Steel,

I certainly understand. For me, it was like being in a slow motion train wreak. My H is a big boy and he has reaped the consequences of his own actions. He lost a lot (left the Army in disgrace after a near 30-year career, was disenrolled from an advanced school, lost his shot at being a general officer, lost something in the neighborhood of $300k in future retirement, more importantly our children's respect, and most importantly his self, etc). We all suffered from his actions.

What did we gain? We are still together, cherishing each other. our marriage has been really rough, but is becoming better than it ever was. Just last night, my H said how much he likes applying MB in our marriage.

No one faults your decision to divorce. It won't be an amicable one though. In a short while, your entitled wife (ALL waywards are entitled) will start wondering why she isn't getting more in the divorce and things will become more and more ugly.

How can we on MB forums help you? What is the outcome you envision?

AM

(Mirrormirror) was DONE DONE AND DONE for quite some time after D Day. He continued posting, ranting...and riding the rollercoaster that us betrayed do. Admittedly his WW was immediately remorseful and willing to do whatever it took recover the marriage, whereas your WW is sprouting soulmate schmoopie rubbish.

Caracal, the underlined portion of your post is not some "Oh, by the way..." sideline, it is probably the KEY determinant in whether WWs can be reformed. And it would be pertinent to add that the "immediately" is associated not only with "remorseful" but "willing" as well!

Your post is analogous to asking why someone has a negative view of flying, when a third party just returned from a great vacation, whereas "your last flight crashed into a mountain, killing half the passengers"!

I'm searching, very carefully, and having a hard time identifying recent cases where the BH of a "moved out" WW was successful in bringing the marriage back. There must be one, but there sure as heck aren't many. Once they're gone, it seems, they're GONE!

That said, Steel, I'd recommend not pulling the pin on the infidelity grenade until she leaves. Plan A until then (not bringing up the divorce option), and then Plan B/D.

Dr. Harley gives an in-depth example of an unremorseful wife. In his book, "Surviving an Affair", he talks about Sue. She was horrible, not the least bit remorseful. In the book and even in the radio show just this week, Dr. Harley remarked how Sue and her husband hated each other and now they have a passionate marriage. It wasn't easy though and maybe Steel does not want to exert the effort. It would certainly be understandable. But, if he does not want to recover his marriage, what does he want from MB?

AM

I would agree with this. I wouldn't try to talk you out of your 'I'm done' decision, as that is your right, and one I have made myself. I'm just very concerned about your PERSONAL recovery. You ARE right, if she's messed up all chances of marital recovery - that's her fault and you will be fine moving on without her.

It's just we see a lot of people say 'I'm done' too SOON. Then they dont follow the plans to prevent getting sucked back in and into a False Recovery. They leave the wayward's addiction untreated, and their own weaknesses open (financial,legal and emotional) and underestimate how much a crazed wayward will jerk them around.

Remember it is possible that she will start trying to reel you back in VERY soon. Not necessarily in a few years, when things fall apart, but she may be asking for your help and forgivenenss and saying she loves you SOON.

They tend to do this once they get the idea you are 'done' and they will lose their buddy and ability to cake-eat.

Will you be able to withstand her if she (appears) to want you back soon? Would you be still be done? If not, you need to be prepared for this.

Plan B is also very important, if she goes, you need to cut her out completely. Dont think you can maintain casual contact with a wayward, because it'll drive you nuts.

My main focus right now is getting through this divorce in the best financial shape that I can for my boys and I. We have an appointment with the atty that is doing the paperwork on monday to sign and then file. I then have to wait 90 days in this state.

I know she is going to drive me crazy during these 90 days. I know it and am preparing myself for an emotional battle from hell for these 90 days. When I get through that then we will see.

She is completely unremorseful and completely unwilling to even think about not continuing the affair. She is saying that we were done for years.

It is not a good idea to listen to anything a wayward 'says'.

She wants you both, so if you pull back there is a good chance she wil persue, or even experience genuine remorse.

Just be prepared for unexpected changes.

All waywards say that the marriage has been dead for years among countless other BS lines to justify their actions.

Someone mentioned above that usually once a wayward moves out it is usually over. My H moved out and we recovered.

He not only told me we were done - but told our kids we were done and tried to get them to back him up!

Steel - I hope that you at least take the time to work on personal recovery, even if marital recovery is not in your future. I believe you will be helped here if you so choose. If nothing else, you can learn some incredible principles on how healthy marriages work so that one day you can have an exceptional marriage - even if it isn't to your current WW.

