i agree with ML. i just think there is more than the 2 i am sorry but i have been there.

in a very honest raw moment I sat him down and told him that if he wasnt honest i was gone. look at my tread from march to may its only like 15 pages or so. I did the poly after he gave me it all. so he passed, i was relentless on snooping and questions. and going on my gut that it was not right ( but i did have blind spots that h was not lying anymore- i was wrong). i think he has more in his past and he thinks he is clean with the two he gave you.

i think you are very strong but now you have to be a strong biatch ( not in i LB way) just a know what is right way. that requires a bit of sleep and a whole lot of courage ( which we have seen- but a bit more)


i also agree with tiger and this "The awful irony of all this to me is that he feels the truth will drive you further away, when in fact it would be the best thing he could do to have a chance to save his marriage. He doesn't seem to realize, like we do, just how strong you are, how much you love him and are willing to try and work through this if he's completely truthful. "

Yes, I can and I can also walk around to avoid seeing him. As I mentioned before, we rarely see each other at work.

Where can I find your thread?

I'm doing my best to read up on Plan B. I'm sure I'll have questions along the way... Thank you!

Rarely is too often when you are in Plan B. You need to do EVERYTHING to get the taken care of, and now. There was a poster who was in Plan B while she worked with WH, and it was bad for her. YOU will be tempted to peak at him to see what he is doing. Others will be telling you what he is doing. He will be able to find you and talk to you. This needs to get fixed, and SOON.

I am not in Plan B yet and currently on leave from my job, so I don't think this is going to be an issue for me right now. I am taking everything in right now and trying to do my best to learn about Plan B first.

Starfish,

I work at the same place as my WH and talked to Dr. H about going into Plan B and he told me I CAN NOT do a proper Plan B working at the same place.

In recovery. New to this lost and where to begin fast. Sorry I would link but kindling. Don't know how

You really can not do a proper plan B working at the same place.

Just being in the same town would be a challenge!

Starfish,

A lot to consider before going into plan b. I went in too early. I didn't give enough time to leave a favorable impression that my spouse would remember in the event that things go south with her affair. So I had to go back to plan a even though she's no longer living at home. Still in plan A today.

Whatever path you choose, I think for sure you need to establish a clear line with your husband that you can't begin any form of recovery until he learns to be radically honest. Right now he is radically dishonest.

I'll let the vets recommend whether or not you stay in plan A or Plan B. I still recommend that you spend an hour with one of the Harley's as this is really a critical juncture. They will set you on the right course for sure.

If you want to read chickadee's thread, click on her name (in blue in the greyed-out sidebar to the left) and then hit the link for "posts" that she has dropped. Once there, be sure to go back a few pages to find her thread.

I was trying to log-in to his Yahoo account last night and WH must have received a message about someone trying to change his password. I wasn't trying to change his password, just tried to enter the correct one. He sent me a text last night letting me know that he received a message about his account and asked me what I'm up to. I haven't responded. What should I say?

I noticed that he made a phone call to the police dept this morning (according to cell phone records). Seriously?

Also, he just sent me a text, letting me know that he rescheduled MC for this Thursday evening.

And he can go to MC by himself. Text him back with, "MC will be totally useless to our marriage until you are willing to tell me the whole truth about our marriage. You need to come clean, and PASS a polygraph for me to consider working on our marriage."

Don't respond to him about the yahoo. And why did he call the police? Who knows? What reason could he have? Maybe to find out about what he can do about the dogs? Find out his legal rights to access them? At the vet, whose name are they under? Not that it totally matters, you would deal with small claims court about them usually anyways. They are usually considered property. Speaking of legal rights, do you know all of yours?

I know that you aren't in Plan B yet, but you are preparing for it. As I have said, you can't enter Plan B as long as you work in the same place as your WH.

