I learned on Nov 4th that my wife had had an affair this past fall, aug-sept emotional sept until d-day physical. The 1st month was a cake walk. Wife immediately agreed to NC. Everything was great for about 1 month. We read �his needs her needs� (godsend) and �love busters�. And a couple of books regarding surviving an affair.

After a dinner dec 3rd night with her BF the reality of the situation started to get to me. Through the 1st month we spent hours talking in bed, had date nights, lots of SF, and our marriage seemed to be recovering already. Seemed to good to be true, it was. The night after the dinner was tough me thinking about separating. The following week was very good again, back to our false recovery. My wife only works 3 days a week 12 hour shifts, I am self employed, so time off for EN�s is easy. We were able to spend lots of time together talking, cuddling , and re-filling our love banks.

Up until this time I had spoken to POSOM about 2 weeks after d-day, and threatened him, he agreed to NC also. I also demanded that he expose himself to his wife. He agreed on his on time table, I told him 2 weeks no longer or I will. The following week dec 12 was a bad day, I drive a lot and time in the car is not great for a BH mind. My wife consoled me and all was great. The following dec 13th the wheels on our recover fell off. I fell apart and again considered separation, my wife was totally against it, she had been strongly committed to our M since D day. I felt I needed to call POSOM�s wife and expose because I was sure he had not. The night got too late so I did not. The next day was no better. Wife talked me into letting her talk POSOM into exposing over the phone while I was in the same room. I never thought of conference calling (big mistake). POSOM tried to convince my wife if he was forced to expose the �whole story would come out�. I took the phone realizing my wife was not holding up her end and demanded that he expose, again stupid mistake. My wife became Suicidal after that night over extreme guilty and fear of loosing me. I also found out she had broken the NC rule the night before trying to warn POSOM about me calling his W to expose, but was unable to get through. This caused a very near separation by me, which was avoided when I came to my senses. Since that day my wife has not broken the NC rule that was agreed to on D-day.

My wife ended up in mental hospitals for 4 days on suicidal watch because I called the suicide hotline about her. She had a plan brought it home from work, and almost used, then was admitted to the hospitals. After 4 days in the hospitals on Dec 23rd my wife informed me that she had another A with the same man prior 8/06-7/07. It fissiled due to the birth of our 1st child (my paternity has since been confirmed). She told me she was so suicidal over the thought of loosing me when I was informed of the 2006 A.

The POSOM constantly pursued my W through the 5 years from the 1st affair, she says during that time he creeped her out. I have validated her story they were not involved during those years. However our M had deteriorate even further until he was able to talk her into beginning the phone conversations this august. From the dec 16th to Feb 16th my wife was on medical leave for sucide. This allowed up to speed up our recovery due to the amount of time spent together. She has never wavered from the 1st D-day about her commitment to our M. However her depression and anxiety has began to hold up my recovery.

On feb 9th my wife informed me that she was sexually abused from an older brother for months at age 10. She had never told anyone about the abuse until she told me. She had begun to connect the dots as to the type of seductive behavior the POSOM had used on her, and what her brother had done. She has since been diagnosised with PTSD due to the A�s and abuse. She is very happy with our MC and looks forward to seeing her weekly. Our MC has 30 years experience and has began doing EMDR on my wife.

To date my wife has not been able to return to work full time due to the anxiety, even though has been put on some meds to help. She is convinced she has destroyed our lives her career. I have reassured her over and over again that �she is a good person that did a terrible thing�. But she cannot accept her mistakes and stop wishing she would have made different choices. She has reassure me over and over again that she will forever be trying to make up for her mistakes by being a better wife, and mother. I am not innocent either I have accepted and vowed to end my love busters and work on her EN�s daily. Our marriage is already much better due to this catastrophe, but we cannot get past the emotional toll that it has caused. What can I do to continue my recovery and hers?

PS send a letter to POSOM�s W exposing the entire A�s because I had allowed him to smooth talk me into giving him more time to expose. POSOM�s W has contacted me assuring me there will be no more contact but I am not so sure I buy it. My wife has changed her number, his 2 mobile numbers are blocked along with his land line. But POSOM had attempted contact during the 5 year break buy dropping notes on her car at work. And eventually �running� into her at a local store.

