I just found out a week ago that my wife has been seeing another guy who also went to church with us. They had been meeting at lakes down from where we live. Im ready to move on and work on forgiving her and getting back to "us". We both have failed in our marriage , hers being a little more extreme... But how to i stop thinking of the graphic images of those two together in his car! Its driving me crazy!

I would be a little slower to pass out cheap forgiveness becasue that is not going to help your marriage. A better way is for her to EARN forgiveness. That will help her and will serve to restore your marriage. But an affair is not something that can just be swept under the rug. If you don't make a dramatic change in your marriage you are looking at more affairs in your future. For example, it is clear your wife has very poor boundaries around men. What has been done to change that?

Has she ended all contact with the OM? Have you quit that church? Has the pastor been informed of the affair? Is the OM married? If so, have you told his wife? Has the affair been exposed to your families?

And affair is not something you just forget and sweep under the rug. It takes dramatic, radical changes in your marriage to recover from an affair.

Check this out: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

I understand about the "cheap" forgiveness part. These images are what's holding me back on the healing process. To answer you questions, we have quit the church, we have told our families, I did inform his girlfriend as he is not married. She has no contact. We both even changed out phone numbers, deleted Facebook, ect. We don't sweep it under a rug, we do talk about it, normally on a daily basis. It's just hard to fight getting revenge and hard to fight the graphic explicit images that go thru my mind of the two together..

It's only been a week. It takes years to recover from an affair so you are expecting way too much of yourself.

Are you following the plans here to build romantic love in your marriage? See that is the only way you will really recover.

Mark,

Please make sure the church leaders know that this affair happened. There seems to be a species of OM that thrives in the church environment and goes from victim to victim.

This is especially odious since church is a place were people trust the integrity of their fellow parishioners.

God Bless
Gamma

Mark, did you read the article about earning forgiveness? Forgiveness is a process that takes a very long time.

What changes has she made to ensure this doesn't happen again?

I'm in the middle of reading it as we speak....

Mark,

I'm in a similar situation...Mostly, it's just going to take time, and lot's of work on her part. If she is willing to commit to the MB principles and put EPs in place, that's a start.

I asked Steve Harley what I should do to help get over these images. He responded that, if she is holding up her end of the plan and putting the EPs in place, you can compartmentalize the images you have in your head. They still hurt, but you can know that it wasn't your WW doing those things while she was sober. She did those things to me in a drunken, wayward state, and as long as she is putting protections to never be in that state again, I'll know that we can move forward.

I'm not there myself, I just wanted to pass on some info that Steve gave me.

Hello Mark,

These images will disappear but it takes very long time. Recovery after an affair takes 2-5 years depending on the number of the affairs, whether there was false recoveries, how the affair did end etc.

Your situation (affair is exposed, you have found MB) seems rather optimistic. But it still takes YEARS. Be gentle to yourself. The fact that those images are haunting you is not because you are a weak person or something but because the impact was huge. An affair is comparable to the death of a child, think about it.

I really hope your wife understands the magnitude of this and does not expect anything after a WEEK (!!!) from d-day.

Are you still living in the same area as OM? If yes, consider relocating.

I'm really sorry you have to be here but this place is the best to be in your circumstances.

I've found removing as many triggers as possible helps, but sadly it is just time that helps the most. It was torture for me, but it passed. Occasionally, I get a little "flash" of one now here or there, but they are very few and far between, and they don't pack the gut-wrenching emotional punch they once did.

Read about forgiveness, removed as many triggers as possible. I guess what it boils down to is I just want to get back to the "us" and "best friend" stage and tend to suppress what has happened at times. It's going to take time. I just hope I have the strength. I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy!

Do you have SAA?

The piece on overcoming resentment and anger is oustanding.

Basically, Dr Harley suggests (in summary) to put your resentment and anger on a shelf for now. He says to live in the NOW and Future, focus on the 4 rules of recovery (which he outlines), spend 15-20hrs/wk UA and become an expert at meeting each others EN's. He says in his experience with thousands of couples, when they followthis, nearly every time resentment, anger (and images) eventually fade away on their own, with time.


I put this into practice 3 weeks ago and can't tell you how helpful this advice has been for me at least. Images are starting to fade, triggers are easing up and I just feel less consumed with the thoughts!

I always thought I had to hit these things head on. You know, DEAL with them like a man. I was wrong. I was dealing with the wrong things!


Now, when I do trigger or get angry, the duration is less and less.


Maybe this can help you too.

WE all understand how you feel, Mark! Most marriages do not ever recover from affairs because they have no plan. Having no plan is a plan to fail. If you will work hard on recovering your marriage, you can have a much better marriage than you had before AND you will wipe out those bad images in your head. But that gaping wound has to be replaced with something GOOD or you will be left with a great deal of resentment.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? If not, I would get that book asap and follow the plan in there. Another great resource is the MB radio show that runs every weekday. You can listen to the rebroadcasts. There is a great show they are running all weekend about a couple who recovered their marriage using these principles.

Mark,

Melody wrote, Most marriages do not ever recover from affairs because they have no plan.

Listen to what Melody said because it describes a great many post affair marriages, and you don't want that fate for your marriage.

I would add that it also describes my marriage after my W's affair, I just chose to ignore, and it went on for 20+ years that way until I stumbled upon MB.

God Bless
Gamma