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What does HAVE WORKED......mean?
The sample letter in the book Surviving An Affair can't be beat.
They are not magic though. They simply state the situation, you love the spouse deeply and are willing to recover the marriage with them once they end the affair completely and meanwhile you will not be in direct contact with them.
Plan B should not be entered as a reaction to a spouse doing something like lying on a polygraph.
There are no expectations in plan A, just clarifications of how awesome YOU are.
You enter Plan B with planning and calculation and with all your ducks in a row and enter it to get out of the drama but not in reaction to one event.
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Please don't be so harsh... I'm doing EVERYTHING that I can!!!! I'm just wondering what I should do now... I haven't responded and seriously contemplating Plan B, but wondering if anybody has sample live letters that HAVE WORKED? Uh, Star, I sincerely apologize if that come across as harsh. That was not my intent at all. Yes, you are doing everything you can, but it's a two way street. There is no way you can repair your marriage without the complete and enthusiastic cooperation of your WH. I am in no way seeing ANY efforts on his part to do this, or has any intentions to do this in the near future. I truly wish it were different, but this is the way I see it. You need to start preparing for PB, and now. This is for yourself. You can't take much more of this. Hugs to you!!
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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What does HAVE WORKED......mean? . Wondering same thing. For all that you are doing everything right Star, and that you are the obvious choice if he wants to be happy, He is free to choose misery - everyone is. Peachyisback's H remained in love with her for years after she D'd him. He carried her Plan B letter around like a talisman. But he's still wayward to this very day. While others are recovered and have better marriages than ever. All Plan B letters are based on The one in SAA but obviously ones personalised with love pack an extra punch.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Thank you... Just need more insight/advice (explicit details) for Plan B!
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What I'm wondering is if anybody has sample letters that they can share? Anything that turned the WS around or hit home?
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starfish, the purpose of Plan B is not to force him into doing something against his will, but to protect you from his dishonesty. As you can see, his continued path of dishonesty is tearing you down and it will get worse. He is hoping he can bluff his way out of this.
Plan B is solely to remove you from a situation that going to harm you emotionally and physically. This situation is more harmful than even the initial discovery of the affair because when you have given him every opportunity to come clean, he continued to lie.
I have a question that has bugged me. How did you find out about his affair? Looking back, how long have you seen red flags? Do you see things in your history with him that cause you to question your history with him?
Also, does OW1 have any children?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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What I'm wondering is if anybody has sample letters that they can share? Anything that turned the WS around or hit home? See my post. If you haven't been able to turn him around there is nothing you can say that will do that. You can't force him to be honest. He has gone to great lengths throughout this whole thing to lie to you. You have given him every opportunity to come clean and he persists in trying to lie. I don't know what he is hiding, but it must be pretty serious for him to go to these lengths. When a practiced, habitual liar flunks a polygraph test, you don't give him the benefit of the doubt.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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While Plan B may motivate a spouse to realise all the needs you meet....and how miserable they are without you....
....They may just choose to be wayward liars forever cause they like it. They'll find another woman to fool.
As Mel says, you have given it your all and you can't force him.
Some WS take two years to see the light and others never do.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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starfish, the purpose of Plan B is not to force him into doing something against his will, but to protect you from his dishonesty. As you can see, his continued path of dishonesty is tearing you down and it will get worse. He is hoping he can bluff his way out of this.
Plan B is solely to remove you from a situation that going to harm you emotionally and physically. This situation is more harmful than even the initial discovery of the affair because when you have given him every opportunity to come clean, he continued to lie.
I have a question that has bugged me. How did you find out about his affair? Looking back, how long have you seen red flags? Do you see things in your history with him that cause you to question your history with him?
Also, does OW1 have any children? No, OW#1 doesn't have children. He told me about OW#2 when I had a list of ?'s that weren't especially for OW#1 anymore. Instead I started asking him, "Any other woman?" and that's how I found out. I had questions about his contact with OW#1, but didn't fight the subject.
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Starfish, The second link in the Forums, under notable posts, has a link to sample plan B letters. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2558482#Post2558482
(ME): BS 53 years old. Divorce final 8/13/12
After 2 failed marriages, not planning on marrying again.
Isaiah 43: 18,19
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
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ML:
What do you suggest I do now?
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Dr H as per usual sums it up neatly While I have seen remarkable success by people using plan A and plan B, success is by no means guaranteed. The problem with Plan B is that the unfaithful spouse may not return, nor agree to the plan for recovery, even after the affair has ended. Separation in marriage is always risky because, "out of sight, out of mind." Unless plan A leaves the wayward s spouse with the impression that returning home is an attractive choice, separation can become permanent. So before implementing plan B, you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A. That way, the separation can help create, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."
As it turns out, most affairs end within six months of their seeing the light of day and 95% end in two years. Even those few that end in marriage have only a 25% rate of success. What drives affairs is passion, not commitment, and once the passion wanes, there is nothing to help the lovers restore their passion. So when passion is gone from an affair, a wayward spouse is usually motivated to return to the betrayed spouse by all of these other factors. For most, it's a logical choice.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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ML:
What do you suggest I do now? I would continue to let him know for about a week that you don't believe he is telling the truth and can't move forward this way. Let him know this will be his last chance. Give him a few days and then send him a Plan B letter and change your locks. Think about this for a minute. If you had just flunked a polygraph test [after fighting it tooth and nail for some time] would you be insisting you were one of the rare "5%" or would you be demanding a repeat test with another tester? That is what I would be doing. I wouldn't be demanding that you believe me, I would be demanding another test with another tester. I just don't see any other way than plan B. I think that he thinks he can still bluff his way out of this. I can tell he has a long habit of being able to successfully lie his way out of trouble. Were you aware of this before? Looking back, did you see other red flags in his behavior?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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How much travel has he done over the past few years? I don't think he is addicted to a specific person, but to a secret second life where he engaged in regular cheating. Is that possible?
The other possibility is that he is protecting a long term affair with OW #1.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He traveled at least 4 times this past year.
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He is asking one of my best friends for her phone number. I asked her not to, because he is going to lie to her too and try to get her on his side.
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ML:
What do you suggest I do now? I would continue to let him know for about a week that you don't believe he is telling the truth and can't move forward this way. Let him know this will be his last chance. Give him a few days and then send him a Plan B letter and change your locks. Think about this for a minute. If you had just flunked a polygraph test [after fighting it tooth and nail for some time] would you be insisting you were one of the rare "5%" or would you be demanding a repeat test with another tester? That is what I would be doing. I wouldn't be demanding that you believe me, I would be demanding another test with another tester. I just don't see any other way than plan B. I think that he thinks he can still bluff his way out of this. I can tell he has a long habit of being able to successfully lie his way out of trouble. Were you aware of this before? Looking back, did you see other red flags in his behavior? ML: Should I mention anything to him about an honest person would want to take another test instead of saying he or she is the 5% or would this be considered LB?
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Star,
Let him know that it is called a lie detector test for a reason. If he thinks the test was faulty he should retake it. Otherwise the results stand. Be firm and resolved.
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Ok, I think I'm already ready for Plan B. I keep waking up out of my sleep with awful stomach pains. TMI; diarrhea and dry-heaving. I can't take this pain anymore.... It's too much for me!!!!!
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