Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 3 1 2 3
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492
Originally Posted By: HopefulNC

Part of it is that I'm really high energy, planner, and always going. He's much more low key, doesn't plan things as much. We need to learn to utilize both of our strengths, but this creates some frustrations between us.


Thats great that you can see that. Build on each others strengths and support each others weaknesses. Use both to your advantage. If we were all the same then we wouldnt need a partner!.

And you are right (and i have to remind myself sometimes too, actually alot) from that video on the link i posted.

"My response is my responsibility"



Also you said your gaining weight? 80% of weight loss is a lifestyle change in diet. I myself have lost 20lbs since xmas (i am 6'1" and currently 180lbs but was 203lbs right after xmas and most of what i have done is cut carbs and sugars out of my die (except on weekends when i take kids out for a treat or have a few glasses of wine). THen once in a while i hop on the treadmill ... started at 15mins .. and worked my way up to 45 mins at 6mph.

Glad to see your in better spirits.

Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,119
Likes: 1
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,119
Likes: 1
Check that phone record, HiNC.

And no, MNG, this is not mah wife.

My wife posted under the name of NeverGoBack. >.<


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492
Yeah .. she corrected me .. I am not sure what gave me that impression. Sorry for the confusion.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,230
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,230
Likes: 2
When is the plan to be living in the same state?

After you get married?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
V
Member
OP Offline
Member
V
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
When is the plan to be living in the same state?

After you get married?


We live in the same state now. He has a job where he leaves Sunday and comes home on Wednesday or Thursday. he's all over the Eastern Seaboard.

We're legally married now and have a leased house near my job and a house we own two hours southwest of here. The house we own is home for us and we're planning to move back this summer because he's not happy where we currently are.


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
V
Member
OP Offline
Member
V
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
HHH I'm going to check it on Monday.


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,230
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,230
Likes: 2
You do know what Dr. Harley says about spending nights apart?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
V
Member
OP Offline
Member
V
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
You do know what Dr. Harley says about spending nights apart?


I do, I do, I do.

That's the biggest stumbling block we have, and we did financial aid stuff last night for him to go back to school - he's going to get his electrical license and plans to quit his job once we're down to one residence. But, he's agreed to plans to come off the road many times and they don't work out for some reason.


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,230
Likes: 2
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,230
Likes: 2
Originally Posted By: HopefulNC
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
You do know what Dr. Harley says about spending nights apart?


I do, I do, I do.

That's the biggest stumbling block we have, and we did financial aid stuff last night for him to go back to school - he's going to get his electrical license and plans to quit his job once we're down to one residence. But, he's agreed to plans to come off the road many times and they don't work out for some reason.


So what's your plan to get over this block? If he won't quit the job and quit being away on nights, it's going to be very tough.

Trust me I know.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
These are the same problems, the same situations, that you brought here in 2010. When he comes "home", does he come to your house or his? You described his house as unliveable in 2010. Has that changed?

You call it your house, but you said it was his before you, and you have an admittedly questionable marriage.

Are the houses in different states? Is his house in SC and your rental in NC? Where are the horses? Why so many cats? 7 cats is ridiculous on a rental property, but understandable on a farm...


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786
Originally Posted By: HopefulNC


I also told him that threatening to leave is *not* anything you say unless you mean it - it's abusive to make threats like that and it he wants to make those threats he can leave.


He shouldn't threaten to divorce ... it is way of telling you at this time something is not working and you are the cause of his unhappiness. Will you please answer my questions ... Is this his first marriage? Does he have any children?

You lies by omission and having to drag the truth out of you are huge redflagredflag ... Please be up front and honest with your situation so we can help you.

Right now I would Plan A ... no nights apart ever ... up UA time to 25+ hours. Your ship is sinking quickly here.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
V
Member
OP Offline
Member
V
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
CWMI -

The house in the mountains is in both names. It is a small farm, 11 acres, with two horses in the front yard, and 7 cats. The other house the deed is just in his name, but I've been added to all of the utilities now. It is liveable, it's still in renovation, but we've put a lot of work into it. When he comes home he comes to the mountain house until Friday or Saturday, then we usually go home to the other house for the weekend. Doesn't matter which way I'm headed, they're both home to me. I'm always going home. crazy

The houses are both in NC.

We started out with 2 cats, when my roommate passed she had no family and had 5 cats. We did not want them to go to the shelter and took them. I would like to go down to 3 cats, but he's not enthusiastic about finding homes for them. We would both like to find a home for one horse, but the market is tight and he's an older horse with a bad history.

Aside from the job, we are in a much better place than we were in 2010. We do use POJA, we did get our UA time. This past summer prior to bring the horses home I spent at least a night a week in the hotel with him, if he was within 2 or 3 hours. Sometimes I'd take PTO and fly out to spend a day or so with him, and drive back. I did get baptised (finally!) early last summer. He had his AO under control until recently, we both had our DJ under control. We were consistently meeting each other's needs.

I've mentioned that I can't have kids due to my health. We sought a second opinion and we've been dealing with the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctors and now are going through the Repro unit for all kinds of testing to see why I've had 3 miscarriages. There is a very high risk of complications and a higher risk of death for me than for the average pregnancy due to my health. He wants to wait a year to try to have get pregnant and I want to do it now while I'm in remission. He says I've been slightly obcessive over the baby thing lately and we need to both have jobs in town that are stable, have one residence, etc... prior to trying to get pregnant. Our docs are also encouraging us to do it now because I am in remission and it's much safer for me now. I'm also in transition at work, our building is closing, I've been told I have a job, but there's nothing official.

