I have found out that the affair is no longer going on. I am ready to learn how to meet her emotional needs and give her the affection she deserves. The only problem is she.still doesn't want anything to do with me. She still doesn't want to talk to me or allow me to touch her. What can I do to get her to implement plan a so that I can show her that I can give her the emotional needs she wants.

The first thing that has to happen after an affair is that she must give you all information about the affair and open up her life to you to ensure the affair is over. Has she given you full access to her phone? Do you know everything about the OM? Is he married, and if so, have you discussed the affair with his wife?

The affair has to be dragged out into the light and killed before you can recover.

That is the first step in earning your forgiveness.

Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. end all contact with the OM for life

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

Unless you use this program to create a much better marriage than the one you had before the affair, you are likely looking at repeat affairs. So don't even think you can get away with sweeping the affair under the rug and going back to what you had before. What you had before led to the affair!

That is the problem, some of the problem is me which is what led her to the affair. Now I'm willing to change to meet her emotional needs but she will not let me. It has only been a couple of weeks and she thinks it is not working. She thinks that she is not falling back in love with me and that nothing will change that. The only problem is she hasn't allowed me to do the things I think I need to do to get her to.fall back in love with me or has she tried to help me understand what I need to do. She just keeps telling nothing is going to change. I believe in my heart I can get her to change if I can figure out how to get her to allow me to do so. I have already admitted that some of the problems with the marriage is my fault plus I have already forgiven her for the affair but she still thinks nothing will change it. I am currently reading His Needs, Her Needs and I think it could help if she would allow me to do the things discussed in the book. So confused right now.

What exactly are these things that you think you need to do to get her to fall back in love with you? Why do you think she fell out of love with you in the first place?

I'm just curious what you think on this, because I'm pretty sure I know what everyone else thinks.

Have you actually read Plan A?

You need to stick with one thread, Totally.

Here's his original thread:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2608661#Post2608661

You are putting the.cart before the horse. Did you read my post?

Melody- if you read his earler thread- I believe his wife is still an active wayward. I think he needs to find proof.

She has told me that she doesn't love me. I feel like I need to have intimate conversations with her and find out what affections of love she most desires like the book His Needs, Her Needs explains. The problem is she will not allow me to. I know most people believe she is still having an affair but I have know way to prove it with any of the resources pointed out here. She told me tonight that her feelings for me haven't changed but it has only been a couple of weeks. I believe things are not going to change in a couple of weeks. Am I wrong.

That is the problem if I tell I'm not going to stay in a lifeless marriage then she is going to leave me because at the moment that is what she wants. I am trying to prevent that by getting her to forget about the past and fall in love with me again. That is where I am stuck. She doesn't think it is possible.

If she won't work on the marriage, then you have nothing to lose and she SHOULD LEAVE because her failure to work on the marriage will lead to divorce. Let her know this will lead to divorce and that you won't stay in a loveless marriage. She needs to be working on earning your forgiveness and you should be holding her accountable.

She won't be motivated to work on the marriage unless and until you hold her accountable. As it is now, she is just living down to your conditions because she knows you are not serious. How can she take you serious if you are not serious?

She WON'T fall in love with you again unless you a) get rid of the OM and b) do the things necessary to fall in love. If she won't do the things I listed, she won't fall in love.

That is what I am afraid of. She is he only person I have dated and been with my whole life. I just don't want to lose her to something I know I can fix about myself.

My friend, you have already lost her. You just don't seem to understand that. If you want to save your marriage, you are going to have to man up and do something to lead your marriage out of the ditch. Right now you are leaving your marriage in the hands of drunken wayward. And you have lost your marriage doing so. If you want to save it, you are going to have to do something different.

Am I wrong to think this is going to take more than a few weeks.

*IF* you get her on board. If not, then a million weeks won't make a difference. There has to be a committment to a plan in order for anything to change. Not having a plan is a plan to fail.

How much space do you give them at the beginning to keep from pushing them further away from you. I think she is confused at the moment and doesn't know what to do. I just don't want to smother her and make her give up all together.

Tc, space will make the situation worse, not better. "space" is certainly not part of the plan. The plan calls for at least 20 hours per week of undivided attention time. I would plan out 20 hours per week together. She is confused because you are not guiding her out of the fog. Going along with her plan will leave your marriage in the ditch, so go show her YOUR PLAN.

TC- you also need to make sure the affair is over and exposed. I don't think it is.

I found out yesterday that my wife texted a high school friend for three hours yesterday. I don't know what the conversation was about and really not sure how to find out. I know if she was trust worthy she would tell me if I asked but I don't think that is going to happen at this point.