I am frustrated with myself regarding triggers. You can accuse me of making "not ringing true" statements but I'm not lying.

I gotta go now. I have a class coming in in 5 minutes and I haven't eaten yet.

I'm not going to go back and forth with you about what's true and what's not.

I heard the show too and he DOES NOT recommend flooding. He clearly said he recommends NOT talking about it. We can see how talking about it has affected your own recovery.

And most importantly, it is not your decision. Do you really believe he wants to hear you flap on about your affair?

Well, then I misunderstood his rape example then.......

Dr Harley would NEVER recommend that the PERPETRATOR continually "flood" her victim with reminders of her assault. That is ridiculous. Flooding was discussed by a caller as an alternative means for the VICTIM to overcome the trauma. YOU ARE NOT THE VICTIM! YOU ARE THE PERP!

Flooding, in other words, was discussed as a means to help the VICTIM overcome the trauma, not as a means to help the perpetrator get her fix of the OM.

So, no I don't believe your explanations. They don't ring true in light of the fact that you are so ardently and passionately protecting a meaningless facebook page in the face of your continued triggers. What is interesting is the lengths to which you will go to defend facebook. That tells me you are protecting your fix.

Very interesting that you took the time to research this. I did not know this.

Here was your help, CT. I think maybe you missed it. Here are the two action items:

* Get rid of Facebook entirely
* Start following the policy of undivided attention

I think ML got kind of flippant with you (probably rightly so) after this post because you are not showing an enthusiasm about taking the advice. But this is exactly what Dr. Harley would advise.

You have reasons why you don't want to do it, and you have other "solutions" you want to try, but what you have to face is, this will not get better for you until you do these two things, and there is no other way.

I've been able to fight it for 8 months now.

Friend, can you see that this is an admission of the problem, and not the proof of your success?

Some part of the "recovery/reconciliation" process between you and BH did not "take" in your "emotional center" (conventionally referred to as "heart"). Eight months after NC, and supposedly with the appropriate UA time, you still haven't sucked the final vestiges of your attraction for OM out of yourself? There is a reason for that.

We here could posit them for you, but I believe that would NOT be to your ultimate advantage. You should examine yourself (and your feelings vis-a-vis your BH) and determine what they are.

Here are some tools to help you, in the form of self-examination questions that you should clear your mind and answer with your first impulse.

* I would feel much closer to my spouse if.........
* I would appreciate it if my spouse did more (or less) of.....
* I have not shared these with him because.....
* I think the major difference between BH and OM was.....

Knowledge is the ultimate power, friend. You are powerless to effectively fight the "concept" of OM because your don't know what the ongoing lure is.

Markos and NG,
Thank you for the suggestions. They're very helpful.

I just spoke to BH and we have decided we're both being triggered by spending too much time on the MB forum.

We're going to take a break from being here and just focus on the MB program that we ordered.

CT

I agree that focusing on the home study program is the thing. Are you in the accountability program? If not, consider getting into it, because if you are having trouble now, you need more help. It is extremely helpful to be able to post to Dr. Harley directly.

As far as my advice, I just repeat stuff from smart people like MelodyLane and Dr. Harley.

Are you or your BH concerned that the forum is raising your expectations too high? Because Dr. Harley says that the typical problem is not expectations in marriage that are too HIGH, but too LOW. Keep the high expectations, and keep the forum so you can continue to participate in a culture that believes in high expectations for marriage and knows how to achieve it. Most of us do not have that in real life.

I have been very skeptical of CT for months ... I believe she doesn't want to get over OM ... 3 years of her putrid love fest is still festering in her mind.

When someone holds onto a past romance it becomes even more entrenched in fantasy due to the approach avoidance concept Dr. Harley describes here ....

Unfortunately, you continue to IGNORE advice that will help you recover your marriage. I know why you want to take a break, CT. It is because we are holding your feet to the fire about your facebook page and your complete lack of UA time.

The MB program does not "trigger" thoughts of your affair if you are focused on SOLUTIONS, and it is very clear to the outside observer that you are not focused on solutions, but on keeping your facebook page and doing it your way.

