Can you find her phone #? Did you also check facebook to see if she is on there? I wouild try and call her tonight if you can.

It sounds like you have a wonderful FIL!! Good job!

MelodyLane: I'm going to check fb tonight and see if she is on there.

Yes, I love my FIL... He is a wonderful man!

WH finished his Emotional Needs questionnaire tonight and is now reading Not Just Friends. I didn't even bring up the book tonight.

Regarding the disclosure that happened last night. His dad is going to be calling him soon to let him know that we spoke. How do I react if he is mad or asks me why I told his parents?

I also contacted a place that performs polygraphs this morning. The cost is $400.00 and they said it's better to ask one question, because the results greatly improved and narrowed down more. So, she said that asking if there were any sexual relations between WH and OW is probably going to be the best question to ask if this is the most important thing that I am wanting to know. I just wish I could ask more questions. Maybe I'll use my own questions and make him believe that there will be multiple questions.
The only appt's they have available are next week (evenings) or next Saturday. We have an appt. with our MC on Thursday this week. Should I bring it up again to our MC to let her know that this is very important to me? I was thinking that I would call her. I need to know that she will support me with my wishes and that this is what I need to possibly forgive him and begin moving forward with the rebuilding of our marriage.

How do I bring this up to WH and when is a good time, as we won't be able to even be seen until next week....?

$400 seems like a lot of money, but I was referred to a Dr. that trained someone with the police dept. and the Dr. referred me to this place. The Dr. said he is booked for the next two weeks and his fees are $500. Do you think there is another repubable place that I might be able to find that is less money or is this price pretty standard?

thats great!

look at this link for info on polys it will give you info on how they work


http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2473858#Post2473858

400 is about right.

That is one of the reasons you hand him a full list of questions 2 days beforehand.


Dont' bring it up to your MC again. She has told you she doesn't support a polygraph and she can only serve to sabotage your plans. Tell her afterwards if you want. But don't tell her before hand. I am really concerned that this MC. For example, why didn't SHE tell you to expose the affair if that is one of the first steps in recovery? It is clear to me she doesn't know what she is doing.


Bring it up 2 days before the scheduled polygraph.


The usual price is around $600, so this is a good price.

I have a feeling your husband is going to be mad because he is still very foggy. Let him know that you are willing to give to him an opportunity to earn your forgiveness for PUTTING YOU IN THAT POSITION IN THE FIRST PLACE. Tell him you are so sorry he put you in that position but you will not keep secrets from your families. Everyone should know about his affair.

And GET AHOLD OF THE OW's mother today before your husband finds out. You want to deal with one explosion, not several.

Have you told your own parents?

Ok, made the appt. for the polygraph next Tuesday evening.
We have appt. with MC tomorrow night, so I won't say anything to her then. I'm trying to get into see an IC before then and I will talk to the IC about the polygraph and hopefully I will feel more confident from the new therapist.

I haven't been able to contact the OW's Mom yet. Still working on that. As far as my family, my sister knows, my dad is passed and my sister and I have agreed that we cannot tell my mom. My mom can be very bitter, judgemental and she will hold a grudge for the rest of her life. I can assure you that this will not be a good idea. My mom is going through a lot of her own right now and I just can't talk to her about it right now. She is aware that we are in MC for communication issues, but that is it. I was married before and my mom became involved and it was a disaster! I just can't do that right now. I will literally be driving myself to the looney bin if I have to deal with my mom and this situation too.

I'm planning on telling WH about the scheduled polygraph on Sunday (2 days before the test). I'm working on my questions now, but I'm just hoping that I can be strong when I present that I have scheduled an appt. I don't want to give in this time. It's only fair that I know the TRUTH once and for all.

I edited my original post due to the length. Trying to make it even shorter.

perfect! you had a pretty good list working yesterday (this is the list for your H) why dont you repost those. the polygrapher will help you with the test questions.

it was hard for me to present i think in my gut i knew i was going to hear more, but i also knew that i would never have been ok if i didnt go thru with it.

dont give in, this is for your healing!

Starfish, an IC knows even less about marriages than a marriage counselor. An IC is not even remotely qualified to help you with your marriage. I view a visit to an IC as a huge distraction at a time when all of your focus should be on saving your marriage.

Please focus on your marriage for now! If you need advice that you feel you are not getting here, then try emailing Dr Harley at the radio station. He will read and answer your email on his show.

Some of the questions that I have for WH to answer before polygraph:
(I received some great suggestions from others and also have some of my own)...

Did you have sex with OW on our boat?

