I have been reading on this forum for a while and I have recently found writing to be slightly theraputic. So here is my story:
My husband and I have been married for 12 years and we have 4 kids. I am a stay at home mom and he works outside of the home. Before the affair he was a workaholic who spent more time at work than at home. His affair lasted about 2 months with a co-worker. The co-worker is unmarried and not in a relationship.
Once I discovered the affair, my WH has had extreme remorse. I asked him to leave the home so I could sort out my feelings. He immediately found Marriage Builders and began talking about restoring our marriage using Dr. Hartley's principles.
No Contact has been put into place, for the exception that he works with the OW. They don't actually work in the same department but they physically see each approx. 2 times a week in the hall. He is back home again. We have filled out our EN's, we are practicing the POJA, is he is now working a normal work day without all the extra hours. He is looking for another job, but having a difficult time finding the pay that our family has been use to. I realize I may need to go back to work to help with the pay. That actually makes me angry that I have to go back to work for his poor actions.

Hope this makes sense. I am so glad to find this forum!

I'm sorry you are here. I would request a moderator to move your thread to the Surviving An Affair forum.

Jules, sorry you've had cause to find your way here, but it's a good place to be for the spot you're in.
As a man who had an affair -- and who at one point tried to break it off while still remaining in regular contact with the other woman (she went to the same church as my wife & I) and experienced firsthand just how well that works -- let me caution you that this situation that you're in is a train-wreck waiting to happen.

Tally up the cost that a pair of family-lawyers' retainers and eventually separate residences will cost you, and you may get a better perspective on the financial side. Because if the two of you allow contact to persist this way, (1) you will never feel emotionally safe in your marriage, and (2) you will very likely see a resumption of the affair, which will lead you to a divorce and all the attendant damage which that will inflict upon your finances. In this light, perhaps a pay cut doesn't look so bad. Consider this seriously. Three months post D-day is a long time to have ongoing contact.

I also would suggest you ask the mods to move your post to "Surviving An Affair." As long as there's regular contact between the affair-partners, it's probably premature to declare your marriage to be in "recovery."

Sorry---I guess I am confused. When reading the posts in "Surviving An Affair" it didn't really seem like the correct place to post. "In Recovery" seemed most appropriate.

You can post in either place, but you'll probably get more action on the saa forum.

CV

Welcome J&J, I'm glad you and your WH found MB, although I'm sorry you found a need to be here.

This is not NC. Understand that an affair is an addiction. So imagine your WH is an alcoholic... would you allow him to visit a bar twice a week? Recovering or active, NC is absolutely NO CONTACT. Right now your WH is getting a fix of OW each times he sees her, it is triggering him of memories, feelings, etc. The job has to go. If your WH has introduced you to MB, he likely knows this.

Its positive you are both exploring options with jobs and it seems you are prepared to sacrifice some finances for a while to protect your marriage. As GO says, divorce ain't cheap, so a short-term pay cut whilst seeking better alternatives seems a much wiser option. And YOU, as a betrayed spouse, can never feel safe when you know WH is in contact, any form of contact, with OW.

Is your WH going to post here? It would be useful for him to also post to get guidance on recovery...

This I have learned:

1. ANY contact = an affair

2. They CANNOT work together. Period.


God Bless.

Ok, it looks like he needs to find another job.

I totally agree about not feeling emotionally safe with WH working with OW. I am trying my hardest to be strong and smart. I guess I was kidding myself that WH's affair was not like "other" affairs. From what I am being told (and believe) that OW is not the type of person that he would want to spend his life with. But at the time he figured that out, he was already having an affair with the OW. OW is quite a treat in my opinion. She is divorced, her husband cheated on her. No kids. She sends pictures of herself in a bikini to married men in the office often. I suppose she is trolling for a man who is having a difficult time in their marriage. Honestly, I was more concerned for the other wives of men my husband works with. They have no idea that OW, a predator lurks in the office.

So I guess I have been naive to think that it is over with NC (no phone calls, emails, verbal communication, texts, etc) in place but the still physically see one another a couple of times a week.

Wow, this is hard!

That is why you get all their names and their wives names and expose that whore to them all ... you will see how quickly the whore will fall and likely quit the job herself.

EXPOSURE is the only way to get the whore out of your life forever ... whores hate EXPOSURE especially if they are SPIDERWOMEN, Scroll down and read about the spider woman.

EXPOSURE ... YOUR BEST PESTICIDE!!!

JJ, I would strongly consider exposing this trashwit to the employer and to the other wives. You could be saving some other woman the hell you are going through. And exposing at the workplace would also put the employer on notice so they could watch them until he gets out of there. If your H is exposed there, it would motivate him to leave faster. This is hopeless as long as he works there. And there is a possibility that they may fire the OW and you wouldn't have to worry about him leaving.

Exposure to the workplace, the OW's family [via facebook] and you and your husbands family will be therapeutic and help get you on the path to recovery. The more people who know, the more people to hold your husband accountable and give you the support you need.

Please go read the thread that is linked in my signature. It has exposure strategies and templates to use.

Jules, you need to take action fast.

This woman is highly predatory. She has built up a lovebank with your husband that he may want to close - but do you think she will allow that?

He's been triggered twice a week with contact for months, which means he hasnt yet had a chance to go through withdrawal from his addiction to her. Triggers set the withdrawl clock back to zero each time.

He's like an alcoholic who has been getting two sips of whisky a week. And the whisky wants him too. How long before he slips back into full blown addiction?