He told me the night after we signed he lease in the mountains that he hated it here and wanted to move back home. I'm fine with that, but we can't afford to buy out of the lease here and agreed to move at the end of our lease - July 2012. One of my horses is making the move this month, we're starting to move our stuff already. I'm considering keeping my job and commuting (160 miles roundtrip), trying to work from home full time if it's an option with my current company, or looking for something back home. Last night he did agree that we have POJA'ed most everything, I've been honest with him, I've met his needs, and he's done the same in return.


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
V
Member
OP Offline
Member
V
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
Originally Posted By: PrayIncessantly
Originally Posted By: HopefulNC


I also told him that threatening to leave is *not* anything you say unless you mean it - it's abusive to make threats like that and it he wants to make those threats he can leave.


He shouldn't threaten to divorce ... it is way of telling you at this time something is not working and you are the cause of his unhappiness. Will you please answer my questions ... Is this his first marriage? Does he have any children?



I'm sorry, I thought I had answered this earlier -

First marriage for him, first relationship at all for me. Together 5 years next month. There are no children. We as a couple have lost 3 in the first trimester.

He told me last night he is unhappy with -

my pushing him to make decisions
My pushing him to agree with me
me working the hours I work

We were looking for him a job in the mountains, but he's unhappy here and we decided to move home. So, we decided he would look for a job back home this summer. The job market is terrible back home, the highest unemployment rates in our state and above the national average. So, he's going back to school this summer, getting his electrical license, and finding a job doing that. We are looking for him a job in that field now as an apprentice, but I cannot get out of my lease in the moutains, so we're stuck with two properties until the end of July. I am looking for a job back home and campaigning at work to be allowed to work from home a few days a week so I can stay with my current job. We agreed I need to cut my OT this summer as well, I'm working consistent 60 hour weeks as a minimum, most weeks it's closer to 70 hours.


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
V
Member
OP Offline
Member
V
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
The phone records are completely fine. There were two things that increased his minutes -

1 - My work number was not under friends and family, so when he called me at work on his lunch our it was using our anytime minutes.
2 - When we went out of town for Vday his phone was dead and he had to work the first day, so we traded phones. My boss needed me, so I called her from his phone, which I had charged up by then and spent over two hours on the phone with her.

We're still trying to work on the job situation. Something has got to give.

We spent Saturday working on our house, working on our resumes, and then went and bought shingles and a lawn mower through POJA. I got to show off my negotiating skills and got us a great deal on the shingles we really wanted but couldn't afford. laugh

Last edited by HopefulNC; 03/19/12 10:19 AM.

Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Do you want to have a happy marriage, or do you just want to moan and groan? It is OK either way. I just moan and groan. Everybody here knows so they don't waste their time responding to my posts.

But figure out what you want. If you want a happy marriage to this guy, then it will require work on both your parts and change on both your parts. Are you willing to work and change? Are you willing to insist he work and change? If so, great, I urge you to follow the advice here at MB and build a satisfying marriage. If not, you can join me in living h3ll. Just don't say I didn't warn you.


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
V
Member
OP Offline
Member
V
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
If he's not off the road by July 1st I plan to go into plan B. I will plan A my rear off until then.

DH has a class act resume. I spent hours on it and so far, it's generated some interest. He said he doesn't care what he's doing as long as he's home every night.

If he's not home every night the rest of the MB program is irrelevant at this point, IMO. We love each other (or say we do), I am passionate and happy with him, and when I meet his needs he's happy with me. I'm failing meeting his needs because of my job, I'm being difficult, and we're not spending any time together.


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,551
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,551
Hopeful, Plan A isn't being successful at meeting his needs, it's demonstrating a willingness to meet his needs. Plan Aing your tush off will give you a bad last impression. Better to make the best memories you can for both of you.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
V
Member
OP Offline
Member
V
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
I thought Plan A was meeting his needs as best I can?

Hopefully he'll get a job and it won't be an issue.


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
V
Member
OP Offline
Member
V
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
I probably should have this combined with my original thread, but here goes.

We've reread the books and discussed things.

New job or no job he's off the road as of July 31st. We will have one residence then and he's having surgery on the 31st and will be out of work 3 months after his surgery. He will not be going back to his current job. He will put his notice in prior to his surgery if he has not changed jobs. We can make it on my income, it'll be tight, but doable after July 31st.

This is a set in stone date for us and will not be renegotiated.

We're moving over the next 3 months, my commute will suck, but we'll be together every night. I don't know at this point if I'll keep my job long term or change to something closer. I have to maintain my salary or go higher for us to afford him to be home while he heals, which isn't hard in my industry - I took a pay cut to come to this company, my OT brings me back to what I made in the private sector. I have a job interview where I'll be making more next weekend. However, to chagne prior to his surgery I need to make sure our benefits will be in effect by the time of his surgery.

So, in 3 short months we need to move and he'll be off the road.

Now - my hesistation, and I've shared this with him is that we had a very unhealthy relationship when we lived in our other house. I don't want to go back to that. I have different friends and a different lifestyle and I've grown up, but I'm still concerned. I have no contact with a lot of my old friends that were wild/swingers/not friends of marriage and caused us problems. I just worry that things will change when we move back home.


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 235
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 235
Good news, Hopeful! I'm rooting for you!

Don't worry about the past, just create a different future.

Page 2 of 3 1 2 3

Link Copied to Clipboard
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 55 guests, and 71 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Man in Dallas, NHgirl66, Hibiscus_22, Isaiah46.4, Ethereal15
71,607 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,512
Posts2,322,342
Members71,607
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5