This could change. You aren't long into this process. Have you read GJM's thread?

No one here is suggesting that you need to stay married to her, just keep your options open. Believe me, once the anger, and shock wears off, you could have different views on your sitch. MB is about working the plans so you earn your way out of the marriage. That way, if you decide that you aren't going to try for recovery, you will know that you fif everything you could.

You shouldn't make any life altering decisions within 6 months of a trauma, and believe me, finding out that your spouse has had an affair is a HUGE trauma.

None of us will fault you if in the end, you decide that you don't want to give marriage recovery a chance, but since you are here, I think you have a small part of you that thinks there is a chance. That small part of you is the part that deserves a chance to prove that you did your best.

You are in NO WAY responsible for your wife's affair. She made that choice, and she is 100% responsible for it. You are 50% responsible for the state of your marriage pre-A. That means that if you use MB, you can be certain that you did EVERYTHING you could to save your marriage. You can look at yourself in the mirror and be CERTAIN that you lived up to your vows. You held up your end of the bargain. You don't know what that is like, but I do. That's here, within these pages, and it's offered to you for FREE. Take it and run with it.

Hatred is a strong emotion! When you're done you feel more neutral.

I'm near to done and its been nearly a year. Six months would be super impressive. If you've figured out a way to get there faster, by all means share!

If marital recovery is not what you want (your call of course) what are you going to do about personal recovery?

Put a stop to the buddy divorce?

Get your own legal advice??

What does YOUR post divorce life look like with your WW? Still work together? Share holidays? Be friends(SHUDDER)? Have you ever heard of that show called Reba?

Get well yourself, the principles here are about being a better person for you, so you can be ready to go on.
You will be fine in the long run if you believe it, either way you go.

You need to decide if it is a deal breaker, the affair that is.
You know the odds.

Get your own attorney now!

I hate atty's and dont want them to get half of what we have. The divorce process takes 90 days before the judge will even look at it. If she does something stupid during that time i can still get an atty.

She will be moving to him so she will quit and we wont be working together. Told her today that the working thing is not good for me and we are going to start interviewing for her replacement.(she didn't like that at all.)

She already tried the she could come over for holidays this past weekend and i shut that right down. Also told her we will never be friends.

steel, if this is what you want to do then I doubt anyone here would give you any grief about it. But this is what you want right now. I guarantee you your feelings on this will change a thousand times before it's all said and done, no matter what the outcome. I wouldn't be so definitive in your course of action. Your emotions WILL swing. Bet on it pal!

You have so many ways to attack this. Have your kids talked to their GM and expressed their displeasure over her support of their mother's adultery? Does she realize that she may lose them as well if this kind of support continues? I'm not suggesting having them do anything like this, but from what you have posted so far, this is exactly what would happen. If your boys are willing to abandon their mother over her adultery, I'm quite sure they would have NO qualms about abandoning her as well. In fact, I would bet on it. She should be aware of the circumstances, and consequences, of this kind of toxic support.

Good work.
The WW needs to understand the consequences of their actions in order to appreciate the loss.
IF you want any chance at a recovery.
Be ready for blame, spew, nastiness, lies, rewriting of history,etc.
You will see her true colors soon.

Steel, I promise you we have all decided its over, to change our minds in a week, a day, an hour. Its what happens when your brain is under this much stress.

I lost thirty pounds in thirty days. People at work were sure I was dying. This will do things to you.

There's no need to decide this today. If your gut is protect your assets first then do that, but realize the window to save your marriage is short - and works much better if she is still at home or at least not living with OM.

Once that happens you will start to lose options.

Print this and put it on your mirror. Read it every day while shaving.

Her true alien colors would probably be more accurate. His wife is still in there somewhere. He just has to dig her out of her addiction. That's assuming, of course, that he has the brass to do it and not take the easy route out.

You know what the hell with you dude. I'll take whatever route out is best for myself and my boys. I also have enough pride that I know this tramp that used to be my wife is not worth me trying to pull her head out of her fog.

