You don't tell him that you want him to get rid of all of his friends right now. You say things like, "I can not accept a marriage where my husband has female friends, would you like a cookie?" "Opposite sex friendships are harmful to marriages, and I am not going to accept a marriage under these circumstances, would you like some tea?"

You want to state a BOUNDARY that YOU will enforce, and it will be HIS choice if he stays or not.

What social interactions are you worried about? It is NEVER safe for you or your WH to go out with members of the opposite sex. Your RC should be with your spouse, FIRST.

Ok, social interactions, for example, where he would go to play basketball with the guys, which he likes to do. The other guys occasionally have a significant othe tag along. My WH says hello to the girl. She says hi back. They talk about the weather.

This happens enough that they like each other but niether one is interested in anything beyond that. then she sees him on her guy's FB page and friends him. he accepts because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. the occasional "like" comment gets hit and she sends out 500 e christmas cards to her facebook friends, so he sends one back.

I am thinking to myself, why is she such an attention hog and i make a mean little comment, and he says oh she is just like that, ignore her. at that point I feel annoyed, but in reality, should I be?

You can be friendly with men in a social or work setting, but you shouldn't have any one on one contact, or see them or talk with them without your spouse.

Conversation can be funny and friendly, but not personal or flirty.

You should never share relationship problems or make jokes at your Hs expense with a man, but feel free to brag about your H, especially in your Hs hearing. I.e. 'He's so funny! Smooch a kiss on your H in front of pals etc....'
If you go into Plan B, you can go out in groups but keep boundaries high and don't have close or personal convos with men

You would need to go to those basketball games as well. If you don't go, he doesn't go. Your UA time would need to be met BEFORE either of you do anything that doesn't involve your spouse.

Also, friending some girl on FB, NOPE. Not anymore. As a matter of fact, since he used FB for some nefarious behaviour, he would need to agree to get rid of FB. Don't worry, he'll live.

Your recovery conditions would state no opposite sex friends, and no FB, so that wouldn't be a problem anymore.If he doesn't have an FB page, he can't be added and there's no ones feelings to hurt!

Chatting about the weather to his buddies gf is fine (assuming that story is true) but not realsing its odd for her to add him on FB is a red flag. Girls with high boundaries don't really do that and like all men he knows that just as well as you.
His putting a random FB chick ahead of your feelings is another red flag. Some people add 'put my feelings first in all circumstances' as another EP on the list.

WH has been asking me to spend time with him the last few days. He wants "good" time set aside where we enjoy each other and do things without "our troubles entering the picture."

I like the idea and want to do it, but I am having a hard time because I know about the baby and facebook girl. So he understands the need for time together, and is making space for it, it appears it is ME who is being the problem. And I feel TERRIBLE for it because I have been wanting him to this SO BADLY since he came home from the affair. He is just looking at me and getting upset because he doesn't understand why I am not jumping on the offer. He is actually HURT over it.

Thanks for the defininitions of what is ok with opposite sex contact.

Is it that the relationship needs to be in a "good place" before I start telling him my boundries? Am I actually stalling out being successful because he does not feel good about me right now?

Plan A is supposed to make him feel good enough about me that we I leverage my continued presence against his refusal to comply with requests to not have close female friends, he will consider me more valuable? I don't actually believe it is the friends that are more valuable to him ( despite facebook girl). I think he is actually extremely resentful of having his 100% autonomy to do whatever he wants imposed upon.

I have thought to myself that the key, then, was to get him to WANT to do it. Plan A... atm though, I feel so worthless to him that I can't even believe he would ever get to that point of caring more for me than himself.

Maybe my head is just messed up now.

Do this when you can, but be good to yourself when you can't. If you can't plan A you might need plan B. Could you go out - dress up and get him to take you somewhere super great and plan A him with no expectations? Or just set something up for when you get back.



Don't believe an active addict! He's not stupid he knows his actions have been upsetting for a long time. If he was really hurt hed be doing more.



No your boundaries are fixed in place and should be viewed by him no matter what his mood is. If you wait for him to be all friendly, he'll simply figure that being mean is more worthwhile. You must be a rock - a calm happy one. You present them simply and when he gets huffy you say "so that's what I need anyway, want a cookie?"

The carrot of Plan A is more for you to feel pride in yourself and show him what he risks losing. Sure you are putting out bait to entice the enemy, but mostly its about you knowing you are great and won't put up with any crap.



Its his choice to get over it or not then isn't it? He's going to live a very lonely life if he insists on always having what he wants when he wants in spite of others' hearts. He's not a baby.