I did respond to him and this is what I said:


I am not trying to get on your Facebook. �I have no reason. �You said you deleted it anyway. �I have nothing to hide. �It's your decision to keep things secret and continue to hide and lie. �

As for marriage counseling:

Marriage counseling will be totally useless to our marriage until you are willing to tell me the whole truth about our marriage. You need to come clean, and PASS a polygraph for me to consider working on our marriage. And of course I want to work on our marriage, but you are making that impossible by not being radically honest... painful or not, I deserve the truth. I will not stay in a marriage based on lies.

Think about this for a minute. If i had just flunked a polygraph test [after fighting it tooth and nail for some time] do you think i would be insisting you i was one of the rare "5%" ? �No way! �I would be demanding a repeat test with another tester!!! �That is what I would be doing. I wouldn't be demanding that you believe me, I would be demanding another test with another tester.�

If (name of ex-friend) took a test such as this, knowing what a liar he is, would you believe him saying that he was the 5%? �I already know your answer on this one.

Your passed all of your test questions, which confirmed that you were telling the truth and lying. �According to the polygrapher, once you realized this, your attitude changed, because you knew how the test was going to turn out if you lied. �The only way to pass the test is to tell the truth. �The test is based on a scale with -3 or less showing deceit. �You scored a -9, which was 3x's more. �Telling the truth is easy. �Whether you are trying to protect me from further pain, it is actually causing me more pain for your lying to continue. �You have the choice to do the right thing. �Think about what you are hiding from me, the full truth about OW#1/OW#2, the bachelor party you took years ago, bachelor party in Vegas, other women, flings with customers, other vacations that you took, men, etc? �Think about all of these things and whatever it is that you are withholding. �I deserve to know the truth. �I have repeatedly told you that I'm willing to work on our marriage, but our marriage cannot even start in the rebuilding phase until you are honest. �I still love you WH, but I cannot be in a marriage based on lies. �

That is a super message, starfish. I am just so sorry about this, but I think I would be sorrier for you if you remained married to a philanderer. I can tell that his lifestyle has contributed to this in a huge way.

Honestly, I'm not sure I can go through with Plan B. I think if this continues, then I'm going to move to Plan D. I just don't know how much more of this I can take. He is obviously lying about a lot. Have you seen other cases like this that have turned around?

I'd still recommend Plan B. You should Plan B him for your mental health while filing for divorce.

It's very common for Plan Bers to file for a D purely for financial protection (have you seen a lawyer about your finances etc while separated?) Some have remarried for recovery or stopped the D.

I am in Plan D because I want a divorce, but I am still Plan Bing him because I enjoy the peace. Up till the D is final I'd consider any genuine remorse on his part, but I dont care if I never see it.

Since you are still in love with him, you are on the emotional rollercoaster and you are likely to be harrassed by him, I'd put in place a dark Plan B as it is essential for your healing.

I wouldnt pull the D trigger at this point anyway. You want to file from a cool, collected frame of mind.



I know Dr H once wanted to post an article about a serial cheat who had spent years in that lifestyle whom he had helped through recovery. The man's wife didnt want it published though. They were happy, apparently and the FWH wanted to share his inside knowledge of the addiction to help others. Not massively common but possible.

I think the plans will help you avoid all the 'what ifs' by knowing you gave everything your best shot. I'm really proud of my good Plan A and unbroken Plan B and know I couldnt have done any more. I know it could take another year for my H's A to end, but I'm not interested as I've done my best and will have no regrets when I divorce.

Plan B is to protect you from him, and even if you do decide to divorce, I would encourage you to follow Plan B as much as possible for your own emotional health.

THIS is your top priority right now.

Good to hear your employers will be supportive, but it still sounds a bit hit and miss even so

When you say 'walk to avoid him' it sounds like he can easily anticipate that, lie in wait and just try to waylay you.

Can you make it so you are CERTAIN you will never run into each other and so he has no way to intrude on you at work or on your way in? Going dark means making sure.

It isn't possible even trying to avoid each other at work. That would be like saying affairees could still work at the same place.