Hi everyone, I really need some advice, this will be a long one though! About 3 months ago, during an arguement, I was honest with my feelings ad told my husband I wasn't happy and that maybe we should look at counselling and perhaps a trial separation. We have 2 children together, been together for 10 years, married for 8. I was 20 yrs old when we got together and he was my very first boyfriend, only person I've ever been with. Over the years I've held a lot of resentment towards him as I feel like he treats me like a child, making me justify everythig I do, everything I want to do and I feel as though I have to ask permission before I do anything. Then he often spins things around to make me for guilty. So sometimes when I'm planning something, I'll wait until I have all the facts etc, so that when I ask if I can do it, I have all the answers for the questions I know he'll ask. But he accuses me of being sneaky but I just like to covers all my bases.

When we had our first child, I felt like a single parent. I did everything on my own. A little while before we had our second child we went through a rocky patch and I felt like ending our relationship. I don't think I was ever confident enough that I could survive on my own and didn't want the 'single mother' tag. Things settled down and we decided to have another child. In my mind I hoped this would bring us closer again and I really wanted our son to have a sibling as well. We had a daughter and were so happy with 2 healthy beautiful children. But from when my daughter was about 6 months old (so about a year ago) so many of those old feelings of not being happy resurfaced. I have been a stay at mum since we have our first child and don't do much on own. I have one hobby that I get to do during the week for 'me' time but that's it. Gradually these feelings of being unhappy got stronger and stronger and I was becoming so uhappy in my marriage. I really think so many of those feelings of being controlled and not feeling like an equal in this relationship as broken me down so much. It's only since I really spoke up about my true feelings about wanting out of this marriage did I suddenly feel a sense of relief and felt like all of a sudden I wasn't being controlled, but this is rather my husband has no choice but not speak up just to keep the peace.

We've had a rough 3 months since all of this has come about. My husband was first opposed to counselling and after a couple cancelled sessions, finally agree we had to do it. Not much has been achieved and it's a whole lot of talking about feeling but so far nothing about what we should be doing to recitfy things. I'll be completely honest, I'm not sure I even want to. I'm not in love with him, I don't enjoy intimate times anymore and although he is a good dad and good person, I often wonder if I even like him anymore. Being intimate is hard because I feel such negative feelings towards him it's the last thing I want to do. I feel there could be better out there for us both and I don't just mean other people but a happier overall life. He accuses me of not wanting to try and work things out and I admit sometimes I don't want to. I hate that this is causing him so much pain because he was completely happy with our life but I just am not. He constantly makes me feel guilty for the way I feel, and that after so long together I shouldn't even think twice about wanting to make things work but I don't want to be 40 or 50 years old and regret my decision to stay just because it's 'what we should do' and 'divorce is wrong' etc etc. I care for him deeply, we've been together for 10 yrs and have 2 children, he is a good person but I feel he hasn't been the best husband. I really don't know what to do. There is no one else involved in this although not long before I came out with my feelings there was talk about my husbands behaviour with his female co-workers and his flirty behaviour. While this really rattled me, I do not believe there was anything going on but it wasn't nice to hear those things being said about my husband.

Can anyone offer some advice? I'm sorry for such a long post but wanted to get my feelings out there. Thanks.

Punky, welcome to MB! Better days are ahead, hon, whether you are able to recover you marriage or not. But it looks like there is a lot of reason to hope. Have you read through the Basic Concepts yet? What did you see that clicked with you, something that looked good to try? When I got here, I was also in the habit of a sing if I could do things all the time, and like you, I didn't feel like I was in a marriage of equals, a horrible feeling and I would just wake up upset not sure why.

So it was great for me to read about Policy of Joint Agreement. It talks about instead of asking permission, living like two equals. I changed it to something like, "I'm thinking about [whatever], what do you think about that?" Not asking for direction, but just chatting like friends again, what a breath of fresh air!

Have you taken a peek at the Recreational Activity list? What are some things you guys would have fun doing together again?

Best wishes, you can do this!