Hi Skidooman, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry for the reasons that brought you here. I wanted to first ask you if in hindsight you could have avoided all this drama by picking up the phone - without warning - and calling the OM's wife yourself? All of these threats kept the affairees in contact and only resulted in the OMW not getting the truth. She probably doesn't have the truth today. So I would advise you to call her up and make sure she has all the facts. Additionally, she should be informed about his continued attempts at contact. this will help ensure the affair stays dead. And DON'T tell your wife about it. You need to stay in touch with the OM's wife for a while to ensure this rat is out of your lives.

Secondly, your wife's guilt is a very good thing that will help your recovery. Guilt means she has a conscience and will help guide her actions in the future.

Most marriages do not ever recover from infidelity and that is because they don't have a plan to recover the LOVE in the marriage. Marriage Builders has a plan to do that. You can find the MB program in the book Survivng an Affair. It is completely different frmo other programs in that it actually restores teh romantic love in the marriage. As the love is restored, the sting of the affair will be replaced with good feelings. In addition to that book, I would get the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love. It has all the worksheets you will need. [it costs about $11 in the MB bookstore]

And lastly, you have a great free resource in the MB radio show. Dr Harley takes questions every day from callers and emailers about their marriage problems. It is a great resource.

Melody

Thanks for your response. In hindsighte I should have called the POSOM's wife on D-day or shortly there after. My WW made me believe that the POSOM would be thrown out and divorced if his wife was informed (I know never believe a wayward). I did not want that POS on the street until my wife's fog was entirly lifted. With OM on the street I knew he would try to contact my wife.

As it turned out if I had not allowed my wife to make that phone call to the POSOM to force him to expose his A's, my wife would have never informed me about the A 5 years ealier. To this day my wife stuggles with the realization that I needed to know about both A's not just the one I discovered. She knows it is totally selfish to keep the old A secret, but has told me over and over the fact that I know, what she got involved in, makes her feel overwhelmed because of the aweful things she has done. She also is starting to understand that we cannot fully recover unless all is exposed.

The OMW has been informed of most of the truth. While on a vacation in Feb I sent a few txt messages to the OM to remind him what I thought of him, and what my wife thinks of him now, since the fog has been lifted. His wife found out about the txt and called me. I did not answer but she did her best to assure me they would stay out of our lives. I think the POSOM is afraid of what I am capable as well, but most OM's are. That still does not do much to lighten my concern over him attempting contact again. The OM's wife does know about his repeated attempt to "re kindle the fire" over the years, but only about 1/2 of the attempts were revealed to me at the time I sent the letter. The sick f*&^er sent my wife a picture of couples engaged in the 69 through MMS about 2 years ago, but only the picture nothing else. My wife says it creeped her out so much she almost told me, but believed she would never fall for him again.

If one thing MB has taught me is never to trust a wayward. I believe my wife now, but still 2nd guess myself. All of my investegating and snooping never turns up anything. My wife is completly comfortable with me having total access to her phone, she does not facebook or any other networking, I have access to her email at work, we use the same personal email at home. As far as I know there are not secret lives anymore. But I am still leary. She is hardly ever on the computer, we spend almost all our free time together, talking.

I am kind of embarassed posting what seems a fairly insignificant problem considering what others on these forums are dealing with. But it is still very painful to us.

Welcome, Skidooman. Please don't make the mistake of trusting your wife and NOT trusting yourself. You've got that backwards. Your wife has shown that she is very capable of conducting a secret life of which you are oblivious. You need to keep up with your snooping to ensure that that hound dog isn't able to slink back into your marriage.

How do you know this guy? I get the impression that he is possibly part of your social circle, or that there exists an opportunity for you or your wife to run into him. Does he live near you? What's his story?

Classic example of a weak or non-existant exposure that allowed and A to resume.

You have a remorseful woman as it sounds so make this affair known to your circle of family and friends to kill it dead so theres no chance it can come back. Your wife was in a grip that only a firm dedication to a plan will release.

And, do you realize contacting OM by text or whatever method makes him happy? Validates the affair. You need to get the a-hole out of your mind which can only happen over a period of time. It doesnt start until you start it.

