I have been on the Affair forum since January. I do feel comfortable now saying that my H and I are in recovery. Just to give you the short story lowdown.

1. I had an EA turned PA from September -November of 2011
2. Full exposure on 11/12/11
3. H moved out on 1/2/12 saying that he was done
4. Found out he was having an RA from 12/10/12 -1/17/12
5. Ended his affair and we have been trying to rebuild ever since.
6. He moved back in the middle of February and we have been using MB books and skills to make our marriage a healthy and happy one.
7. It is truly been an up and down roller coaster ride but we are both committed to trying to make things work.

Now I can get to where we are now. My in laws were the first people to find out about the affair. I have not seen them or had any communication with them since November of last year. They have said some very nasty thing about me and really do not support the recovery of my marriage.

My H was staying with them for awhile and had to move out because they were so awful to him for giving me another chance.

I have been very patient with them and definitely see why they are so upset. I know they are protecting their son. The problem is that they say awful things about me to my children as well. To the point where neither of my kids really want to be around them anymore.

Again, I can see where they are coming from but it really hurts and I know that it does not help my husband or my children to see the way they are treating me.

Where am I going with this? I am not sure exactly what to do and yesterday (St. Patty's Day) ended up being a disastrous reunion between them and myself.

There is always a big parade in the town right next to ours. My H's family is Irish so they usually throw a party at their house because they are only a minute from the parade. My H and my kids went over to their house yesterday morning for some breakfast and to watch the parade. I of course was not invited and although I was disappointed, I understood.

The plan was to meet up with my cousin and a good friend and I would watch the parade with them and then meet up with my husband later.

Well, I could not find my cousin and then it started to rain and I got stuck, by myself under a tent with a bunch of people I did not know. My H called me and came and got me. Because it was raining and we had nowhere else to go, he took me back to his parents house and told me there was enough people there so It would not be awkward.

Well, I really did not feel comfortable but I did not want to drive in the rain and my car was a mile up the road. So I went over there and stayed out in the garage with some friends of ours and tried not to cause any trouble.

Unfortunately there was alcohol involved on both ends (I started drinking to lessen the anxiety...I know bad idea) and his parent had been drinking all day. After being there for about an hour, his mom all of the sudden came out in the garage and started screaming at me and calling me names and saying it was too soon and that I had to leave. She also started accusing me of sleeping with all of my H's friends...it was truly devastating and so hurtful.

The thing is, both of his parents have had affairs. His mother had one when my H was 13 and his dad had a RA a couple years later. They completed supported his RA and say that he did nothing wrong. They never truly recovered their own marriage and have done a lot of carpet sweeping and ignoring issues. That however is another story and not my business at all.

I am not Mrs. Innocent either. I tried to stay calm but after his mother called me names in front of everyone, I lost it as well and said some pretty nasty and hurtful things. As Dr. H says, it does not make you feel better to love bust!!!

My H was inside the house for a lot of this and did not really know what was going on until almost the end. I ended up having one of my girlfriends take me down to my parents house (ironically our parents live in the same subdivision about 1/4 mile from each other).

After bawling for about 20 minutes, my H and son came and got me and we went home. My H was not mad at me but he really did not want to talk about what happened. Apparently his parents kicked out anyone and everyone that was talking to me that night. So my husband took our son and left.

This is such a mess. I really want to work things out with them as well but they are so stubborn and hateful towards me right now. I need advice on what to do? I am also worried that their behavior is going to put a wedge between my husband and I and hurt our recovery.

I just want to know if anyone else had been in this situation and what the best thing to do is? I want to talk to them and show them that I have changed and am doing everything in my power to love and protect their son. But they refuse to let me in and have more resentment towards me than my H does.

Any comments, advice, and suggestions are much appreciated.

fifteen

Any comments, advice, and suggestions are much appreciated.

Are you sure about the "any" in that statement?

Okay, not sure how much of a relationship you can ultimately rebuild with these folks, if they're so hell-bent on flogging you on behalf of their "little boy" who obviously cannot be trusted to manage his own life, but here goes.

Kudos to Mr XVY for:

My H...had to move out because they were so awful to him for giving me another chance.

Boos to Mr XVY for:

My H and my kids went over to their house yesterday...I of course was not invited

Lesson to the minor XVYs? "Daddy cares more about boozing it up with Nanny and Gramps than spending an RC day with Mom."

And speaking of "Boos", for you, dear lady, a carnation of stinkweed for:

I started drinking to lessen the anxiety

I'm still waiting to hear the first story in which facing a difficult situation was made BETTER by getting hammered. (Save your breath about not being "hammered", okay?)

How would you feel this morning if you had been dead-sober during MIL-from-Hell's tirade, and and the good sense to say, "Mom, you're wrong about many things, and abusive in this matter. I'll talk to you tomorrow when you're more in control" and left?

