I found out back in July of 2011 that my wife had been having an affair with a friend of mine. She says that she has been unhappy in our marriage for a long time and she had an emotional as well as physical affair with this guy. She told me that it was over in October of 2010 but when I dound out in July of 2011 she continued to contact him and was very upset about having to stop contacting him. We are trying to work it out but I have had a really hard time dealing with this and I have not been able to keep an even keel in our relationship. She has never really been remorseful which has made it even harder and she says she loves me but she is not in love with me. I am trying to work on myself but it is very hard living in the same house with her when she is so cold sometimes. At times she shows me affection but not much. I feel that I am expecting too much too soon but I don't know what to do. Any thoughts.

Sorry you are here. BUT Welcome to Marriage BUilders! This is the BEST place you can possibly be in this situation.

COuld you please fill us in on some details?

Ages? Kids? how long married?

Does she work with this guy?

Any time she contacts him it keeps the affair alive in her mind. You will never be able to be friends with this man again. he is NO friend of yours.

The other vets will be along shortly if they havent already posted before me.

Read the basic concepts ... read the articles .. and get the book "surviving an affair" to start you off on the right foot.

Your wife has to go No Contact FOR LIFE! this means no FB .. no phone calls .. no texting .. and if she works with him .. she or him has to leave that job or your marriage will never recover.

REad read read .. and ask questions. Vent here .. but DO NOT let you wife know your here yet ...

MNG

We are both 46 have 3 kids. She doesn not work with him and I will never be friends with him again. I don't hink she is contacting him anymore but I am not sure. She says not and I don't see signs of it but again not sure. We have been married for 17 years. I did abandon her emotionally and I have admitted and appologized. I am doing more than my share to change but it seems to me that she is lagging. Not sure what to do or what to think. Caught in a whirl wind of emotions and need to get a grip on something. Just need some hope.

Sorry you're here, but welcome.

You need to snoop to verify that there hasn't been any contact.
Your WW needs to write a NC letter and you need to be in Plan A.


Also does the OM's wife or family know he had an affair with your wife?

You need to expose this.

Sorry but "hope" is not a plan to recover but MB is.

Welcome, Simon. You've got a lot of positive things going for you, although it may not seem so right now. She is still physically with you and you have children together. Those are both huge factors in your favor.

Your chance of killing this affair is good, but you're going to have to be proactive, not reactive. You need to do some industrial-grade snooping, because the chance is very good that they are still together. What kind of snooping have you been doing? Make sure she doesn't know! Are you checking her cell phone? Don't just look at the phone, check your online records. She may be deleting things on her phone, but they'll still show up on the bill.

Can you get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and hide it in her car? Waywards do a lot of talking when they think no one can hear them. Slapping a GPS unit on her car wouldn't be a bad idea either.

Where did they meet for their hookups?

Who knows about the affair? Your children should know if they are over the age of five. Both of your families should know. What about OM? Is he married? His wife is your strongest exposure target. She needs to know.

Tell us what you've done so far. And don't tell her about this site! Many betrayed spouses do that, thinking they can educate their wayward by showing them the articles on this site, and then all will be well. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. You don't want her here right now.

You will need to tell EVERYONE under the sun who is important to her or that has ANY influence over her.

Put a VAR in her car .. put a keylogger on her pc. You gotta do some serious SLEITHING to get to the bottom of this. If your wife is not remorseful .. she has most likely taken this underground. DO NOT dismiss the though she may have a secret second phone in her car .. or hiding somewhere. Get the goods then EXPOSE! DO NOT WARN HER! JUST DO IT !

She will be RAGING MAD and say all sorts of fogged out wayward garbage. let it roll off your back because even tho she may be convincing that she means it? She doesnt ... shes not herself right now .. and its up to you to make things right for your kids. Do not let your WW (equvilant to a falling down drunk) take the drivers seat in this .. YOU drive and take her keys away.

mean while ... you begin PLAN A .. and PREPARE for PLAN B.

Keep posting .. and askin..

MNG

You need a plan.

As stated above...you need to inspect what you expect. You can't make any progress if she's still in contact with OM in any way whatsoever. Even as a facebook friend is too much and totally disrespectful.

