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Excuse me, love86?!?
You do not BEG a WW to stop her behavior and behave like a good, sweet, loving doormat. That is doing zip. And exposure has been proven time and again to be the biggest weapon in the MB arsenal of affair-ending weapons.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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A reminder to posters that the purpose of the forum is to help posters learn Marriage Builders concepts. Please help this poster do that.
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Ok.. sorry I thought any opinions were welcome. When the husband exposes her I'd like to be posted on what happened.. I hope she will be okay...
J.
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Ok.. sorry I thought any opinions were welcome. When the husband exposes her I'd like to be posted on what happened.. I hope she will be okay... Love, are you concerned about the welfare of her victims?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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So, last night I pressed WW to end the affair. I was firm about me not allowing this affair in the home. She talked about her counseling and that that was what she intended to do anyway but hadn't yet.
She finally agreed to end the affair and I was with her when she called OM and told him "she couldn't do this anymore" and "I can't be like this with my boys." She told him it was over for good. I wanted to talk to OM but WW didn't agree. OM didn't react well and tried to call her back several times. WW didn't answer. After the call, I asked her to unfriend him on FB, which I saw her do.
After that, she became very upset. She insisted our marriage is over as well. Talked about filing for divorce immediately and everyone moving out of our rental house and figuring out new living arrangements. None of which I agreed to.
All the trust/betrayal issues she had before resurfaced. All the anger from before her affair was coming back. The person that disappeared during the affair was now back and suddenly I was faced with all the anger and pain again she has had with our marriage building up for the past 20 years. Pain that I am responsible for in not being an affectionate and sexually fulfilling husband to her. I did not put my heart into meeting her needs and neglected her for many years choosing instead to hide in my shell and masturbate to pornography. She told me that for her, she still does not see a changed person, and that she is still paranoid and anxious about if I am betraying the marriage.
She is still very upset and not doing well emotionally. she is particularly upset about me 'tracking' her. She pushed to know how I was "tracking" her and said she needs to be tracking me as well. I tell her "I made the mistake the first time of showing her how I found out and that she just got better at hiding it so right now I am not going to give her any of those details."
I don't know what is coming next. I fully expect OM to try to re-connect. WW says she will not talk to him but seeing her anger makes me question that. I keep telling her I want this marriage to work and I am fighting for that.
Any advise on how to prepare for what's next is appreciated.
Me: BH(41)
Her: WW(44)
Married: 18 yrs
DS: 3 (11,10,7)
DDAY: 2/12/12 & 3/20/12
OM: Over Internet (meet on Facebook 12/11)
Status: Plan A, Ongoing Affair
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So, when do you expose? This affair is far from being over.
If you are asking what's next then I'll say that the affair will go underground, that's why she is asking you about your snooping methods. You did very good to not reveal them!
I believe her ramblings are the typical history rewrite by wayward, aren't they?
Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
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Ok.. sorry I thought any opinions were welcome. Please take the time to familiarize yourself with Marriage Builders concepts and board policies.
Moderator
cicada.mb@gmail.com
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I don't know what is coming next. I fully expect OM to try to re-connect. WW says she will not talk to him but seeing her anger makes me question that. I keep telling her I want this marriage to work and I am fighting for that.
Any advise on how to prepare for what's next is appreciated. Good job! Now, move onto your exposures and get that done as soon as possible. This is not over until the affair is killed DEAD. Be sure and include your children in this and most especially expose to the OM's wife and family. Just expect your wife to be furious for a while, but make it clear that you won't tolerate her affair anymore. Once that is done, move onto the next step: Ask him/her to send a no contact letter to the OP that is written together, approved by you and mailed together. [template below from SAA]
Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:
1. end all contact with the OM for life
2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle
3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc
4. no more opposite sex friendships
5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph if necessary
6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.
Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.
You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.
Unless you use this program to create a much better marriage than the one you had before the affair, you are likely looking at repeat affairs. So don't even think you can get away with sweeping the affair under the rug and going back to what you had before. What you had before led to the affair!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok.. sorry I thought any opinions were welcome. When the husband exposes her I'd like to be posted on what happened.. I hope she will be okay... Love, are you concerned about the welfare of her victims? I doubt it, considering Love86 has an active thread about her own adultery without much, if any, remorse. OP: You MUST expose this as soon as you can. As I said, no Canadian stays married for "health insurance reasons", I'm not sure if you are familiar with our system but that doesn't make much sense at all. He is likely still living with his wife.
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So, we are talking. The anger and cursing has stopped. The yelling of how terrible a husband I am (or was) has stopped. I frankly owned being a poor-excuse-of-a-husband because it was true. I owned needing to be a Giver to her. I hear (what sounds like to me like) real pain now and owning my part seemed to defuse the anger.
Nevertheless, I changed her phone number as well. So, OM no longer has her phone number. He will have to go to a lot of trouble to get it, unless she gives it to him. He may and she may. It might happen but this is where I'm at right now. I'm not holding my breath that this will stick so I'm also preparing my exposure list for what everyone on this forum expects to happen.
Thank you for your continued guidance.
Me: BH(41)
Her: WW(44)
Married: 18 yrs
DS: 3 (11,10,7)
DDAY: 2/12/12 & 3/20/12
OM: Over Internet (meet on Facebook 12/11)
Status: Plan A, Ongoing Affair
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Time2live, the affair still needs to be exposed. The purpose of exposure is to bring the affair into the light and get the support you need for your marriage. This is not a step you can skip and expect to recover your marriage. Keeping the affair a secret hurts your spouse, hurts the OM's spouse and makes it much more likely that the affair will resume. What have your children been told? Are they being lied to to help your wife cover up her disgraceful behavior? Why? Making the affair public helps EVERYONE and everything, except the affair. Affair fantasies thrive on secrecy, so helping the OM and your wife keep this secret only enables the affair. There is absolutely no valid reason to keep it secret.\ "The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is." "Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If you don't expose you will fail. It may not be right away, but the marriage will eventually fail and you will deny yourself the top method of killing an affair.
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Oops, didn't notice you'd already been there.
Last edited by karmasrose; 03/23/12 06:39 PM.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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