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A reminder to posters that the purpose of our forum is to help posters with Dr. Harley's views. It is not to promote personal philosophies. Please help this poster with MB concepts or refrain from posting.
Thank you all..
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***EDIT***
Last edited by Ariel; 03/18/12 02:43 PM. Reason: TOS: Challenging a moderator
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Please realise we DO understand your Hs pain and that's why we understand that one has nothing to do with the other.
We BSs all felt our world end.. Bt we did not lash out that way.
Please get responsible help. It does not mean that you can't face up to your own consequences. Insisting on safety will HELP him and protect you.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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**EDIT**
moderators note: stop disrupting this thread!!!
Last edited by Fireproof; 03/18/12 06:00 PM. Reason: TOS non MB advice
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removed
Last edited by IHurtHim; 03/19/12 08:42 PM.
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CALL THE POLICE.
No matter what his reasons for being angry and unstable, he is still angry and unstable. With your children.
You can make amends and resolve your affair damage AFTER your h gets help.
Seriously, how can you do recovery with someone slapping you around?
That is not a normal reaction for a BH
He is responsible for keeping his family safe under ALL circumstances.
Did your children witness the assault? Do they know?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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removed
Last edited by IHurtHim; 03/19/12 08:42 PM.
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I do not understand how I can call the police after the fact. Yes, the children have seen the abuse. Your children have seen the abuse and can speak to the police. I do not see how he could ever trust me again if I call the police. He should NEVER trust you to cover up his domestic violence. He should have full trust that you will have him thrown in jail for hitting you. I will spend the next day reading on this site. When I was at home I could not find enough time. I hope I will find some answers. I hope he comes and finds some. Ihurt, we gave you the answers. You don't need to search. You need to listen. Dr Harley recommends at LEAST a one year separation when there has been domestic violence. And only reconciling IF your husband has completed a program for anger management and made a radical change in how he approaches frustration. You should not even consider reconciling until you are assured that he has changed. I am not a very strong person obviously. Strength is a CHOICE. And you have made a choice based on STRENGTH by removing yourself from the situation. The next step is to report him to the police for domestic violence and support him in getting the help he needs.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I do not understand how I can call the police after the fact. Yes, the children have seen the abuse. It is your responsibility to ensure you remove them from his care. He is in no fit state to consider them or he would not have terrified them in that way. You can call the police, of course you can. You must. I do not see how he could ever trust me again if I call the police. If you do the right thing, get help for him, protect your children and refuse to be abused then he will trust you to do the right thing, get help for him, protect your children and refuse to be abused. I am not a very strong person obviously. Decide to be. Do the necessary things while your hands shake if need be. Strong feelings follow strong actions. Speak to someone who can help. Please. For your children.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I got the messages. Thank you.
Last edited by IHurtHim; 03/19/12 03:15 AM.
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He would not hit his children in a way that would hurt them physically. GASP! He would hit them.
Me 58: FWH (NC 32 yr), W 60, married 36 yr, DD 32
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He would not hit his children in a way that would hurt them physically. GASP! He would hit them. How long has he been abusive, intimidating, yelling, threatening, hitting, throwing things etc? Are your children scared of him? Are you? GET THEM SOMEWHERE THEY FEEL SAFE, NOW. Does he withold money etc from you? As MelodyLane says its's at least a year's cure for this type of behaviour assuming there is a part of him willing to be a good, safe husband. If you are serious about helping him, shouldn't you get moving?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I do not see how he could ever trust me again if I call the police. He should NEVER trust you to cover up his domestic violence. He should have full trust that you will have him thrown in jail for hitting you. Quoted for truth.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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A physically violent unfaithful spouse In every instance of physical violence in marriage, I have recommend separation along with a restraining order to prevent any contact between spouses. No one who has followed my advice under my direct supervision has ever experienced injury in the 35 years of my counseling tens of thousands of couples. And I have counseled some of the most violent spouses. If a wife tells me that her husband has a history of physical violence toward her, and she's discovered his affair, I suggest that she make immediate plans for a complete separation. Generally, I refer her to a shelter for abused women. After the separation is complete, and she is safe, I recommend exposure of the affair. Plan A is ruled out, and plan B is followed (no contact between spouses). Contact is restored only after the violent husband has enrolled in an anger management program, has no contact with the lover, and is willing to begin a program of marital reconciliation. This is from Dr. H himself, from this How to Survive and Affair
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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What does Dr H say about a spouse who was not physically abusive until after he finds out about his wife's affair?
That would be more salient in this case.
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What does Dr H say about a spouse who was not physically abusive until after he finds out about his wife's affair?
That would be more salient in this case. He says to call the police and to separate for a year. Keep in mind this husband has known about the affair for months. This is not a matter of a BS just finding out and lashing out. I understand your point about adultery being abusive, but that is not relevant to the current situation. She has STOPPED committing adultery.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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**edit**
Last edited by Fireproof; 03/19/12 05:12 PM. Reason: TOS disrupting thread
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I agree, safety yes. The question is, is this a recurrent pattern, or a one-time event? Was he pushed beyond his means to cope, or is this his pattern of control?
I believe it does matter. EE, it is quite easy to find the answer to your question by reading the thread. Why don't you do so? This poster has shown that the arguments and fighting are recurrent. Her H is repeatedly abusive. You are very determined to make the point that she should take this abuse, because she struck first by having an affair. This is dangerous advice for you to give. This woman is being attacked repeatedly by her H and she needs to be assured of her safety before any rebuilding is considered.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I had an affair with a man at work last summer. My husband found out because I made a joke about wanting to sleep with guys at the office which lead to an angry exchange and me confessing to my affair. The affair was 3 months and we slept with each other once on a business trip that I did really have to go on but did to have the night together.
When I told my husband I slept with the man I could see his heart breaking. I honestly did not know that I could hurt him so much. We had good sex but I had grown so apart from him that I did not know how much I meant to him.
It has been a rough road since he found out. We have had some of the most amazing moments. But when he imagines me in bed with the other man he turns into the incredible hulk. He gets so angry and physical. Things had gotten better in the last couple month in that he would at least control his anger enough to wait until the kids were not around. But in the last couple days he has had no control. In between his rage he still caresses me.
He told me to leave today (not the first time). He said he cannot live with someone who choose another man over him. I have absolutely no connection with the other man and have felt nothing for him since a couple months after everything came out.
I do not want to give up. We have kids but that is not why I do not want to give up. I believe we have something that cannot be found somewhere else. The description of these rages was written in the present tense. They are ongoing. Things improved in the last couple of months in that the H would not abuse her in front of the kids (big whoop - this implies that he still did it, just when they were not around). Now the raging in front of the kids has returned. Ongoing. Present tense. More than once. More than twice. More than a couple of months of this. FYI.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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What does Dr H say about a spouse who was not physically abusive until after he finds out about his wife's affair?
That would be more salient in this case. Dr. H is remarkably intolerant of any angry outbursts whatsoever for any reason, even this one. And I think he's right to be that way. I like myself when held to that standard. Excuse me, I have to go catch a child having an angry outburst. Seriously...
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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