I am here again, yet another screwup on how to handle this marriage. I read on here all the time, I know what to do. I didn't get husband's phone over the weekend to back it up, planned on doing it this Wed. when I visit him. (see my thread in Op. Investigate). However, tonight we started arguing on the phone about something and he didn't want to hear anything about my feelings. I let it out that it hurts me that he has told me I should trust him and stay off his phone etc.
He insists he's not hiding anything, even said I can check anything I want, but he's sick of feeling "like a criminal". I reminded him that I had given him all my passwords etc. when he was feeling insecure, why wouldn't he want to do that for me?
I've been working on cleaning up my side of the street for months. It has helped a bit, but overall it's his needs getting met and he really doesn't see why mine aren't met just by how things have improved for him.
I'm ready now to tell him that I'm going to need him to agree to conditions in order for me to continue in the marriage. If you'll recall, I had found porn and then that he had visited personal ads on craigslist before. My initial list:
1. No more nights apart
2. He gives me all passwords, access to everything etc.
3. He commits to the MB program, the online coaching program at least and probably some sessions with Steve as well to get started.
4. No more drinking alone. He's been drinking nightly for the past year or so when he is alone out there. He never gets "drunk" when we are together and out, but I'd like alcohol to be much less involved in our UA time.
5. This is part of the MB program, but I need him to POJA his activities. He is involved in many IBs such as golf and refuses to consider my feelings on this.
My question, am I going overboard without enough proof? I see texts that I'm unable to find out where they are to/from because of how he has his phone set up. But his protectiveness of the phone along with curious times that I see texts etc. make me fairly sure something is going on. If nothing is, am I being unreasonable to proceed with the above?
Am I leaving anything else out?
Please don't give up on me. I know I've had several false starts, I've chickened out before, but I want to be strong this time and come out with a better marriage or Plan B so I can get healthy.
We are just about to commit to moving out to where he is working, uprooting the kids from jobs/family/friends, and I don't want to do that if he is not serious about this marriage and my feelings/needs.
