This may sound trivial in comparison to most but I have been in a serious relationship for 3 years and the situation is causing me much distress. My boyfriend and I are currently in our 2nd year of university but towards the end of our first year I got exceptionally drunk and cheated on him with someone in my halls. As we go to different universities and exams were on, I waited until we were home for summer to tell him. I broke his heart and he cried and I can't get over the guilt for this. Naturally we had a difficult summer and he revealed one of his female friends had been upset so she came to his room for a cuddle then for a joke they went streaking together. I was upset by this but I didn't say anything as what I had done was much worse.

When it came time to go back to uni, I had a difficult time dealing with her being a friend of his so asked him not to sit with her in lectures or socialise with her. He said he would but around xmas I found out he had been lying to me and seeing her and she had been coming round to his house. As they are just friends he thought this was fine and couldn't understand why I was upset. It was because he had lied to me, as I understand I was being ridiculously jealous. I was more upset about this as he had withdrawn all affection from me as he couldnt deal with me hurting him.

Finally by January of this year we were back on track and things were going really well, but he told me that he was planning to live with the girl (he hadnt before) I was upset about this and begged him not to as it really hurt me, as he was still with holding affection. We didn't seem to get past this as he said that he had let me live in halls with the boy for the year before, I do not currently live with him. I gave in and realised how stupid I was to dictate who he could see.

However things haven't got better, he told me that he can't give me any love if he's not with me as he still hurts too much. He doesn't ever want to see me and gets annoyed if I ask. Simple things such as little gifts I leave get no acknowledgement. We used to do this all the time and never argue. He always says that he wants to marry me one day but he can't be there right know, yet when we go to break up he pursues me until I come back. He won't open up and I understand that it's because I hurt him but I it has been almost a year and he hasn't given anything back to the relationship It's been me showing all the affection. He says he loves me but whenever I do something wrong or disagree he brings up what I did. I always end up apologising for any argument. I just don't feel like I'm good enough for him and I can't forgive myself for ruining a perfect relationship. I don't want to lose him though.

After that immense essay of self pity, I would still appreciate any advice. I desperately want to get back our old relationship, we still have moments when we together.

Welcome to MB, alexa.

This is going to sound harsh, but it isn't meant to be unkind.

This forum has been provided by Dr Harley for marriage-related support. It isn't a place for seeking help with dating disasters. Marriage is a serious, life-long commitment that involves legal and often Godly union, and in most cases, children whose upbringing is crucial. We do discuss infidelity here, but that is because adultery threatens the institution of marriage. Adultery in marriage is a very different issue from cheating on boyfriends and girlfriends - especially when young and at having a good time exploring sexual freedom, away from your parents, at university.

What made you decide that a marriage support forum was the place to post your problem?

You both have a great deal of growing up to do. Don't get married is my advice. You have shown how deeply unsuitable you both are for that serious commitment.

Alexa, Sugar Cane is right. And may I add?: you are a young woman who is still going through many growth stages. You need to pursue your studies and direct your focus on achieving personal growth while you advance through university and go out into the work world. You are going to meet a lot of men as you continue to mature. This sounds trite and callous, but I suspect you will look back at this young man years from now and realize that you would not have had a suitable life with him.

I am in my fifties. I have to smile when I look back at the guys I dated in my early twenties that I thought the world revolved around. I suspect this will be the case with you, as well.

Now, get out there and meet new friends, tackle your studies and accomplish good things!

2nd year of university is what, 19 years old?

Look, you're both very young, you're both very immature, you're both leading separate lives and are nowhere near ready for marriage both emotionally/educationally/financially... you've already cheated on him and lied about it for months, you're trying to force a square peg into a round hole.

You guys aren't mature or ready for a serious relationship. Be single and move on. He obviously isn't going to get over it - harsh lesson learned for you, he doesn't have to forgive you and he'd be foolish to do so. If you think that hurts, well, it probably doesn't hurt as much as him living a lie all summer about you sleeping with another man. And he probably did the same thing anyways. You're both just not ready for a relationship.

Alexa,

You will find excellent advice about dealing with your situation at www.baggagereclaim.com. The articles on that site will help you see that you are so much better and deserve so much better than the games this joker is playing with you.

Alexa, this is a good place to learn about how to have a serious commitment one day and also about the love bank.

Dr H says his wife dated him alongside other potential candidates and that he wouldn't have married her at such a young age, 19 unless she'd had the opportunity to experience dating other people and comparing them to him in the 'marriage interviews'. He advises you not settle down unless you've compared and contrasted 30 people as to how well they meet your needs.

Your strong feelings for this guy are also simply a result of coins paid into your lovebank. While love withdrawal is devastating, I'm sure there are other people capable of meeting needs much better.

You have both failed the marriage interview. You don't think well enough of each other to display radical honesty.

Its also highly unrealistic to expect to build a relationship long distance. You've discovered it isn't healthy yourself.

I would change your contact details so you can get through withdrawal (three weeks) without him pestering you.

If you want to have a committed relationship one day, Dr H has written some good articles on choosing a prospective partner, about the difference between buyers, renters and freeloaders and about the dangers of living together before marriage without any firm commitment (it attracts freeloaders)

Good luck.

Are you a fellow Brit?

Neither one of you are ready to have, or to be, a good spouse yet. Both of your actions have clearly demonstrated that.

It doesn't mean you can't become good marriage material. In fact, by telling him what you did and at least trying to make it right, you showed that your character is developing for the better.

There is so much material here that can teach you what you should be, and be looking for as you consider future serious relationships that will eventually lead to marriage. I encourage you to read around a bit, and to take your time before starting another relationship. You've gotten some really good advice already for how to handle the next little bit of your life, and I hope you take it. You'll be much better off starting fresh, and working on yourself before dating again.

All the best to you!

For future reference Alexa, a good guy either forgives or ends the R he doesn't use it as a free pass to lie and have a freeloader relationship where you do all the care and he reaps the benefits of being 'blameless'

Taking responsibility for your own poor actions doesn't mean excusing them in others.

Your story is somewhat similar to mine. Years ago, my girlfriend and I were a couple for about two years before we decided to pursue further studies at two separate universities. I remained faithful; she decided to have a fling with someone else within three weeks of starting her studies overseas. When she came back, she said she was dreadfully sorry, and she swore over and over that it was not going to happen again.

We end up getting M'd a few years later. After having two kids and building a home and life together, can you get what happened and what brought me to MB?

Don't end up like me, feeling like an absolute fool for not walking away when the choice to do was a much easier one.