i think you did the best!

i am hoping he is writing his list of sins. i think that once he gives you the truth he will be free and really to do whatever it takes. including a poly- the next few days after i said what you basically did was quite interesting. he knew that i wouldnt take anymore and i hit my bottom. it was all or nothing to make it work. the thing that sealed the deal was after i got the list i kissed his head and thanked him for being honest- that killed him. i nearly threw up- but i went to bed and realized tomorrow was another day and more clairty would come.

but that was my experience. and we are doing well.

but the vets know more about what they have seen over the past.

you are really doing great, you need to get some sleep try tonite.

I don't know, sf. I think he has ALOT to hide because he has been living a secret second life for a very long time. I don't doubt that he is a serial cheater. And I don't doubt for 2 seconds that he had sex with OW 1 on the boat. There would have been nothing to stop him, after all. He has already crossed that line.

I am hopeful he will step up to the plate and be honest about it. It could go either way. And even if he doesn't decide this week to do it, he might decide to do it next week when he sees you are dead serious about this. I think he still has a small hope that he can get out of this and snow you back into silence. The problem now is that you know too much. No one would go to this much trouble to avoid a polygraph unless he was lying.

And unless he comes clean and makes a dramatic change in his life - so that he can't live a secret second life anymore - you will live a life of hell. So you have nothing to lose. You really don't. Other than a life of holy hell where this happens again and again and again. Your only hope of a good future with him is to keep your standards very high. That is the only way out of this. He either meets your standards or you are truly better off without him. And I sure hope he does meet your standards. This is what chickadee did and she is well on her way to recovery now. But she would have had nothing if she didn't do this.

I would give this a couple of weeks, and do a really great Plan A and then go very dark in a Plan B. Plan B is a separation where all communication is handled via an intermediary. It would be initiated by a Plan B letter where you tell him you love him, but in order reconcile he would have to be honest [take the polygraph] and find a non traveling job.

Agree with karmasrose completely. He's just testing your resolve, and you are proving with every counter move that you will not budge. Fantastic!

Right now he's cornered, and he knows it. You have taken control of the situation and he doesn't like it, but can find no way out of it, which is why he hasn't responded to your email. He's struggling and terrified of the truths he's hiding. Otherwise, he would have no problem with the poly. Hate to say it, but there's more coming, so brace yourself.

I really do hope I'm wrong for your sake. That being said, I also believe in hoping for the best but planning for the worst.

ITA with ML.

He is obviously lying. He wants to try to keep his secrets secret. In the past, you may have started out strong, but eventually caved into his demands, and he may think that he just needs to wait you out, and soon you'll come to your senses.

Does he know about MB? If he doesn't, I wouldn't tell him about it, just yet.

He doesn't realize that you have devised a PLAN, and that you have the wisdom of DrH, as well as countless of others whom have come before you on this very forum, helping guide you towards your goal.

You're a SUPERSTAR. You just need to keep doing what you are doing, and don't lower that bar. The worst thing you could do for you, your marriage, and especially your WH would be to allow him to coast through this.

Even if he refuses the polygraph now, it doesn't mean that your sitch is hopeless. You need to focus on how much better you will feel once this chapter is behind you, whichever way it turns out.

If you have a chance, take a look around at other people's threads. You'll see a lot of similarities and get advice you never considered.

Great work and keep it up.

as ml said be dead serious you have nothing to loose, really your husband is a liar and a cheat, you can provide him with an opportunity to get out of the hell hole he created and become a better person. but dont let him drag you down the hole with him. you have nothing to loose. i looked it as i could walk away from this but i would regret that i didnt try... but if he didnt i knew-- i did my best and i would have no regrets.

i am dead serious and i will not accept anything less, it took me some time to get that but when i did i was empowered.

i dont post to many, but i see so many similar things i have to relay my drama as it may help. you are so much further along than i was.

my most useful advice for YOU each day, SLEEP!, water, get up, get showered, put on a nice outfit and know you can do this either way. i promise.. Listen to all the vets here they know what steps you must take.

also what are your ages?
and children?

did i miss that, sorry?

u can add it to your signature by going to "my stuff"

We are both 36, no children (infertility past 2 1/2 years)

Am I still able to do Plan A when he isn't even in the house? We aren't speaking right now... 1 text from each of us today and that is it.

