We already did the STD screen, and she hasn't been out of my sight since the whole thing started as far as the paternity of my child is concerned, because I quit my job and she went to work which I monitored closely. There's only been two and I believe her, because I have proof and I'm not a "Gee, dear...kind of guy" even though I might have been coming off as one. Saying "parking their johnsons" and your wife's a "skank" is like rubbing salt into my wounds, so thanks for that...that really helps me a lot. I know there are good people on here to help me, but I don't think I'll continue to post if people attack my wife. She is a beautiful person who loves me with all of her heart-- She had a mental breakdown related to mental illness and her past childhood abuses. She was never taught boundaries at all because of her psycho controlling family, and was preyed upon by a skilled manipulater. It truly was a perfect storm. I'm not in denial, I've been analyzing everything to do with this for going on 10 months. I see you meant well, but don't post anymore hurtful things. I don't need to be "woken up" or shook from a denial that doesn't exist.

I already did. According to some reliable medical sites and books, everything that has happened to her in her past (traumas, abuse) put her as high risk for this to happen.

Maybe NG-s selection of words wasnt very cautious.

But for me, as an outside viewer, you are still in denial. You are desperately trying to defend you wife's cheating reasoning it with her childhood and with predatory OM and perfect storm etc.

You are not helping yout situation assisting your wife to avoid taking resposibility of her actions.

I agree it appears that way. It's hard for me to explain my situation in this forum in its entirety...if I were able to do so, I think it would be clear that I'm not in denial. I just know and understand a lot more about my wife's situation than anyone.

I have, however, contributed to my wife's not taking full responsibility for her actions. I think it's because I'm stuck in a sort of limbo I can't figure out.

What is the consequence for my wife not doing what she is supposed to to rectify our marriage? Divorce? How do I hold her accountable? What is the consequence supposed to be for not holding up her end?

I threatened her with divorce, and you know what she said?
"Okay, I'll give you what you want...I don't deserve you," woefully sobbing. This isn't a pity-me-power-play. This is my wife's less than zero self-esteem, and doesn't feel that she deserves anything good in her life, including me.

This is one of the reasons I'm having such a hard time finding help, because I believe our situation is very unique, but to outsiders it is easy to pidgeon-hole us and say "He's in denial, she's a super-manipulative skank".

This isn't the case. I'm with a broken woman who is a very sweet loving soul. And I'm not a push-over type guy. I don't take any [censored] from anyone. If she wasn't this sweet loving person I know her to be... I wouldn't be on this site seeking help. I would've been long gone.

My suggestion to you is that you read read read. Read tonnes of threads, and ALL of the material you can. You will actually come to see that your sitch isn't unique at all.

A lot of times, when a BS first gets here, they are in a fog of their own. It is our job to show you the way. Trust that these posters have done this countless times(and if you read other people's threads, you will actually SEE it). You will find stories on here that are eerily similar to your own, and some that are better, or worse than your own.

Your WW's childhood had NOTHING to do with her adultery. Her poor boundaries, allowing others to meet ENs is what led to her affairs. Blaming her childhood does HER a disservice because she can never change who she is if she always believes that her childhood had something to do with her actions. She can't change her childhood. So, in 5 years, if she were to commit adultery, rob a bank, become a raging alcoholic and blame it on her childhood, who will save her then? It's up to you to show her that you love her enough to allow her to become the best person she can by accepting responsibility for HER actions and choices. ALL of the posters here believe that a WS can change, and that's because of the advice and program that DrH offers.

READ READ READ.

Are people here going to judge me "in-denial" and not try to help? I guess that would be the easy thing to do. I've moved past so much denial since all this crap happened it's not even funny. You want to see real denial?
There's a real popular thread going on in this section right now with a guy in denial up to his eyeballs, and everyone has to comment on him.
The sad thing is I remember being in his shoes, thinking the way he did, but I opened my mind and I moved past denial.
For christ sake all I want is some help. I don't want to be pidgeon-holed into the denial guy...I've read all my posts...I understand how I'm appearing, but I'm telling everyone...it's not the case!
If you you don't believe me ask me some questions anything about my wife or my relationship...I'm an open book! I'm seeking answers and solutions--I'm not going to play the denial-dance or mentally spar with anyone to show how "sharp" I am. I'm not trying to prove how special we are, I just realize how unique our situation is and have seen how difficult it is to get help.

Every book I've read about affairs, and every site on the topic always seems to give "affair stories" and then the advice follows...this site is no different.
I find that there is no story that we can even remotely relate to. Even our former therapist held damaging assumptions of us and did more harm than good.

