This will continue to happen while she is wayward.

What snooping techniques do you have in place?

You need to expose this affair. It will help kill the affair, but you need to know what you're dealing with.

You will continue to see and feel hurtful things until you follow a plan. Carrot and Stick of Plan A

None at the moment because she doesn't use the main computer anymore and I can't get access to her phone. And right now with my schedule at work I don't have the ability to follow her. May get a chance today if I can get off early.

Can you afford a PI? A friend of yours to follow her?

How about getting a VAR and put it in the house and her car? GPS her car?

Alright guys planned I guess backfired. I left work early and went by the ymca where I thought my wife was going running. She was not there so I guess ya'll know what ran through my mind. So I went by where she works and didn't see the van there either. Let me mention this that right before I did the snooping I found out that the guy she texted for three hours texted her right before she got off work and was suppose to go running. So needless to say my mind went racing so after not seeing the van at the school were she works I stopped on the side of the road because I was going to try and find the address of the guy so I could go there. About that time she passed by me. Well to put a long story short I now have moved out of the house because she said she was going to move into an apartment but I would have to pay the house payment on my own which I cannot do on my salary. So to keep from losing the house and displacing my kids from the only home they know I agreed to move out. However I did have her agree to go see her counselor this Thursday and then after that we would go see a marriage counselor. I feel this is the right path for me and still follow some of the plans in place here.

You need to go right back home. If your wife moves out she can't just stop paying the bills. She would have to continue paying the mortgage. If you want to save your marriage, you need to go home and tell HER she can leave but will have to continue paying the mortgage and can't take family money to finance her apt.

You have made a terrible mistake by leaving and abandoning your family. Most judges will give you HELL for running and leaving your family like that. Especially in their time of NEED. Courts FROWN on abandonment!


Going to a "counselor" is a complete waste of time while she is an affair and will not compensate for the damage you caused by leaving.

You need to STOP making mistakes and GO HOME. Read this: Men, do not leave your home!

Right now I have to go with my gut feeling and say the affair is over with. I honestly don't believe she would be willing to go to counseling if it wasn't. I might be wrong or I might be right. I just know I was somewhat headed in the right direcrion until I snooped to much. Will I quit trying to save my marriage, no I will nor but somehow I have to convince her that we can gain the trust back that we once had. The trust that we both have lost because of my snooping and her affair. I think I need to go about saving my marriage in a different way using some of the principles I have learned here and read in the books. I am just going to have to put my trust into the lord and pray that she is not still having the affair and that she will come around and work on the marriage after we go to counseling together.

Instead of having hope, how about having a Plan?

Have you read this by Dr. Harley abuot snooping? Snooping in a Marriage

What's wrong with following Plan A? You need to follow both the carrot and stick.

Did you move back in your house?

Many waywards agree to counseling while they are still active in an affair. Have you read the false recovery thread?

Trust but verify!!! I'm wondering what your WW has even done to earn your trust? NOTHING.

My friend we are trying to help you have a wonderful marriage.

I know ya'll are trying to help and I appreciate it but it just seems like everything is falling apart. I know I need to move back in that is why I came up with the plan that we both go to counseling together maybe there I can get her to admit that the affair is still going on since I can't find no proof that it is yet. This is my plan for the next couple weeks at least.

t2c, you are making terrible strategic mistakes that are going to destroy your marriage for no good reason. Snooping can only harm your marriage if your spouse has something to hide. And apparently she does. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. Your wife is in an affair and that is why she doesn't want you snooping. Now she has tricked you into leaving the house so she can carry on her affair in peace and quiet. right in your own home!!

So, until you WAKE UP out of your fog and get yourself HOME and continue snooping, this is hopeless. Your tactics have only made it easier for them to carry on the affair. IN YOUR HOME!!

And IF she does go to counseling, she will only go so she can "I tried" when she kicks you to the curb for the OM. Counseling is useless when one spouse is in an affair.

That is a bad plan. The longer you are out of your home, the harder it will be to get back in. She isnt' going to admit her affair in counseling anymore than she is going to admit it to you. She isn't going to admit it. You have to FIND IT OUT on your own.

You only think things are falling apart because your goal is to avoid your wife's anger at ALL COST and ours is to save your marriage. They are entirely different goals. Your wife is upset because you are close to catching her cheat. That is all that happened here. The solution is to get home and do a better job of snooping. Put a GPS on her car, a VAR under her drivers seat and bust her.

You don't know what you are doing and only trying to avoid conflict. At the expense of your marriage. If you run and abandon your family every time she says BOO, you have already lost.

Go HOME. And do a better job of snooping next time. Hire a PI or do something that is more effective.

Man up and move back home. Act like a man leading the household, not running away.

DO NOT LEAVE THE MARITAL HOME, I guarantee that is the advice you will get from any attorney as well.

I remember my ex telling me at one point, why dont you man up and move out, I said, I am manning up and fighting for my family

I agree will all above, snooping does not destroy trust with people who have nothing to hide.

Sorry for the 2X4.

here

MelodyLane did your spouse keep telling it was over and that the trust could never be built back to where it needed to be. How long did it take for your spouse to love you again. I know every situation is different but I would just like a general idea.

When you leave the marital home, you have given her a ticket to tell everyone that you've abandoned your family and her kids, but that this amazing OM has swooped in to take care of what you left. Do you understand how badly this hurts you? It doesn't matter what she says at this point - you NEED to stand your ground as a father because right now she's shopping for a replacement for YOUR children.

No, I told him it was over and it took about 2 years for me to fall in love with him again. If your wife works really hard she can restore your love and earn your forgivness. But you will never have that chance if you abandon your family. You have to go home if she is to have a chance at earning your forgiveness. Running away won't help your marriage. Moving out only serves to facilitate her affair and greatly increases your chance of divorce.

Also, judges will give you hell for abandoning your family. That is a strategic mistake that you need to correct!

Many WS do say "it is over" when their BS interferes with the affair but that all changes when the affair is killed. For example, when you cut a drunk off at the bar, he makes crazy threats like that too, but you wouldn't take it seriously would you? Just because your wife says "it is over" doesn't mean it is. Obviously you are still married, aren't you?

The "trust" part is patently retarded so I wouldn't respond to that. Obviously, she is the one who can't be trusted. It is untrustworthy to cheat, it is not untrustworthy to CATCH her cheating. When she says stupid things like that, try not to laugh.

You have surrendered your wife and your children to the OM without a fight. Are you french?

You have told your wife "it is over" by moving out. The OM didn't have to fire a single shot and you just surrendered. You just showed your wife that you aren't willing to fight for your marriage.

Your complacent approach reflects a lack of caring.

I will never again drink coke while reading one of your posts. You owe me a new keyboard and monitor.

you deserve it for drinking Coke, you dawg!!

Ahhh, I forgot that you're a (blech) Pepsi freakazoid!