WH just texted me:

I'm coming by to do yard work sometime this morning and see the dogs. �If you don't want to see me then please go some where for an hour or two and let me know what time that will be. TY

I told him the yard was taken care of yesterday.

He wants to come by and get our dogs to take them for a walk.
My mom has offered to come by our house, so she is here when he comes by. I'm going to the beach for a couple hours with my sister and her friend.

Plan B will take care of that. It takes at least a few days to prepare though and make sure you do it thoroughly.

It has to be a dark plan and it must be impossible for him to breach it, otherwise it won't work.

Do you have a good, neutral intermediary? We have an intermediary training thread on here.

I have no idea about an IM.

In plan B you cannot communicate directly with WH. You provide him with a contact who will act as a go between.

The Harleys say the go between must act as a "spam filter" removing all non pertinent info from messages. The IM can only pass messages regarding bills, finances etc. They will also tell the BS when the WS is ready to abide by all MB conditions and a recovery plan.

It is very stressful for a BS to hear loving, pleading words and ofentimes angry, demanding words from a WS who is still continuing an affair or secret second life.The IM sheilds them from the severe health effects of on going contact.

Everyone in my family was too angry to be suitable for the job. You need a cool head. Also an intermediary sees the addict at their worst, and I didn't want a relative to hate him so much it would end their relationship for recovery. A super experienced MBer volunteered to help me as an email contact for WH and now I am an intermediary too.

Some people ask a level headed friend to do it and the training thread on here will tell you all you need to know.

Do you have someone who would agree to remain neutral?

SF, the role of the IM is to remain neutral and ONLY pass on pertinent information about your finances, etc. NOTHING ELSE unless he has agreed to meet your conditions. For example, the typical WS will try to manipulate the IM into persuading you to break your silence. [how can we fix the marriage if we are not speaking?? and crap like that] He will try to get you to break your silence rather than meet your conditions. The IM has to be savvy enough to see past that and agree not to pass on anything unless strict agreement to your conditions. [other than pertinent financial issues]

I would send him something like this:


My Dear WS,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affairs possible. I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs.

But I cannot do that until you are completely honest with me about the past. Until then, I will avoid seeing or talking to you. My friend, Sally, has agreed to act as an intermediary and will forward any pertinent information about finances, the dogs or the house.

Your affairs and your continued dishonesty has caused me enormous suffering and I cannot stay in contact with you under these conditions.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you in this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your dishonesty, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are not telling me the truth. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to be completely honest and pass a polygraph test, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are being dishonest.

With my love,
starfish

Thank you ML!!!!!

Do you have money in an account that only you can access for a good while if you go to Plan B and your WH doesn't make sure you have funds to pay your bills and for food, etc? It is an emergency fund to access if you can't get other funds to cover things.

If not, try to get that set up this coming week.

Yes, I opened up my own account last week.

Changing the locks on Tuesday. I've got some work to do...

I can't really think of anybody that would be a neutral IM. Is there a place here that I could find someone to help with that? I don't think family or friends are going to work and most of them are already emotionally involved.

Do you have a friend who would agree to remain neutral? she might be emotionally involved, but only has to agree to be neutral TO HIM in her interactions.

Hey Starfish,

Could I just ask first what you understand Plan B to be? Have you read up on it and understand that it is a legnthy process?

You can Plan B for a max of two years - I decided on six months then to review at that six month period.

Plan B creates a WH free universe, after withdrawal you focus on creating an amazing life solely for yourself and you don't look back.

The door is left open for the WS via the Plan B letter, but the BS isn't sitting around watching that door.

I just wanted to make sure you understand that. You could have the best IMin the world (and we can help you find one) but the real success of your plan rests on you.

Its going to be hard ML, because my friends have little ones and not sure if they would be able to... I think it might be too much. We have two dogs that he wants to see also. I don't want to keep the dogs from him. They are our children right now.

He can still see the dogs, but you would want to drop them off somewhere so he can pick them up. Perhaps his parents?

Would your sister be an IM? I hate asking family members but she might do in a pinch.

Can I ask why? A big part of Plan B is letting the WS see all the consequences they didn't consider before they had an A. He didn't consider losing his lifestyle, which included the dogs, so he can't really complain about that.

While children still see the WS in plan B, they have usually gone through exposure and are q vocal about wanting Dad to end the A and come home.

There are also laws re children which don't apply to dogs. What would you do if he picked them up one day and just didn't bring them back? That would be an easy way for him to mess up your plan.

Don't cosider the WSs feelings in Plan B.They are supposed to hit rock bottom.

However if you want a dogsitter for one or two weekends a month, so you can have some free time - and have someone reliable who can make sure they get the dogs back for you on pickup, then that could work.

I agree GO that she should only do it if its to her benefit.

I'm also concerned her letting him see them when she doesn't have to is EN meeting on her part - its affectionate to consider him and she cannot meet needs in Plan B

Indiegirl and GO are absolutely right. Since he is not willing to do even the very bare minimum to maintain his marriage, then I wouldn't continue to sacrifice your mental health to accommodate his love of your dogs. Dogs are not children, after all. Right now my beloved doggies have been my sisters house 7 hours away for the last 6 weeks while I am selling my house. We have all done just fine. And my dogs dont even miss me!