I left my husband last Friday. I am still kind of in shock that I finally did it, but also relieved. I didn�t realize how angry and hurt I am.

We have been having issues for a long time, but long story short, he took a 3-11 job. When he told me he was going to, I told him that would kill us, that we would never see each other. He took it and I felt he didn�t want to spend time with me.

After a while it was me doing my thing and him doing his. Our schedules passed on Sunday because he would sleep the majority of Saturday. Then he would be upset if I had something to do on the weekend because it was the only time to do things together.

I had gone out a couple of times with a group from work to have a drink, but he did not like that either, so I stopped. I had been enrolled in a gym and made that and a yearlong project at work my new passion. He became upset at me working late hours so I told my boss that I had to leave by 8, but would sign in when I got home. He wasn�t home so I didn�t think it would matter.

In Feb, 2011, I knew that something had to change. I told him that I had thought about leaving him twice and that I didn�t feel like he desired me. That I had needs that weren�t getting met and told him what they were. Asked him what I needed to do to make him happy. He told me there was nothing I needed to change and that he would start looking for a day job. At that point I was trying to use MB, and told him I had had some questionnaires to fill out if he would and about this site. That wasn�t going to happen.
He never looked for a new job, but one did fall in his lap and he took it, an opening at my brother�s workplace. No other changes were attempted. I planned on leaving in May.

Then he got sick, a liver disease of unknown cause, which was diagnosed four years earlier. I stayed and he had a transplant on our anniversary in October. It�s unbelievably hard to be a caretaker, especially when you know you don�t love your husband like a wife should love her husband.

He recovered and I had hope that things would change but it only got worse. He started back to work and still nothing, but I knew that I had already been detached from our marriage for a long time.
When I told him I was leaving I said I was so unhappy. He said that we should sit down and talk about it. I told him I needed to leave, to think about what I want. He got angry and said fine, it�s all about you and walked out of the room. I walked out the door.

I asked for 30 days no contact. I couldn�t think when every time I went home I would just get more frustrated. I have received texts, e-mails, and several messages he has sent through our daughter. (Our kids are all adults, 19, 22, and 24.) He has threatened suicide where my youngest son took an uncased pistol from him, has gone to all of my siblings and asked them why they didn�t tell him I was leaving.

Surprisingly, I had gone through reactions from my family before I left and had thought that I might get some negative feedback from one sister and my brother would be upset, but eventually come around. My brother called me today and said that he saw this coming for a while, and that while he hopes things can work out, he would understand. I was shocked and it makes me wonder what they saw. I thought I hid my unhappiness pretty well.

If I had to make a decision right now, it would be divorce. I meet with a counselor tonight. I need to start working on the anger and hurt, learn how to communicate more effectively. I don�t know if it will change what I feel. I�ve been mentally separated for years. I am not trying to lead him on, or hurt him, but I seriously don�t know if there is any chance for us or if I even want there to be.

Hi Paisley, you sort of did what Dr Harley suggested in his article "When to Call it Quits." In the situation described there, the wife leaves her husband when he refuses to meet her needs. They end up getting back together when he sees she is serious. Although you are not in love with him now, if he did commit to the marriage that could be turned around. However, if he won't do that, then nothing would ever change, of course.

The article is here: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2264789#Post2264789

Welcome to Marriage Builders, Paisley. The fact that you are here tells me that there is a part of you that wants to keep your marriage together.

Do you want to save your marriage? I am concerned by your job situation. Why are you required to delay leaving work and going home to your husband?

It sounds to me like the two of you have drifted apart. You need to be together, enjoying certain activites with just the two of you, at least 15 hours a week. Has this been happening?

Two married people leading their own lives without devoting time to each other weekly is a recipe for disaster. How much time have the two of you been spending together each week?

Paisley,

Your husband has been selfish and has misplaced his priorities. He's made big mistakes that he is now regretting. You did many things to try and get him to come around, esp. introducing him to marriage builders. Too bad he didn't get the message and your love bank emptied. He'll have a lot of regrets if you don't take him back.

Women who leave because of neglect are hard to get back. Dr. Harley writes about this on this site. But I've read that men who are jolted by their wife's departure do often make changes and become better husbands.


*****EDIT******

Thank you for your replies. I can relate to both of the articles to the point where it could have been me they wrote about.

The last two months were exactly like that. I knew the time was getting close and I stopped trying. I quit doing his laundry and picking up after him. I had gotten so depressed at who I was that I would take a nap on Sunday for 3-4 hours and then still sleep that night. I started hating myself.

Our kids tell me that he is really changing. How do you tell them that this has happened before for a few months, only to go back to the same? I don't trust that a lifetime of behavior can change and I know a weekend won't do it. I know that I don't have the energy or desire to play a game anymore.

He text me asking for a list of things he needed to change. I responded that I don't want to change him or for him to become the "man of my dreams" because it would be short lived and a lie. To use this time not to focus on me or us, but on him. If he is happy who he is then fine. It actually makes me angry that he is still trying to have me "fix" it for him.

