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No, I didn't tell my MIL about the poly, but did mention it quickly to my FIL. I'm getting mixed reviews about it from the close friends that I have shared it with. Most understand my need to know the truth and wanting it to move forward, but there are others who tell me that the thought would scare the $hit out of them whether they had something to hide or not. I think the possibility of spending the rest of my life wondering what the truth really was...would scare the $hit out of ME. I don't think I could recover in that instance.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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No, the arguing didn't happen until we got home. We had MC, then went out to dinner and then came home. It's my fault, I asked him about why he felt the need to go to OW's dad's funeral and not my dad's funeral. I asked him after he turned out the lights to go to bed. I shouldn't have brought it up right then, but it was on my mind and I was hurt.
It's so hard, because we had been doing lots of things together and having fun and really bonding in the past few weeks. We bond and meet each other's emotional needs and then he thinks that everything is fine...we are moving forward and he doesn't want to go back to address the affair. He doesn't like the rollercoaster. How am I supposed to be nice, meet his needs and then not get any answers? I'm not getting the answers that I'm needing. I don't remember and I forget are not acceptable answers. The other thing I get is that I have already told you everything! He thinks that we need to move forward and leave that stuff in the past. He doesn't understand why we can't just move forward?
I get what you are saying about the things that I need to be doing, but I'm not sure what I need to be doing at this very moment. I just finished telling his parents (exposure) and getting ready to bring up the poly on Sunday, which I am still nervous about. We have plans tonight to meet his mom for dinner and I'm not sure if I am up for going or not. We did complete the EN questionairre, but haven't goine over our answers yet. I also have the book to go with it.
What am I doing wrong...? I just feel that I'm trying so many things at once and I'm getting angry. I want my marriage back, I want my bestfriend, the love of my live, the person that I thought was my soulmate.
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Last night was a rough night after MC. Something came up in MC that really upset me. He told me that he would have liked to have gone to OW's step-dad's funeral years back, but said he didn't because we got into a fight about it. starfish, this is what I am referring to. Bringing up the sins of the past is a surefire way to create conflict at a time when you need to be creating romantic love. This is how marriage counseling is harmful to marriages. I am curious about WHY she is counseling you together? What is the point of that if not to "hash out" old grievances and bring the unpleasantness of the past into the present? Because that is exactly what happened here. "As a clinical psychologist who has been in direct therapy with 50,000 individuals and supervised over 600 counselors, I have not found that resolving issues of the past does much to help people deal with issues of the present. In most cases I've witnessed, it makes matters worse because it drags the most unpleasant experiences of the past into the present. I know that my perspective is in conflict with many therapists who are trained to treat the past before they can treat the present, but I have yet to see any convincing evidence that this approach is more effective than letting the past stay in the past. My personal experience is that dredging up the past actually increases the risk of suicide and other dangerous symptoms of mental disorders. Another important reason that I am opposed to bringing up issues of the past is that it wastes time. When you could be forming an effective plan and putting the plan into motion to resolve an issue of the present, you spend months, and even years focused on the past while the problems of the present keep building up, eventually burying the client.
In your situation, I strongly recommend that you not waste your time talking about the past. And don't try analyzing your husband. I know that his affair was a terrible shock to your system, and you want to feel closure. You have been terribly disillusioned by what he did, but the best you can do under the circumstances is look to the future instead of the past. Don't discuss the past with your husband or anyone else for a while, and see if you don't agree with me that it helps improve your relationship and it also causes you to be more relaxed. Focusing on the past causes depression, while focusing on the future with an eye to making it successful causes optimism and gives you energy."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I get what you are saying about the things that I need to be doing, but I'm not sure what I need to be doing at this very moment. I just finished telling his parents (exposure) and getting ready to bring up the poly on Sunday, which I am still nervous about. We have plans tonight to meet his mom for dinner and I'm not sure if I am up for going or not. We did complete the EN questionairre, but haven't goine over our answers yet. I also have the book to go with it. The things you should be doing is focusing on exposing the affair [it really has not been exposed at all because he doesn't know - there is no benefit from a secret exposure] and gettting the full truth via a polygraph. This has to happen first before you can move forward. Once you have all the truth and the affair is exposed, you can start on next steps. What about exposure to the OW's mother? We have plans tonight to meet his mom for dinner and I'm not sure if I am up for going or not. Tonight would be a great time for you all to discuss the affair. Your H needs to hear from his parents and get their support. Keeping the affair a secret is harmful to you all.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I understand that it is my fault for dredging up the past... I only do it because I am hurt and want to know why things happened. I realize that it's not healthy to do, but I'm angry for all of this...
So far today, I came home for the rest of the day. WH is having lunch with a male friend from work and then said he would like to see if his boss will let him leave, so we can enjoy the rest of this beautiful day together... floating in the pool or something else.
Tonight, his mom is coming by our house and we are supposed to have dinner. Should I bring it up in front of both of them tonight that I exposed the affair to his parents?
No plans yet for Saturday, but I'm planning on bringing up the polygraph on Sunday as I have the poly scheduled for Tuesday.
