Maybe I need to keep that to myself.

Think about it this way. If your WW is serious, she will invite you to snoop on her. This is one way for her to EARN your trust. It is win/win for both of you.

Well, it looks like things might be finally finally moving in the right direction. After 14 months of HELL, we seem to be in full recovery mode now. She has agreed to all of my conditions (see below-sorry to plagiarize this list but it was spot on to my situation and hit the target) and will be moving back in right away.

I hope others that read my story will find some HOPE. My only regret is that I didn't ask for help on this site earlier. Dr. H's plan DOES WORK and if you follow it, with the right attitude by my WW of course, things can get better.

Here were my conditions which she agreed to:

A) I will protect my spouse and their feelings above all else.
B) I will not participate in any one-on-one meetings with anyone of the opposite sex.
C) I will not discuss my personal marriage issues with anyone of the opposite sex.
D) I will not attend clubs, strip joints, or any such establishment
E) I agree to use Policy of Joint Agreement as a basis for all decisions.
F) I will be open and honest with my spouse at all times about the past and present.
G) I will provide my spouse a daily schedule of all appointments and contact information.
H) If I need to make an adjustment to my schedule, I will notify my spouse of the change immediately.
I) I will make my spouse�s phone calls my highest priority by answering them or returning them immediately.
J) I will avoid all social media outlets.
K) I will trade phones with my spouse at any time they request, NO questions asked.
L) I will leave my phone accessible to my spouse at night/or anytime I�m home.
M) I will commit to at least 15 hours of undivided attention with my spouse to meet each other�s Emotional Needs every week.
N) If AP finds a way to make contact, I will immediately end the contact and notify my spouse about it immediately after.
O) I will install a keylogger, GPS, or any other tracking system my spouse may request.
P) Anytime I have the thought, �I don�t want my spouse to know about��.�, I will call my spouse immediately and tell them my thoughts.
Q) Children do not speak to any men when I am not around.
R) Be accountable for my time 100% of the time.
S) I will not spend any nights away from my spouse


Enthusiastic agreement was the only way I could possibly invite her back in the house and commit to our future.

To anyone who reads this thread, LISTEN to the people on this site, LISTEN to what Dr. H recommends and more importantly FOLLOW THE PLAN without 1 ounce of variance.

Although I don�t know what the future holds for us, we are on the right path to creating a stronger marriage. My belief is that IF we both JUST DO OUR PART, this will have a great chance of succeeding.

Looking back, there we dark days. Very dark days that I thought I would never find a sense of security ever again. Emotions which I have never experienced that brought me to my knees. I am stronger now than I have ever been and have an inner peace that however this turns out long-term, I am a better person and I will be happy!

If anyone has any additional advice as to what I need to be aware of and focus on to prevent another false recovery, please let me know!!

Was the OMW ever exposed?

Does WW and OM still work together?

Great job, 20yearhistory!

20 Year,
Your wife sounds like I was. The fact that she wrote a NC letter is HUGE. That is what "did it" for me. I was able to break from POSOM after writing that. It wasn't quick or easy (as I looked at his FB page and found out he had a girlfriend and it sent me into a tizzy), but it can be done.

Your wife is making a great effort. She has realized her mistakes.

The fact that she continues NC while living apart from you is a good thing. That means she has made the decision to recover with you "on her own". You have not forced her into recovery.

However, just as Melody Lane said, you cannot repair if you're not under the same roof.

The one thing my husband did that helped me keep NC was to tell me that if I ever even look at his FB page again that we're over. I know he means this.

Make it quite clear to her that you intend to follow through on your conditions.

GET HER BACK HOME!!!!

The OM is single. They did not ever work together. He lives in another city 70 miles away. However, all communications were done via WW's work email and FB (and a secret pay-as-you-go cell phone which was returned to OM) I have complete access to her email account to cut that off and her FB account has been deleted.

I hope I am not missing anything!

Thank you for your encouragement! As you said, this was HER Decision to do it on her own. Actually, this is an important aspect for me. Never did I want her to do something she didn't want to do. It had to come from HER heart.

