Plan B is for you to regain your health. You have been living with a wayward for three years ... your posts demonstrate how emotionally unhealthy you are in your life.

Plan B is not divorce ... it is showing your WH what divorce will be like if he doesn't man up and start to care and protect you.

As an outsider ... reading your posts for the past year ... I have continuously voiced my concern for your health. Your WH has been cruel and abusive since D-Day ... sure he throws you some crumbs when the fire gets hot ... you come right in with some water and turn the heat down for him.

He is wayward ... still wayward ... your are settling for crumbs.

Plan B is to regain your health and to give your WH the opportunity to earn your trust. When are you going to realize he hasn't protected you, your boys, or cared for you? How much more is it going to take?

Tough~

This thinking above is dangerous. It makes for an uneven playing field. The EN meeting is lopsided ... both of you need to do 25+ hours/week of need meeting.

If your WH is willing to go the extra mile with EP's, then you make up a Post-Nuptial agreement ... it is the only way to protect you if he breaks his EPs.

Just to set the record straight we are doing 20 hours UA time per week, during this time we cuddle talk and just spend time together. We struggled with UA time in the past because we never scheduled it, now it's scheduled it's very easy to adhere to,

As far as outings, we don't get child are often but we have free time when the kids are at school, we use this time for UA and have taken on an allotment plot ( a small farmland plot for the non Brits here) where we have enjoyed many hours planting and preparing the plot. H works evenings from 5:30 pm till midnight so we get alot of time together kids free but it's daytime, we go to lunch or for a coffee dates etc.

Two weeks ago my uncle moved back to the UK with his W and kid after living in china for 8 years, as I helped him find a home and helped him get settled in he offered to look after the kids so we can go out for H birthday. We wanted a social outing hence why it wasn't just the two of us. Due to H work hours and lack of child are we don't see many of our friends socially very often, infact one of the people who came along H had not seen for 9 years despite the fact that he lives locally.

We are practicing UA time, we are POJAing and we are meeting each others needs. My issue is with EP's.

So that's a reply to some posts the rest coming up shortly.

And how many times a week do you get out on DATES?

As far as his mindset I am seeing the wayward thinking streak, I'm not kidding myself I see the blame shifting dodging and excuses.

I made it clear today that I am not interested in these all I want to know is what he will do NOW to ensure the EPs are protected. I am not interested in waiting for another incident I want prevention not cure. He is still scratching his head struggling to get it. He doesent know what to actually do.

I suggested reading the EP's again anything he does not get will need to be discussed but it's staying on the list regardless plus get MB advice and stop skirting around difficult posts.

I know saying this won't make the situation much better but he was still harping on about how he finds it hard to be mean to people (referring to not chucking the girl off his lap onto the floor). I did my best to explain that he needs to see every woman as a possible OW. He hates his OW so I explained has the OW been taught a lesson how not to mess with married men he would not have got in the mess he did with her ( before you kill me for making this statement his OW exclusively dated married men etc so wasn't a standard OW), had any of the married men she messed with embarrassed her by calling her on her behaviour she would have found it harder to ruin so many families.

H understood when I used this example. The girl that sat on his lap was on the road of having the same morals of his OW. I asked has the OW (the one he had a PA with) been the one to sit on your lap what would you have done? He stated he would have thrown her accross the room then piled a few chairs on top of her. I stated well this girl behaved the same way as your OW she showed little respect for our marriage and messed with a married man, why did she deserve any leaniancy or consideration from him. He shut up and got it.

So now to the plan B question and leaving him.

I'm sorry but no one is answering my question.

What will I need to see from him in order to come out of plan B once I enter plan B? He has agreed to all my requirements.

Here is what will happen. I go into plan B get IM and give him a letter with my requirements to resume the marriage.

10 mins later he will inform IM he agrees to all the requirements.

He is not disagreeing with ANY requirements but is sometimes playing chicken with not understanding them. How can I know when he is serious weather in plan B or not?? This is why I am resisting plan B. there is no way to tell when he is on board or not until something like this incident happens.

I might as well go straight to plan D.

I will go into plan D if he brakes any more EP's or has another A of any kind.

He hasn't got much to loose financially or possessions wise but he will loose me if he fails to protect me.

ML day dated about 2-3 times a week. Some coffee dates, a lunch out and on occasions we go see a local beauty spot or attraction.

My suggestion would be to spend your BEST times, ie: evening dates, with each other. You so rarely get to go out alone that I would sure not squander that time with other friends. If you want to be those friends, invite them over in your kid time, not your UA time.

Ok ML I am happy to address this.

I believed our best time was the day because we have more energy and freedom to explore more places to go and things to do.

I am used to having the evenings just to relax as H works so didnt see them as opportune times to go out together but will change that mindset.

Thanks

What he needs to be saying is: I will defend my BW and my boundaries (follow EPs) EVEN IF it is uncomfortable or hard for me to do.

Until he is saying that, he is a danger to your M.

But wouldn't you agree that going out in the evenings is the time when you feel most romantic and excited about going out? I know I sure feel better when I get all dolled up and we go out on a night on the town than I do going out for lunch at Burger King.

Honestly ML by the time im done with the workload I have to do during the day with the kids/ marriage/ new business and housework I'm shattered. But saying that I do enjoy getting dolled up and going out with H so I'll do that more often and see how it goes.

When people date, they don't restrict their dates to coffees and lunch dates, they get dressed up and go out in the evenings. That is how people fall in love. And when you fall in love, you have more energy. I am in love with my husband, have a full time job and I have plenty of energy to go out in the evenings. When I DON'T have energy is late at night.

