hi to all mine is a long story so will post it in parts

before i begin my heartfelt admirations to all those dedicating their time for saving numerous marriages this is my story we are both married for 8 years i never doubted his loyalty for past 6 years but since he went to another state for a fellowship prog he was showing subtle changes when he came back from his studies i found out from his phone calls that he was close to a subordinate there when i asked him he said he did like her but theirs was a sister brother relation after a lot of persuasion he agreed to stop relation so he went to see her again (in another state) but it apparently didnt stop now found some letters in which she addresses him as brother but says she cant live without him she needs to see him etc she cannot share him with anyone else etc etc recently he had apparently gone to see her while he told me he was going for a conference our relation was smooth till he went for this conference now its become bad again he avoids talking to me totally what is this relation can anyone explain and please help me
there are a lot more details will explain in the next post

athira. Affairs thrive on secrecy so the first step in killing one is to expose to people of influence in the waywards life. This brings it to light and makes the waywards face their actions. It helps to kill the fantasy (fog) of the affair because everyone is now watching.

Here is a link to read more about exposure:

exposure 101

Before exposing, I would slap a keylogger on the computer and spyware on his phone.

Don't allow WH to leave town again without you. I think this may be more than an EA if OW is saying that she cannot live without him. I'm sorry. Prepare yourself for this possibility.

I'M sorry you find yourself in this devastating position. MB can help you.

Do you have details on the OW such as whether she is married and where she lives?

What are your ages and do you have kids?

Please use shorter paragraphs. It will make your story much easier to read.

i have read this site have exposed this matter to his family and one of his close friends wife right now in plan A
these are the details am 33 he is 37 and we have 2 kids aged 7 and and 4 ow is 25 and she is unmarried from her letters i realised that she is emotionally distant from her family
soon after i discovered their relation he tried to persuade me to talk to her then he said i will realise how good human being she is
he said unless am able to prove that her intentions are wrong he will not stop talking to her
then i conceded and talked to her in front of him asked her how relation started she said she found him as a honest and nice man initially they called once in a while later it became frequent she asked me what she should do to prove their pure relation is said to stop talking to him although she tried to convince me against this i was persistent so she said she liked me and didnt want to disturb our relation so she will not call him again but i know she had called him the very next day
this continued and when his results came he said he will go to meet his professors to thank em and to tell ow that their relation was causing me pain so he wanted to stop this relation i believed it but when he came back i found hotel receipt with her name and number on it while he had told me he had stayed in study place hostel with his friend after this it is the last incident i mentioned when he said he was going for a conference while he had gone to the place where she stays but dont know what happened after that

BY THE WAY HE DOESNT ALLOW ME TO TOUCH HIS PHONE

after i exposed to his mom he is trying to converse with me but still maintaining the distance

athira, "he won't allow me to touch his phone" is a HUGE red flag. Can you get into it while he is asleep? In the shower?

yes i have checked his phone while he is on shower didnt get much coz he deletes em just found a few messages in her friends name one of em is like (only one thing remains with me always ;memories)

i mentioned that i dont have access to the phone except for a few sec while he is on shower hence am unable to install any spyware on his phone

can anybody tell me honestly whether there is a remote possibility that this is just a sister brother relation since i dont have any specific evidence
or is it definitely an affair

how can somebody call a lover a sister or brother ?
thats why am confused

Exactly, to confuse you.


I love my own brother dearly...but I would never say these words to him. That would be inappropriate and down right bizarre.

You would be naive to think she's "just a sister". It doesn't matter what they think they need to have no contact to keep your marriage safe. Expose to everyone, same day. Get her family/friends from Facebook, send a message to each one, one minute apart so you don't get shut down before you're done. He needs to agree to open honesty between the two of you, there is no "phone is off limits" in an honest marriage! He is having an affair, it doesn't matter if emotional or physical, it's a matter of time and it's both anyway. He's trying to keep you intimidated so you won't upset his cake eating world, don't let it work!

thanks a lot i just wanted to confirm my intuition
but how should i make him realise or accept that this is an affair and he is doing wrong to me? the only good thing is that he never wants to leave me but when he is maintaining this distance its very painful



he says since he doesnt or not interested in checking my phone or mails i should also give him his privacy but i have never told him not to check my phone or mails mine is open coz i dont have anything to hide from him


2 weeks back i saw ow name and adrress(workplace address) entered in autofill option of our laptop beneath it 2 days later i found his name and address entered
what is it used for can it be used for booking tickets or visa
he had told me he is going for another conference to a foreign place immediately when he came back from last conference
few days back i switched off the autofill option unknowingly
he probably realised i found out he has deleted it now can anyone help me on this
i am quite sure this is happening with knowledge of her friends since once i had gone to his study place that time i was not aware of this relation she had gone to her native place but her friends were quite cold in their behaviour he showed me a pen which was apparently given by her but he told me one of his admirer has given and didnot allow me to meet this admirer coz i got wild when i heard

he usually uses a ball pen the gift was an ink pen he had bought an ink bottle and was using this pen everyday he was using it even when he came back but i said it s painful that he is using an object with so much passion slowly he stopped using it

i dont have her family address or contact anyway will find soon and contact em
thanks alot for advice its very much useful

What is this "brother/sister" stuff, does he work for a church or something?

No, just because he says you should give him his privacy doesn't mean you should. BOTH of your phone records, passwords, etc. should be known by each other. You aren't giving him cause for concern, but he IS giving you reason to mistrust him! What he has developed is an emotional affair and it usually develops into a physical affair if continued. He should not have any items a girl gave him, not a pen or otherwise.

It is up to YOU to set your boundaries and convey them to him and up to YOU to ensure they're carried out! You can install a keylogger on your computer to track what he's writing. He should not be traveling without you either. Go with him! Tell him you want to spend some time with him.

athira. It is often said here that privacy is for when he is using the bathroom. It does not extend to the type of privacy that would allow him to have a secret second life.

yes you are right am in terrible pain now i do realise that this is definitely an affair and he is cheating on me for the past 2years ?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
its very very painful he never showed any signs though or did i miss em
i dont know what to do !!!!!!!!!!!!

he doesnt do any friendly conversations anymore
just only things which are required are talked
he is stranger to me now
i guess we are both in withdrawal
i want to cry but am not able to

right now he is busy doing insurance health and others where i am nominee he does keep talking to his relatives of his plans to start construction for our home currently we are in rented house

is he trying to divert others from knowing his affair or is it honest plans
are these signs that he wants me /like me and kids

am going crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!