I am also starting to recover some level of respect for her. Her words and actions are affecting me deeply. Now, if we can just keep down the road of �straight and narrow� we can come out of this dark tunnel. I do love her deeply. The kind, wonderful, loving, trustworthy woman I married 14 years ago is starting to emerge. Let�s just pray it is sustainable long-term.

20yearhistory, setting up extraordinary precautions is the FIRST STEP in recovery. If you don't do the next steps, you will end up right back where you were. You are now in a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage. And it was the pre-affair marriage that led to the affair. So what you have to create is a romantic marriage that is much better than what you had before. If you don't do that, then she will likely have another affair and/or you will never replace the resentment you feel now. If you create a GREAT MARRIAGE, your resentment will fade and she will be unlikely to have another affair.

So, now the hard work of recovery begins. You can do this on your own by using the books Surviving an Affair, Lovebusters and the workbook OR you can sign up for the MB program online. It runs about $1000 and goes for a year. They assign you a coach and walk you through all the lessons. You have daily access to Dr Harley. Some of the best recoveries on this forum went through the program. [mine included] Another way is to get phone coaching with one of the Harley kids, Steve Harley or his sister, Dr Chalmers. They are very good and they charge $200 a session.

If you decide to do it on your own, you have the MB radio show to use as a free resource. It is an outstanding resource and you can write Dr Harley for free if you have any questions/problems.

Melody, one of the hardest things for me has been March 11 � December 11. She had promised me that she ended the A in March and since then, we had been working very hard on our marriage. We both were reading Surviving an Affair and also Fall in Love, Stay in Love. That is why it was so shocking to learn that communications had still occurred through December (email only).
We believe that we have identified those elements in our marriage that made her vulnerable and also my shortcomings through the years. The EN questionnaires pinpointed both of our shortcomings in each other�s eyes. What is SO gut wrenching is that while we were working on our recover (or so it seemed) they were continuing to have spotty contact. That is why is way so devastating to learn that contact was not ended.
I truly thought we were well on our way. I was so proud of her that she ended it the way she did. Unfortunately, that was not the case. In some ways, this is much more difficult for me to deal with.
As we look at our current state, we both believe that our marriage problems have been identified and resolved. I know what she needs from me, and she knows what is most important to me. We are committed to this process. At least I know I am.

Who returned the phone?

From the point of a BH I would of introduced that phone to my very good friend Mr Ballpeen Hammer. Then tossed it into the garbage. No way would I of paid postage or let my WW spend family money on postage.

If OM complained about not getting his phone back I would of said: what phone, you mean there was a secret phone, that was a good I don't what phone your talking about. Then hang up after telling OM any more breaks in NC you were getting an RO.

Well here is an update and I need some help!

WW moved back in this weekend. EP are in place and she is being completely transparent. She is doing her part meeting my EN's, I am meeting hers. She is really focusing on the present and the future and trying to let go of the past.

I really think we are on the right track and all the components are there for a long-term happy marriage. Of course I am not taking her word for anything and am watching her every move including cell phone, email etc. The energy between us right now is really postive.

Here is my problem. I feel I am holding up our progress, having trouble letting go of the past. I read a lot of their email exchanges and it has burned a hole in my head and my heart. Lots of triggers. Everywhere I turn.

I want this to work. We are following the MB principles closely. Our 2 young children are thrilled that she is back in the house.

I am having trouble purging these email words out of my mind. I don't know how to really focus on the NOW and let the past go. I know that this must happen for this to work.

How do I let the past go? She has answered all of my questions. We have found the root problems in our marriage and they are now fixed (hopefully for ever). We have agreed that if we BOTH just do our part, we can make it.

The problem is, I don't feel like I am doing my part by letting the past go. I don't think I really know how to. Is it just a matter of letting time heal?

I don't want to hold us back! I want to propel us.

