I hope these thoughts that have been on my mind lately make sense written out.
I'd truly appreciate any advice or thoughts. I've searched high and low online for a similar situation and can't find anything.

My H and I are in counseling and trying to save this marriage.

I know from the books I've read, that physical affairs and emotional affairs happen because certain needs are/were not being met. �My H was involved in a pa/ea before we met and continued as an ea throughout our entire relationship. �When I think about this, I wonder if we every really had a chance to bond completely. �I feel like he never let me fulfill all his needs, and instead, only allowed me to fulfill certain ones. �He never let me come close to even trying to fulfill the ones that she was already fulfilling. �This was his doing and nothing to do with me or what I did or did not give to him. �I feel like he liked it this way because of his emotional ties to her and thats why it continued throughout the whole time we've been together. �Now that he says that he is done with her, what can we do to establish a bond, 18 years later, that was never able to be formed in the first place because of his attachment to her? �It's not rebuilding. It's more like building what never was.�

Do you understand what I mean? Do you think this is even possible?

Welcome, I'm glad you have found MB, there are wonderful people here with great advice.
First off (before trying to answer your question), how do you know that things are over between your WH and the OW? This is very important. You should make sure there is no contact. Also, have you done any exposure about their affair? That is imperative in killing the affair.

gracie, I understand this completely. My marriage experienced the same thing except on a shorter term. I found out a few months after we were married that he was carrying on an affair with an old GF. It never stopped the entire time we were dating and then married.

So after his affair ended, we were really able to bond and create a romantic relationship using the MB concepts.

I guess I can't be 100% sure it's over, but one thing he's never been willing to do before he did. He called her in front of me and told her it was over at that he loves me and he wanted to make our marriage work. She's a coward, so a few days after that I sent her a text of my own telling her to back off or else I would contact her husband her children her family and her employer. I check often and double check again and I have found no evidence that they're still in contact. He tells me that he's done and over this and he doesn't want to hurt us anymore.

How did you go about starting over from scratch?

gracie, the first thing that needs to happen is you need to kill the affair. Keeping it secret only serves to enable the affairees. You should be on the side of your marriage, not the affair. You shouldn't threaten to expose it, you should expose it to everyone. Everyone should know.

Tell her husband, her children, her employer. Send a message to all her facebook friends. Tell your family, children, everyone. Don't hide the dirty secret. Affairs thrive on secrecy. Drag that ugly body out into the light of day and kill it off!!

All the tips you need for exposing the affair are in the link in my signature.

That is how you save your marriage.

And how are you checking on him? What are your snooping resources?

How much do billboards cost in your town?

At this point I don't feel the need to expose because it's been a couple of months since he called her and told her that they were done. I check phone records, I have computer spyware and VARs in the car and at home.

I think he might be different this time around. I hope so anyway.

Not sure about billboards, LOL, but that will be a nice fantasy!

It is especially important that a long term affair be exposed. You have no reason to hide the affair, gracie, and every reason to expose it. I would get ahold of her husband right away and then notify her family members.

Do your children know about the affair?

Your husband should have no problem with this if he is serious. But I would not tell him in advance or he will give the OW a heads up.

OW's BH must be told. That is the RIGHT thing to do, gracie. Please do not keep this poor man in the dark.

I'll think about your suggestions.

But to my bigger question, is it possible to start over? Where? How?

It is possible to start over, but the first step is exposure. Your husband will not be able to change unless he makes amends for his affair. That starts with your exposure to his OWs husband and family.

You also have a moral obligation to warn the OWs husband about what your husband has done to him. He has to protect himself.

Gracie, what is your plan for exposure?

Unexposed affairs are in danger of restarting.

Starting over starts with the truth.

What is there to think about?

Dr Harley advocates that a successful recovery begins with exposure, it works to clear the WS's fog and helps to ensure the A is killed...and he is most definitely clear that the OP's BS should be told.

But...do you need Dr Harley (or us) to tell you what the right thing to do is? As soon as I received proof of the A, I could NOT rest until the OW's BH was told.

gracie. Can you see how this logic focuses only on yourself? Wouldn't you expect/want someone who knew about this to tell you? OW husband is also a victim and he deserves to know the truth about his life the same as you.

What are you going to say to OW husband if he finds out and then looks you in the eye and wants to know why you kept it a secret from him?

ETA: I'm sorry this is happening to you and I know it is hard. OW husband needs to know and he needs to hear it from you. It is the right thing.

The ows husband knew about the affair. He new that they continued being "friends" I just don't think that he either (1) considered it an emotional affair or (2) just didn't give a [censored].

We had a counseling session tonight and I brought up my thoughts above. The counselor thought it was an interesting point and my H thought that that was my "take" on it. We both didn't have the greatest role models of marriage so maybe neither one of us knows how to have a good marriage. He got mad and said he doesn't want to always focus on his past mistakes and wants to focus on us making our marriage better.

I told him I don't want to keep dredging up the past either, but things need to change. I'm so frustrated.

Oops, sorry for my potty mouth. I think I'm frustrated because I'm not sure he wants to or is capable of fulfilling my needs. I want a connection, a bond with him and it seems like he's content just living cordially. He says he loves me and wants to stay together but in the same breath, I feel like he's so selfish. I don't know...

He doesn't know the truth about the affair, though. And needs to be informed.

You need to start with exposure FIRST, gracie. Expose the affair, make sure is killed. The more people who know the more people to hold your husband accountable. Your husband will never redeem himself as long as his victim is still being tricked. You owe it to the OWH and your husband to expose the affair wide and far.

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By keeping his affair a secret for him and his OW, you contribute to his lack of connection by fueling the FANTASY. Exposing the affair kills the fantasy.

No, gracie, you're not getting it. He is VERY capable of meeting your needs. What he's NOT capable of is meeting two women's needs simultaneously. You can not get a full connection with him while he has a splitter on his emotions. You are not getting his full attentions, and this is where you are faltering by allowing this to continue. There is NO way he can focus all of his energies on YOU when there is an OW in the picture. It will never happen. She must be exterminated (figuratively), and the only pesticide to eradicate this leach from your life is exposure.

You've been given good advice by the board members. I would suggest you take it and implement said advice. Expose this, end this crap, and get on with building a life with your husband.

Or don't...the choice is yours.