And yes it is a VERY typical A when the OW is a loser. Most WSs 'affair down' not up. A decent woman wouldn't do it.

Exposure is needed ASAP. It will protect him at work from slip ups, help the company get rid of a sexual harrassment liabilty and protect other families from her trawlings for married men.

Not to mention giving you the support you need and the stamina to hold out for recovery.

Jules. You will never be able to recover as long as WH continues to work anywhere near OW.

It will eat you alive wondering what is really going on there and if OW is still pursuing him. He was not strong enough to resist OW before...is he strong enough now? Remember, affairs are an addiction.

MB states that you must shut all avenues that made the affair possible. There is a reason for that.

Get him out of there. One less thing to worry about.

I guess I am concerned about exposing the affair to my WH and OW employer. I don't care about what happens to her, but if he were to get fired I would risk putting myself and kids in quite a finacical mess. I wish she would just leave and go work somewhere else. That would be too simple I suppose. What about exposing the affair to her parents or her brother's or sisters? Would that be affective?

I suppose I should try to do some work on the names and wives names of the people he works with. I will expose the affair to them so they can protect their husbands from the pain I am living. I wish someone would have mentioned OW to me. I had never even heard OW's name until I accidentally found about the affair.

The affair has been exposed to our close friends, my family (who we are very close with) and thats it. What do you think about his family?. He is not close with his family at all except for a 95 year old grandfather. I am concerned about the grandfather's health if he found out. He would be mad as mad could be.

I would stack up a few things against this argumeent.

1) He has to quit anyway v soon, otherwise he will regress and end up getting a costly divorce and getting fired regardless, when his employers catch him (waywards aren't discreet)
2) At least exposure removes the risk of him being caught in active mode, bc his wife presents the picture of a couple trying to escape the torrid situation and save the employers embarrassment.
3)If she leaves due to the heat at work, you remove the need for him to quit.



You have to expose to everyone. You have no idea who will have the most sway so its important to hit every target. As well as her family and work colleagues and their wives, you should do FB exposure on her if you can, as described in the exposure thread.



Of course his family! That is a huge stack of targets that have been missed. Expose to every close relative, regardless of the closeness of the relationship. DEFINITELY expose to the grandfather. He has top target written all over him. It is a common, but patronising, assumption that the elderly or ill in health cannot handle a betrayal that the actual betrayed person managed to survive. He has prob seen and heard a lot more than this in his day.

Jules 3 years ago I was exactly where you are, been married 12 years, 4 kids and H had a 2 month A with a single unattached homewrecking coworker. Couldn't get more similarities if I tried.

I spent a year making excuses as to why he couldn't quit his job and worried about the finances. It got me nowhere, I suffered more damage as a result of my excuses and it took 3 years to recover.

My WH did quit his job and yes we struggled for a few months but in the end he got a better job and our marriage is in recovery. I would rather starve to death than go back to the days when my H was still working with that skank.

Please don't make the same mistake that I did either accept that he has to change jobs ASAP or cut your losses and file for a D now to save yourself a whole heap of pain and suffering.

As far as exposure goes I exposed to EVERYONE at home and at work and I got a nice lump sum from his company as compensation for not protecting my family from the skank as my H was not the first married man she had sunk her hooks in at work. His company was so scared of a lawsuit they paid him 2 months wages as compensation and he was just in as much wrong as thr skank. My point is where there is a will there is a way exposing to everyone at his job is a necessary thing then either him or her will have to leave that job.

Please don't make the same mistakes I did and save yourself alot of heartache.

Thank you everyone for your input in my situation. It is so nice to know that I am not alone and people are here to help when you can not do it yourself.

I have been really busy since I posted and started getting advice. I stayed up late last night and wrote exposure letters to the wives of men in my WS department at work. Letters sent with todays mail. OW does not have a FB account anymore????? She did when I discovered the affair, be it is suddenly gone! Strange. I have found a few persons who are related to OW though the use of internet. I have written the exposure letters and will put them in the mail tomorrow.

I feel a weight has been lifted just by composing the exposure letters and starting to get them out. Interesing the odd things that make you happy after you discover you spouse has had an affair.

I am going to talk to my WH tonight and let him know that I want him to expose the affair to his family. If he won't then I will. And I am going to let my husband know that he needs to get a new job quickly. If he can't do that, then we can't be together. If the need exsists, I will go back to work because of his pathetic choices in having the affair.

Whew! I am tired.

What am I missing? I feel like a crazy woman on a mission. Haha

It is very likely that OW has blocked you from seeing her FB page. I would make a fake account and check for her that way.


NO. Please DON'T do this. You should expose, and don't tell him until after it is done.

Don't ask for permission or alert your husband to exposure, you act. This includes work.
You are the one doing all the work to save the marriage, do not expect him to do any of the heavy lifting right now.
You will have to carry the load for now.

Nooooooooooooooo!

Only talk to your H after you are reasonably sure that everyone has gotten their letter, after you have called his family members and after workplace exposure (what about workplace exposure, anyway - you dont mention it?)

When everyone is clued up, and he has been unable to prevent it or spin you as 'crazy and jealous', talk to him. Its best if he hears it from everyone else blowing up his phone to be honest. Then talk to him and tell him you 'did this to save our marriage'. Tell him you expect him to be upfront and honest with everyone.

Since OW knows you are aware she is a predator, she may have bumped up her security settings so only friends of friends can see her FB profile. Make the fake account and send some requests to WH's colleagues (particularly the males) and see what that brings up. Once you've got some mutual friends, send OW a request and see what happens.