Any way you can dump this MC? She's done tremendous damage already by advising on no poly. The money would be better put aside for MB coaching, should he come clean - or spent on pedicures come to that.

Plus dumping her sends a strong message to your WH that you aren't going to let him wriggle out of stuff in a counsellors room any more. The more escape routes get closed off, the more the truth becomes his only option.

starfish, I just saw your post about the MC and want to ask you a couple of questions. If you went to MC would your MC support your position and explain that you aren't going on unless he comes clean? What scares me is that you will get in there and be ganged up on by a MC and your H and then you will have nothing to fall back on. If that happens it would be a disaster.

I think it might help to go see that MC today *IF* you have her assurance that she will try to persuade him to come clean and she fully understands that recovery cannot be based on lies.

Never mind, I just saw this.

I think you should text what I said previously to your husband and let him know that there is nothing to talk about until he is ready to come clean. And state that his window of opportunity is getting smaller and smaller as every minute passes.

Yes, I went for a walk today with my dogs and think I might float on a raft in my pool. My friend is in town, so might meet her for lunch later...

I did speak to her yesterday and she did say that she would do EVERYTHING she could to help me get the truth, so that was why I kept the appt. with her. Last night, my WH was at a bar and didn't respond to my text that I sent him at 8:30. He texted me back at 12:30am asking, "Are you up?". I didn't respond. I'm not playing these games. I am serious. I'll let him sweat it out for a bit. He has been calling me, my mom and sister (nobody is responding). He wants to know why I cancelled our appt. I just can't talk to him right now.

How long should I wait to respond to him?

You should only respond once, with the text that ML suggested.

Ok, I'm going to wait for a little bit... He is boating/fishing today and I'd rather him receive it when he is alone. I'm afraid that he is with his toxic brother today on our boat that is for sale!

Starfish,

I've been following this thread since its inception. I am very sorry for what you are going through, and I'm very angry at the cruelty of your husband. You seem to be a person of remarkable character, and he seems to be the opposite.

I am bothered that he can go out drinking at bars with friends and go fishing when his marriage is in such turmoil. It shows where his priorities are and how insensitive he is. To paraphrase from Thoreau, his actions speak so loudly, we can't hear a thing he is saying.

I don't believe that you can carry on this way for long, and I think plan B needs to come very soon. He needs a strong jolt.

In support of what others have said here, do nothing with him until he comes clean. He must answer your questions honestly and he must take another polygraph to confirm his written answers. Until he does you should be in the dark. Don't lovebust, but be very firm as you have up to this point.

His manipulation is cruel and inhumane.

Stay strong and let grace fill you during this difficult time.

Peace.

Actually, she is not in plan B and should not be dark unless/until she IS.

She should avoid him if she will love bust.
When with him, should show that she is a safe place to be honest (that she will handle it without lovebusting)
Is willing to have a really wonderful marriage with him, but will not support his independent behaviour as a way to be married.

She should meanwhile gets everything lined up for if she needs to go dark into Plan B.

Thank you for your kind words!!! Yes, this is devastating to say the least and his actions are adding insult to injury. He is clueless! I am going to meet a friend for a bite to eat (if I can) and to talk. I took a nap today and trying to take care of myself. Today has been the first day that I actually dried and styled my hair. I put a cute sundress on too... hoping it would make me feel a little better!

I just don't understand why he is doing this to me and yes, it is very cruel!

Its all straight out the wayward handbook, unfortunately. Its a horrible book but at least they're predictable.

I know she is not in plan b yet, Reading. But if her husband is not willing to be truthful, she is on a treadmill and she will be pulled under it in no time. He might be driving Starfish to a nervous breakdown. He is being manipulative and abusive, and she cannot let him obfuscate the boundaries of truth and honesty though he is working very hard (when not in a bar or on a boat) to do just that. If she negotiates on his terms she is enabling him and not getting anywhere. I said "go dark," and should have worded that differently. What I meant was do not negotiate with him. Don't give in and don't accept anything other than complete honesty. She won't know he's honest until he passes a poly. Time to go through the process she just went through again. If he refuses, than I think she should end negotiations, which might be the next step towards plan b.

Ok, I just sent him the following:

WH,

This is very serious and i can't move forward until I have the truth.

Our marriage can survive your affairs, but it can't survive your lies. This will never work until you come clean. �I don't believe you and I am serious about not staying in marriage that is based on lies and deceit.


I really don't see how I have anything else left to say until he tells me that he is ready to tell me the truth.

Ah Starfish,

No matter what happens, this thread will become a 'how its done, newbie' resource. Just amazing how well you're doing.

The best is yet to come. I see you either doing a sterling personal recovery or a great marital recovery. It all depends how foolish he is.

SF,
Regarding your text to WH: well done.

Message from WH:

BW,

you have to think of the chain of events to understand that I'm telling you the truth, and that there is nothing else to tell you, you know everything. I'm not going to make stuff up. �If you wanted to humiliate me, you did. I knew I did not to well on the test because I could tell by the guys reaction, and that made it even worse. I failed that test, because the questions alone haunt and hurt me, because of what I did to you and us. �I could feel the questions coming and that alone caused anxiety for what I did, not fear of what I'm keeping from you. You have to start believing that im not hidding anything else, it's all out there on the table. I have also done everything you have asked me to, to show you I am committed to fixing our marriage. I love you and miss you. I want nothing more than to start repairing us, but you have to believe me now, and I know that will be hard, but you have too. �

He is asking you to give him the benefit of the doubt. He is hoping to bluff his way out of this.

He disappoints me. 2 and a half hours later and that's the best he can come up with? This guy thinks awfully highly of himself, and obviously doesn't have much respect for your intelligence. A 10 year old could see through his [censored].

Star, you may need to start thinking a about seriously dark Plan B. I'm no vet, but this guy is a master liar. By his own admission, he's done it all his life. But now it's affecting you and your well being. You need to protect you. This isn't gonna cut it. He has no remorse for what he has done whatsoever, and I mean none.

I'm not going to respond...
This email is BS!!!!!

I don't know where to go from here.... Somebody please help me!!!!