You'll note that NOTHING here has anything to do with THEM, because they're probably so set in their judgmental, condemnifying(?) ways that their hopeless to adjust.

Everyday, XVY, you're going to be presented with some kind of shi+ sandwich. You should probably learn to select an alternate menu.

First off, your husband should not have gone there without you. And secondly, there should be no more contact with your inlaws unless and until they apologize for their abhorrent behavior. It is up to your husband to protect you and your children from his CRAZY BANSHEE of a mother. There is no excuse for what she did to you.

They need to be CUT OFF from your kids, everyone, until they can behave decently. And your H needs to lay down the law with them. If you need some support in this, send an email to Dr Harley and he can explain it over the radio so you can play the clip for your husband.

I am so sorry you had to be abused in this manner. There is no excuse for her horrible behavior~!!!

Any relationship that does not support your marriage has to be ousted or at least STRICT boundaries placed around it. This includes your in-laws.

If you've done all you can to ask their forgiveness and support you in recovery, then you've done all you can do.

It is TERRIBLY damaging for them to be making negative statements about you in front of your son!

Focus on making your marriage the best it can be. Recovery is hard enough without having to try and reconcile with the in-laws at the same time. You and your H need total focus on your own family right now.

And this about sums it up. If I could add anything to it, it would only be to reinforce what Mel has said about your H initiating this advice. He needs to be the one to stand up to his parents and say he will not tolerate this behavior.

Actually, they would have to do more than apologize (IMO). They would need to demonstrate their repentance as well.

CV

fifteen, my first question is: has his affair been exposed to his family? I firmly believe that both affairs should be fully exposed.

Second of all, the Policy of Joint Agreement is there to protect you in marital recovery. Do not agree to things that harm you, such as your husband going to see your inlaws without you, or your husband doing anything with your inlaws that feels hurtful to you. Trust your emotions here; God gave them to you to protect you.

Prisca used to encourage me to go see my family without her, since they were so horrible to her and she didn't want to go. We finally realized that was making her miserable, and I told her I would not continue to go if she did not want me to. She took me up on the offer, as my family was still smarting off to and about her. I've heard Dr. Harley address this several times on the radio. I've even heard him say that if his son/daughterinlaws had affairs he and Joyce would still treat them like kings and queens if their children chose to recover the marriage. Don't accept anything less.

At one point a few months ago when my family was making overtures toward reconciliation, we posted to Dr. Harley about the subject, and he confirmed that we were using the Policy of Joint Agreement right here and that we should trust Prisca's emotions and protect her from further emotional harm. He mentioned that she might even experience continued anxiety even if my parents act perfectly from now on. He went through essentially this with his parents and Joyce: apparently his father was extremely judgmental toward Joyce at some point, and Joyce continued to feel anxiety about them from then on, even after reconciliation. Thankfully it was minimized because they lived in a different state.

Marcos,

To answer your first question - Yes, both affairs were exposed. His parents actually knew about his before I did because he was living with them while it was going on. His mother is convinced that he did nothing wrong because it was his reaction to what I did.

I am dealing with very proud people who rarely admit to or deal with their problems. I love them to death but problems are always someone else's fault.

To respond to your second thought, I did agree with my husband about this arrangements but felt horrible about not getting to spend time with my family. I did this because a part of me still feels like I should be punished and suffer for what I did. I did not want to stir things up and ruin anyone one else's day. I honestly thought that I was being selfish by asking to join them. I thought it would be easier just to accept the situation.

The thing is, my husband ended up bringing me there anyway and I think the shock of me being there vs. everyone preparing made the situation worse. I am going to have to be radically honest with my H tonight to explain how I felt before and during the events of the day. I am upset and hurt that he did not do more to stand up for me during the attack. In addition, my children of tired of it as well. It is not fair for them to have to chose sides. There should not even be sides but my in laws are convinced that this is a war....so hurtful!!


My question is, did your family ever decide to forgive Prista? Does she feel accepted by them now? I was very close to my in laws before this happened and it hurts so bad to know that they may never forgive me again and let me back in.

I have thought about writing them a letter or meeting with them one on one just to talk. My H also has a brother that has been very hard on me. I would love to talk to him and his wife as well. His wife and I were friends and I miss her and know she misses me.

I will write to Dr. H and Joyce to see what they think. I have been on their show once already. Is there a limit to how many times you can go on? If not, I have a feeling that I will be on there a lot in the next couple of years.

Thank you for your advice!!

She sounds like a truly terrible person to justify such behavior in her son. My father lived with his parents for a few years during and after his divorce, and I can tell you, my grandparents would not have tolerated promiscuous behavior on his part AT ALL. He would have been out on his rear if he'd done anything like that during that time.