Read up. We need to guide you to the point where you are ready to stand up for yourself (you've been beat down and gas-lite for almost nearly two years so I don't expect you to be a great big ball of self-confidence right away)....to a point where you can say: "honey...enough is enough...I refuse to remain (much longer) in a loveless marriage...we are either going to work a marriage recovery program together or I'm prepared to do what I have to do to move on with my life. This marriage, as it stands today is unbearable...FOR BOTH OF US...wouldn't the ideal situation be for you and I to be a loving marriage? What have we got to lose?

Don't even try this until you've confirmed 100% that she is not in contact with OM. The affair has to end first before recovery is possible at all.

You've arrived at the right place. MB saved my marriage and family and hopefully we can do the same for you...but either way...you will make it.

Mr. Wondering

The guys fiance knows but she thinks it was only getting together to talk. She does not want to know anything and has told me so.

What about his family?

I get the bills for her cell phone but the problem is I have exposed all my tactics. The only choice I have is to tap her phone at work. I don't know about VAR's

I have checked everything I can think of. She assures me that she is over and done and I don't see any sign of her trying to meet up.

We have been trying to keep it quiet so his family does not know. They would not care anyway. He has done this to several marriages. I know of at least 5 women he has had affairs with.

put a keylogger on her PC .. and DO NOT tell her about it.

Waywards lie so you can't believe them.

His family should know. How do you know his family won't care? Have you yourself told them?

Continue to snoop. Read this Snooping Is it right or Wrong

Why are you staying quiet and enabling his alley cat ways?

If you don't know what a VAR is, google it and learn. You can also check out our Operation Investigate forum. We've got a lot of info on spying tools.

Quit tipping your hand to the enemy, sir. Don't expose your battle plans by telling your WW what they are - she'll be able to dodge them if you do. You need to quietly snoop. Don't explode on her if you find something - bring it here and we'll help you decide what you need to do with it.

I don't think she is still comunicating with him anymore but I don't know for sure. I don't think he wants to speak with her anymore from what I gather. My gut feeling is usually right on and I don't think she is. My problem is she is not accepting her blame and I have had to carry that burden. I have been too forgiving and she has been rewarded for bad behavior. She is reading the book After the Affair and Love Busters but she is not very dedicated to reconnecting.

Well she called him again. I confronted and alsmost left. The preacher got involved and she seems to have changed but I sense the feelings of unsureness coming back. What if she really loves this guy. What do I do?

Well she called him again. Why wouldn't she? You've done nothing to kill her affair.

I confronted and almost left. Why? Did you do anything wrong? Grow a set, my friend. Your goal right now is to start ruining the elements that support HER cheating life, not impact your own!

What do I do? You do what you were advised to do, and hadn't the stomach to do, last month - you EXPOSE their affair to everyone in their lives. Her family, CHILDREN, friends, coworkers, clergy, hairdresser, old school chums, etc, etc. And the same broad brush for his world.

Should take you about a day. We'll be here.

Simon,

We have been trying to keep it quiet so his family does not know. They would not care anyway. He has done this to several marriages. I know of at least 5 women he has had affairs with.

You need to rock this guys world expose to all 5 of those womens families, expose to his current fiances family, his job, his church, his facebook friends, this guy is a remorseless scum bag.

That said this con-artist is also likely skilled at keeping women addicted to him, and has a million sob stories he tells them to induce sympathy.

HIS FAMILY NEEDS TO KNOW!

God Bless
Gamma

Just wait until you mass expose to everyone that she is cheater.

She'll be p.o.'d like you never knew. Take a crack pipe from a crackhead and you'll see one irate person. You have a crackhead living with you.

But, once its done (the exposure) so is the affair. It only succeeds in silence.

Its then you can take the steps to reclaim your marriage.

I like to think exposure is the coolest, most romantic thing a person can do for their wayward spouse. The sooner you snap her out of this fog where she somehow is OK with sleeping with a engaged, serial cheater, the better. If she was smart enough to play out the relationship with the OM, she'd see she is nothing but a notch on his bedpost. But, the WW mind is quite dumb, selfish, and capable of mass destruction.

Also, my wife was two timing OM's wife while OM was two timing my wife. There was a lot of humiliation on my wife's part before she knew this, but when I informed her of this tidbit, which at the time I took some pleasure of informing her, she nearly passed out. In hindsight, it was one of the rare enjoyable parts of the days after dday.

I suspect her OM as others as you say.