My married friend has confessed to an affair with a married man. She is talking of ending it because she has no intention of hurting her husband and children, even though OM wants her to. (I know this is 'fog-speak' but it's the way she sees it.)

I'm devastated by this news. She's been a wonderful friend and I can't believe she could do this. She doesn't know it, but I was a BS some years ago and this has turned me inside out.

I don't know her husband very well, but I believe he should know about the affair. I desperately want to do the right thing, for the right reasons, but I'm scared. Not only because I will lose my best friend (I know I can't be friends while she is a WS anyway), but because he has been suffering depression for some time now and I don't want to send him over the edge.

How do I go about this? I can't stand by while another BS suffers like I did, but I don't want his suffering to be worse than it needs to be. Do I give her a chance to tell him first?

This has brought so much pain back to me. The shock that my lovely friend could do this, has reminded me how it felt when my husband turned into my worst enemy.

Did your wayward friend tell you that her husband suffers depression?

Tell her she needs to stop the affair and that she needs to tell her husband, and then tell her you can't have any contact with her anymore.

I would come clean about my own story and my own feelings and tell her you understand the devastation it is going to cause him and her family.
Then I would say that you came to her first to give her an opportunity to tell her husband herself it is the best way if she truly wants to save her marriage.
Tell her if she doesn't do it that you are going to have to even at the cost of your freindship because you can't not do what is right.......that she made it your business by revealing the situation.
I would telll her if she choses to do the right thing you will help her and support her like a good friend, you could let her know you dont' judge her that you understand that she is foggy and has made a terrible choice but she does have a chance to come back from this evil situation.
If you lose her you lose her, when she comes to her senses she will come back and thank you.......
good luck
I couldn't sit back either, everyone deserves to know what is happening to their lives.

Perfect post.

I had a situation JUST like yours ... Except it was my wifes mother who was having an affair. Well "grandpa" (my wifes step dad whom my wifes mother was married to for 20 years) didnt know how to use a PC and was a complete wreck and had no idea what was going on in his life or why his wife was acting all weird. My MIL then confessed to her affair and as soon as I found out i got her to come over and gave her some marriage coaching all the while recorded her convo .. and then told her hubby what was happening. He fell apart for a while (MIL was dragging him through the coals and stringing him along) and once the cat was out of the bag it brought light to what was really happeneing and he was able to understand why he was so confused.

Its IS ending in divorce now though .. as MIL can not or will not stop seeing this OM and they are getting married this coming OCT .. but my wifes step dad PRAISES us to this day for exposing MIL's affair and making the stand we did and "clearing the air" so she couldnt string him along anymore.

It may seem counter productive but its a DJ to think her hubby can not handle the truth... which he NEEDS to know. If SHE wont confess ... I would tell him yourself.

edit to add that since SFIL had no idea how to use a PC we did the exposure on FB and that saved SFIL probably months of continued agony.
JMHO

MNG

I agree wholeheartedly with what Jessi wrote!

Hmmm if this wasn't so devestating it would be funny. Should go on the greatest fogged out comments thread!

Give her 1 week to confess to her H or else you do it for her

Horizon,

Many of the posters here will tell you that if someone stepped forward, before too much time when by, they could have recovered their marriage or not have had to endure years of a marginalized relationship. Often times the BS has no idea what's wrong just ugly feelings.

This WW, even if she succeeds at hiding her affair, will have an even worse marriage than the one she had before the affair. Please do this BH a big favor, and the same favor for OMW.

I wish someone in the know had told me.

God Bless
Gamma

Horizon, you are a good, caring person. Please tell her husband without forewarning her. Yes, she will be angry and you will lose her.....while she is a WS. But when she sobers up from the affair she will remember that you cared enough to help her out. It is very likely that her H's depression stems from her affair which would cause the neglect of her husband. He probably senses something and she is gaslighting him.

I would call him up and give him all the facts. Tell him about this forum so we can help him. And tell your "friend" that you will not have a liar and a cheater for a "friend." You will support her in doing the right thing, but won't support her in harming others with her destructive behavior.

I would not give her a "chance" to tell him, but would tell him yourself. Expecting a liar and a cheater to tell the truth unrealistic and just adds more problems - for absolutely no reason - to an already volatile situation. When you are done, call her up and tell her what you have done SO YOU CAN TAKE FULL CREDIT FOR IT.

She will appreciate you taht you did this if she ever sobers up. I have been in this situation where a "friend" of mine was having an affair. Fortunately, her H and whole family already found out by the time I found out. I told her that I could not be her friend as long as she was having an affair.

Wouldn't life be easier if you had no principles? Unfortunately, having principles means you also have the courage of your convictions when it is HARD! Principles aren't just for when it is easy! I hate dat!!

I can't tell you the times I have had to DRAG myself kicking and screaming to do something I didn't want to do....

Tell the BH without warning the WW first.

Totally agree MelodyLane.

I am not so sure about telling th BS immediately.

I would ask your friend to tell her BS the truth saying that it is the best and fastest way to end the affair, if that is truly what she wants.

Give her a head start, then tell the BS because she still might not, and in doing so betraying your friendship so that you might have peace of mind for exposing said WW.


FYI, I may know you in real life.
*Edit* Nope, different Horizon.

I'm sorry but don't we always say "no warnings when it comes to exposure"?

Why would we warn a Wayward that you're going to expose to the BH"? So the wayward can lie and tell the friend that I told my BH the truth?

I'm surprised at some of the posters are telling her to give the wayward "a chance" to tell first. What so she can spin it to her BH first?

Is this advice a joke?

Please tell the BH. We have too many posters that were never told even when their close circle knew.

I am sorry but that is bad advice. That is giving your battle plan to the enemy. For absolutely no reason. NONE. The goal here is to inform the BS of the truth. The most effective way to do this is for her to tell him. Telling the WW in advance only muddies the waters.

She should have no peace of mind for helping her "friend" cheat on her husband. Telling the BS alleviates her guilt. Telling on the WW is not a "betrayal." That is irrational.

Listen to ML! ... i did what she said when faced with the same situation. Expose to her hubby ... and DO NOT let her in on it that your going to. I would want to know if I was the BS .. regardless of how much it hurts .. better than getting an STD and better than living a Lie.

MNG

Thank you very much for all of your replies. I would have come back to you sooner, but have had some trouble posting.

I have read each of your replies over and over. I know the right thing is for him to be told, but I'm back and forth on how he's told. I only have their home phone no and he works different shifts, so I don't know when he's there or if he's alone. He has suffered depression for ages and I don't know what state he's in at any give time.

For his sake (and definately mine, though I know it's not about me)I think the best thing would be if she came clean herself, picking her moment when the kids aren't there, when he's not already on a down day and when he doesn't have to go to work etc.

I have drafted an e-mail to her, saying much of what jessitaylor suggested and giving her a chance to do it herself. I know many of you won't agree with this, but so help me, I just don't have the courage to detonate that bomb in their family, when I hardly know him or where his head is at right now. As a former BS, I also know that the WS volunteering the information is a huge positive step and one the WS will never again have the opportunity to give to BS. That is NOT to say that I won't do it, if she fails to. I feel like a failure myself already.

I realise this friendship is over as long she is a WS. She will hate me anyway. This has really affected me. I can't believe I'm in the middle of this stuff again after all these years. I do admire the posters that I recognise from years ago, still being able to face all of this pain.

I'm thinking of ordering some books that may help them. Any suggestions would be gratefully received. I will also direct them both to this site, so I'd better not post for much longer.

Thank you all once again. Every opinion has been valuable to me