All of your stories and advice are greatly appreciated!!! Thank you!!!

I got a key logger last night and installed it.

I did get a little bit of sleep and feel so nauseous this morning.

I'm not sure how plan A is supposed to work when he is not in our home.

Here is the text i received this morning (still no response about polygraph)...

I'm very optimistic that we can get through this, but we both need a few days to get our heads back on straight, get rest, and hopefully we can both make good decisions for our future after that. I want to talk to a counselor and I'm going to pursue that. I still love you (my name) very much.

did you respond?

No, I didn't respond, but he called me this morning to let me know that he would give me a new credit card. He also told me that he was on his way to the dr. for full panel STD testing. This was one of the criteria that I had for him. I told him that he knew what he needed to do and I couldn't live on "faith" right now. I told him he needs to put his self pride aside and man up and do what's right. I can't and won't be in a marriage based on lies and deceit! You know what you need to do in order to move forward. It I don't have trust, then we don't have ANYTHING!

good job!

what was his response.

i know this is going to make you puke but you have to thank him for going for the test. no snide comments after.

to the vets... if sf H is looking for a IC then why would SF just suggest that she has one and give him harleys number?- i know it was addresses briefly

The vets think counselling is useless unless he agrees a poly. I suppose contacting SH could stop him getting a toxic IC who supports his delusions. However starfish could simply ban him from getting an IC without her approval. She could simply say 'I will be very upset if you choose an IC I dont approve of, and I am not interested in your being counselled until after the Poly. Until then, I am not on board'. Or something like that....

BLAH BLAH BLAH, I want you to carry on meeting my needs, BLAH BLAH BLAH please forget about the poly.

Hopefully the fog will thin soon, starfish.

Starfish. There is something on those credit card statements that he is trying to hide from you. Why shut you off and then get you a knew card? Did he take those statements?

If you can find proof on your own what he is hiding, then he will have to face it.

Your MIL/FIL seem very supportive of you. I think he is gaslighting them also. Are you keeping in touch with them?

Her husband is looking for an "IC" who will validate him. It is a classic distraction ploy. Starfish, tell him that if he wants to speak to a counselor it needs to be a qualified marriage counselor because otherwise he is wasting his time seeking out a "counselor" at a time when your marriage is in crisis. [suggest Steve Harley]

Tell him "your pursuit of a counselor at a time when our marriage is in crisis tells me you are not serious about doing what it takes to recover our marriage. If you are serious, then you will take the polygraph and do what is necessary to save your marriage. I don't see you doing that."

He didn't really have much to say...
I received the following text from his brothers g/f this morning:

I hope u have gotten some rest. I wish I had some awesome advise for you that would just make a world of difference-but I don't. Everything u need u already have-all the answers-u have them inside you. U r an amazing woman!

I could totally be taking this wrong, but what does she mean by I have all of the answers inside of me? I don't have all of the answers!

I checked the two charges and they are for the following:
Healthcheck Systems ($325)
Appalachian Traveller ($244.60)

I think these may be fraud charges as I tried to Google them both. He said he thought I made the charges and I haven't. The first one was from yesterday and I wasn't even thinking about buying anything!

I totally agree that he needs to take the polygraph, but I didn't use that word today because I feel like he already knows and considers it a negative when I say the word. He knows what he needs to do and is pushing it aside.

I have thought about the counseling too and agree that I need to approve whoever he chooses. I'm so afraid that he is going to find someone that will side with him about not taking the polygraph! Would the Harley's be able to help convince him that this is what he needs to do? Should I call them first?

The polygraph is the most important thing to me right now, so I picture that in the center and all of the other criteria around that in a circle. He is dancing around the circle and doing some of the other things (STD Testing), but won't go into the circle. This is what I need!

How should I proceed?

I would leave counselors out of it until he takes the polygraph. I don't think you will get the truth any other way. I would tell him what I said above and just be a broken record.