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Starfish level with me here - is it important for you to maintain some link or contact with your WH?
Sharing your love for the dogs is a bit like you don't want to let go.
I'm afraid Plan B is very VERY scary in the beginning because you have to cast them adrift.
Can you do that? He is able to grow up and take the poly at any time and you have to cast him off completely while that remains undone.
I've been there. I know how difficult it is.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I do not have a desire to maintain contact IF I decide to go into Plan B. I'm sorry some of you cannot understand that our dogs ARE our children. I have been dealing with INFERTILITY for 3 years, which is extremely painful and a topic that I choose not to discuss right now. Our dogs may be the only "children" that we ever have. I would give my left arm and leg for a child. If was lucky or blessed enough to have that experience of my own (having a child), then I might know the difference between the feeling of a child and a dog. Please do not patronize me for the way that I feel about my dogs. My WH feels the same way about them and yes, meeting an EN or whatever you choose to call it, he has also suffered infertility with me. Maybe not as much as me, but he has still suffered.
The things I know about Plan B are from Indie's signature. I have asked about it before and this was the information I received. Maybe I'm not quite ready for Plan B, if I don't know EVERYTHING about it or how much time it's going to take to implement the process. I would like to know everything about it, so if someone could point me in the right direction, I would appreciate it. I would like to make the right decision for myself.
I have plans to change the locks on Tuesday.
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Please do not patronize me for the way that I feel about my dogs. My WH feels the same way about them and yes, meeting an EN or whatever you choose to call it, he has also suffered infertility with me. Maybe not as much as me, but he has still suffered.
. Starfish, no one means to be patronizing or suggest your feelings are not normal. On the contrary it is highly NATURAL for you to want to continue meeting his ENs. I GET IT. I was there. One day you're in a marriage where you wouldn't dream of making a move without considering his feelings (good marital habit) and the next you are supposed to just cut him off and not meet any of his needs (because that's a bad Plan B). Its amazingly tough to do. Like amputating your own leg. But do you understand the logic of why it is necessary? Why Dr H says you should not meet any of his needs in Plan B? If you need to do some more reading, check it out. If you have more q's just ask! I understand It's a lot to learn in a short space of time and that it is highly counter intuitive. That's why I'm asking how far on you are with the concepts. The link in my sig is more to do with correct preparations than with the need for and reasons behind Plan B... I'll try to dig you out another link when I'm on a proper computer.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I will add that I do have fears that he could take the dogs, but if he did that I would go right to Plan D.
I have no idea how I'm going to think or feel from one moment to the next. I'm in a whirlwind and my world has been completely turned upside down.
I'm on FMLA right now and WH and I do work for the same company. Our hours are slightly different, but not by much. Eventually I'm going to have to go back to work. I can avoid him, but there is a chance we will run into each other. We very rarely see each other as it is there.
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Thank you!!! Is this information (Plan B) in one of his books? I have a few books, but I'll be honest, I quit reading all of them once I discovered OW#2. Previously, we worked on Recreational Activities and EN's. I put an end to all of that when I discovered that he had still been lying to me.
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My experience has taught me that the health of most women deteriorates quickly and significantly while living with an unfaithful husband. Men, on the other hand, tend to be able to weather the storm longer with fewer emotional or physical effects. I call the strategy of complete separation Plan B.
In addition to avoiding health problems, a separation also helps a betrayed spouse hang on to what remains in their spouse's Love Bank account. Daily interaction with an unfaithful spouse causes such large withdrawals, that a separation with no contact between spouses can actually help the marriage by temporarily freezing the betrayed spouse's Love Bank. When the affair is over, the betrayed spouse is less likely to divorce when the unfaithful spouse wants to give the marriage a chance to recover.
Yet another advantage to separation is that some of the basic needs met by the betrayed spouse suddenly disappear. An unfaithful spouse often overlooks the betrayed spouse's contributions. While the lover may meet two basic needs that were unmet by the betrayed spouse, the betrayed spouse may have been meeting the other three that cannot be easily met by the lover. During a separation, the unfaithful spouse can become acutely aware of what he or she is missing.
When a betrayed spouse decides that it's time to separate, I recommend complete separation with absolutely no direct contact (Plan B). The unfaithful spouse should be given the choice of having contact with the betrayed spouse or the lover, but not both. Someone should be appointed to go between spouses, delivering messages and children during visitation. But until the unfaithful spouse promises to completely end the affair, with absolutely no contact with the lover, the separation should continue. After the separation has lasted two years, with the unfaithful spouse's contact with the lover continuing, I generally recommend a divorce.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Starfish - I have infertility issues and probably will not ever bear children, we're still going through Maternal Fetal and Repro to get some second and third opinions. I have all of my animals in my will, with their guardians, and money to go to take care of them. To many people that's excessive. I call the cats the 'children'.
However, I would listen to the vets here and if he's not willing to recover the marriage I would not share the dogs. You've heard of people stealing children - you will have very little legal recourse with an animal if he takes it and waywards are not fit parents to animals or children.
Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
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Where can I find the specifics of Plan B?