On feeling like you have to ask permission, lining things up before approaching him...in my marriage, my H would arrange what he wanted to do and tell me his plans at the last minute. If I objected to it, too late! He'd already made up his mind and had everything lined up, and did feel controlled when I objected strongly. So I suggest you involve him in the process much earlier. When people do this whole in-secret planning, it does feel sneaky to the other spouse. We are genuinely interested in your desires, and to have you "manage" things feels manipulative. Then we are not so keen to help you get what you want, since you manipulated us and did all this sly planning without considering how you affected us.

Skip the traditional counselors and work the MB plan. Start with the basic concepts, come back with questions on how to work it. UA is cruicial, plan out 20 hours a week alone together meeting the needs of recreational companionship, affection, conversation, and sexual fulfillment.

[quote]I feel there could be better out there for us both and I don't just mean other people but a happier overall life. [\quote]

You are correct that you could have a happier life and that you deserve a happier life.

However, wouldn't the ideal case to have that happier life with your current husband and father of your children?

That is what Marriage Builders is all about.

Something we notice right away from your post:

Independent Behavior. This is a Love Buster. You seem to be planning things without his input/agreement. Also when you said "you did everything" with the first baby. Now we don't know if that is because he refused to do anything or you just took over without even meaning to, but nevertheless, you two seem to be living independent lives. Maybe he makes you justify because he is controlling, or maybe he does it because he doesn't feel tied into what is going on.

So maybe instead of saying "I want to go on vacation to Aruba from this day to that day on American Airlines Flight 102 staying at the Aruba Hilton", you might say "I was thinking Aruba might be nice for vacation this year, should I look into it?" and then come back and say " American Airlines Flight 102 would be a good price and convenint staying at the Aruba Hilton seems to provide the best value." Then you see if he agrees on that. In both ways you are providing the same information but in one you are ambushing him and the other you are getting is agreement that this is a good thing.

And it is only natural that you dont' want to be intimate when he not meeting your emotional needs...but then you may not be meeting his either!

Since you are here, you get to be the one to turn things around. Not fair! But truly, the downside in trying to improve your marriage and failing is much less than the upside to having a successful marriage.

So like others have said, read all the Basic Concepts here on the site. Learn about Emotional Needs. The most important ones are recreational companionship, affection, conversation, and sexual fulfillment. Start trying to meet those needs. Hold off on sexual fulfillment at first if you need to.

Also think about having a positive attitude...so if he takes out the garbage, then instead of "It's about time", say "Thanks!"
or "you play with the baby, you never spend any time with them" you say "I love the different way the baby plays with Dad than mom! "

Figure out some recreational activities that you know he likes that you like too. Look at the Recreational List for ideas. Find ways to get friends/neighbor/relations to watch the kids while you spend time with hubby. Trade babysiting if you don't have lots of money.

Start building those up so you are spending 15 hours a week uniterrupted together.

Don't think "It'll never work...he won't change."
Most likely it will, and if it doesn't you have done the things that have the most chance of success in repairing your marriage and you will have know you did all you could.
What do you have to lose?

Welcome to MB... sorry you are here. But MB is the BEST and CAN turn your situation around! Its not easy and it will take some work but you CAN do it!

There is a questionairs section at the top of the page in the navigation. I would suggest printing them off x2 and filling them out and asking him to fill out his Emotional needs questionair. YOu guys BOTH may be trying to fullfil needs but are missing the mark due to a variety of circumstances or assumptions. I would also suggest printing off the last section of the "BASIC CONCEPTS" called A summary of Dr. harleys principals to give your hubby a fast run down .. or introduce MB to him in a way that HE can see how it will benefit HIM. YOu know him best .. so search for the way to get him on board!

ALso the books "His Needs Her Needs" and "His needs Her need for parents" as well as "love busters" and "5 steps to romantic love" might be beneficial to you as they provide Tons of real life situations and examples and make it much easier to comprehend and relate to the program than the material on the site(dont get me wrong the material here is great but the books are far better).

Read all you can, stop love busting each other, spend 15hours a week together doing FUN things and meeting emotional needs (once you figure them out)...... and ask questions and vent here during the process.

MNG