I honestly don't know what I want. This first week has been making sure that my kids are ok, and that my family knows that I am ok. (I'm the baby and that never changes.)

Last night with the counselor was kind of a get to know each other and I left with the recommendation to start journaling my feelings and what I want. I am really struggling with this and am not sure why.

Maritalbliss, I do not work that late anymore. It lasted about one and a half months while we wrapped up a project. He did not get home until midnight, so I still was home before him and that was over a year ago. We were in the same house together, but spending 15 hours, no. His idea of quality time was watching TV and I did try to get him to do things together.

I don't understand why people are so selfish and think that their feelings are more important than their families and their marital vows. No one said marriage was easy. Counselors who focus on feelings are destructive. Feelings are sand and principles are bedrock.

It has been a little over six months since I left my husband, and I have realized that I would never go back to that. It was stated that counselors that discuss feelings are destructive, but I was so depressed and angry, that I needed to address those issues.

When I left, my husband went through a period of stalking, which is extremely scary. He joined my gym, started going to the church I go to, moved less than two miles from where I am staying, and joined every event I was doing. He accused me of having an affair, and when that didn't pan out, accused me if being a lesbian because I am staying with a lady and her daughter.

The worst was that he drug our adult children into the middle of all of it, and continues to do that. Thankfully, my children have all told me that if that is what I have lived with, they understand.

I asked if he would be willing to file a joint dissolution and he said he didn't want a divorce. Then at one point he said he had gotten legal counsel and I should too, so I did and filed.

Since our agreement is to sell the house, since neither is living there, the judge told us to go through every thing and get the house on the market. He has been there two days and has told our daughter that since I want this, I can do all the work. My daughter and i have packed and inventoried the house and garage almost done! Funny thing is I did not expect any more from him.

Our lawyers had a court date in July, kind of a one month follow up from June. My husband hadn't turned in any of the required paperwork and his lawyer said he was so distraught over the divorce. Then I found out he had been dating since two months after I left. Our daughter said she was upset, but to me, we weren't happy, and if he is finally happy, then I can't regret it.

Now this last month he was in the hospital for 7 days. I did no how to react to that, so I text him and told him as a friend, if I can do anything to let me know. Until that, all communication has been through the lawyer

Court happens again on Tuesday and he still doesn't have the paperwork in and hasn't done anything the judge told him to do

For myself, I have made the commitment to stay single for at least two years. I met him when I was 15 and never lived on my own, so it's new finding out who I am and what I want. That may change, but that is my goal. I am no longer depressed and have amazing friends who have helped me through this

I don't hate my husband, but do believe that this has actually made each of us happier.

Your husband asked you for a list of things to change.
Your response was to take a hike.
Now he is seeing a woman. It is adultery because you are still married.

My opinion is that you should enter what is called "plan B"

Paisley,

Have you seen this?
How to Plan B Correctly

HDW, I did not tell him to take a hike. This was the week after I left. I did send him a letter though our Pastor as the intermediary saying again everything that I had told him when we talked in February, listed my needs that weren't getting met.

Brainhurts, I had read how to execute plan B, however, having adult children, I did let them know where I was staying. That is how he found out. We also have Grandkids together and we're able to be civil for that.

So far, his words and actions haven't matched. He wanted to work it out, but less than three months after I left, he is dating. What he has to have is someone to take care of him. He tries to get our kids to hate me by saying terrible things, but they know better and are seeing through it.

But HDW, in a way your right, I did not give him hope that I would even consider going back to him. I had told him my goal of not dating for two years, but honestly, throughout the years I have seen him "change" for a month. I did not believe anything he said or did would last. It hasn't and from what I have seen in him, the thought of going back is even less desirable.

Dr Harley has save thousands of marriages. He helps couples fall back in love.
Most marriages die because the couple does not follow the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA).
If you have children and grandchildren together is it not worth your effort to save your marriage?

Paisley,
Is your husband familiar with MB?
My contribution to the destruction of my marriage was much like your husband's - I would commit to change for a period, and then go back to bad habits (like AO's and DJ's). Finally, my wife-at-the-time, found someone she felt she could count on and they put the finishing touches on a marriage which had been circling the drain for some time (unbeknownst to me).

If he doesn't want a D, but doesn't have any tools to understand how to save it, then he is truly lost. [I introduced MB to my now-ex prior to the final bell, but she wasn't interested in changing; either I wasn't convincing enough or she's just not got in in her - it's all in the past now]. For you, there is still time to introduce MB to your STBX, either in hopes of getting back to the love you once knew (with the Father of your children) or just in a humanitarian effort to help him cope with the loss of his marriage (and possibly avoid the same issues with his next wife).

We all want what's best for ourselves, but also for our kids and grandkids. I still pray regularly that my ex somehow finds her way to this site; I believe my kids would benefit from the insight she would gain here.

opt