Why not ask SIL why she didn't support your M at the time?

Is this your wife's sister? May be that blood is thicker?

I told a BW of her WH's affair that he told my WH. She was very happy for the info.

Although they call each other �sisters� it is only by marriage. It is her bothers wife.

That is a good way to ask her. Why didn�t you support our marriage? I think that is exactly what I need to know.

I feel I need to know what kind of person she is. Her previous husband cheated on her 8 times so I know she is very aware of infidelity. Also, my BIL�s wife left him for another woman several years ago.

I can�t believe how much infidelity has penetrated my family. Just makes me sick.

20yr. Your WW was here asking how to handle the triggers ...Wendy's and Siverados...yet she failed to mention this really huge trigger concerning her job and the toxic ex friend who also works there. Here is what I posted to her and I specifically talked about the job because you had been posting about that:


I thought it was interesting that she ignored my post. What are her reasons for staying there when clearly it bothers you?

Good 20years.

Maybe you be the first in this family to start standing up for fidelity and you make them all aware.

Ask your Sil why she didn't support your M.

20yr, I would be asking that SIL why she didn't tell you. She will probably say something stupid like "it wasn't my place....blah, blah..." I don't think most people possess the linear logic to see through that flawed thinking and that is probably why she didn't tell you. She might be a good person who thought she was doing the right thing.

At the very least, you can express to her how betrayed you felt by her keeping this secret from you.

She told me that she would be willing to quit her job today if I wanted her to. (and she meant it which was encouraging). She stays because it is a career she has build for 15 years.

Because she is being so transparent, I am somewhat okay with her continuing there at this time. We can use her income. Also, there is a pending real possibility she will be moving positions with the judge she works for. He had an opportunity last month and it fell through.

I really don�t think her job is a trigger for her. It is for me. If I thought there was any funny business going on. 1st I would insist she quit at a minimum but most likely go straight to D.

Our boundaries are not negotiable. She knows this very clearly.

Agree 100%. When the time is right, I am going to have this discussion with her. Not right now though.



What I don�t understand is how a friend would ever say �I just want you to be happy and am willing to support your decision�. What has happened to our society where people think it is in their best interest to always follow their feelings?

There ARE right and wrongs. There are guiding moral principles in life. To me, a friend stands up and calls someone out for bad, immoral behavior. Isn�t that a true friend?

Hey, my feeling might say I want to quit my job and just lounge around all day because I don�t want to work. My head tells me differently.

SO many people are blown in the direction their �feelings� tell them to go. What happened to using your head and accountability for our actions?

Dr Harley nailed it �feelings follow actions�. Probably my favorite 3 words he has ever written.

I don't mean to be harsh but that is very noble of you 20years. I would love to see her just go out and find a new job on her own...because it is a trigger for you. Then you would not have to just suck it up.

Things like that used to start to eat away at me.

Hi 20year,

I noticed you posted this on another thread

Do you mind posting your experience on our False recovery threads so posters can learn? Thanks in advance.
False recovery need voices of experience

Pepperband, if you are out there I would like to get your take how after EP's have been established, transparancy is excellent and you are treading down the road 6 months or so into recovery.

You mentioned things get more difficult. Please elaborate.

I see that your wife has been posting on the forums. How are things going on your end?

Evil flourishes when good people do nothing. It truly is a shame. Keep those words also in your mind as you continue with your life. I can virtually guaranty you that you will make a substantial difference some day if you do: I did.

I don't have any experiences in life that compare to this to (fortunately) but based on reading of other's experiences on this forum; I guess we are doing pretty well in terms of R.

Some have said that a remorseful W is about as good as it gets.

I won't lie. It is extremely difficult at this stage, 6mo's into R. Now that our family is kind of 'back to normal' so to speak, the reality of the situation is really sinking in.

I struggle sometimes letting my guard down to really connect with her on an emotional level. She has been doing her part. Over the last week, she has come to the realization that she must drive this R. The FR we experienced has become more difficult to process and deal with than the original A itself.

Sometimes I just won�t allow myself to become emotionally vulnerable with her in fear that she could slip back to her former self. Although she reassures me that it will NEVER happen again, of course I still wonder.

Until I can let my walls down with her, I know we won�t ever reach that level of closeness we both want.
The EP�s and commitment to MB�s is what is allowing me to continue with the R.

Sometimes it is all I can do to just keep moving forward. I do however struggle with how to effectively meet her EN�s when I still have my guard up. This makes me feel guilty at times.

My wounds are still very deep. This is going to be a long road. I struggle with detachment and anger at times.

I am 13 months into R, and I can definitely relate.

In addition to a rigid following of MB principles, what has helped both my FWW and me immensely was finding good profession help. I had access to a psychiatrist who was treating my autistic son, and he put me on some anti-anxiety medication that helped a great deal. We found a therapist who supported MB principles and met with us every week. That personal contact was very helpful. It has been two months since we have needed to go to the therapist and just as much time since I have needed the anti-anxiety medication.

Dr. Harley talked on the radio program last week about how BS's can expect to feel from time to time like the A was just discovered and that they have gotten nowhere in recovery, but as time passes, these episodes last less and less time and become more and more infrequent. He said if you just hang on, the feeling passes and you are OK. He said this is normal for the first two years, and can happen even five years out. That is me right now. About once every two days or so I feel momentarily overwhelmed, and after an hour or two, it passes and I am OK.

So you need what I need, which is just time. The trauma of an A does real damage to your brain. It takes a long time to heal. Don't judge yourself for keeping your guard up. You should.