Good point

is it normal to feel suffocated by too much time together? I have gotten so used to having my own time it's weird readjusting.

As much as I like you your now just being mean...

Me? Please do not interpret as "mean" what was intended as "brutally direct".

Okay, this is the second time you have responded basically saying "I have no idea what sanctions I can put in place for the expected violations of EPs that WH will commit."

Given that he has shown NO rigor on his own, and you have no resource to supply external controls, why don't you tell US what you think will work?

Start with what matters to him. Real holdings? No! Other major assets? No! You won't even consider banning alcohol....because you don't think that's the problem! (In all candor, friend, your assessment of where the problems lie, and how to attack them have not been valuable so far.)

He hasn't shown the ability to manage his own life to keep your marriage safe.
You can't (won't) get rigorous ("mean") enough to do it for him.
You have no plan. You won't accept the suggestions from us here.
The best projection for your future together is........(fill in the rest yourself)

Do you feel suffocated in a romantic, passionate relationship?

Arghhh this is so hard and I will be editing this out before he could read it.

NG what didn't I listen to???

I made it clear what he wants the most is me and he will be loosing me if one more EP gets broken, no ifs buts or debate.

WE HAVE NO ASSETS so there is nothing he cares about and I can take away other than me.

I think MB is the only thing that will work for me, if he gets it and gets on board then we can work if not then he's on his own. I don't think or know of any other way nor have I ever suggested any other way.

He himself approached me this afternoon and stated he is banning alcohol when we are out. I said ok. I am here I see what we do and what we don't. He drinks once every couple of months and this would be one can of beer maybe. I drink twice a year during special outings. I DON'T see alcohol as the problem and I don't like people enabling him by blaming anything other than his bad conduct for his behaviour. He makes enough excuses on his own he does not need us to make more for him. It's not his friends, it's not the drink, IT'S HIM.

I am mean
I do accept all the comments
And I follow the MB plan. UA time, meeting needs EPs p, POJA etc. this is the PLAN does not mean its flawless as I'm learning I made a major mistake by not planning a consequence to broken EP's something I have put my hands up and admitted to have failed at from the get go.

Tell me in laymans terms NG what can I do now? He's working on tightening the EP,s and will share them with me tomorrow so we can discuss them. Any more broken EP's and im out of here. What else do you want me to do??

Would a woman have come sat on his lap if it had been you two and another couple (or two)? Do you really think that a married pal, there with his wife, would have drawn some ho to the table? It would not have happened.

I agree that his boundaries need shoring up, but you are overly dismissing the environment (single friends) that makes these things possible. You guys are very young and have a large family worth saving; keeping single friends around keeps a single mindset around, and your H acted like he was single, and so did you, slinking off rather than defending your territory.

He should have behaved differently in this situation, but he also never should have placed himself in the situation to begin with, with barflies buzzing around. That is on his friends. Have them at your home, do activities with them if you must, but do not take your H out with them while they are trawling!

Tell me in laymans terms NG what can I do now?...What else do you want me to do??

Okay, we have the opportunity to make this a no-lose exercise. You don't know me, nor I you. You cannot hurt my feelings, or risk alienating me.

For the next 24 hours, I will be your WH. I am the one with poor (non-existent?) boundaries around women. I am the one with the three EAs, the one known PA, and the "If You Don't Have A Seat, Use My Lap!" persona.

Now, take a day, and tell ME everything you can imagine you will want me to do in every conceivable situation, regardless of how extreme, or unlikely. ("If she's cute and/or under 30, do not hold the door for her.")

Then work up the list of things you will demand as penalties for failures. They need not all be draconian. Some of them can be whimsical, to lighten the mood. ("Helping that flirt Mrs Jones with her packages will result in you giving me one hour of massage.")

But what you've given us so far is "I can't think of anything else to insist on," and "I have no ability to enforce my displeasure."

That combination has not worked to date, and is unlikely to succeed in the future. Shall you give this a try?

I am not dismissive I am just angry and resentful about it, we are relatively young 30 and 32 and most of our long time friends are yet to marry. The ones who are married are busy having babies while because we had ours early they are getting more independent so we have more free time to socialise. To arrange a night out with other married people is a logistical nightmare we invited a dozen to this outing and most pulled out due to childcare issues.

The list of people who were out with us of Saturday were

1 other married couple (two kids with grandparents)

1 engaged couple ( childless)

2 married male friends without their spouses as they were home looking after the babies and the wives had gone on a girls night out the previous week so it was the Husbands thurn this week. I did not go out with the girls as I don't go out drinking without H, I'm not condoning their arrangement but it's their marriage not mine.

2 single male friends that have known my h since school and have never had a girlfriend never mind a wife ( they are quite introverted and shy). These were the guys who first got engaged in conversation with the stranger girls. They are good honest moral lads but were drunk enough to be confident to approach a girl for a change much to the amusement to the rest of the group as this almost never happens.

1 single male friend acquaintance of the two single men mentioned above, I don't know what his relationship status is as I didn't speack to him and didn't know him.

1 single lady who is a cousin to one of the single men, a pleasant girl who works as a nanny.

So you see we weren't out with party monsters or alcoholics, all decent folk out to celebrate H birthday.

ALL present were horrified by my H actions with no exceptions.

We were pub crawling we went to a total of about 7 or 8 pubs so it wasn't one dirty establishment. It actually was the quietest one where this incident happened.

I get that we need to go out alone, Don't socialise out of the home with single friends and no alcohol outside the home. I get that I got to now do this but does not mean I like what I'm having to do because my H can't sort his boundaries out appropriately.