Okay, you tried it, but now your emotions are letting you know that this doesn't work. It's usually commendable to give something a try, but now you know this does not work for you. Use the Policy of Joint Agreement to protect your emotions.

Is your husband on board with the Policy of Joint Agreement?


This was not an infidelity situation. My parents were just rude controlling jerks who wanted to be involved in lots of our decisions after we got married. Dr. Harley told us to not attempt to reconcile unless 1) they apologized, and 2) Prisca felt enthusiastic about it. After about two years of almost zero contact, my father has finally apologized, and we have resumed email contact. Hopefully at some point they will get to meet the rest of their grandchildren. But I won't let them be a danger to our marriage any more.

I would do exactly the same if infidelity were the issue. It would just have to happen, for recovery.


I think it's more important to discuss this with your husband than it is to discuss it with them. Have you told him yet that you are not okay with him going to see them any more? Is he on board with the Policy of Joint Agreement?

My mother forgave my wife for her affair very quickly because I asked her to. She also knows for better than 15 years my wife's flaws and shortcomings as well as she knows mine. So, in my opinion, a parent is wired for forgiveness about as well as they are for protecting their kid.

However, the key component is that I forgave my wife and that told my mother that she is to forgive her.

This is only between you and Mr. 15. Harmony with his family is a plus but recovery is to start with you two.

fifteen, there is a chapter on inlaws in Love Busters and a chapter in His Needs, Her Needs for Parents. I would recommend checking those out, together with your husband.

Thanks MSS and Markos!!

I have both books and we are actually reading LB right now. I will plan on reading that chapter this week and sharing with my H.

As Easter is approaching I still find myself conflicted over the incident with my in laws. I still feel hurt and have not gotten an apology from them. I did express how hurt I was to my H. While he did give his mother the cold shoulder for a few days there has been no other talk about it.

My MILs way of dealing with problems has always been to ignore them, blame them on someone else, or buy her way back into your heart. This is what she is already doing with my DD. She is only ten and I did not want to be the bad guy and tell her that she could not see her grandmother.

My DS however will not speak to her and refuses to go over to there house on Easter. My MIL is oblivious to this and thinks that everything is okay because my H has not indicated otherwise.

A part of me wants to tell my H that unless his mother apologizes properly and excepts that I am coming, that none of us will be there on Easter. Another part of me says that this is selfish (LB-selfish demands) and I am acting just as bad as her by not allowing my H and DD to decide for themselves.

I not sure what to do. I want to have a good Easter holiday (we have not had a good holiday in a long time) but the issue needs to be resolved.

Any advice?

I still agree with this!

Not much more I can add!

"A part of me wants to tell my H that unless his mother apologizes properly and excepts that I am coming, that none of us will be there on Easter. Another part of me says that this is selfish (LB-selfish demands) and I am acting just as bad as her by not allowing my H and DD to decide for themselves."

Your first instinct is the right one. There is no way your family should attend until and unless that banshee apologizes to you. And absolutely your family should not go unless you are included.

Why don't you all spend the day at home and forgo all that drama?

That is exactly what we did!

We decided to create new family traditions. So we brainstormed and now have some beautiful memories over the past 4+ years of holidays (drama free).

Did your BH/WH apologize to your parents for hurting you with his RA?

Anyway, you had a PA on your BH and expect your MIL to not be mad at you?

Then your MIL is suppose to apologize?

Like son like mom. You had a PA. Where did your BH learn growing up that getting revenge was ok to even the score.

Then you expect your MIL to condem her son for having a RA?

It's never right to have a RA. You let your emotions (PA) control you and so did your BH/WH. You owe each other apologies but that's about it.

Dr Harley's advice is for the couple to withdraw from in-law situations where the in-laws show disrespect. If the couple has decided to rebuild the marriage then the in-laws have the choice to either respect their decision - or to risk not seeing the couple ( and their children) until they do.

This BH should stand up for his wife and not put her in a position where his mother can treat her appallingly. Dr Harley has advised this to members here, and also states that he would never treat his own SIL and DIL badly should they ever have an affair and return to the marriage. People cannot treat in-laws badly and still expect to see them - and the children that come with them.

How did today go? What'd you guys decide to do? Been thinking about you today, hope everything went well.

BH should stand up but what has this WW done to repair things with inlaws?

In my opinion, WW does not need to repair or apologize to her in-laws. She isn't married to them; she is married to her husband. She does not need their forgiveness. The way to repair, if at all, is to focus on her marriage and rebuilding. The unfaithful behavior was awful, however, it is also said in the material that basic needs have not been met to drive a person down this path. Should the WW explain to her in-laws that her husband (their son) has committed marital cruelty by withholding the basic needs that he promised her when they exchanged their wovs? If her husband has agreed to rebuild and they are making progress then they must honor their son's wishes. They must not interfere with hostility toward her, in my view. They should respect his wishes and show her courtesy as part of that respect.