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#2605990 03/15/12 02:57 PM
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kingarz Offline OP
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Long time lurker, first time poster. My WH and I are doing great in recovering from his short-term intense PA that he carried out last year for a couple of months. NC has been implemented. Our recovery is somewhat impacted by triggers, which we are trying to eliminate. One of them is the fact that during the A, he became a vegeterian. He claims he decided to do this for health reasons, and it was purely coincidental that the POSOW was also a vegetarian (except her vegetarianism was dictated by her religion). He has now begrudgingly decided to revert to meat eating after 9 months of meat avoidance realizing that his diet preferences are a huge trigger for me.

Also, as we are discovering each other romantically, there were a couple of instances when I said something which was a huge trigger for him and he cringed hearing it (apparently OP would constantly give him "prompts" demanding responses to e.g. "tell me how much you love me" or "tell me how much you missed me" etc; apparently, she was quite possessive, obsessive and narcissistic, demanding constant assurances from my WH of his love, admiration of her looks, etc.).

Can you please share your experiences in dealing with triggers? Did you just make a list at the onset of recovery to make sure that they are avoided or did you discover them as you progressed through your recovery and dealt with them individually? How do you determine which is a valid trigger and which is just a result of excessive obsessing?

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Diet as trigger is definitely unique.

I find it impossible to not be triggered by various things. Drove by the scene of the most of the crime, their office, last week and sent me into a funk. Almost every television show has infidelity as a story line and that easily can trigger.

I think its a matter of time that will harden you to these triggers. Too bad time takes so long.

Make him a thick, juicy steak tonight.

(By the way, my wife's guy took her to steak houses often and one of them had a hotel attached. They spent time in the hotel. Not only will we never go that restaurant, we've seemed to avoid steak houses overall. Too bad, I like me a steak once in a while. I guess it will mark the end of that trigger when we return to eating steak out.)


Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
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kingarz Offline OP
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Thanks, Mike, for responding. So how do you deal with the funk caused by triggers? Is there some sort of a mind technique you can recommend? I know some triggers are unavoidable, but how can those that can be avoided eliminated? Do you make a long list of triggers in the beginning of recovery and do your best to avoid them? Sorry for so many questions!

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(To Mike)

[Linked Image from planetsmilies.net] So, Grasshopper, the student is now to be the teacher! You have studied long! Have you studied....well?

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I drink heavily. Kidding.

I do picture om in a fiery car crash upon a trigger. That always cheers me up.

I also think how miserable his life must be without my wife and that makes me happy.

I do a whole bunch of mind tricks like these to change my thoughts.

The truth is if your husband is doing all to keep you safe and making amends thats the best remedy to a trigger.


Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
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Originally Posted by kingarz
Can you please share your experiences in dealing with triggers? Did you just make a list at the onset of recovery to make sure that they are avoided or did you discover them as you progressed through your recovery and dealt with them individually? How do you determine which is a valid trigger and which is just a result of excessive obsessing?


King, we dealt with them as they came up and eliminated them. You often won't even know what the triggers are until you stumble over them. Others you know and can avoid. I have no idea what the difference is between "triggering" and "excessive obsessing." It is all the same. Anything that brings on discomfort should be avoided. And you can't erase obsessing, that is a normal part of recovery. The KEY is not discuss the affair when you feel triggered or are obsessing about it. Don't talk about it and don't write about it.

You might want to also get your husband the book The Vegetarian Myth. It is written by a long term vegetarian who did extensive research on that diet.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MikeStillSmiling
Diet as trigger is definitely unique.

I find it impossible to not be triggered by various things. Drove by the scene of the most of the crime, their office, last week and sent me into a funk. Almost every television show has infidelity as a story line and that easily can trigger.

I think its a matter of time that will harden you to these triggers. Too bad time takes so long.

Make him a thick, juicy steak tonight.

(By the way, my wife's guy took her to steak houses often and one of them had a hotel attached. They spent time in the hotel. Not only will we never go that restaurant, we've seemed to avoid steak houses overall. Too bad, I like me a steak once in a while. I guess it will mark the end of that trigger when we return to eating steak out.)