When I first came on here I was ranting and upset. I felt attacked by Melody a bit, "are you reading my posts? Be quiet and do what I say, or you'll never get anywhere" I think she's tired of dealing with people in severe denial as I have witnessed her dealing with Mr.Snarky in another thread. Talk about denial to the hilt. She meant well, she's trying to help me. But I WAS listening, I AM reading all the posts, and taking everything into consideration.


I'm looking for help. Real help.

I've been reading my [censored] off since D-day, and reading this site like crazy since I discovered it. I haven't been sitting idle in my bucket of crap. I've been very active.

You are coming here asking for help, and posters here are trying to help you. Do you know what is standing in their way? YOU. YOU are blocking us from helping you.

You need help, and you demand that we help you in the way you want. No sir, we will help you in the way you NEED, if you are willing to do the work.

Slamming the vets will NOT help people post to you, at least not people who will HELP you.

Re-read your thread, read EVERYTHING. Yes, that is my advice for now. READ.

And that's baloney. Her childhood did contribute to it. I'm well-versed with her family and her family history. Should she blame it now? Should she use it as an excuse or crutch? Absolutely not. But did it contribute? Absolutely. Who teaches you GOOD boundaries around men when you're a little girl growing up, Scotland? Who?

You live what you learn.

Im not slamming vets! Christ! I feel like I'm getting attacked, I'm not blocking anyone, and I told you I am READ READ READING. What am I doing to make anyone doubt that? What am I doing to make them think I'm blocking them? How can someone help me if they don't fully understand my situation, and they are commenting inaccurately on my situation? Am I not supposed to clarify?

You can learn how to have good boundaries from MANY sources. You make CHOICES. Choices which YOU need to take responsibility for.

If you allow your WW to use her childhood as a crutch, you allow her to ALWAYS use it as such.

I didn't have a good childhood growing up. I most certainly learned more about what NOT to do than what to do. I had weaker boundaries around men than I should have. Until I found MB and understood. Until I read what a real marriage should be. How I should be. Now, my boundaries are AIR TIGHT.

MANY people who have had childhoods like mine are drug addicts, alcoholics, child abusers, adulterers, criminals, etc. Not me. WHY? Because I have ALWAYS known that I control my actions. My past made me into the person I a today. And today is tomorrow's past. I need to ensure that the choices I make today are for the person I wish to be tomorrow.

Should I not block vets from saying they parked their criminal johnsons in my skank wife?

Yeah, well SHE'S not YOU.

You are blocking us by not allowing us to help you in the way that we know WORKS. Stop fighting it.

Instead of trying to defend yourself, why don't you absorb what is being said to you, and try to figure out why it's being said. RE-READ your thread.

We only know you by what you have written on this thread.

And you were bashing MelodyLane. She is an esteemed vet around here. Badmouthing her won't get you very far. She has a certain kind of approach that works, for HER. We each have our own style of posting, and as a collective, we work quite well together.

Oh ITA that name calling your wife shouldn't have happened. It's not something I do.

And she's not an elk either. What does that have to do with anything?

I am NOT bashing melody lane. I simply stated I felt attacked by her. I saw she had been posting in mirrormirror's thread recently and he's very confrontational and very much in denial. I thought perhaps that frustration was carrying over to me.

I see how she wants to help, and I see she means very well.
I'm trying to express myself, and I feel like people are going attack dog on me.

Different people deal differently with different experiences...even happens that way in the elk-world.

Jason, I don�t want to pile up on you but listen. Your situation really isn�t that different. I thought mine was too, but it wasn�t. Super sweet wife, wonderful person on and on.
When your WW is READY to commit to this marriage you will know. For sure. No questions asked.

I have been reading this board for over a year now and guess what? Most stories are very similar. Different people, yes. Different circumstances, yes. All with common components? Yes.

My WW was very similar to yours. Not low self esteem, NO self esteem. I got the �you would be better without me. I�m not good enough. Why would you choose me� for months. Why? Because she was still emotionally attached to the OM.

Until you are able to deposit enough love units to trigger the feeling of love for YOU, she isn�t going to be motivated.

She must get to the place where she is able to take full responsibility for her choices and CHOOSE to make different ones in the future. I mean really internally take responsibility and be honest with herself.

My WW was also sexually abused as a child. This is no excuse for their choices. At all. Period. She realizes this now. It was poor boundaries with other men.

Here is what happened with us. After many months of focusing on myself, making positive changes in me that allowed her love to me to be destroyed, eliminating LB�s and only trying to deposit love, she fell back in love with me. This was the key.

Guess what happened next? She came back with a vengeance to make our marriage work. She is doing everything and more to rebuild our marriage and create a romantic bond.

When she is motivated, you will know it. No questions asked. Trust me you will know. Until then, keep focused and patient.