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Thank you!!! Is this information (Plan B) in one of his books? I have a few books, but I'll be honest, I quit reading all of them once I discovered OW#2. Previously, we worked on Recreational Activities and EN's. I put an end to all of that when I discovered that he had still been lying to me. In SAA Jon gets Sue back because he stops meeting her needs in Plan B. The OM Greg isn't up to the job full time and the A crashes without Jon propping them up. It takes him about two years. In your situation the OW prob meet one, maybe two needs tops. They are only adequate while you agree to meet the other needs they don't.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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waywards are not fit parents to animals or children. Truth! Many people here would love for it to be legal to deny access while they were still addicts!
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Starfish - I have infertility issues and probably will not ever bear children, we're still going through Maternal Fetal and Repro to get some second and third opinions. I have all of my animals in my will, with their guardians, and money to go to take care of them. To many people that's excessive. I call the cats the 'children'.
However, I would listen to the vets here and if he's not willing to recover the marriage I would not share the dogs. You've heard of people stealing children - you will have very little legal recourse with an animal if he takes it and waywards are not fit parents to animals or children. Thank you... I know you share the pain of infertility. I'm sorry that you and your H are experiencing this and I wish you all of the best!!! This past October, we started The Creighton Model for infertility. Not sure if you have heard about it or not, but you can Google it to get more info. The points you make about the dogs are completely valid and I do have this fear, because it did happen to me in my first marriage.
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Where can I find the specifics of Plan B? Start with the Surviving an Affair article on this site. If you put Plan B into the search function at the top, you'll get q a few articles. You should also read the book Surviving An Affair.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Can I find all of the detailed info for Plan B in SAA book???
Last edited by starfish75; 03/25/12 04:51 PM.
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Thank you... I know you share the pain of infertility. I'm sorry that you and your H are experiencing this and I wish you all of the best!!! This past October, we started The Creighton Model for infertility. Not sure if you have heard about it or not, but you can Google it to get more info.
The points you make about the dogs are completely valid and I do have this fear, because it did happen to me in my first marriage. I have not heard of it - our infertility is kind of a secondary diagnosis - I have Lupus, Bechets, Rheumatoid Arthiritis, possibly Endo, and recurrent pregnancy loss. I've lost 3 in the first trimester. Good luck to you and your situation, I will keep you in my thoughts.
Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
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WH and I do work for the same company. Our hours are slightly different, but not by much. Eventually I'm going to have to go back to work. I can avoid him, but there is a chance we will run into each other. We very rarely see each other as it is there. Starfish this is a MAJOR problem with your Plan B. I have mentioned already that you must make sure your preparations are watertight before you begin your plan. If you start Plan B, and its easy for him to break it, he simply won't respect it. It's worse than not doing it at all. You will also never get through withdrawal from him if you see him - or even expect to see him. Withdrawal is a very dangerous time where you are tempted to break your own plan just to see him (trust me on this - I had to practically get a jailer to keep me in line) We need to brainstorm a way around this. Waywards become very harrassing to the BS when put in Plan B. Mine still tries to get messages through. He won't simply let you walk by. Can you work elsewhere? Can you tell your company of the separation and that you expect harrassment from him? (cause that's a certainty) Can they make sure you're on different schedules or transfer him to another building?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Can I find all of the detailed info for Plan B in SAA book??? Its where you should start. If you understand the lovebank model, its an easy concept. Having 'extra' needs met outside the M causes the WS (already q full) lovebank to overflow. They feel great and credit the feeling to the skank who paid one or two coins in at most. However in Plan B, the BS leaves taking all her EN coins with her and the WS realises the fulfilment came mainly from his wife. For the BS, they go through a period of withdrawal from their WS (which hurts A LOT). Then over a period of months without the WS paying coins into the lovebank, the account 'freezes' (this has happened to me). I don't hate my WH as I would if I'd continued to be cheated on. I don't feel a pressing need for him either. When my love bank 'froze' my bar for recovery became much higher. If he came back now, I'd be much stricter and his actions would probably reactivate my lovebank. Also a frozen lovebank makes a divorce hurt much less if the wayward is a lost cause. The articles contain a lot of info and I learned a lot from Plan Bers on here too.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I'm feeling like I'm in limbo right now... between Plan A and Plan B. I just don't know what to do.
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I'm feeling like I'm in limbo right now... between Plan A and Plan B. I just don't know what to do. Why? You are still in Plan A. You're contactable and you are insisting on the truth.You have done an amazing Plan A Plan B is the protection from being continually lied to. Honestly, could you survive much more trickle truthing?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Starfish,
I would call the Harley's. You're at a critical juncture here, and I don't think either Steve of Jeniffer will steer you wrong. But it is expensive. Even a one hour to ninety minute discussion can be very illuminating and clarifying.
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star
sorry been off. Took H away for bday to arrive to a ringing phone from vet, my puppie (she 4 -ok but my baby) was attacked by a pit- but she is alive and pretty much a miracle. i am amazed so we are nursing her back and have not been on
you h is bsing you with crap he thinks hes a good liar, but not so anymore.... bc you did a great job- keep going.
read more indies story she did a amazing job.
but you need to get it clear in your head. you have done this already with you other steps we have seen it, you just need to get there, i can understand. but you can do it, we have seen your actions.
Me 44- yes ugggh
WH 47
together 26 years M 19
serial cheater big time
DD1 2.24.11
NC letter sent 3/7/11
NC letter to OW2 april
final truths 5/8-- all of them poly confirmed 5/18
working the plan
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