My recovery from my wife's A has been hampered by MY continued focus on what she DID and not enough on what she is DOING. And, what she is doing is not spending a minute of thought on her OM and making sure that I dont either.

You'll read here about a lot of people whose spouses are not fully committed to recovery like ours are. Take nothing for granted. Follow through and help your wife out of fog.

I met this man through neighbor of his. A close friend of mine lives very close to him. In 2006 we added on to our house and was introduced to him because he was a professional painter. I hired him to paint the inside of our house. My wife was home while he painted. During the course of his painting he asked her to help him. I was uncomfortable about him painting while my wife was home, but blew it off as just a fearful husband, that I should trust my wife and him to be a professional. Well that turned out to bite me in the azz.

When I go back and think there were warning signs prior to him painting. After he had met us the 1st time, while I was having a beer with my friend and him, he made a comment about how hot my wife is. I took it as a compliment, and he is not the 1st guy that has made that commment. There was something I didnt turst about him from day 1, he just put on too good of a face and was to "perfect" not in looks but the way he acted and talked. I kick myself every day for hiring him, but more importantly allowing my wife to be here while he paints. Unfortunatly there are no do overs, I knew better but just blew it off, what a mistake.

Since the 1st affair he has been he with other guys to help out with moving things. My wife says this made her extermly uncomfortable and on one occasion when he came in to the house to use the bathroom, he approaced my wife. Saying how much he missed her and wanted to call her. She had found out a few weeks earlier that she was pregnant with our 2nd. My wife says he looked like someone kicked him in the stomach when he found out she was pregnant with our 2nd child. Over the course of the time between the affair it turns out he was secretly asking his neighbor my friend, how our marriage was doing.

We live about 20 miles away from him but he only lives about 5 minutes away from my wifes work. Certain precautions have been put in to place, but I cannot be with wife at all times. Some level of trust has to be in place. My wife and I believe it is a strong possibilty that he may try to contact her at work, either in the parking lot, or by calling her work. Considering his past obsession with my wife, I believe it is more of a when then if. At this point her changing jobs is impossible due to her mental state, we have talked about moving but that also needs to wait.

Our marriage was in real trouble this summer before she ran into him again. She was very vunerable at this time, due to the past A, the state of our M, and her history of abuse and childhood. We have learned so much about each other the past few months, that will really help protect us, and build a better marriage. But my biggest concern at this time is her mental state and assuring that this POSOM cannot lure my wife back in. She is confident that if she ran into him, she would tell him off, and get away, but I am not so sure. She is a very kind person that due to her abuse is very afraid to upset anyone that she does not trust.

I appiciate your insite.

Unfortuatly the orginal A was not ever discovered so there was no chance for exposure. My wife is fully aware of her mistake not to have come to me after the 1st encounter occured. But again that is past and cannot be corrected. Our agreement from d-day forward has alway been if anything occurs that makes either of us ever feel guilty we will inform the other ASAP. In appropcriatly being touched by someone else, unusual coversation, etc.

I am past what he did and what she did I cannot change the past. We can only protect ourselves that nothing like this occurs in the future. My wife cannot get past what she has done. And has a contant record player going in her head of the bad choices she has made that have spun out of control. She is contantly focusing on her getting involved with POSOM, her mistake at work that contributed to her MLOA. She keeps telling me she feels she had made her life living hell because of the bad choices. I just cant seem to get her to accept her mistakes as exactly that mistakes, and move on. She tries daily but lack of sleep causes hell on her mind. I average about 1 bad day about every 3 weeks where I am feeling down and abused. She only has about 1-2 good days a week where she is fairly calm, and the "record player" is not going.

I am unsure about the total exposure at this time, due again to her psyche. She feels so horrible the way it is, my parents know (a censored version), my closest friend (lives 1000 miles away), the OMW, and my wifes closet friend. I really dont want the rest of my family because they may unfairly judge her. I am contimplating telling my friend that is neighbor the the POSOM, but have not at this time. This friend of mine is kind of a gossip, and my wife desperatly wants to avioid the gossip. I understand total exposure is necessary, but that is really something I dont believe her psyche can handle at time time. She worries to much about what she had done already, adding on the fact that the world knows, may brack the "camels back".