This was my line of thinking when I was trying to push him to exposure action. Throw in the fact that this particular POSOM lives in another city and it gets even more precarious. The possibilty of recovery narrows even more. I understand his desire to protect his finances and kids (Colorado really does suck for adultery law), but if this actually does occur, well then.....

On the other hand, if she does go, and abandons her entire family, it's only a matter of time before the reality of what she's done crashes her little fantasy world. I can't even begin to imagine trying to sustain a happy, healthy (adulterous) relationship that necessitated this level of sacrifice to obtain. For how long can someone deny this?

I wouldn't want to be in her shoes.

I have already experienced some of the changes. I am not ready to go to plan B yet. (Couldn't anyway we are in a precarious position with our careers since we work together and I have to be very careful with that.)

Guys I do not want her back! What might happen months down the road I know I cant say at this point. I just know that the whole exposure deal is not for me and I don't see any point in it other than given her me as an enemy to hate.

The only option I see for myself is to stay in plan A for myself, proceed with the divorce and see what happens in the future. I know that it is far from a perfect plan but it is the best option I can up with right now.

I wouldnt advise Plan B yet, either. I meant Plan B her further on down the line as NG suggested.

Exposure as a means to bust up the A and bust up the fog...well no it doesnt matter in some ways if you dont want her back.

However wouldnt it be better for your sons to not have this new stepfather though? Or this changeling for their new mother? If she was remorseful, but single, at least they could consider staying in touch with her. The more the alien controls her, the more they will lose her. Something to consider. This guy would be easy to run off with a bit of exposure. Maybe your sons might wat to do exposure for their own reasons.

I wouldnt worry about making her angry. She is going to get angry about the divorce/everything being your fault/the weather/whatever she wants to blame you for soon anyway.

My 21 yoa son might want to do something like this. He is a grown man and will have to decide that on his own. My sons hate this SOB with a passion right now. Dont really have to worry about them accepting him. And I will do everything in my power to make sure they never accept. They are both basically grown men and wont change their minds on this especially with my influence.

I am already dealing with her trying to blame me for this happening and yes it is infuriating. I would say at this point it is the hardest thing for me to deal with and do a plan A but I'm getting stronger and better at it. She is trying so hard to deal with everyone hating her for this that she is looking for anyway to make herself look better. By the way I was told she changed her facebook status to unmarried last night.

Yeah. Be prepared for lots of nonsense like that. Waywards think they can decide themselves unmarried unfortunately.

Steel, what is your understanding of what Plan A is? Why would you Plan A if you don't want to save your marriage?

You guys are confusing as hell or we are on completely differant wavelengths. I am plan Aing for my benefit, emotionally and in the hope it will keep this divorce from blowing up into lawyer hell.

Plan A won't help you have an amicable divorce.

We aren't trying to be confusing. We are trying to help you. and warn you.

What do YOU think Plan A is? What would you do? Some people think they understand Plan A, but they don't understand it at all.

Exposure is a PART of Plan A.

Are you saying that you are going to Plan PEACE until the lawyer is dealt with? That isn't Plan A.

Plan A invvolves the carrot of needs meeting with the stick of exposure to bust up the A and test to see if it is possible to recover the marriage. It removes the what ifs.

You are doing plan nice in the hope you will get an amicable divorce.

WWs aren't great at that.

We need to get helpthelostdads on here.

HE can tell you what playing nice to get a nice divorce will do.

You'll lose lots of money and tons of time with kids (if any of them are still minors).

Steel if the exit is really what you want, its not letting her drive you crazy or trying to meet her needs unconditionally and without expectation aka plan A.

If you want a divorce you need to detach, and approach as a business decision. Save your assets, make a list of what you want and how to get there in your own life.

MB can help you try to bring her back, but if the decision is truly made, why let her inject all this drama in your life? Its done then, move on. Not many here think you are, thats why you are being challenged. Everybody goes through this..

Plan A, plan X, call it what u want. I do plan on not giving her an enemy and trying to get through this next 3-4 months. I keep repeating myself but the judge does not even look at a divorce in this state until the 90 day waiting period is over. If shes decides to alter the agreement we are signing Monday then I can stop the proceedings and get a atty and start all over. So why in the hell wouldn't I at least try it this way. Once again I DO NOT WANT HER BACK!