We're pushing 4 years out (June 18) from Dday. I consider us (mostly) recovered. Had a unique trigger last week. OM2 was on the news giving a speech. I found the video of it online. I gotta say I didn't handle it well. What I did was talk to my wife. That seemed to help deal with the trigger the most.


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Dr. Harley discussed triggers on the 3/14 MB Forum, part 3. The two ways psychologists recommend dealing with them are avoidance or flooding. No, you can't make a list of them to avoid, new ones keep popping up. For those you can't avoid, it's true that with time the pain does fade, if all other things are going well in your recovery. For those I can't avoid, my trick is to try to quickly distract my thoughts before the trigger brings on a full-blown funk that can ruin my whole day. Don't let it take over your thoughts, practice focusing on something else till the pain passes. (I like the fiery car crash, above smile
I can certainly understand how your FWH's vegetarianism would trigger you, since you're sharing meals every day. Glad he's realized the pain it causes you and has given it up. For him not to do so would show lack of empathy, which is necessary to your recovery. My FWH is sensitive to my triggers and avoids them when I make him aware of them. (I'm 18 mos post D-Day, though trickle truth till 6 mos ago has hurt recovery. )

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It's been about 16 months since H and I began recovery and triggers have come and gone. Ones I thought were done have popped up occasionally - which always throws me off.

The first thing you do is to ditch the obvious ones the best way you can. If there are material items that trigger you (clothes, books, cologne, whatever...) get rid of them asap! As mentioned above, avoidance is definitely one method that works.

Flooding, for me, is more for something I really don't want to give up but is a trigger. For an example, Mike might decide that he and his wife are going to visit steakhouses that are not related in any way to OM for 3 days a week for the near future until he finally is over it. Does it work? I think, in a way, it does. In my situation, the Skank OW has a VERY common name - hear it all the time! It was very traumatic in the beginning of recovery. Now I hear it so often, I don't bristle anymore. It will never be my favorite name, but it's not so much a trigger these days.

Events/Days: there are some things I just decided (after reading good advice from others) that H and I needed to "take back" for ourselves. The anniversary of the night I discovered the affair was physical and asked him to leave, for instance: the first year anti-versary was just dreadful to me. But...we made plans for the day that were very nice. Next year when that day rolls around, hopefully I will remember the good times of the previous year and not the bad stuff so much.

I would say you can use a list for obvious things: this is why knowing details of the A are important, in fact - to help make sure you do not walk into things that remind either of you of the OP. But, as was mentioned, a list isn't going to help a whole lot because you just never know.

One of the best ways I deal with triggers now is just getting some affection from my husband. I've learned that I should not mention the trigger specifically, just that I need him at that moment. He is good about dropping anything and everything if I go up to him and put my arms around him. I don't usually have to say much of anything. (Eliminating the "prompting" you mentioned about the OW/your H trigger.)

Sometimes it truly is mind over matter. I posted last week that there are times I ask myself, "OK, Sunny...do you WANT to be upset right now? Cuz you're acting like you want to be upset." When I thought about that I realized it's because I wasn't ready to let my H off the hook for hurting me. I try not to stew as a result of that deep conversation with myself. I switch my brain to something else - a book, a comedy, a project...anything that takes brain power and redirection. (I often find I trigger more when I am alone than when H is near.) It seems especially helpful if I do something for the marriage (such as meet a need of H's) during trigger time: makes me feel productive and in control instead of letting circumstances control me.

Oh - and I also read a trick recently on here (not sure who posted it) that you can keep a hair band on your wrist. When your thoughts go off in the wrong direction, snap it and force yourself to think about what you're thinking about!

There is no magic formula for triggers, unfortunately. We all wish to some degree there was a pill that could overcome them, I'm sure. The only answers are: building an exceptional marriage now; forcing yourself to take action instead of letting triggers take hold, and TIME.

I hope this makes sense.... cooking and writing at the same time. I'm good at both usually but not necessarily together!


"The #1 reason why people give up so quickly is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, rather than how far they've gotten."

Me, FBW(46) H, FWH (43)
M - 21 yrs & counting
D (20)
S (18)
S (16)
Surviving and Thriving since November 2010 thanks to MB!
My Recovery Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986#Post2538986
My Original Thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457141&page=1


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