Did you kiss or have any other sexual relations with OW on our boat?

Did you have sex with OW during your lunches?

Did you kiss or have any other sexual relations with OW during your lunches?

Did you meet OW on any occasion other than the two lunches and one boat day?

Since D-Day, have you been in contact with OW by email, text, phone?

Have you had any sexual relations with OW at any point during our marriage?

Have you ever, at any time, in any place, during the entire course of your marital relationship, touched another woman's body in a manner that your wife would object to if she were to have caught you doing it?

Has your mouth ever sexually touched any part of another woman's body during your marriage?

Has your P ever touched any part of another woman's body during your marriage?

Has another woman's mouth ever sexually touched any part of your body during your marriage?

Has another woman's hand or body part ever touched any part of your body during our marriage?

Have you had any sexual interactions with any other woman in our marital home?

Have there been any "other women" besides OW before, during and or after d-day?

Besides the two lunches and one day on the boat that your wife already knows about, have there been any other in person meetings of any kind during the course of your marriage?

Have you answered all of your wife's questions with complete and truthful responses?

If your WH continues to bluster or flat out refuses the polygraph when you tell him Sunday, what will your response be? Are you willing to make this a firm boundary?

MelodyLane:
I am having MAJOR anxiety and had to go to see my doctor today who prescribed me AD and X. I need to talk with a professional in person to help me with the anxiety and anger that I have. I am focusing on my marriage and that is the ONLY thing that I'm focusing on. But, I also need to be ok with me. WH can't fix me...I'm trying to keep myself healthy, so I'm able to do what I can to get through the toughest battle of my life!

I wish I didn't have to go through any of this...
I wish I didn't need to be here...
I wish I didn't need to see my doctor...
I wish I didn't need to see psychologists, counselors, marriage counselors, etc.
I wish I didn't have to ask my husband to take a polygraph...
I wish my husband would have never wrecked my world...
I wish I could wake up from this nightmare...

Thank you for all of your support...all of you! I am very thankful! I'm taking your advice and listening, but I'm trying to do what I can to take care of myself too.

I have no idea what I will say if he refuses the polygraph again. If you all have any ideas, please let me know. I've been taking notes and I am paying attention and doing everything that I can. I'm human, I make mistakes, but I'm trying to do what I can. I'm exhausted and drained, but still fighting and doing what I can to fight for my marriage. I need to know that he is being 100% honest with me. I cannot get into the recovery mode too far and then have the wound ripped open again after discovering something else. I need to get through the field of landmines now...sooner than later. I want to walk through all of the $hit at once, so I can finally start to work towards recovery.

Sf, that is great that you got on anti-depressants! The things we are telling you to do now are the things that will alleviate your stress in the future by getting all the truth out now. There is nothing more stressful than wondering if your WS has been completely honest with you. It is like dying a death of a thousand cuts.

You are doing a great job!

So let's discuss what you will have if your husband refuses to take the polygraph? You will have a husband that you KNOW is lying. Are you willing to stay with him under those conditions? Because what you will essentially have is a WS who refuses to do what is necessary to help you heal. Under those conditions, Harley would recommend Plan B until he does become willing. Think on that...

well i think you have to answer that for yourself.

If he refuses are you going to be comfortable working toward recovering your M?

now if he says ok then come out with more crap before you go on tuesday, how will you react?

or if he takes in an fails what are you going to do?

these are all questions that will come up, i am sorry.

you have 5 day to regroup. please get some sleep, drink a ton of water and try to breathe.

i agree with you about getting it all out at once, listen the A's that my H had were bad, but what i went thru for months was also bad. the crazy thing is that i asked him to hit me with the bus 3xx.

I have thought about it and plan on telling him that it is a deal breaker if he doesn't follow through with the polygraph. I have had a major blindsided blow to my ego and going to ask him if he is willing to take a blow to his own in order to help me heal. For once in your life, be selfless and do what is right. I am giving you the opportunity to earn back some trust. I'll see how it goes from there. I'm not sure what to do if he throws a fit or contests it.

Star. It sounds like your WH wants to recover and commit to the marriage. It also sounds like he may be trying to do this without all the truth being revealed.

Don't be surprised if he fights the poly. Yes it will mean that he is lying...but it does not mean that you have to decide to Plan B on the spot. Tell him it is a deal breaker for you. Then give him time to read the questions and come clean. Give yourself time to figure out what actions you want to take.

You will feel less stress as you take more control of your life and give yourself time to think things through.

I am hoping that your WH will make the right decision.