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The affair was 2 weeks, 2 sexual encounters, she has known him since high school, married to him for 1 year before we got together, 45 minutes away, works for county gov't as a highway worker.

She had ended it BEFORE I found out.

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Originally Posted By: looking_for_help

I know who he is, how it came about, he's not married, we have not exposed it because in OUR case there is no need. It is OVER and DONE. Now please just let me know whether we can move past this or whether I need to find another place to get some help and support.


WE are trying to give you support. If you will listen, we can help. We can't help if you don't. You can't sweep this affair under the rug and hope to recover your marriage.

And of course it needs to be exposed. That is the first step towards recovery.
Originally Posted By: Dr Harley
As you already know, Im a strong advocate of honesty and openness in marriage. I call it transparencyletting your spouse know everything about you, especially your faults. But should that level of openness carry into the public arena? I believe that it should in cases of extreme irresponsibility, and that certainly includes infidelity. When you have done something very hurtful to someone else, others -- especially those who care for you the most -- should know about it. Such exposure helps prevent a recurrence of the offense. Your closest friends and relatives will be keeping an eye on youholding you accountable.
here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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ML,

Believe me when I say I am NOT sweeping this under the rug. We are dealing with this. But the reason this happened is because she lost the feelings for me. That is the cause of the affair, not the other way around.

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Originally Posted By: looking_for_help
I know you can help, but no one seems to believe me when I say that all contact has ended! She has agreed to repair what has been broken.

I don't know how else to say it and it's very frustrating that I can't get my questions answered because we keep coming back to this.

I know the program here works but no one can tell me that EVERY situation is the exact same. I don't know how else to tell everyone and make them believe that all contact has ended and she has agreed to work things out. What am I neglecting to say that would make this believable?

I know this site and the posters here can help, but it is very frustrating that I can't get anyone past this sticking point. What else do you need me to say about it?


It goes far BEYOND ending no contact, if she has ended it as you say.

Looking_for_help, you want us to answer your questions and help you based on YOUR beliefs on how to fix a marriage.

You have so far disregarded all of our questions and do not seem to be implementing any MB concepts. Nobody here comes up with questions/plans based on our personal beliefs, it is based on proven MB techniques developed by those with experience saving marriages after affairs.

Do you want MB help or not? You can't get past this sticking point because it is the foundation to surviving an affair.

Please answer:

- Who is this OM? How did she know him?
- Have you exposed the affair properly?
- Have you investigated it on your own terms and not her word?

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Originally Posted By: looking_for_help
The affair was 2 weeks, 2 sexual encounters, she has known him since high school, married to him for 1 year before we got together, 45 minutes away, works for county gov't as a highway worker.

She had ended it BEFORE I found out.


That is a great first start! And how do you know it has ended? What are your snooping resources to ensure this has happened? How was she contacting him? Has that method of contact [email, facebook, etc] been eliminated?

The conditions that led to the affair should be eliminated. For example, if she contacted him via facebook, then she should delete her facebook account and commit to never being on the computer without you. Additionally, you would need full access to her cell phone and perhaps put a GPS on her car.

Did he come in your home while you were gone? Did he meet up with her at her sisters? Where did they meet?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: looking_for_help
The affair was 2 weeks, 2 sexual encounters, she has known him since high school, married to him for 1 year before we got together, 45 minutes away, works for county gov't as a highway worker.

She had ended it BEFORE I found out.


This is her ex husband?

Was she still married to him when she met you?

How do you know she is telling the truth? Did he tell you? Did she? Or did you find this out on your own?

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LFH-

I am a BS and not a vet on this board. However, I see many tendencies in you that I once had. You are in the same denial I was in once I found out about my FWW affair.

Please do yourself a favor and LISTEN to the folks on this board and take their advise.

The path I see you taking is setting yourself up for a False Recovery. Believe me, you don't want this. Our FR was more painful than the affair itself.

Now we are in full recovery but it took MB to make that happen. I firmly believe that MB is saving my marriage.

She is lying to you. You don't have the full picture.

If you don't believe us here, okay. Fine. But ask yourself these questions 'what is the potential cost of not taking the steps suggested here?' 'what is the potential benefit?'.




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The morning that I confronted her I told her my "requirements" if she had any plans to try to repair our marriage. She told me later that she called him THAT morning and told him that I said that they were to never talk, see or encounter each other again ever. Contrary to what everyone tells me...I believe her because there has not been anymore calls to his number and because she told me that was the truth.

She had the affair after she went to her sister's house while she had time to see him. She has no "spare" time while at home.

He did not come into my home because she knows that would have made things worse and there would be NO chance of repair. She met him at a hotel once and at his house once.

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Originally Posted By: looking_for_help
ML,

Believe me when I say I am NOT sweeping this under the rug. We are dealing with this. But the reason this happened is because she lost the feelings for me. That is the cause of the affair, not the other way around.


The reason the affair happened is because she has poor boundaries around men and, at a time when you were having trouble in your marriage, she allowed another man to meet her needs.

As long as she continues to have such poor boundaries around men, you can expect repeat affairs.

Once again, this is you applying meaning to something you don't understand, lfh. What you are doing is repeating fogbabble to us that I know came from your wife. Here is the "story" she gave you:

Wayward SPIN: "I feel completely out of love and moved out. After I moved out I met up with my XH and a romance blossomed."