I do have a problem with the POSOM in my mind, I would like nothing more that to show up at his door step with my M4 and scare the S%^T out of him, but unfortunatly there are laws against that. Or litteraly run into him anywhere.

Skidooman, I would only expose to people that can help your marriage. And I would certainly make sure the OMW has ALL of the facts about her H's continued contacts so she can stop them. This will help alleviate your wife's guilt because giving her other victim the truth is part of making amends. Your wife shouldn't do the contacting, but you should.

Additionally, you and your wife need to cut off all avenues of contact, even if it means changing #s. Because there will come a weak moment when she accepts his offer.

Her guilt is a good thing. It will lessen as she makes just compensation to you and earns your forgiveness. She should embrace her guilt. Guilt is a positive thing, not a negative thing.

I am leary of contacting the OMW again. We agreed not to get involved in each others lives anymore after the last contact. The OMW was in pain, but she is not the most pleasnant person when she didn't have the emotional pain of her BH's A to deal with. I am unsure if contacting her will help or just be seen a a volation of our agreement to her. She has been informed of a few of his methods of contact in the past, but not all. She does not know of his "dirty" txt message, him dropping of his work schedual on my wifes car. And taking note of the license plate on the new car when he noticed I was drivng something different.

If I contact the OMW I dont want to paint my wife as the victim. My wife is at fault too. However to understand the danger that her husband is to our family, she has to understand how obsessed he was and probably still is with my wife. His said all the wayward crap. We are soul mates, you should leave your husband so we can be together, you are the most perfect woman in the world. My wife says she never bought into it, but it made her feel that she should "please" him because she was so grateful for how treated her.

We have changed her phone number, and blocked all of his just in case he learns her new number somehow. He knows my number, and is free to call me anytime, but I would rather met him, face to face. After the letter was sent to the OMW he repetatly tried to contact my wife. She never answered the phone, that is confirmed. After that is when we changed her number. But since the txt message exchange he has not tired to contact as far as we can tell. And his wife assured me they would stay out of our lives.

Sorry you are here but welcome.


You are not going to like this but I hope you will listen with an open mind.

It is concerning to me any time I see a BH show up here and describe the OM as a predator and the WW almost as the victim. Because these are the BHs who fail to follow all the steps (ex, exposure, EPs, etc).

Your W didn't have an affair because of her childhood or because of the state of your M or even because this guy was "obsessed" with her, or she's too nice, etc. She had the affair because she failed to protect the M, because she had poor boundaries with men, and she is capable of deception and having a secret second life.

Her proclamation that if she ran into him she would "tell him off and get away" tells me that she doesn't quite get it regarding extraordinary precautions. The whole point is that you both should take EVERY STEP to prevent ANY CONTACT from occuring, period, and even if she did see him, she should not be saying anything to him. At all.

Her working five minutes from where he lives is a TERRIBLE idea, especially given the history of their contact there. And this is exactly what I was talking about the danger of seeing the WS as a victim to a predatory OP and EPs not being taken. No matter what her version of events are - the affair and OM should be viewed as an addiction that your W will always be vulnerable to.

Skidooman, the way you assure the OM stays out of your lives is to keep his wife informed of his continued contact. The OM is still in your life with his continued contac. The way you stop that forever is to inform his wife. This is critical information that she needs to know. While the affairees need to stay out of each others lives, you should make an agreement with her that you contact each other if there is continued contact. She needs to contact you and vice versa. The OM needs to know there will be conseqeunces every time he tries to get through. This is how you run that rat off.

I would also have a discussion with the OMW to make sure she knows EVERYTHING. It doesn't sound like she has a complete and comprehensive understanding of the affair.

I missed this. She works 5 minutes from their home? If that is the case, I would most certainly change that. You need to eliminate chance meetings.

I guess what I was elduing to with explaining my wifes child hood and abuse was that this caused her boundries with men to be eaisly broken. We have talked extensivly about this the two of us and with the MC.

