I explained in my first post that DH is an avoider. He also uses the response of "I don't remember" when I ask questions of him. Not just about our marriage, but of many things in general. I don't know if he is telling the truth about not remembering things or if he uses it as a cover up. I suspect it's probably about 50/50. Sometimes it does seem as if he has a bad memory.

Is it acceptable for me to require of him that "I don't remember" is not an appropriate response as far as transparency goes?

"I dont remember".

That pretty much is the answer I got for too many of my questions I posed to my wife. Is it possible she doesnt remember details I was curious about? I guess.

Is she protecting me from hurt? Probably.

After I got as much detail about her A that I could stomach early on, I would sometimes break rules and ask another question. Some were fairly tame like, 'did you and your boyfriend frequently drink during your dates?' others were a bit more intrusive. The more intrusive, the more I got I dont remember.

How should I take that answer to 'when was the first time you had sex with him?'? Or, 'how ofter did you satisy him'?

Getting the I DONT KNOWs to these type of questions would send me into a fit.

Recovery dictates I stop asking and move on. However, it doesnt stop my coming up with my own answers and I usually hate what I come up with. Mostly, I like to think if she in fact doesnt remember, then that relationship really meant nothing to her. She remembers our first date and our first SF and a lot of other things I dont. On the other hand, how could someone not remember some of this stuff she put herself through???

I try to redirect that energy into other things. That is a thing only time will allow.

Coming from a WW's viewpoint, sometimes it not that we "don't know" it is that it is too painful or shameful to remember. I do try to answer all of my H's questions honestly no matter how painful it is but sometimes I do feel that I have blocked out memories of that foggy person that I was.

I am not trying to do it to hurt my spouse but I don't want to remember the time because it is just as painful for me to remember as well.

I can see how I don't knows can be hurtful and if they are an LB for you, your husband needs to know this and try to change this pattern. Talk to him using RH and come to a joint resolution that your both satisfied with. I have found these two tools have worked wonders for my marriage.

I hope this helps!!

Is it an excuse? Maybe.

I would think that "adulterer's amnesia" has a possible cause of having referential context removed.

The emotions associated with memories aren't recalled, because the emotions associated with those memories have changed. The emotions associated with affair events, associated with the AP have been flipped.

That can fuzz memory.