My husband used to be a wonderful man and never showed any form of abuse towards me. He lied about having a girlfriend when we were together LDR but he said he was lonely. Since we were engaged and continuing into marriage he has shown almost all signs of marital abuse (invalidation, neglect, physical abuse and marital rape) He has been dishonest and has a very independent personality.



I have faith that he can be the man I fell in love with again but I have suffered on and off with anxiety and depression which is not helping.



Our main problem was invalidation and his strong independent personality. At the time my husband was invalidating me and physically hurting me I consoled in a friend. He didn�t like the way he would invalidate me and would do his own thing without including me in his life. Also hearing my husband hurting me he became very protective and he has been trying to get me to leave my husband. He told me he loved me and was healthier for me. I told him I only wanted to be friends but he said he couldn�t hide his feelings anymore. I ended up falling in love with my friend.. I feel happy with him. I still love my husband but I don�t feel in love with him we have become distant.



A few years into our marriage, last year an affair started with this other man. The whole situation makes me feel like a very bad person. I want things to be better with my husband but I want to be happy. My friend and I have tried to stop talking before the affair started but I felt angry towards my husband because my friend treats me like gold compared to him and he would physically abuse me at the time. I felt very lonely in the relationship. The hardest thing in my marriage is my husband invalidating my feelings and telling me I don�t feel however I tell him I feel. If he hurt me and I told him he did.. he says �it didn�t hurt.�



How do you make someone validate your feelings when you tell them they are doing that and they continue to do it. Does he not respect me? He hasn�t hurt me physically for 2 years but he has threatened once to kill me when I said I wanted to leave a few months ago. Then he said he never said that. So I felt I was going crazy. We have been to counseling twice but he didn�t want to do the exercises on validating. I�ve bought books that he�s read but hasn�t tried any of the advice. I want to be happy.. With, my husband.. and I am willing to end my affair with this man who has been my best friend since I was 16. My friend knows I still want to fix my marriage.. and he tells me as long as I�m happy, it is up to me but he thinks my husband will never change.

Just edited my first response for privacy reasons.
My husband might have sensed the breach of intimacy you're right.. but there was already a breach of intimacy as he lied about a previous relationship when we were still together.. yet living apart. My relationship with my friend wasn't about sex at all.. we live far apart so we barely see each other. Maybe 8 times since we were 16. He genuinely loves me and wants whatever is best for me even if that isn't him. This is the first time I have ever let my boundaries down..I'm disapointed I did but I'm not sure if I didn't I would have been ok. My husband and I are not seperated but we're apart at the moment for family reasons. We don't have children. I feel the message Dr. Harley was trying to get across is you can save any marriage.. that is why I'm still here trying.. but I don't feel ok...it keeps depressing me.

Love86, welcome to MB! Besides the others reasons to give up your friend while you get your life back together is your personal safety, this isn't a fire to add fuel to. Would you be willing to check into local IRL resources, like the United Way? To get local help turning an abusive relationship into a loving one. You know there are no guarantees, the recidivism rate is so high. They can help you get a good backup plan together too.

He hasn't hurt me for 2 years.. he did make a threat but I know he wouldn't have done anything. The main abuse I am concerned about is the constant invalidating. They say those who invalidate have been invalidated themselves. When my husband lied to me about a relationship I think I stopped validating his feelings a lot because it hurt me and he could never tell me the truth. I have been trying to validate his feelings more recently to show that I care but he doesn't seem to be catching on just yet to do the same. Does it just take time...? Could it take forever? Or never work?

I am on top of my anxiety and depression a bit more now, it brings him down.. but it is hard because we're apart and he hardly communicates with me. When he does it's blunt or invalidating still.. but he says he loves me and misses me now and then. It's just not enough and makes me anxious and depressed again.. I can be a very happy person when I feel understood and know I'm loved. How can I remain positive while he learns to validate me.. if he ever does?

He's very independent and when I ask him to include me in his decisions he always tells me he forgets. I've told him for years. Sometimes he will go out and not invite me. He has trouble showing affection emotionally and physically. I feel this is a little too much for me. >.< .....