TRUTH: "I started having an affair with an old lover and wanted to move out to continue my affair without interference. The affair was going on for much longer that I admitted to my husband is the REASON I moved out."

You obviously believe the SPIN and as such, are not comprehending the gravity of the problem. Your wife left you and your children so she could conduct an adulterous affair with this RAT FILTH. That is what happened.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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It is her ex from before we got together.

She was not married to him when we met.

I just know she's telling me the truth because we have discussed it multiple times and she knows that if she doesn't she will chance losing her family and children.

I found out on my own and confronted her. She broke down crying and told me the rest. She told me that she had already ended it with him before I found out because she realized that it was not what she wanted or was looking for. She realized that the real problem was that she had lost the "in love" feelings for me and thought she might find them elsewhere.

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Originally Posted By: looking_for_help
The morning that I confronted her I told her my "requirements" if she had any plans to try to repair our marriage. She told me later that she called him THAT morning and told him that I said that they were to never talk, see or encounter each other again ever. Contrary to what everyone tells me...I believe her because there has not been anymore calls to his number and because she told me that was the truth.


Let me think........... Didn't you make the mistake of "believing" her before? And yet here we are AGAIN. think

Is there a denial convention in town? crazy


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: lookingforhelp - 02/26/12 07:08 PM
I will have to say that I have asked her and I truely believe that she is not having an affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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How did their marriage end?

HAVE YOU EXPOSED THIS AFFAIR?

And finally... women do not abandon their newborn babies, children, and husbands for a brief accidental fling. You do NOT have the truth here.

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Originally Posted By: looking_for_help
The morning that I confronted her I told her my "requirements" if she had any plans to try to repair our marriage. She told me later that she called him THAT morning and told him that I said that they were to never talk, see or encounter each other again ever. Contrary to what everyone tells me...I believe her because there has not been anymore calls to his number and because she told me that was the truth.

She had the affair after she went to her sister's house while she had time to see him. She has no "spare" time while at home.

He did not come into my home because she knows that would have made things worse and there would be NO chance of repair. She met him at a hotel once and at his house once.



Exactly what my FWW said to me, LFH. laying down the law at this point will only get you so far. I did the same thing. FWW SWORE to never speak, see or communicate in any form or fashion. She knew it was over if I found out this was ever breeched.

Can you guess what happened next? It was all a lie and the affair simply went deeper underground for an additional 8 months after D-Day. Secret email accounts were set up and the affair continued while we were in what I believed to be recovery.

FWW accounted for all of her time during this. I always knew where she was. Fortunately for me, it was just email contact not physical (phew!). It all took place on her work computer which I couldnt monitor. Snooping again exposed this a final time.

I post this to simply share with you that all may not be as it seems.

Be wary my friend. Do not believe a word she says. Verify, validate, confirm. Repeat.

You can read story after story after story on this forum and learn from others mistakes. I fear you are setting yourself up for failure.

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I'm exhausted trying to make you believe me.

I understand that you all have more experience with this than I do.

It may turn out that I'm setting myself up for something but right now I am not agreeing with what's being said. The affair is over and she has ended contact.

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Originally Posted By: looking_for_help

She realized that the real problem was that she had lost the "in love" feelings for me and thought she might find them elsewhere.


She lost the "in love" feelings because she had a new point of comparison. She would not have known that unless she had something to compare it TO. It was her affair that created the loss of her love for you. She allowed that to happen by allowing another man to meet her emotional needs. And then she left you so she could carry on her affair.

One of your big mistakes has repeatedly been to believe her words instead of her actions. Your wife is a WAYWARD spouse and she will tell you anything to keep you off her back. You "believed" her before and she was lying. You did not learn from that mistake.

Instead of using blind belief, a better approach is to a) eliminate the conditions that led to the affair [her poor boundaries around men] and b) become a better snooper.

Becoming a better snooper will help you build trust and prevent a repeat affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: looking_for_help
I'm exhausted trying to make you believe me.

I understand that you all have more experience with this than I do.

It may turn out that I'm setting myself up for something but right now I am not agreeing with what's being said. The affair is over and she has ended contact.


Thats ok if you want to ignore us. Its all the same to me. What i will do is continue to post a few more posts and maybe when you get serious about saving your marriage, you will come back and read this thread. But whether you take the advice or not matters not to me. It is your marriage to lose, after all. I have already saved my marriage. smile


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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lfh, here is a post where Dr Harley explains what it takes to save a marriage - there is a very narrow path:

Originally Posted By: Dr Bill Harley
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be
your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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My stomach is in knots right now for you. The road you are choosing is the road to disaster.

ALL the answers you seek are right here, right now.

If I only knew then what I know now....things could have been so different.

Do yourself a favor and spend some time reading others stories on this forum. You just might see things differently and come back here with a different perspective.

Man, I am praying for your situation.

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So there was an affair, but it is over. However, the affair was never exposed. And your wife is opposed to exposure now, presumably because that would embarrass her. And there is no justification for shaming her now that she has apologized, correct? No reason for her to own how terribly she hurt you? No reason to elist all your family and mutual friends to be on guard against any contact between her and her affair partner? No reason to "innoculate" those around you who support your marriage to be on a hair trigger for signs she has relapsed? After all, just because she weakened in the past does not mean she is capable of being weak again? Right?


When you can see it coming, duck!
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