I am here to help you when you get serious. But I can see you are not serious right now. A person who fights this hard to protect facebook page is defending her FIX.

So does this mean that you are or are not going to complete the following two helpful action items:

* Get rid of Facebook entirely
* Start following the policy of undivided attention

We can help you by keeping you focused on completing the plan.

You can short circuit yourself by removing yourself from the discomfort you feel when we remind you of the necessity of doing this.

What we can't do is help you find a way to make this work without doing these two things that need to be done.

If you really found my advice helpful, please pay it forward by following it.

A fellow addict like me can recognize when a person is not taking the necessary actions to overcome her addiction. Feelings follow ACTIONS and we can all see where your feelings are, CT.

I can say that I am not taking a drink when I sit in the bar all day looking at booze, but the smell of booze on my breath and my staggering walk are dead giveaways. You have the smell of booze on your breath.

Your feelings belie your actions. They give you away.

You can continue to call me a liar but BH knows that my breath does not smell of booze.

That's why HE suggested that I stay off the MB forum. I am trying very hard to DO the right things and I have been DOING the right things.

What NG posted by Dr. Harley rings most true regarding my thoughts and feelings.

I'm done here for the time being. I used to use this forum like AA for myself, but it no longer serves that purpose.

Now it feels like I go to an AA meeting and get yelled at and called a liar for staying sober for 8 months. Who needs that?

CT,

Do you think it's in your best interest to go, when it's tough the tough get going.
The whole point here is to get to reality and to put the brakes on anything other than the MB way.
Stay on board, I know it gives me comfort in knowing that we are following the plan It keeps me sane when I feel down. It gives me comfort to read a success story like yours is going to be.
Hey you are here after a 3 year affair trying to fix what you broke that takes a lot of strength just because you get a little uncomfortable about the 2x4's is no reason to go.....
just see all the dangers everyone points out so you never slip because there wasn't an awarness

A person who has been sober for 8 months does not continue to pine away for booze because they have taken steps to remove the source of their triggers. You have not removed those triggers as evidenced by your fog. Your feelings follow your actions and we see the outcome here.

A WS who is serious about recovery doesn't leave triggers around like Facebook. But you refuse to remove yours. That speaks volumes. I don't know if it's Facebook that is keeping you triggered, but something IS. And I don't believe you don't know what it is.

You are misunderstanding,
and you did not answer my questions.

There are two action items, and you are not taking them. You can't recover without those. You aren't even talking about them; instead you are hurling accusations at other posters.

Your husband wants you to change, and you can't change until you take these two action items. He doesn't want to hear your justifications for not taking those items any more than we do. You may slink away from us making you uncomfortable about this, and that might make you quieter for awhile, but it won't lead to the recovery that he and you are looking for.

Would you please answer my questions?

Notice, MelodyLane is not saying that you are a willful boozer, she is trying to help you uncover a blind spot in your sobriety.

If you'll listen to the experts, you'll come through this.

Two action items:
* Eliminate Facebook
* POUA

Don't run away from the help just because it makes you uncomfortable. Don't collude with your husband to concoct a justification for running away from the help.

That's it CT, as soon as posters try to help you, you run off. That is a classic example of a fogged out wayward. You need to be held accountable. If you leave here, at least you could get the online program.

It does no good to just have NC with AP. That is the FIRST step. You have done that, but now you need to CONTINUE with the steps.

I think that your BH isn't sure where you are triggered, and he suggested MB may be a trigger. You have decided that since it is MB, and not YOU and YOUR thoughts, that you should leave.

What aCTIONS will you be taking after you go? How will leaving now, while ML and others hold your feet to the flames HELP your marriage?

What types of things do you do during your UA time?

MB is a trigger but FB isn't??? When you have a history of onesided FB contact and it throwing you into a suicidal depression?

Come on, CT! That is some serious fog.

I knew when you were ignoring FB advice...for the SECOND time...that you were getting a fix there.