Living in a marriage that does not feel safe is a massive adjustment for me. My family and home was always my safe place to get away from the stresses in work and life.

Now, oddly enough, work is my safe place. It is secure, I know what to expect and can handle the day to day challenges my career brings me. Last December, I was honored with the Employee of The Year award which came as a shock and I was deeply moved as my direct manager was aware of my personal struggles at home. How I even kept my job after D-Day is sometimes a mystery to me.

I hope someday, my home will once again become my safe haven.

I was wondering what opinions might be to share or not share what happened with our 7yr old son and 5yr old daughter. They were never told what happened. When mommy moved out, we didn�t discuss much with them. I didn�t have MB at the time. I haven�t discussed this with FWW and am torn as to the potential benefit of telling them at this stage. They see mommy and daddy generally happy now.

Dr. Harley advocates telling little ones as young as 5 but my understanding is that it puts pressure on the WS to end their A and another layer of accountability.

I have a long thread in recovery that is wrought with my inability to take down the wall, let my guard down, allow my FWH to meet my EN's fully, etc. etc. I am the queen of resentment and not being able to let go of the past. I know all about where you are. My DDay was almost 2 yrs ago (although we were not constructively working toward R since then), and it hasn't been until the last couple of months that I have felt comfortable doing that.

For me it came with not just time, but seeing an eventual change in my H. It took him a long time to fully comprehend the hurt and damage he had caused by many of his actions. And even longer to understand that this would NEVER be able to be swept under the rug. He had to finally commit to driving the recovery bus, and that made the difference to me.

And, I told him I would give him until the end of the summer and if he didn't pull out all the stops, I was leaving. And I decided to put 110% between now and then to make sure that I had done everything I could do before I left. And somehow magically, it has turned everything around.

I just needed him to want this more than I did, and fight for me, I guess. But it sounds to me that you think your WW is? Do you feel like she is 100% committed to this, prioritizing this recovery, etc? Do you feel like she understands the depth of the pain she has caused you? These were my roadblocks. Until I could answer yes to these questions, I could not recover.

I have a 5, 9 and 11 year old. I have chosen to not tell them about affairs. The A's in our situation all happened prior to DDay, some by several years, there was no ongoing activity, so I felt it was unnecessary. But I know there are probably many MBers who would disagree with that statement.

That being said, if in discussion any of my kids ever asked me about affairs (like when they get older and understand relationships more), I will tell them the truth, of course.

Thank you for your thoughts. I really appreciate them.

The fallout of the FR has changed my mind set to basically question everything I perceive as reality in my life, not just in recovery.

So the questions you posed are the million dollar ones. You know?

Is she truly remorseful? When she says she understands the pain, does she really? When she says she is 100% committed to recovery, is she? When she says there has been NC, is that true? Has she lied to me even 1 time since we began our real recovery in January?

Her actions seem to say yes. I do not take anything at face value anymore. When something questionable occurs, it is questioned, validated and confirmed. Then I move on.

What I do know is that any breach of our EP's and she is out for good. No more chances. None. Done. Period. She knows this very clearly.

I will accept nothing short of Radical Honesty. The way I look at it is that she lied to me for nearly 2 years and she has now been seemingly honest for 6mo's. I would have to be a fool to trust her at this stage. Only many, many, many, MANY months of good, consistent behavior is going to prove anything to me.

She is making a great effort to meet my EN's. When the truth was revealed in January of the FR, her LB account with me went completely in the negative. All the love that remained after the A, vanished. I was completely out of love with her.

At this point, I can feel my love growing but I am not fully back in love with her yet. It just isn't there. I am trusting the good Dr that Feelings follow Actions.

The other reason Dr Harley advocates this is because children will draw their own conclusions, too many parents think their children are ignorant of what's happening (they aren't and really, we need to give our kids more credit than this).

Children by their very nature and mental capacity are inherently selfish - especially a 5 and 7 year old, they just don't have the mental capacity to understand judge the situation and realize they had no part of it.

This of course, varies by age.

A 17 year old might think "why are you guys doing this to ME"
A 7 year old might think... "why did *I* make you do this to our family"

At 7months into R, many things are swimming in my mind. So much has been lost but so much can be gained.


We both want the same thing. A long-lasting healthy, happy marriage. Things have settled down and FWW is doing everything within the MB program. I couldn�t ask for more from my W at this time. She asks me every day what she can do for me, monitors her LB balance closely and is meeting my EN�s.


We have 2 beautiful children. I want the best for them. We want to be an example to how a healthy marriage should be.
How do you come to terms with the loss of the sanctity of a M? Vows that were taken were broken.


Digesting the fact that certain things that were lost are gone forever is a very hard pill to swallow. Call me a sentimentalist if you will but I am a spiritual person with deep thoughts and emotions.


Sure she has committed to this M. Sure she says that she will never break our vows again. For this I am grateful. However, she has proven she has the capacity to change her mind and do unspeakable harm with full knowledge of the fallout.

Looking down the road; 1 year, 5 years, 15 years I pray she hold true to her current sentiments.

I refuse to live my life always looking over my shoulder, monitoring her every move and living in fear. EP�s and commitment to MB has been truly a blessing. It is putting us in the best possible position for success.

I have been asking myself �what can you live with long-term�. I just don�t know.

She changed her mind when she decided to have an A, she changed her mind to re-commit to the M.

With this history, what will keep her from changing her mind again?