I guess in the meantime, I will work on spending quality time with WH and try my best to have fun. It is just so hard to be close to him when I'm angry and hurting so much. I know that pushing him away isn't the way for me to get the answers that I am needing.
Regarding our MC, she does seem to be working with us on rebuilding and moving forward. She asked us to complete the EN (last page only) and return to her, which we did yesterday. Now, she is asking us to work on a list of boundaries. I think it is me who is holding us back with rebuilding. She told my WH that she does believe him when he says that he cannot remember certain things, but she also believes that he might be withholding other facts, even little facts that are related to the big picture, because he is afraid of hurting me and himself especially to admit them. She told him to think about it and thought it would be good for him to disclose anything that I might be needing to heal. She also said that taking a few steps back, even if it is painful, might be the best thing for us to truly start the process of moving forward into recovery.
I still haven't been able to locate OW's mom's contact info.
Last edited by starfish75; 03/16/12 10:46 AM.
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I would get it out into the open that his parents know all about the affair. Mention it tonight and tell your H you have told them about the affair. I am so disappointed that they haven't mentioned it to him themselves. Maybe a good, open discussion tonight will help.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok, I'll tell him later and then hopefully we can talk about it with his mom tonight. Is there a right or wrong way to discuss this? I don't want to do the wrong thing...
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I just found the OW's mom's phone #. What do I say to her?
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Regarding our MC, she does seem to be working with us on rebuilding and moving forward. She asked us to complete the EN (last page only) and return to her, which we did yesterday. Now, she is asking us to work on a list of boundaries. I think it is me who is holding us back with rebuilding. She told my WH that she does believe him when he says that he cannot remember certain things, but she also believes that he might be withholding other facts, even little facts that are related to the big picture, because he is afraid of hurting me and himself especially to admit them. She told him to think about it and thought it would be good for him to disclose anything that I might be needing to heal. She also said that taking a few steps back, even if it is painful, might be the best thing for us to truly start the process of moving forward into recovery. I would forget about using this MC for now. Shouldn't be talking about ENs and rebuilding or really even boundaries until you have gotten the full truth, starfish. Exposure and getting the full truth out is where all of your focus should be. Talking issues out with a foggy wayward is just going to frustrate and exhaust you.
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I just found the OW's mom's phone #. What do I say to her? Tell her who you are, who WH is and about the affair. Tell her that you and WH are working on the M and fighting for your family which includes X number of children and ask for her help in keeping OW away.
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So, in the meantime while I am waiting around for the truth, what should we be doing?
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Plan A which includes avoiding lovebusters and showing a willingness to meet ENs
No point in arguing about OW right now. He is in the fog.
I hope your MIL & FIL confront him. My sister's WH's whole family including siblings confronted/harassed him when they found out about the affair. She also required a poly. He came out of the fog and they have recovered nicely...
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It would be great if his parents confront him, you also tell him tonight that OW's mom has been exposed to and anyone else who is an exposure target (children, close friends, etc)
You don't want to trickle expose. You want to get it all over at once, if possible...
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You mentioned that we shouldn't be discussing EN's in MC, but then mentioned that I should be showing a willingness to meet EN's right now, so I'm sorry, but I'm a little confused. If you could please clarify what you are saying, so I can fully understand.
Just left a message for OWM to call me back.
I really hope WH's parents can talk to him first. I will try to contact them and let them know that I think it would be better for them to confront him, but if they decide not to, then I'll confront him later today that I did talk to his parents and that they now know the truth.
Last edited by starfish75; 03/16/12 12:03 PM.
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Plan A: Demonstrating a willingness to meet ENs = keeping the house nice, doing things that make yourself look/feel attractive (make up, clothing, etc) focusing on being a good mom, going out for a nice dinner etc.
Recovery: "talking" about ENs & LB (MB materials), rebuilding, boundaries, etc should all be kept on the back burner until you get through exposure + poly
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I just told WH that I told his parents the truth about what is going on. He was very calm and said, "Ok, I assume you told both of them?" I said, "Yes, both of them. I didn't feel it was right to keep secrets from them.". He said, "Ok."
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I just told WH that I told his parents the truth about what is going on. He was very calm and said, "Ok, I assume you told both of them?" I said, "Yes, both of them. I didn't feel it was right to keep secrets from them.". He said, "Ok." You did good!!  That is a good sign that he took it so well. Just keep pressing forward, you are doing great!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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So far, MIL has told her son that secrets will become the death of our marriage and it's so much more difficult not knowing. She said he agreed with her and said that walking away would be the easy way out, but he is willing and wants to do the work for our marriage. That's all she could tell me for now.. stil at dinner.
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So far, MIL has told her son that secrets will become the death of our marriage and it's so much more difficult not knowing. She said he agreed with her and said that walking away would be the easy way out, but he is willing and wants to do the work for our marriage. That's all she could tell me for now.. stil at dinner. That is pretty lame. We need her to express her disappointment in her son for his affair. If she doesn't bring it up in a serious way, then start talking about the affair. Just say "John, as you know I have told your parents about your affair with Skankyho because I felt they should know." Then just starting about how much it has hurt you. Right in front of them all. It sounds like this family is dysfunctional and not very open.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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