I also found that book helpful in another backwards strange way: it showed me just how INcompatible I was with my ex. I know it sounds like wayward revisionist history, and I have stated I would have done everything I could to develop compatible life-styles with my now-ex, if given the opportunity. But we started with such polar opposite ideals, it would have been a real struggle.

The book won't skew your dating experience or make you change your philosophy; it's just insight. And very good insight.
If you want to stick with Dr. Harley's material, read Buyers Renters and Freeloaders. Also insight good for the recently divorced.

opt

I can see I need to schedule some reading time. lol Right now I'm reading I Used to Miss Him but My Aim is Improving. A friend loaned it to me. It's interesting to say the least.

Priss,

If the book is as funny as the title, it should be a great read.

I need to get " Will our love last" it's important for me to read. As for the dating thing...... not sure where I read it but thought it was suggested that we date multiple people, the idea being that apparently we didn't do a very good job of understanding what we are drawn to and who will make the best mate for us. I thought 30 was the number put out there. Course I would think a lot of those dates might only be one or two times. Going out with someone who you wouldn't necessarily be drawn to to see what would develop out of it should be educational

Big potential down side is........

Getting involved with someone that you know it has no potential to be more. Even though you might know that your date may not feel that way and then feelings are being hurt.

I remember being told that dating is a mate selection process and not to go out with anyone that you don't see as a potential mate, and the ones you do go out with as soon as you see that they are not a match for you stop dating them.


All that makes since except it didn't work out to well for me the first time. I find my self circling back to dating multiple people to help learn what my potential mate should be like, sure don't pretend to have this one figured out.

Things I do no is I've got no business in a long term committed relationship yet. I need more time to understand what I would seek in a mate. Two months in, dating for me has been nothing but fun. Already done some culling but still have a couple that I want to see where it goes. Doing my best not to get into that Exclusive mode !!!!

Priss, I guess I just TJ ,....... sorry about that.

Any dating we do opens us up for heart brake......... but unless we are willing to open ourselves up we will never no the love from another mate. Guess that's were knowing how to best go about it would pay off.

I'm just out here fumbling around in the dark hoping I don't fall in a bad hole !!!


SC

SC,
I've heard different schools of thought on that. I bought Christian Carter's "Catch Him & Keep Him" series of "interviews with dating & relationship experts"...it was very interesting. I listened to the 10 CD set several times.

Different experts say different things. That's not really surprising, there's always going to be different ways of looking at things and it depends on one's perspective. If you are just dating to have fun, it's not so important that you be thinking about marriage, just having a good time, and naturally, most of us will be drawn to those we're compatible with...barring those who go for the bad boy types which rarely work out. If you are dating with the idea of finding your potential mate, it would only make sense that you date those who might fit the bill, as far as you can tell, until you rule them out otherwise. That is what my son did, and consequently he had a lot of first dates and quickly ruled them out as not potential mate material for him. He did recognize "the one" when he met her. Part of it is being aware of WHAT you're looking for! You need to know where you're going in order to have a map to go there and know where to start heading. That means spending some time assessing the qualities you deem essential for you, and the ones that would be nice, but not deal breakers. Identify the red flags and avoid those!

I'd highly recommend the CDs I mentioned for anyone serious about dating...it helps you identify how to best present yourself and pitfalls to avoid, as well as understanding the mind of a man. Now, if only he'd come out with a set of CDs for MEN as well!

I read "Catch Him & Keep Him" too. Some are being said differently but I thought was basically conveying the same message. However as KC said, some tactics are different too. Also to me, I felt that the book is written more for those who just started daring.

I downloaded the book "Will Our Love Last." on my iPad. That's providing another points of view.

There are only men and women, why does it have to be so hard to have loving and lasting relationships?? Sigh.

MS

In my case, I seemed to be kind of dumb at weeding them out so it helped me a lot...I needed to learn to convey myself how I want to instead of how I was. Now I'm enjoying not dating at all!

I always wonder..., knowledge obtained from books is great, but must be used/applied with caution, as each case is different. I think last time I read a lot about relationships, love, marriage and personal issues was when I was going through divorce. While certain things were also observed in our case, many aspects were different too. I remember feeling frustrated or even betrayed by my own expectations b/c I thought if I followed advice on those books I would get the result I wanted.

In any event, the 25th is coming up soon! I am excited to hear any update Prissanna.

Hahaha! I'm wondering when I'm going to hear from him. Kinda need to know where we're going so we can meet up. We talked last week but it wasn't much about the 'date'. I'm still OK with this though. I really think it's going to help me in the long run.

Hey Prissanna, that's good, nothing has started between you guys, so at least there would be no heartache, it's the best stage sometimes, ha ha. If it wasn't about the 'date', then what did you guys talk about??? Hmm....

We talked about a friend of mine who is going through her second divorce. B is in a mentoring program at his church and I was trying to help her get set up in it. All innocent. lol The only thing that was said about the 'date' was that I better not be finding excuses not to go and he was looking forward to it.

My mood changes from day to day. I think it will be fun and then I think what the heck have I done? lol

The reason you are putting up the wall around you and try NOT to look forward to the 'date' is... trying to avoid any future potential hurt? Or do you somehow feel guilty or something about dating?

Just curious. I know my situation was different from yours, but I remember for some reason I felt 'guilty' towards my XH and DS when I started dating XBF. Weird.