Its not about him and what he wants! The BS calls the shots and decides whether the WS is good enough for HER. If you are at your best for a couple weeks and he is still putting you at risk, you show him what life is like without you in PlanB. Dr H says if after 2 years they still won't abide by MB they're a hopeless cause and not good enough for you. You're giving HIM a chance, not the other way around.



Take a little break and you'll be fine. You've done well so far.

Read your post again. Can you see the slippery slope your WH is on? And can you see how he is gradually loosening his boundaries with this 'tag-along SO'? This is how many affairs begin.

No, you don't have to end all your social interaction. You can be friends with members of the opposite sex by consciously keeping your boundaries firm and keeping EPs in place. If you are friends with a man, WH needs to be friends with him, as well. And you should never be in a one-to-one situation with a man. And vice-versa for your WH.

You both need to agree that any friendship that causes stress or discomfort in your marriage has to end immediately (like the FB chick). And if you were following the 'no solo friends' rule I just described, neither of you would have your own FB page - you would have one together.

And you need to 'tag along' to those basketball games. Or pop by them unexpectedly to "just say hi" and bring some bottled water to the guys because you're such a thoughtful wife like that. Don't give a 'tag along' the opportunity to establish a separate relationship with your WH.

Dear Ellie,

this avalanche of info about your husband's secret second life, would be too much for any normal person.

You haven't yet told him you know.
You are afraid to lovebust him.
You feel so low and desperately need someone to love you, to validate you, to tell you that you're worthy of love. You want that someone to be your husband.

Please go back to where you met WH. If you had known, what you know now, that he would cheat on you for the majority of your marriage, that he would father a child with another woman within two years of marriage. Would you have even gone out with him?

He is not the only man on the planet. There are a lot of men out there who do NOT cheat on their wives, or have secret children they pay secret money to.

The chances to reform this serial cheater to a good MB husband are not good. In two years of marriage he has left you, betrayed you, cheated on you, stolen money and time from you. It may be time to cut your losses here.

I really feel for you, reading how bad you want your husband to be not mad at you, to be nice to you. Step back please. You are not the one who has done wrong. You deserve (I forget how Dr. Harley calls it...) "just repayment???" anyway, he should be doing his best for you. and do anything to make up for the damage he has done.

The husband you thought you loved, in all probability never existed. He will not make you happy. Altough you should not make important decisions within 6 months of discovery, think hard if he is worth it. You are worth so much more. WORTH SO MUCH MORE.

May God give you strenght and guide you,

Happyheart

well I have just upset the apple cart.
I LB by letting him see me upset.

He left earlier without telling me he was leaving and when I went to look for him, he was nowhere. So I tried calling him. I called several times and texted and got no response.

He got back to me, but he is really mad for the 4 calls I made to his cell phone over the course of 2 hours and the several texts I sent. Apparantly he misunderstands what I said and he texted back that he is done with me and our marriage is over. He says "Farewell, it seems."

I didn't say I was leaving him. I told him I was feeling a little stressed and was going over to my sister's until Monday.

No Happy, if I had known all of this would happen, when I met him, I would have walked away from loving him and letting him into my life.

Re: the stealing money thing. When I confronted him, I was so anxious to do it in a way that was considerate to him. Apparantly I messed it up, because he immediately said the marriage was over and he was leaving.

Please please tell me that his responses are not normal. Please someone verify to me that while maybe he was upset and embarressed, that a normal response would have been to sit with me and negotiate out things instead of immediately saying he was leaving me.

No they're not normal they're wayward,

C'mon Ellie you know what a mans normal response to an upset wife would be...CARE AND CONCERN. At least 50 per cent willing to solve the problem...100 per cent idf he's had an affair and is repentent!

ALL waywards get their knickers in a twist when the cake eating isn't going well. When surprise,surprise people are hurt by their idiocy.

It isn't a permanent stance and its usually a bluff.

You'll feel cooler when you've had that break.

I'd also start making your Plan B preps. You sound exhausted.

He is toxic. You will feel much better if you get away from him.

it's becoming a massive LB just to talk to him.

really, am I hurting myself to plan A and ... what do I say when I see him come in drunk? Ignore it and say I am happy to see him? i usually am happy to see him, even when things are really bad. I always have been.
What do I say when he misunderstands me and says our marriage is over? calmly and kindly explain to him what I meant and ignore response to leave me because he didn't understand me?

guys, I am listening to you.
I tried to explain to him but he is not caring. he feels I am victimizing him.

I am scared. He wasn't always like this. i guess I am so sad that maybe he really IS just this person and can't be turned back around.

Ignore all responses and reactions just as though he were drunk.

Plan B then. maybe later clearer heads will prevail.

Don't try to explain anything to the drunk! The drunk always feels victimized.

Yes it IS sad. But its his choice to be wayward.

Yes, love. Plus you are going to enjoy Plan B. I promise!