I'm 46
she is 26
three little girls 3, 5, and 6.
Married 6.5 years
Her first and my second marriage

WW asked for d sept. 2011(i tried to improve my affection to her)
Oct 26 found out about om everybody lied
about it and I kinda believed it was not real.
Nov. was hell so Nov 29 I moved down the
road to a different house.
Dec 6th called om to see whats up.
I bought it hook line and sinker.
Plus the wife was lying and I bought that.
I put it behind me.
Christmas eve and Christmas we spent together
Than in Jan she seem to start coming around more
and more and more. By the end of Jan we were
pretty much together all the time.



I am new here obviously And am involved in a pretty complicated situation with my wife. After 6 and a half years we separated When we married I was not in love with her but she had become pregnant And I wanted to do what I thought was the right thing. I had a son at the time who was about 10 years old And had quite a bit of baggage from my first wife. Throughout our marriage I used bully tactics to get what I wanted mostly sex And pretty much anything else I wanted At about 6 years of marriage my wife said she wanted a divorce So I stepped up my affection to her and Tried to be a better husband Although I still had no emotional connection to her so it didn't really go very far About 3 months later she asked me to move into the other room It was about that time that I checked her call logs on her cell phone and found evidence of am So I confronted her and that's when the lying began We tried for a month to stay in the same house but I was getting crazier and crazier and more upset So I decided to find another house to move to close by. Throughout this time I had many outburst of anger and Name calling and all kinds of madness towards her. Shortly after I moved out the om and her finally had me convinced that nothing was going on.

So I continued to pursue reconciliation with her I had a weekly outburst of anger towards her. Shortly after Christmas she seem to start coming around By the end of January it was starting to really look like we were getting back together I was happy and only saw blue skies ahead for us. On valentines day I proposed to her to marry me again. (I'm still thinking that nothing for than a few phone calls and text with the om) About a week later the om calls her and she spent 20 minutes on the phone with him Which she immediately told me about. Right away I started to wonder why would this guy be calling if there had been no affair So I interrogated her for 4 or 5 hours until she finally came clean and told me they had had an affair.

I sent him a text telling him to stay away from my wife don't call, text, or walk up to her at the school. I asked her to tell me if in anyway he contacted her or approached her at the school. And I asked her to be completely honest with me from here on out. Over the next 7 days she continued to lie to me about many things 1 of them being that he did approach her at the school And two that she chose to call him on a Saturday of that week claiming she was telling him to stay away. All that week I just continued to try to remind her to stay the hell away from him. So after 7 days of her continuing to lie to me and be dishonest I blew a gasket and got violent I grabbed her face I grabbed her hair I knocked holes in the wall pulled my pants down and put it in her face. I just lost it. I swear it seems that 1 week of her lying to me after we looked eye to eye and agreed to be honest has done more damage to me than the actual affair.

So from my perspective She has not 1 time been honest with me on her own it has all been Interrogated out of her by me. And the three things I asked of her she didn't do. So after all that she said that she now sees the value in being honest with me and that she has been completely honest with me from that day forward. Now 1 of the main thing that's bothering me is that the om child is in my daughters class at the school we attend And if I had my way we would remove our child from that school immediately.

We actually moved to this area to specifically go to that school because we have friends there and my wife is very tied into that school I understand that But everyday when she is there 2 times per day this year and 3 times per day next year she will have the opportunity to run into this guy dropping off his kid or picking up. Plus assemblies fares And anything else we have to go to at the school we have the potential of running into him. She becomes angry at me for my request to leave the school and I explained I heard she seems to get it but then she still is angry. I have talked to the guy on the phone a couple times and I've text-ed him And all of that ended up with the police being called on me. Cuz apparently he's a p****. I think it would be extremely wise for me to never run in to him.

Now here I go; I believe she is done with this guy and here�s why she ended it all on her own and he continued to pursue her A little bit (and the phone records back this up). And she never went back to him the pa all took place in a two week period of time and during that time she was miserable missed her kids and saw me falling apart (which surprised her because i was the guy that would just tell her to get the f out if she wasn�t happy.) I was begging, crying and screaming for her to come back. One other thing is she didn�t fall for this guy, and I figured that out on my own it was obvious she hadn�t. When I read MB website I was grateful as heck that she had not fallen for this guy in the classic sense.