From what I can tell, you don't sound you have such feeling, besides, your XH is already remarried, so I do not think it is the case, but was just curious. How are your kids doing?

I'm trying to avoid getting emotionally involved I think - I only want to see this as a friendship that will be helpful to both of us. This guy would die before he would hurt anyone so I don't have to worry about him. Moreso it's me that I worry about. He knows my worries and fears so all is good there.

I have a girlfriend that told me today she thinks I am not ready to go out with anyone and will get too emotionally involved with him if I do (because of the craziness with my crush). She put me on a downer and made me feel sad about it. I thought I was being wise about this guy you know?

You are not worried about him potentially breaking your heart, even if you two decide to continue to date. Which means you are not really attracted to him in a romantic way. At least not at this point. Correct?



I can relate to this. When someone tells you that you are "not ready", you feel like a child who wants to go out and play with your friends but your mom has told you no, you still need to stay in bed as your fever may return...

I personally think it all depends on your personality. Some may wind up investing too much emotional energy on those 'supposed-to-be' casual dates if they continue to see their dates. Some, on the other hand, can completely stay cool and emotionally unattached even if they continue to see some same dates for quite some time. In that case, going out there and meeting new people may not be a bad idea.

You still want to place yourself in a 'safe' zone where you don't have to worry about heavy relationship issues, but you don't just want to stay in bed for too long either. It sounds like you are making it clear to B, so I do not see anything wrong with it.

Yep. Right on the money.


I have a time second guessing everything I say/do without someone else doing it for me. She said all that she said and then said but you have to do what you think is right not what someone else thinks. *hand to head*

I think I am one of those ppl that gets emotionally connected easily. How the heck do you change that???

I don't think you can change that. That's how you are, and it's not a bad thing.

We've been communicating today. Seems we won't have much time Sunday to meet because I have the nursery that morning at church and can't leave until all the kids are picked up and then he has to lead his meeting at 2 so he can't be late. He has suggested tomorrow night. And she begins to freak out. lol I suppose I'm going to go ahead and say yes but it seems more like a date you know? There is no deadline for him to leave so .... do we just sit there and chat or ??? Dear Lawd. This should be interesting.

Hi Prissanna, how did your 'non-date' date go yesterday?

Hey girl. It went perfectly fine. We are really just friends which is good. I didn't even get emotionally involved and don't expect anything from him. I think this is a MAJOR plus in my favor. Maybe I'm growing up. lol At least I know I'm healing. Should he ask again, I'll probably go because I know I'm not getting emotionally connected and I think the experience is good for me.

We met at a place close to both of our houses and he drove to the restaurant. I saw a few ppl I knew and felt REALLY awkward to begin with. Like they were saying who is she with? Hmmmm .... I didn't want anyone else to see it as a date either. (I know I'm whack!) We talked about a variety of things and a good bit about my ex and his ex. That was fine with me because I wanted to know more about his situation with his ex. He also confirmed things about my ex which made me feel better about the feelings I have towards him (not feelings of love I can tell you). He did mention the lady he is seeing and I have no problem with talking about her cause I don't see myself with this man in anything but a friendship. We stayed there maybe 2+ hours and then he drove to his house to show me his horse ring that he's working on. Then he took me to my car and I went home. ;-)

Oh, and he didn't offer to pay for my meal. lol Had that one so figured out wrong. Perfectly fine though. We didn't have to argue about it. He didn't even open my door for me when we got back in his vehicle. It was fine but ... majorly weird. Maybe he thought I would take it wrong? I probably would have been weirded out if he had so ...

I had several awkward moments though so I think it was good for me to see what I should expect from a date you know? One was when a guy that comes in where I work frequently walked by my table and waved. He's divorced and I've had thoughts in his direction (don't know much about him except I've always thought he was a good guy) wondering if he was dating anyone or would show any interest you know? He was there with his daughter and her boyfriend. I think he was embarrassed to see me. I was embarrassed to see him. I don't even know if he knows I'm divorced. He might have though B was my husband or my long-term boyfriend. I was a little saddened by that. lol

I think this 'date' made me realize that I want a relationship in my mind but I'm not ready to date and don't know if I will ever be. I suppose if the right guy showed interest I probably would but ... It's easier in my mind. Kinda like a romance book up there. Hahahaha!

I understand this very well. You are not cheating on your XH, but it feels strange and uncomfortable, right. Is it a small town you live in? Then the social image and pressure must be even stronger. Just remember you are a single woman, and so is he. There is nothing wrong meeting up with a friend or having a date.


Maybe he sensed that you wanted to view the 'meeting' as a friends' get-together rather than a date, and did not want to make you feel uncomfortable? But if he thought it was a date (and the very first one!), and did not even offer to pay, well, I personally cannot click with the guy. It's not about money, but just like we women try to make ourselves look pretty for the first date, it's the sense of 'specialness' and cute 'effort' you want to feel from the man as well... Also I don't think you need to be his 'date' or official GF for him to open the door for you. If he didn't open the door for you because he was afraid he would make you feel uncomfortable...I would say he does not have strong insight about women


As strange as it might sound, I can relate. It's natural; you are still grieving for a loss of your family, actually a loss of your family image, since the reality is that it was not perfect. {{hugs}}
Overall I think you did a good job, and I am glad you decided to go and now feel comfortable enough to go out with B again if he asks.