Time and security in the relationship is what it will take, you have to believe in the faith that it will all work if you both give it your best effort and put together a great plan with the help of MB and you should be happier than you have ever been....
some people are better than others at doing what you say is needed, Neverguessed seems to put things in very good perspective without wasting valueable time, to me it's a gift, I constantly have to give myself the talking to and I have learned to think before I speak and to constantly look at the bigger picture.......
I wish it was easier, I will be interested in the answers you get as well..........you focus so much on getting the waywards back you forget about your own emotions and the right to feel the fears.........
Your spouse is just as scared, honesty and communication and a great plan is crucial.....
good luck and I am very happy to hear you are again living under the same roof.....

20Y. Just letting the past go is not a good plan. Your feelings are normal and justified. They will not go away overnight just because WW has moved home.

You are struggling right now because you still do not feel safe...and why should you. Your WW now needs to EARN back your love and vice versa.

Read this Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

It gives a good PLAN to help WW make you feel safe.

You also need to have at least 20 hrs per week of UA time to fall back in love. Once you start rebuilding the love and feeling safe again ... the bad memories will start to ease. It takes time... a lot of time.

Go easy on yourself. Click on the "surving infidelity" link to the right of this page. There are many good articles on restoring the M.

You got the Harley books so what are you doing to recover?

Are you verifying NC?

Has all avenues for contact between AP's been eliminated?

Time for memories triggering you do not take weeks but months to years.

So try to remove triggers. And when you do try to occupy you mind with other thoughts or activities.

Road, we have Surviving an Affair and Fall in Love, Stay in Love. We have read them both. The EN�s questionnaire has been most useful. Our goal is to take the EN questionnaire once a month indefinitely to continue to gage these things.

We are spending a lot of quality time together and the physical aspect of our relationship has never been this intense. (Hey, not complaining!).


Your question for all avenues for contact being cut off seems to be in place. However, anyone can open up an alternate email account and you would never know. My Hope is that the EP�s are being followed and will continue to be.

Until this experience, I haven�t really ever been had an obsessive personality. Pretty laid back actually. Boy has that all changed.


How do you ever REALLY know there is no contact? I f you see my list above, EP�s are in place and being followed. How can you ever REALLY cut off all contact if contact wants to be made? I do monitor her work email (which was how they communicated). We are building an integrated lifestyle.
In some ways, I wish I would have never read their email correspondence. Those words haunt me.

That's why you use a VAR in the home and WW car. Use a key logger on the computer.

20Y. As your WW comes out of the fog, these words and emails will begin to haunt HER more than you. You will know it when you see it and it will also help in making you feel a bit safer... as you see her "warm and fuzzy" memories of her secret fantasy life crumble and reality kick in.

Don't focus on the meaningless things the waywards told each other. It was a fantasy life filled with lies and deceit all around.

Wanted to give a quick update and have a question.

WW (FWW?) moved back in 3 weeks ago and besides a few small speed bumps (mainly me dealing with resentment and anger) things have been going very well.

All EP's are being followed through on, we are spending 15hrs/wk UA, just finished reading SAA together and now are going to start reading Fall in Love, Stay in Love together.

All in all, things are good. I have been reading about accountability for those who utilize Dr. Harley's counseling program. At this time, we have decided to utilize all the MB principles on our own. I am curious as to any suggestions and thoughts in terms of accountability.

What do they exactly mean by accountability, how is it monitored and how does this work? Just looking for some clarifications.

One other issue. I have a problem with �all avenues for contact between AP�s been eliminated�. This is an issue with me and we are trying to use POJA to come to a mutual situation that works for both of us.

The majority of the A occurred using her work computer. She works for a judge and changing her email address is a challenge in this situation. We have discussed the exact process IF he would contact her via email or phone. It is also a trigger for me because I associate the affair everyday she goes to that office.

Although, his email addresses have been blocked, certainly an alternate email could be created and �get through�. Also, he could call her direct phone number at any time.

We are in agreement that if he would call, she would say �I told you to never contact me again. We will be starting the paperwork for a restraining order today� and then hang up. If an email would appear (I monitor her work email as well), she would not open it and notify me immediately.

However, my concern is that �all avenues for contact between AP�s� have NOT been eliminated. We have discussed her quitting her job as well.

Part of me thinks because romantic love for us has mainly been restored, we are strictly using MB�s that things will be fine. The other part of me wants to eliminate ANY POSSIBLE means of communication.