A friend in a similar situation is really struggling. How can I get her to post here... I just know it would help her.

Tell her about it and make her a thread would be my suggestion.

Also send her a few links to stories of people who have recovered. Maybe after she has read a little bit, she will feel more comfortable posting.

She has posted. She says the advice is perfect. Thank you for helping. Xxx

I have been away for a while and the marriage is building thanks to your advice. Sadly the job we thought my H would get did not come off....so we are no longer moving. This has set me back and I have had a few bad days.....thinking about OW and how her life is still perfect. Thinking about how she and the school destroyed me and the disbelief that people still tolerate and believe her......how has she got away with all of this. I feel like I have been crushed again.
My H and I had a great break in SA and really rekindled some things but we need to continue to work on each others needs. I am really anxious today....not really sure why but I am very weepy, nervous and angry with her. I cannot get her out of my head....I want her destroyed too......she is driving around in her new car walking round the school like she owns the place!!!
Help!

For right now, at this moment, every time you think of her, choose instead to think on a positive topic, one you have already chosen. A Bible verse or song would be good.

In the longer term, know for a certainty that it will continue to be like this until you move somewhere else. Surrounded as you are by all the triggers, it's no surprise that you're triggering.

I also recommend that you do a bit of snooping. Most likely this is just triggers from the past, but when you feel ill at ease you should also rule out whether your brain is trying to tell you something current.

AEK:

I recently had a bad trigger moment, having visited the town I used to live in that was the site of my FWH's affair. Not good. Neak is right. So ... keep working on moving. Keep up your MBs principles, and perhaps creat some AEK1 principles to bolster your own thoughts and self-confidence. NEAK's behavior modification technique is a solid way to approach it. So is having a GREAT life filled with NEW SUPPORTIVE friends, projects, etc.

I find the busier I am, the less likely I am to think about the affair and its fallout.

Cheers,
SP

Please be honest about the times you have had, and continue to have, suicidal impulses. The basic situation hasn't changed since you landed in the hospital the last time. As long as the situation is unchanged, you will keep circling around to the suicide pit again and again.

Your life is worth more than anything you possess. I recommend moving right away, even if you lose every single material thing you own. NOTHING outweighs your life.

I am worried for you.

I am not suicidal anymore - I do value my life. Just a bad day. I must start looking at the stars and not the floor!

Having said that I have had 3 bad days.....gr.....just cannot get her out of my mind. She wanted my life and not content with shagging my H, tried to destroy me. She has told so many lies and it really hurts that that's what people believe.....when will the Karma bus arrive? When will everything look brighter for me? Why I have I been punished for this?

What makes you think it hasn't arrived for her already? AEK, you have this idea that everything is going well for the OW, but is it really?

Why do people cheat? Is it because they are happy?
Why do some people seek to have someone else's spouse or life? Is it because they are satisfied?
Why do many people trade out a good car for a new one, constantly buy clothes, put on airs? is it because they love themselves and are content with who they are?

Why do people lie to look good? because they are self confident and happy with themselves?

Hon, I would argue that just because she is hiding behind airs and painting a picture of herself in front of the world, it doesn't mean life is peachy. I've never met a happy cheater. I've never met an adulterer who is content in life, is self confidant, satisfied...

Real success isn't measured by what we see. so often appearances are misleading. this is why focusing on the AP is so dangerous. What you see is rarely what you get, even after the affair is broken up. Focus on you and what you have, looking forward to what you are building. She isn't worth your time or energy.

CV

Update....
My husband is going for a job interview on Tuesday.....for a job in Dubai. I have my fingers crossed that he gets it so that we can finally move away from the triggers.
Sadly the karma bus still hasn't arrived with the OW and she is swanning around in a new car, fatter than ever!
Things are better here - I see a future and have learnt from both our mistakes. Last night I went backwards (a little) as I really want him to hate her for what she did - will he ever hate her or am I expecting too much?

No one can say whether or not your H will ever come to hate OW, 4 years after D-day I still dont know. I DO know that some months ago he referred to OW as 'a piece of meat'. It may be the best I ever get, it doesnt really matter. What matters is having a good marriage NOW, focusing on NOW, not constantly considering that our happiness has anything to do with the OP

He will likely not hate her--though the odds are in your favor. The object here is to get him to stop thinking about her.

I guess whenever I mention her - he then thinks of HER. My fault I guess but sometimes and it is less and less, I can get down....you know the triggers.
I know that we are in a much better place but I need to keep focusing on the NOW and the TOMORROW and not yesterday.....

AEK, I was just like you for a long long time I was so busy getting my H to hate the OW and was so focused on the OW that in the end it took me 3 years to get in recovery,

Please see that she is literally NOTHING. She no longer matters, I hardly think of my H OW now and that's becaus I am focusing on my marriage and not what a low life is up to karma bus or no karma bu I KNOW I'm a better person and my life will turn out a gazillion times better than hers becaus I have morals and I am surrounded by people who care about me becaus of that, she on the other hand is surrounded by money and fakeness.

She can't take anything from you now that you don't willingly give here and you have been given her alot of your energy and thoughts that are taking away from your recovery,

Just a tip, my H started to hate his OW when I stopped trying to make him hate her, he had space to think for himself and realised her true colours. No one wants to be told how to thinks and what to think of others and this might well be why he is being stubborn. The more you demonise her to him the more he will think the opposite because him seeing her for what she is means he has to take a good look at himself and his own choices.

You don't need anyone telling you that you are better than her you know you are and why so that's all that matters because the opinion of people who associate with trash isn't an opinion that really counts for anything.

Maybe she got hit by the karma cupcake?

Seriously though, why are you even giving her any of your thoughts? You have better things to think about.

Advice please....
Just found out that a friend who I see now and again is playing golf with the OW. This has really upset me as I know feel that we can no longer be friends. Silly I know but I am so shocked that people still tolerate her. Why can't I accept it? Why can't I just move on? I have told the friend that we are done as seeing will now trigger me as the less triggers I have, the better. Please help. I feel I am loosing all my friends to her.

You are finding out who your REAL friends are. Just keep thinking that.

Real friends will understand.

I guess so but god it hurts.