Typical wayward drivel. Re-writing history. Do yourself a favor L86, read up on what it means to be a "wayward." if u want sympathy for having an affair, get a dog. Your posts reek of excuse making and self entitlement. Sounds just like every other person having an affair. You are not original though you think you may be.

Have you told your husband about your affair? Are you still in touch with your OM? Is this scumbag married?


Isn't he such a great, caring guy? What kind of a scumbag has an affair with a married woman?

I WONDERED why love86 was against exposure...now we know.

Abuse is not to be tolerated, but why on earth would you have an affair? To get back at him?

Do you know what that OM tells you whenever he is with you? He tells you, silently, that he thinks you are CHEAP and EASY.

Real men do not get near married women.

Not just that, who knows if the "abuse" is even real? Typical WW unfortunately. Trolling for sympathy. If I was a guy with no scruples I'd be trolling for a wayward giving it away for a few kind words. You see them in bars all the time. Theyre dressed up, no ring on the finger, sending the come hither vibe. why not? Its easy enough like "your happiness means everything to me" then "take off your clothes."

'savemymarr''s comments are a good example of Invalidation. MelodyLane if my husband will stop invalidating my feelings I will work on telling him about the affair. If there is no future for us I don't see the point in causing more pain. The friend of mine only stepped in because of the abuse but after getting to know me personally became close. You're right though he shouldn't have complicated things further by acting on those feelings even if my husband was not treating me right. People make mistakes.. (including me) it makes us human.. but it doesn't mean we're bad people.. we're just learning through these obstacles to become better people. 'Karmarose' I was only concerned for exposure as I was concerned for her safety. I think there needed to be a plan implemented for her own recovery as it could be very devastating in every way. My affair started when I felt very alone as my husband was invalidating me and physically abusing me in private.. my family doesn't know and I left to my friend's for comfort as no one else knew what was going on.. I didn't want my family to think bad of him.. I honestly thought I could handle it on my own.. it was not about revenge.. but I just felt scared of my husband. It does worsen the situation though.. and looking back if I told someone.. I wouldn't be with my husband today as my family would not have accepted him. Like I said my husband was a wonderful man.. good intentions but constantly invalidates as he has been invalidated when young.

"Like I said my husband was a wonderful man.. good intentions but constantly invalidates as he has been invalidated when young."

Huh?
Invalidated?
You're in deep trouble & you haven't got a clue of what's wrong with you.

How's that for validation?

Love, you should not be "validated" for abusing your husband with a sleazy affair. His past abuse does not justify your abuse of him. You have a moral obligation to inform him that you are having an affair behind his back. There is no excuse for lying to him about your affair.

You don't need to "work on telling him" about your affair, you need to MAN UP and stop hiding behind psychobabble and tell him the truth. If you feel he will assault you, then first separate from him and then tell him about your affair. But you owe him the truth. And hiding behind all your psychobabble does not erase that.

The abuse that you have heaped on your husband with your filthy affair is just as horrendous as rape or physical assault. You need to take some responsibility for you own cruel and abusive behavior.

Everyone should know about your affair. The more people who know, the more people to hold you accountable. When someone is as destructive as you have been, it is best to make that knowledge public.

Your sympathy is completely out of place. Your sympathy should be aimed toward the VICTIM, not the perp. That is like feeling sorry for the rapist and ignoring the bloodied rape victim lying on the floor.

Validate that, Madam!

Love86

Savemymarr was right on the money.

Feelings are what have brought you to this point. Not good logical sound sense.

My feelings lead me astray all the time. We are all wired to have A's under certain circumstance and none of us would have A's under the right circumstances.

Listening to my own feelings will not keep me from having an A and will lead me quite the opposite direction.

Truth

You are married and still in an affair

Truth

You want us to provide or have simpathy for your "UNIQUE" situation.

Truth

Feelings do not always equal truth of a situation. Feelings are just that. Feelings.

EX
My feelings tell me its ok to drive down residential streets as fast as I want.

Truth-Laws are in place to protect that child that may run out into the road or person backing out of there driveway because past experience has shown these are dangers.