Now about me, I am a bully towards her especially now more intense now than ever before and I know that laying my hands on my wife for any reason is wrong and the police should be called!! I am a sober and clean alcholic/addict and tend to be pretty intense when I feel insecure, disrespected or I�m in emotional pain. It�s been a month sense I found out about the pa and I have had outbursts of anger every couple days sense then.

1. I need a course of action that I can begin to take to bring me down from this emotion driven place I am at.
2. How much relief would I get if we got out of that school? She does not think she needs to move schools. (thats where it all began and where there is the potential to see him again.)

3, Our family is a mess and we need help what should we do?

4. Ask me anything I want help desperately.

5. Last saturday I went to the doc and got on anti anxiety meds, (helps some)

Hi Cpool, welcome to Marriage Builders. What a mess! But you can turn this around if you are ready for some hard work.

The most immediate things that have to be addressed are:

1. getting out of that school and away from the OM - non negotiable. Ending contact with her OM is not negotiable. Even if you have to move, it should be done

2. YOU getting into an anger management class NOW. Dr Harley would probably even suggest you separate again because you are so dangerous. I don't know if that is necessary though if you pull your child out of that school and get into anger management and take your anti-depressants

Go here and listen to all of these radio clips on anger management and then come back and ask questions. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2603602#Post2603602

I have some questions.

1. is the OM married?

2. has the affair been exposed to everyone? ie, her family, yours, the OM's family, your close friend? If not, it needs to be exposed.

3. are you spying on your wife so you can ensure there is no contact? Her telling you about contact is useless because it misses the point. Every contact puts her back to day 1 of recovery

This has to stop TODAY. You don't have the luxury of going insane anymore, my friend. You are getting angry BECAUSE YOU CHOOSE THAT REACTION. This situation is already bad enough, stop making it worse.

om is Single.

No there has been no exposure. She ended affair new years eve while we were still separated.

Do we still need to expose this to everyone? I know one reason is that we need help.

Yes I am spying.

Should I ask her to post up here? Her story and questions she may have?

Don't bring her here yet. Call up her parents, your parents, close family members, tell them about the affair and ask for their support. [go read the thread in my link for talking points] The more people who know, the more people to hold her accountable and support your marriage. You are not doing this to be mean, but to get support for you and your marriage. You desperately need all the help you can get.

Find that rat POSOM [piece of **** OM] on facebook and send out exposure letters to his family and friends so they will know what a piece of crap he is. Go read instructions on how to do this in the thread in my signature.

Actually the affair has not ended. She still sees the OM at school. That would be like an alcoholic changing the name of his drinks to "business drinks" and expecting things to change. That is all she has done.

"l pulled my pants down and put it in her face."

This is sexual assault. You are dangerous.

The two of you need to be living apart until her safety is assured.

You can work plan A in the meantime.

Were you married when you met her? Is this an affair marriage?

Well I had not thought about that yes I was still married but I have been separated and filed for divorce for 3 years. it was an ugly divorce and took a total of 5 years. It was a long drawn out divorce.

So what are you going to do to control your Angry outbursts?

How are you going to make sure your wife is safe from you?

I would get the book lovebusters and go straight to the AO chapter.

How long after you were divorced did you marry your current wife?

I am disclosing my inapropriate bevaviour to an accoutability group. I am seeing a couneslor. I went to her mom this morning and diclosed eveeything including my inapropriate stuff i included in my original post. So disclosure has begun.

Have you exposed her affair? Did you read the thread in my signature?

How long after the separation did you date your WW?

Just to make sure: you understand that there is zero chance of her being open and honest with you, because she is afraid you will get mad? You are not doing yourself a favor by that, I hope you realize that. Of course she will not disclose anything herself if she is putting herself in danger.

3 years. Although my divorce was not final.

I think his ww is posting here. Wasn't there a WW that just started to post about an abusive husband.

Ihurthim was a poster who is a WW and talked about her husband's abuse. CPool is Ihurthim your WW?

My wife is not posting here. That must be a different a--hole husband.

Well my mother in law picked me up tonight and I am going to be staying at her house I disclose all of my behavior to her and told her that I know I can't be alone Or I will run right back to her daughter and start fighting all over again. She is going to talk with her daughter about starting to take some of the appropriate steps according to marriage builders I really hope she chooses not to go to school ever again. But I need to realize that I cannot force her to do these things But I can decide if we should be in the same house or if we should be separated. I have absolute diarrhea of the mouth Diarrhea of emotions and I need somebody to sit on me right now. Thankfully my mother in law is willing to do that for me right now so I can regain some footing.