the details, not just because of me but her to. We both had faults. Now if it was good then if we really worked on it and made adjustments that made each other happy then what kind of thing would it be.
A wise man once told me wherever you go your problems follow you if you dont fix them.
Do I keep waiting? time on that before divorce stuff happens will run out.
Do I ask her to talk to coach for me?
Do I get frustrated and let her find things out the hard way?

I am leaning on #2

This whole in the fog thing makes sense and is just crazy how abnormal someone can be.
Did you guys listen to the radio show today? Great show take the time if you have it.

Advice/ oppinions

I reiterate what I said before!! Ask her to speak to Steve because he is trying to help you deal with this and wants to get her perspective. I am not reading that whole thing, because the only thing that matters is getting on the phone with Steve.

Did you read my post about getting her on the phone with Steve?

Frankly, I am not in the least bit interested in her fogbabble. [who cares??? ] It is IRRELEVANT to the issue. What is relevant is your PLAN to get her on the phone with Steve. Where do you stand with that?

Nothing more than babble. Pay no real attention to it, but do clue in on what she's telling you on the why. Fogbabble can produce a smidgen of truth if you look for it. But most of it's bullcrap.

Sounds like you've done a pretty good job of scaring away POSOM, but keep your eyes open, and your ear to the ground. If you see one sign of contact, contact his sorry butt again.

As far as your WW is concerned, it's Plan A time big time. Did you send those flowers and note I suggested? And get her on the phone with Steve

click here <-----this is a translation of what your wife said.

But your focus should remain on YOUR PLAN.

I would write her back and say, "thanks for your thoughts, honey, I appreciate your offer to help. I am counseling with Steve Harley and he has asked to speak to you to get your perspective so he can help me deal with this. All my love, rtschida."

Melody

click here LOL!!

going at plans

Well I am not sure what you would recomend

Wife had asked me what I wanted to do to make me happy and her. Did I want her to move back home or go to counseling. I told her I needed to think. I did and called her back. I told her I would put as much effort into it as she does. I will work with her but she has to admit and accept faults and stop hiding everything.
WW got mad about that and said I being a jerk, self centered, see this is what I mean all I care about is myself not her feelings. I said because I wont just lie for you or forget what has gone on or? How am I being a jerk please tell me? She wanted me to go to counseling but not tell anyone anything, not talk to anyone she doesnt want me to, (her work, posom, her friends, any friends she may still have). I said that is not how we fix things, I do what you say? How does that solve anything.
Anyway she went from one day wanting me to do this or that to I wont do it on her terms so I'm a jerk.
Now a few days later she is so sad again her life is ruined and she is angry at me, its my fault. I just dont get it. No logic that I can understand.
She also is back reaching out to a few friends of her from the past (I hear) but since she blew everyone off and they know the deal no one has been very outgoing or reaching back towards her so far and knowing her that is killing her.
I'm back real busy with work as spring has sprung so I dont have the time like I had before.
I love my wife but she gets more confusing all the time to me.

I'm open to ideas and listening. At this point I just have left her alone for a few days now.

Did you set up that appointment wtih Steve Harley????

"honey, I am sorry I was so hard on you. I want us to have a happy, respectful, loving marriage and I have to admit I don't know how to do that. I would like to work with this guy, Steve Harley, of Marriage Buildrs, because I know he has a good plan. I don't want to waste our time with plans that don't work."

And ASK HER OUT on a romantic date for this weekend!! Start being pleasant to her. You are being compared to the OM right now so don't fight with her.

I asked her to talk with Steve. Originally it was ok then it was maybe, Then she wanted to put on demands. Dont talk or tell people what is going on, dont call any of my friends, dont call or tell my work or anyone there we are going to do this and then I will talk to him.
That doesnt seem right to me.
Why would we have to hide stuff to talk to a coach? Because your not going to tell the truth maybe, or you dont want everyone to know your thinking of working on stuff, or its all a show or lie. I dont know but I just dont think I should be making deals to just get you to talk to a coach.
Its so up and down at times. One day she will offer something and then the next day its well only if I get this from you or No I changed my mind.
When she wants to talk its ok and I should by her but if she doesnt then its leave me alone.

So if I'm being compared to OM what do I do in this situation?
She will talk with me and then next thing say leave me alone dont call me. Then if I do that I'm doing as she asks but not making any love bank deposits.

I really dont know what to do in this situation at all honestly.

If I ask her out for a lunch or walk or? I feel like she may freak out but if I do nothing then I'm waiting on her which could never happen.