Truth

There are many on this board that have let their feelings control their actions in the past. The combined experience of the board allows many to see potential or twisted wayward thinking that keeps individuals locked into actions that keep them locked into their patterns that have not worked or are damaging to marital situations.

Truth

Your Other Man is a skumbag who is taking advantage of your situation to get his rocks off.

Even as I type this after being divorced since May 2011 I do not have sex with my female friends nor have I even considered it. A true friend would not take advantage of your marital situation for his own personal gain.

Truth

There are plenty of free organizations in the US that will help you in your situation concerning the abuse. I know because each week a deduction is made from my paycheck to help sponsor one such organization.

Truth

I do not see any one here that will support the wayward ideas you have. All I see here are people interested in the MB's concepts and how to apply them to there marriages. Our "FEELINGS" are not even important in the process. We follow the MB's program even when it goes against our feelings because there is a track record that when followed correctly a goal is reached.

The end goal is to have a happy thriving romantic marital relationship.

Truth

MB's and the good people of this board can help (all free and donated time) should you chose to do so. You may not save your marriage but I do gaurentee you will become a better person if you give it an honest try.

Sorry for invalidating your feelings with sound logical truth.

nESRE

These two things are not even remotely comparable. It completely invalidates his perspective for you to treat neglect as comparable to the abuse of an affair.

If you will read and learn about the program here, there is a program here for you to build a future in which both of you will have lots of intimate conversation and be respectful and nonjudgmental of each other. That will definitely be validating! But if you are going to pick and choose the pieces of the program to follow, it won't work.

As others have said, these comments are right on the money. I'm not going to call them "respectful" or anything, but we're talking about acts that HURT PEOPLE TERRIBLY, and it's kind of hard to be respectful of that.

It is extremely typical for waywards to lie (to others and to themselves) about their marriages as an exercise in self-justification, so it is prudent to discount, not validate, what a wayward says about their marriage. The solution is right here, anyway: work together to address the problems directly using a plan that can correct them. Dr. Harley and his wife Joyce constantly say "there are reasons for an affair, but no excuses." The plan for recovery for an affair involves addressing the reasons, not ignoring them, but a part of that involves the recognition that instead of having an affair, the wayward could have addressed the reasons directly instead, and that lots of people live with the exact same reasons but do not have an affair; therefore, the reasons do not justify the affair and are simply an exercise in deflection.

An affair is literally an addiction. It messes with the brain the exact same way as an addiction does. The addicted affairee will rewrite history and often outright lie to garner sympathy or whatever else, but none of this helps RECOVERY.

Quit practicing DEFLECTION so you can implement the SOLUTION to marital RECOVERY, and then you can live with VALIDATION from now on.

Has learning how to recognize this helped you develop a happy, healthy marriage and lifestyle?

This is called being a clueless husband. It's very typical. Marriage Builders is essentially a plan for clueless husbands to learn how to not be so clueless.

Of course, it doesn't work if you expect him to be the only one to change, KWIM? If you both follow the plan, you can get the kind of conversation you are craving. It won't be invalidating at all.

What have you read on this site? Have you read the Basic Concepts section? Have you read Dr. Harley's articles on surviving an affair? This is supposed to be the basic gruntwork before you start posting here. The plan is laid out there; we can help by providing motivation to follow the plan when it is tough, helping you find solutions when it doesn't seem possible to follow it, answering questions about how the plans work, and helping you cope with the emotional minefield you will BOTH be walking through in recovery.

Love86,

Can you tell us more about yourself? What age you and your H? How many years married, etc.. Did I read right that you don't live together? Why is that?

Also, are you from the US? If not, where generally?

We want to make sure before urging you to expose it is not a country where this could cause you physical harm.

best,

ba

You will get plenty of validation here when you start doing things that are worth validating. Starting with telling your BH the truth, and having NC FOR LIFE with the OM.

You will also get plenty of validation, if after you have done those things, you choose to stay separate from your BH until he completes a program for abusers.

You can't stop BH from being an abuser, but you can stop yourself from remaining an immoral adulteress. This is a really good place to accomplish that.