It was my idea to tell off this OM, due to his obseesion with her. That is a proven fact with his constant persuit of her. However my wife did allow her weak boundries to be crossed. The reason she needs to tell him off if a chance incounter occures is because he needs to be fully aware that she does not want to be with him. Apparently her ignoring him in the past didn't get it through his head. Many other factors also contributed to the 2nd A. But I know as man that unless the OM remarries with a different woman his fantasy life with my wife will not be disolved. I do not believe that the possiblity of his marriage will disolve that fantasy. He either needs to remarry, or be fully aware that my wife wants nothing to do with him.

My wife will not seak him out for the encounter I am sure of that. However since both our families shop, work, and frequent the same city, it is hard to completly avoid the possible chance encounter. My wife is having a heck of a time getting back to work due to the damage to her psyche. At this time she cannot leave this work place for another in the same field. She is the bread winner by far. By my lower income has not been that important to her on Dr. Harley's needs questionair.

Her honesty in our relationship completly changed. One of the things she learned so quickly was how important "the policy of radical honesty" is. I know that does not guarantee this could not happen again. But when we get through this and can contiunally build a stong marriage. Our marriage has changed so much for the better the past few months that our "love banks" are refilling at a rapid rate. So unless we move as a family at this time, which is not possible, our love, the contiunally strenghing of our marriage, and the precautions that we have will have to do.

I am considering contacting the OMW but still unsure if that should be done unless I know that the NC by him has been broken. My wife did inform me right away when he called in the past, and actions were taken, at that point to make further contact more difficult and painful.

[quote=MelodyLaneSkidooman, the way you assure the OM stays out of your lives is to keep his wife informed of his continued contact. The OM is still in your life with his continued contac. The way you stop that forever is to inform his wife. This is critical information that she needs to know. While the affairees need to stay out of each others lives, you should make an agreement with her that you contact each other if there is continued contact. She needs to contact you and vice versa. The OM needs to know there will be conseqeunces every time he tries to get through. This is how you run that rat off.

I would also have a discussion with the OMW to make sure she knows EVERYTHING. It doesn't sound like she has a complete and comprehensive understanding of the affair. [/quote]

I quess I was not clear enough the OMW's wife has been infomed of the last contact which was about 1 1/2 months ago. Since then no other contact has been atempted as far as myself or wife know about.

As far as the OMW knowing everything I think she does except for all the "gory details". But I am not sure if she knows how much her husband has persued my wife, or if she will believe my if I tell her.

Susies point is that her childhood has nothing to do with the present. The reason she had the affair is because of her poor boundaries around men in her ADULT LIFE. That is what needs to be addressed, not her childhood. Her childhood issues are a distraction from the real problems.


She should commit to never seeing or speaking to him again. A better way to get away from him is to a) send him a no contact letter as outlined in SAA and to MOVE. As long as you live and work by the OM, she will be perpetually triggered by him and will eventually cross that line again. There is way too much contact here and I don't think you and your wife understand how important of a step this is for the recovery of your marriaeg. Every time she sees him, his car or his home, she will be go back to day 1 of withdrawal. And eventually she will give into the temptation. That is like the alcoholic going into the bar every day. Eventually tempation collides wiht opportunity and he drinks again. With your wife, it is a matter of WHEN not if.


Thats fine as long as you are ok with an on again, off again affair. She will be perpetually triggered and will eventually resume the affair.


That is because she is triggered by her affair there.


Is she looking for another job in another town? There is no job that is worth your marriage.


You aren't going to build a strong marriage if you both are perpetually triggered.


Yes she should be contacted. This is information that she needs to know. Whenever the OM contacts her, there should be swift action by informing his wife. I am still not clear if his wife really has all the facts of the affair? Since you have not personally told her about the affair, how do you know she even knows?

What exactly does the OMW know about the affair? What you say here only tells me that she has told you there will be no more contact. How do you know she even got the letter? And of course you understand that the OMW is not in a position to assure you there will be no more contact, right? She has minimal control over that.

Melody,

My wife is not considering changing jobs for herself. That was just a suggestion by another poster. She would like to stay in the same job at the same facility. It was suggested she change jobs to avoid chance encounters. But as I explained at this time that is not possible, but maybe in the future.

My wife does not drive near his home on the way to work, drive near his car. The chance encounters at her work place were never physical it was only messages that he was trying to past to her, by placing them on her car. His home is about a 5 minute drive from her work place, but it is not drive near on her way to work, it would be out of the way to drive into and out of his little culdesac.