Okay, I have no problem with you or your decisions. I KNOW how much you are hurting!! I've been there, twice, okay?

I don't say these things to piss you off but to possibly shake you out of your pain and get you to get to work to save your marriage. That's all. You can get pissed at me all you want. I welcome it. Bring it on. Vent at me, the board, God..whomever. That is fine.

But know this; I'm only here because I do give a damn and believe in the MB concepts.

Okay, I lied, yeah, I pissed you off intentionally. But that was only because I wanted to shake you into taking actions that you are not taking. I don't for one second believe you are done with your wife. We are talking about 25 years here.

Seriously, are you really done?

25 years, man - that's a lot to throw away without at least trying.

Take a couple of days off, even from this board if you feel like it. The emotions are raw. I know - been there, done that, got the T-shirt, etc.

Buddy I am so done. I have given this serious thought. Talked to my family. We are all done and especially me. She is not worth it and will have to live with her mistakes. I know I can live with mine!

I understand completely. This is your choice, and you're right. Your WW is in for one massive crash and burn. She's going to lose you, her two adult sons, and a comfortable home for a man that has 3 failed marriages (or long term relationships)?

Yeah, good husband material.

Exactly and I can live with that. What I have to concentrate on now is my boys and I. And in a couple of years I will be in a lot better place while she is still living in the hell she created for herself.

I do still plan on working the plan A when I am around her. But, only for my own benefit.

Steel,

Divorce is always an option. In my case, I discovered my H's A's (a drunken ONS in 2004 and a 6 1/2 month EA/PA in 2007/8) just shy of our 26th anniversary in 2008. Before that, we had many good years and three children. After D-day, the children were disgusted with H and encouraged me to D. I decided to give it 2 years before making a decision to D. Factors that played into this decision were: 1) we are all wired to have affairs if the environment is ripe and we have not exercised precautions against an affair 2) my H and I had a good marriage pre-affairs 3) the more I found out about affairs, the more similarity I saw to other addictions.

At a point during our recovery, my H talked about me being his life-line. He counts himself as blessed that I stuck around and helped him become the person he wanted to be, not some lying, cheating POS. MB has worked for thousands of couples.

So, I guess the question is whether your marriage was good in the past and whether your wife was a good woman before she became hooked on some POS man from her past? If the answers to those questions are no, then my advice is to fast track D. If you had a good marriage and your wife was totally different from the crazy alien she is not, MB principles could work for you.

I am so sorry you are here, in this position.


AM

I don't really care what she was or what we had before. She is a big girl who made her choices and she can live with them. I will sit back and watch her suffer through her consequences.

I went looking for mirror mirror's original thread but can't find it. I think at one point he may have deleted it?

Anyways steel, I am hoping mirror mirror might see this and post. From memory of his original thread, he was DONE DONE AND DONE for quite some time after D Day. He continued posting, ranting (sorry mm but we all do it ) and riding the rollercoaster that us betrayed do. Admittedly his WW was immediately remorseful and willing to do whatever it took recover the marriage, whereas your WW is sprouting soulmate schmoopie rubbish. But since you are relatively new to the boards, be aware that mm now seems (and apologies mm if I am assuming too much) glad that he took MB advice and worked the plan. Him and his FWW are successfully recovering.

There are other marriages on these boards that have survived affairs.

Now, I am not saying that marital recovery is in the cards for you. It may be personal recovery that you're after. Fine. Being confident that you tried everything at the time that you could, including giving yourself time to let emotions settle and make informed decisions, helps with personal recovery.

Now, imagine in a few weeks your WW comes back remorseful, taking full responsibility, asking for another chance. Telling you she will do whatever it takes for however long it takes to earn your forgiveness and recover your marriage. Are you 100% confident, with no doubts, that you would continue with divorce and watch her suffer the consequences?

This is not intended as a criticism, but to give you something to think on. So you can avoid doubts that can hinder personal recovery in the future.