Hi All,

I'm new and I guess you could say I'm in long term recovery. Background: About 8 yrs. ago H had an EA of sorts with someone he met on the job. He was a driver at the time and this lady was an employee of a company on his route. He said that it only went as far as kissing her.

We went through a rough spell about 3 yrs. ago because he came into FB contact with an ex GF from his past. Actually she was just a friends with benefits type deal, but anyway...He lied to me about who she was at first and then when I confronted him about it he confessed who she was. During this time he also confessed about the above mentioned EA.

It happened yrs earlier, but it was as if he just did it. He was willing to give me many details, but since it had been so long ago there was only so much that he could remember. (Just want to mention that I get "I don't remember" quite often on various things from H) I've never gotten the full disclosure of details to even come to terms with closure. So at this point, since its been some time, I have come to terms with it for the most part, but still cannot let it go completely.

We had a few marriage counseling sessions at the time of finding out, but it was basically summed up by the counselor that we had a "maintenance" problem. Which I agreed with and still do. I keep trying to think back during the time of the A to find where I went wrong so I know what definite mistakes to correct. I think I have a pretty good idea. Basically communication between H & I was faulty. He went his way, I went mine. He was tempted. And you get the rest.

Now I find my marriage is right back in that rut again. This time though, I am trying to keep from going back down that same road but it is hard. I feel as if I'm the one putting forth all of the effort and he's the one who benefits from it.

I'm still so insecure from the past. I know this is my problem, but H really isn't helping in this dept. He tries to be discreet about looking at other women (he says that its not a sexual thing anymore, just a pleasure to see a beautiful woman), but I can still tell and it kills me. He did tell me that when he was having the fling with the OW that she was prettier than me. This hurt me probably more than anything. When I mention it to him to make him aware of it, he minimizes it or thinks I'm being irrational.

Sometimes I feel like a crazy woman because of all of this. I should be completely past this after 3 yrs right? But here I am. I think it would have hurt me less if he would have gone all the way and just slept with a prostitute than for there to be any emotional part going on on his part. He liked how this woman made him feel inside.

I no longer have triggers per say and I don't think really all that much of the EA anymore (I used to be obsessed), but what's triggering now is the fact that H and I are going through a spell right now that coincides with how he made me feel when I found out about the EA. He is an avoider. He will not talk to me about his innermost being. This is a major need for me. Intimate conversation. I feel like he hides himself from me. I feel like he compares me to other women even unintentionally. He doesn't care to investigate me any further because he feels that he already knows all there is to know about me. I wrote him a letter stating my feelings. I stated to him that I could volunteer any information about myself that I wanted him to know, but it does no good because I feel as if he would be uninterested anyway. As I said he doesn't seem to care to investigate me anymore and hasn't for a very long time.

H is good to me in most other areas of our marriage, but he fails to see that he's not meeting my most important need and its just draining me. If I complain he sees it as nagging and gets angry with me. He may do things better for a few days but then he goes right back to the same way as before. I feel like we are in a no win situation here.

This has all just really been so frustrating. I don't feel comfortable even talking about it with people who are close to me because I feel that I would be disrespecting H. It should be in the past by now, but it isn't completely.

Sorry this became such a long post. Thanks for any feedback you can give.

Hi there,
I can hear the frustration in your words, I think you think there isn't any hope but there is.
Read everything you can on this site an educate yourself with the options you do have.
Your husband was emotionally connected to the other woman because he was attached to the feeling of having his needs met.......
You need to figure out what he needs and start letting him see a different woman and this might take some time......
**edit**
My husband was like yours was also an avoider and not real open with who he was or what he needed........he has done a complete change.......It isn't impossible.
spending at least 15 hours together doing things together and just talking during those times is a good start.......
Give him someone new to know, look good, smell good, put your sexy on, be playful.......be who he fell in love with
You are here, talk to the great folks here, call Dr. Harley..........

Hi Purple, welcome to Marriage Builders. I highlighted the reasons above why your marriage has never recovered. And will never recover unless you dramatically change these things. In order to save a marriage after an affair, the marriage has to be affair proofed and the romantic love re-created. "Communication" is not the problem in your marriage. It is that you have both fallen out of love. Additionally, your husband has terrible boundaries around women which leave you rightly "insecure." You are insecure for a valid reason: your marriage is at risk and you know it. Gawking at women is extremely disrespectful to you and it poses a risk to your marriage.

My suggestion to you would be to learn this program and take active steps to implement these concepts. Present the program to your husband and tell him this is what it will take to keep you in the marriage. A spouse who REFUSES to make dramatic changes after an affair is practicing ABUSE and Dr Harley would recommend that you separate. The reason is because his disrespectful, abusive behavior will wear you down emotionally and physically.

I would start with the book, Surviving an Affair. Learn the program and then PRESENT it to your husband. If he refuses to repair your damaged marriage, then you should look into Dr Harley's suggestions in When to Call It Quits - Part 1

Here is what it will take to recover your marriage: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2311122#Post2311122

Hi Melody,

Thanks for responding with such detailed info.

I want to make sure that I'm painting my DH with the right brush so please allow me to clarify a little more. He doesn't gawk at other women, he notices them but tries to be discreet so that he doesn't hurt me more. I know this is basic male makeup. But I've become so sensitive about it that I immediately can tell when it happens. That's why I say that I know this is my problem. I'm asking him to stop doing something that he was created to do. He explained how he used to think when he looked at other women...in a lustful way. Now he says that he doesn't look in a lustful way, its just noticing, turning his eye, and nothing more. Unless he's lying about his thoughts. He has tried to tell me that I'm the only one he has eyes for now and that I'm the most beautiful woman in the world to him, but it just seems so fake. Like he's telling me because he is supposed to tell me or almost like he's trying to convince himself instead of me. Does that make sense? Its hard to explain, but I have wondered if it was just me or if it was because my judgement is impaired to an extent.

We started taking steps to affair-proof our marriage 3 yrs ago when all of this came out. I'm allowed access to passwords, email, etc. He pretty much has completed all of the criteria except for giving me every single detail (he's given me a good bit so far) that I ask for, but he says that's because he cannot remember that far back and doesn't even want to remember that time anymore at this point. I've often wondered if too much time has passed for it to be useful for me to know all of the remaining details if he could remember. The other exception is intimate conversation. We go out to dinner and do not talk. I watch him eat and he watches every distraction in the room, not just the women. He says he doesn't know what to talk about. I have told him that it would just be nice to talk about us like we used to do early on in our marriage. Then he tells me that he already knows everything there is to know. He's very nonconfrontational and will avoid a confrontation at all costs when I try to get him to work on our marriage problems. This leaves me frustrated.

Things haven't always been bad the last 3 years. We've had many positives. But when the going gets rough, its not just rough, its stonewalled. We are at an impasse right now and I have no more left in my love bank to offer him.

If there is anything more that would be useful, feel free to ask.

Oh I have read "His needs, Her Needs". I've gone through parts of this website and gotten some really helpful info already. I will get the book you suggested also.

PN, I would also pick up the workbook Five Steps to Romantic Love and use those lessons. I can tell that your husband has fallen out of love and that is largely because you don't spend enough time together. It takes 20 hours of undivided attention to create romantic love and 15 hours to maintain it.

And your husband can and should break his habit of looking at other women. He can train himself to do that. This is a problem he should solve. My husband doesn't look at other women and if he did I would tell him to knock it off.