No contact has been made by mywife since the middle of dec. I have made all of the past contact and mostly to the OMW. The OMW does know of of all the A's and some of the contact during the time between A's. And the OMW knows about all the recent attempted contact the POSOM. The OMW was informed by a letter that was sent to her, by me. I am also positive that she recieved and read that letter. But the OMW and I have not spoke unless through messages. I would like to keep it that way, she is not a pleasant woman, and would be even less plesant to deal with considering what has been revieled.

The damage to my wifes psyche is not because it is being triggered buy her work place. It is due to the reoccuring thoughts of the damage she has caused. She has no feelings of withdrawl, anymore.

But, she is in the same environment where contact took place. That will be a trigger. That is like an alcoholic going into the bar every day. He might not drink every day, but going into that environment is a daily trigger. You already know that the OM can and will contact her there. The danger is that he might eventually successful and you aren't going to know about it. This is why Dr Harley is so adamant about moving away from an affair partner in order to prevent repeat affairs. Your wife is very vulnerable to a repeat affair by staying in this environment.

I am not trying to be obtuse, but I am still not clear on WHAT the OMW knows. How do you know she has read your letter? Has she discussed the affair personally with you? Because nothing you have told us indicates that she knows. How do you know she knows?

And how do you know she is not a "pleasant" woman if you have never spoken to her personally?

skidoo, here are some Harley quotes and a post from a former wayward wife about continued contact. Essentially, every time your wife runs into the OM, she is put back to Day 1 of recovery. It keeps her in a perpetual state of withdrawal and keeps the affair top of mind.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. [b]HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists... [/b]

Lifechoice post on THE AFFAIR ADDICTION http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2048341&fpart=1

I think there may have been a miscommunication between us along the line that happens from time to time on forums.

My wife and the POSOM DO NOT work in the same environment. The contact at her work place has only been attempted contact by him, such as notes on her car etc. This happened over 5 years ago, while he was trying to re kindle. There has been no recent attempted contact there. There has been no face to face contact there at any time, to my knowledge. And I am pretty certain my wife would have disclosed that by now if there had been. She has disclosed the contact at every other location.

The only contact that has occured since the 1st D-day was when my wife contacted POSOM about exposing the A's to his wife. Since that time the POSOM has tried to contact my wife, last attempted contact that we know about was on Feb 3rd. Which was a phone call to a number that is not in service any longer. My has never answered any phone call that he or his wife has made to us or her old number. Both numbers are now disconnected. Since that time the OMW and I have conversed about that attempted contact, and I have been assured she does not want any more of that.

I know that the OMW has read the letter that I sent because she refered to it in a message she sent to me. The letter disclosed most of the information about the A's. Except for additional ocsasions years ago that the POSOM had tried to contact my wife. But again I dont see how that is really relevant. The OMW knows about 3-4 occasions in the past when the A's were not occuring when the POSOM did attmempt contact, but my wife did not respond.

I am aware that the OMW has very little control over her husband. That is what concerns me. I take some comfort in his desire for my wife to leave me, before he leaves his wife due to concerns of not having either woman. Even though it is believed that due to the POSOM's desire not to hurt his children he would not have left his wife. He was more concerned about having my wife on the side, regardless of what he told her. That is evident though other details that I have not written about.

At some point some level of trust needs to be restored. An alcoholic will always be tempted by alcohol because it is always available. I know it is a lot to put in to my wifes hands but her complete conviction to never getting involved with him again will have to do. I also know through the conseling sessions that her level of desire for the OM was never very great. His conversation was what she desired. I believe that if he does succede in contacting her she will let me know before things progress any further.

I know that the OMW is not a pleasant woman from speeking wiht her in the past at a friends party. She is just not very friendly.

At this time I am mostly concerned on how to help my wife heal. Her contant depression and anxiety over past events is holding up our recovery. She was out of work for over 2 months which only caused more depression do to the reasons she was out of work. Since she has been back to work she is very slowly recovering. But has trouble sleeping, and it is the lack of sleep that causes her depression and anxiety about the past events to explode.

How are you so sure that your husband wont respond to attempted contact by his former OW? Unless she has past.