There's a new millenium on the horizon and I, for one, don't want to begin it the way that this one is ending.<P>Seven months + of riding the emotional rollercoaster seems like enough punishment to me. My W now tells me that she has made her "choice" and has given OM the final flick -- yeah,yeah,yeah I've heard it so many times before, but still I think it may be so. Walking away and limiting my contact might have made her want me more than him, but I have been led to believe by others that she is starting up casual friendships with one or two others, just to cover herself. She says that it is difficult to give up the single life she has enjoyed for a while.<P>But the bottom line is that this contest with OM that I have been engaged in isn't worth it anymore. That the woman I loved is just a person, not a prize. I see so many other happy couples around me. I see so many other women every day that may or may not have the things that I need -- selflessness, honesty, empathy, affection, the ability to place my needs on a par with their own. My W hasn't had them for so long. Maybe she never did. Who she is, is what she was before I ever married her. I may have helped to create the climate for her actions, but not the person who committed them. I, for one, could never put anyone through what she did to me. Never. So why do I deserve to offer the rest of my life -- all that I am, all that I have, all that I will ever be -- to someone capable of treating another human being this way? <P>Sure, everyone make mistakes. I've made plenty. But not with such forethought. Not for such a long, painful period. <P>The love I feel is there. But I have to ask myself if this person deserves that love. Does she deserve my trust after the hundreds of lies I have been told, the broken promises, the pain that she has knowingly inflicted upon me? Do I love myself enough to say that I deserve better? <P>Seven months is a long time to be put through the ringer. To be lied to, betrayed, belittled, disrespected, dishounored, emotionally abused. I have to wonder if anyone capable of that is really capable of never allowing it to happen again. The fact that she wants me back now should make me happy, but who is she to grace me with her grand decision? I am now suppose to put the past behind and move on (she doesn't want to talk about it), excuse her abominable behaviour over the past seven months and start our life afresh.<P>The fact is that the woman I love has not been worthy of the love I feel. Not worthy of the commitment I have maintained. Maybe some day she will be. I waited so long and have endured so much in the hopes that this woman I offer everything to, would show me that she is a better person than her actions would prove. That inside her lies the honest and loving person I believe her to be. But again, I would never have done it to her, so why do I deserve to continue life with someone capable of doing it to me?<P>"I want." I have heard it seven hundred times in 7 months. Well, I have reached the point where what I WANT is just as important. I want to trust again. I want what my parents and my friends and the people I come into contact with every day want -- to know that I am the most important person in someone else's life with NO exception, to know that they would rather eat s**t than wound me the way that I have been hurt, and at the very least, respect me.<P>I don't quite know what I am saying here except that life is short and I am too nice a guy to let myself be treated the way that I have. The pain of living without my W must be far easier than the pain of living with this continuing drama. There must be someone else out there that will treat me better. Time to quit being afraid of trying. Time to give myself a gift -- the chance for a better life than this and the love I deserve.
